The Rock Bottom Line

And you wonder why they oil up.

Welcome to the first in what will no doubt be a spectacular series of quarterly posts on the state of professional wrestling, namely the WWE - like you give a shit about the Ohio Valley Wrestling.

Above image aside, I take my wrestling seriously. I, like so many other fans of wrestling who graduated high school and don't pronounce their ride "mah turrk," found professional wrestling unappealing and ridiculous at first. One show, back in 1998, and I was hooked right in (and they connected with me too because I look like them!). Sure, these guys were overblown beefcakes rubbing their massive thighs together everytime they took a step, somehow avoiding slipping on their ass from all of the oil dripping off their freakish bodies. But while, yes, the storylines hooked you in, more than anything I appreciated everything that they were doing.

Sure, you may tell me that these "matches" are nothing more than choreographed donnybrooks, to which I would reply, "Most certainly they are, sir. And my what a splendiferous vocabulary you have!" However, don't tell me it's "fake." I get so tired of everyone having this haughty attitude towards pro wrestling, summing up by saying it's artificial. This could pass as an opionion in the early 90's, when then-WWF was trying to pass as a sport. Now they concede that they are sports entertainment, and that's how they should be judged. As entertainers first, athletes second. In that regard, I'm afraid, they get too little dap. I mean, when's the last time you heard someone say, "Man those wrestlers are great actors?" You just don't hear it.

That being said, the state of wrestling is bleak right now. Never have we needed The Rock more than right friggin now. Half the people given airtime are uninteresting or just plain outrageous. You've got a guy given 15 minutes of airtime a week whose primary gimmick is that he hails from Spain, is a huge douche and sports an obviously prosthetic unibrow. Eh? Makes me miss the Blue Meanie.


But seriously folks, I found myself watching RAW the other night, wondering where X-Pac was and thinking the show could be shook up quite nicely with the re-addition of the spritely little wrestler (he's the tiny guy to the left turnbuckle/married mutant woman Chyna then quickly divorced after she mistakenly ate him). I actually missed the Bronco Buster. Something needs to be done, Vince, because while the athletes are better than ever, the storylines are more lacking than a "full bar" that somehow doesn't serve Jagermeister. I think I've watched one show in the past month, instead opting to catch up with what's going on by reading the website updates. This makes me seem lame. I cannot disagree with this point. But you know what? Pro wrestling used to be funny, entertaining and sometimes breathtaking. Now The Rock and Stone Cold are superduper stars and mega stars, respectively, in hollywood - a testament to the "acting/entertainers" point - and the best buzz you get out of Wrestling is when DX comes back for one night only. I feel like I'm watching the last dying days of a dynasty, except I know that no matter how poor these storylines are the primary demographic will continue to tune in.

Other than bringing The Rock in for an insane 6-month deal where he makes the same as he would in a movie (upwards of $20 mill), I see no quick fix here. But unless something dramatic changes soon, you guys are losing another fan. And that would be a shame, marking the beginning and end to Sue's interest in the WWE.

For those interested, Monday, November 17th Raw is coming back to Atlanta for the first time in nearly two years. This is previously WCW territory, but once 'ol Ted certifiably lost his mind, the Braves, TBS and WCW, WWE did the once unthinkable and bought the entire company. See you Monday!