Running around to Give you the Reacharound


Bourn Inferior

21 stolen bases!? No effin way dude!!!!!!

I'll make this short and sweet: a heartfelt goodbye to Michael Bourn. Has he died in a tragic plane crash? Lord, no. Been demoted to the minors? I mean, probably. As far as I know, however, he's still occupying useless space on an even more useless Houston team.

Why is Bourn shown here literally stealing his 21st base? Because that was the epitome of our relationship. Over exaggerated statistics and blind loyalty in the face of such logical contradictions. Why did I keep his buster ass on my team, as a starter, for half the season, grimacing when I finally let him go free like a lost ladybug? When he was only in the lineup for half the games because he was batting around .190 for most of the season? When the odds of him getting a hit were about the same as winning the lottery on the same day my plane gets struck by lightning and I save myself by freeing a pig with wings in the cargo hold and flying away? When the liklihood of him getting an extra-base hit were as likely as this column getting me laid? Because every once in awhile, maybe once every two weeks, that motherfucker would nab me 2 stolen bases in a game twice in a week. I mean, I worshiped this guy. I thought he was the next Rickey Henderson baby. I was going to ride this guy all the way to the Championship!!

But, alas, it was not meant to be. When the best argument for keeping this guy on your fantasy team is that he has more inherent value than Juan Pierre, you know you're just Johnny Cochraning yourself.

So everyone wave back goodbye to Michael Bourn. His childlike enthusiasm and true grit, passion and respect for the game will no longer be prominently featured on Sue's. And God help you if you become magically transfixed as I was next season. Do not fall for it. It will fucking kill your season.

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