Running around to Give you the Reacharound


The Bachelor - Andrew Luck Winners and Losers Week 1

Hi, I'm Andrew Luck. Do you want me? Yeah, I know you do. Everyone wants me. But only one of you will have me, because even though I start out with 32 roses, eventually I'll only be handing out one. Take it away, OBJ.

Thanks, Andrew! Some interesting things going on in the NFL right now. The most interesting statistic after Week 1? 10 wide receivers compiled 100 or more receiving yards. Out of that 10? Three of their teams went on to twin the game. Conversely, seven running backs finished with one hundred yards rushing or more. Their team won 6 out of those 7 instances. What does this all mean?! Probably nothing, since having a sizable lead on your opponent generally dictates that you run the ball and milk the clock. But, if this trend continues, we may have a bona fide changing of the times on our hands, where running the football is more important than having explosive passing offenses. Sue's will be keeping an eye on this interesting notion, but after Week One it certainly appears that winning a game and having a 100-yard rusher go hand-in-hand.

Indianapolis Colts
Oh, boy did you guys ever win. Finishing with nearly half as many first downs as your former doormat Houston Texans, you managed one touchdown in 4th quarter garbage time and less than 200 receiving yards against last year's worst passing defense. Granted, you had prune-juice chugging Kerry Collins chucking the ball, but guess what? That's not changing any time soon. You managed 4.72 yards average in 50 plays, and essentially declared to the NFL that they should come and feed on your carcass as if the rest of your schedule were a pack of starving hyenas. The time to give up hope on your season is now, but hark! A new hope is on the horizon!

Man, that would be such a blessing to play under Peyton for the first few years of my career. This is exciting!

Great point, Andy! Unfortunately, there's a decent chance Peyton never plays again, or is at least playing at 60-80% of his former self. The way this team is built, you may be starting your second - or even first - year.

The Washington Redskins
This really should be Winner for "everyone else including fans," because nobody wants to see Andrew Luck go to an awful franchise, get mishandled and inevitably wind up a career backup. But oh, how the Redskins could've used a franchise quarterback. They wanted one so bad they allowed themselves to get hoodwinked into Donovan McNabb by a team in their own division. In a game that featured a combined 140 yards rushing, Rex Grossman had an admittedly good game, somehow throwing more touchdowns than interceptions. More importantly, the Redskins gained solid momentum in the NFC East Divisional race, which features the Eagles and some other teams. I would like to ask a Redskins fan how they feel about simultaneously talking themselves into a 2011 playoff run and the Sexy Rexy era, but I don't know any.

Minnesota Vikings
Speaking of McNabb, wow! What a wonderfully shitty game you had, Donovan! 7/15 for 49 yards. 49 yards? Even someone who doesn't know anything about football can tell you that's stepping-in-dogshit-in-brand-new-kicks awful. I can hold my breath and run or swim 49 yards. I bet you never thought you'd get your winning ticket to the Luck Sweepstakes in a Donovan Shop, did you Vikings? The only bright spot in this game was Adrian Peterson nearly rushing for a hundred yards and screwing up our enlightening Rushing vs. Receiving Who Ya Got theory. Tell me, with only one turnover, how on earth did you only manage 187 yards? To put it in perspective just how terrible your team is offensively, do you realize Cam Newton gained 253 more yards by himself last week? That's right, Cam Newton threw and ran for 43% more yards than your entire team. He basically lapped you. On a positive note, your defense forced two turnovers, which unfortunately and unavoidably puts your offense back on the field.

Hey, being drafted by Minnesota wouldn't be so bad. Heck, I wouldn't even have to move!

Right you are, Andy! Minnesota almost looks to be trying to be LA's next team. Kudos to you!

Cincinnati Bengals
Hey, Bengals, WTF are you doing? You've got "Andy Dalton" as your starting quarterback (injured, questionable for Week 2), Brady Gradkowski as your de facto starter, and Carson Palmer willing to retire just so he doesn't have to set foot in your dysfunctional organization again. And you're trying to throw TD bombs in the last second? Yo, you need to tank that shit like George Patton, son! Or better, yet, tank it like one of your adorably ill-conceived acquisitions, Tank! Look, this was a spectacularly even game, with both teams earning 17 first downs and about the same 290 yards of offense. So maybe tanking it would've looked...I don't know, obvious. But there's no shame in losing on purpose. Just ask the chick who "lost" her earrings and hair ties in your house.

We've got an exciting race, here. Join us next week when we discover the Winners and Losers of the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes!

I don't want to play for the Redskins.

I know, Andy!

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