Running around to Give you the Reacharound


Runaround Sued

The Free Marvin Harrison Foundation's proactive response to the impending law suit

Well six months later and here we are. Apparently the "alleged" victim of the April 29th shooting that may or may not have taken place with Marvin Harrison's gun, Dwight Dixon, has filed a civil suit against Harrison, claiming that he suffered "serious and permanent injuries...and a severe shock to his nerves and nervous system."

Okay, Dwight. Gotta few questions here for you buddy. Namely, what in the hell took you so long. Did you recently receive a package deal from your cable provider in the mail? And in that coupon was there an offer for internet and cable at one low, low price? And did you sign up for said low, low price and get a computer and hook it up and try to connect to the internet but dang you couldn't and called your internet service provider and stayed on hold for like ever and then got cut off and called back and repeated this like four times before you figured out that you needed a modem? And when you finally got online and went to Googleland and typed in "Marvin Harrison," seething with anger because your hand still hurt, were you like, ohmahgosh he's like, RICH! I can totally sue him!

Or are your actions more benign than that, Dwight? Perhaps you're a Colts fan? Yeah, yeah that's it. You're a Colts fan and you wanted to see how Harrison did this year before you distracted him with a lawsuit. You're a good man Dwight.

However, despite your philanthropic efforts to assist your favorite team, I have yet another question for you Dwight. Why in Zeus' dirty fuckhole are you only suing for $100,000? What the fuck dude? You could totally get more than that. Shit I just sued my sanitation company last week for $3 mill just for denting my trash can!

I mean, in the face of such brazen disregard for everyone's intelligence, I'd take this guy to the cleaners! Did you know, Dwight, that he acknowledged to police that he had been in a fight with you prior to the shooting, but insists that he had nothing to do with it??? He's not only calling you a liar, but he's calling everyone else including you an idiot! "Oh, I was in a heated argument with him right before he got shot alright. But someone else grabbed my gun and shot him, y'know what I mean?" C'mooooon Dwight! You can't let him get away with a half-assed excuse like that!

Alright I'm done lecturing you Dwight. But you're a big dumb fucking idiot. Honestly you probably don't deserve a dime for waiting so long and asking for so little.

In any case this does not seem likely to turn out well for Harrison. Under Pennsylvania law, Harrison could face misdemeanor charges if police determine his gun was used in the commission of a crime (!!!!!!111!!!1!1!!!!!). So regardless if the circumstantial evidence and multiple witnesses successfully place Harrison as the shooter, he may have life as he knows it pitifully ruined by community service. Poor Mawvin.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i mean, wouldn't you hide your rare gun that could probably be linked to you in a million different ways in a water bucket located at the car wash you own??? No? Then you are obviously not a highly intelligent football player.