Real Life Matters - Week Four

Take care of Mississippi State and we're winners! Percentage-wise!

Even though Georgia is likely out of the running for the SEC East crown, unless the Dawgs can somehow run the table and South Carolina loses twice to the likes of Florida, Auburn, Kentucky, Mississippi State, Tennessee or Arkansas in some combination, there is still much to play for. Win, and the Dawgs have a winning record for the first time since September 4th. 2010. Lose and our season's all but done for and we can all hope for a similar berth in the Autozone Liberty Bowl against a University of Central Florida type.

Last year Mississippi State owned UGA, beating them 24-12 in the midst of a four-game losing streak. This year, however, MSU is not looking nearly the feisty little upstart they appeared to be last year, losing decisively to Auburn and LSU and needing an extra period of play to squeak out a victory over Louisiana Tech.

Win, and the Dawgs will roll to Tennessee and Vanderbilt (both winnable games) before possibly being 5-2 before their matchup against Florida at the World's Greatest Outdoor Cocktail Party. This game could prove to be ultimately meaningless, but why chance it? The Dawgs are playing between the hedges, where they still have an excellent record against SEC teams under CMR.

In other news around the SEC, Alabama matches up against Florida in the Swamp, where everyone predicts a blowout. I too fully expect the Tide to Roll, but when you have two schools with the highest caliber athletes from the top recruiting classes of the past several years, anything can happen. A win by Florida could go a long way in making up the ground respect the East has lost from nonstop beatings by the West. As a Georgia fan, I'm pulling for the Gators.

On to the week's bets. To recap, the rules are:

LOSER - Swift kick in the ass. No bullshit. Velocity of kick dependent upon kicker (kick-ee likely to ask for more)

WINNER - Bottle of his choosing.

BONUS - Winning Percentage more than 10% differential? Georgia home game football ticket

As always, it gets interesting as the season wheres on. Is it time to double down? Maybe a swift kick in the nuts (wearing 5 pairs of socks?) instead of an ass kick.

SEASON
OBJ
6-5
Georgia beat the spread @ Ole Miss! But, Georgia didn't beat the OVER @ Ole Miss!
J-Rock
5-6
Editor's Note: The closest Bawlin' Cawlin' after three weeks to date. Here's where OBJ pulls away.

OBJ
Georgia (-7) Over Mississippi State
For absolutely no reason, I'm taking Georgia to cover the spread 'tween the hedges. Time for some payback.

Oregon State (+18) Over Arizona State
Coming off a big home win against Southern Cal, I just don't see the hometown Devils avoiding the UGA Play to Your Opponents' Level syndrome two games in a row. Of course, Oregon State is just awful, losing to the California-State-Sacramento Hornets in their opener, followed promptly by a shutout loss to Wisconsin. This is likely a mistake.

Stanford (-21) Over UCLA
UCLA, whose only win came over the aforementioned Beavers!

Baylor (-3.5) Over Kansas State
Plucky Bears. They've got moxie.

J-Rock
Georgia Tech (-9.5) Over NC State
Alabama (-3.5) Over Florida
Texas (-9.5) Over Iowa State
Toledo and Temple OVER 50


GEORGIA IS A GIRL
Each week we're going to bring to you what the University of Georgia football team is, metaphorically speaking. In terms of a woman you are sexually/intellectually/spiritually interested in:

Week of 10/1
This week Georgia is the girl you've been seeing for a little while, and while you have something building in the pit of your stomach, you're not quite sure if you want Mom to meet her just yet. Who knows? She may show up to lunch at your father's work wearing a skimpy tank top barely covering her breasts! IT HAPPENS!!

In this situation there's always a Happy Medium test. Not sure if she's Mom and Dad material? Introduce her to your crazy uncle or (hopefully) non-judgemental siblings.

I'm proud to wear my Georgia gear anywhere I go in Arizona because, well, frankly, what the hell college football fan is going to say anything to me, here? In the state of Georgia, same applies. But would I wear my gear around Tuscaloosa this weekend? Sure, and I would expect to get more shit on than a toothless Mississippi State undergrad at the 87th Annual Fall Ball Scat party!

Sightseeing 9/29

My fantasy world officially turned nightmare on Sunday. Allow me to preface. Last year my fantasy football team was embarrassed by a ridiculous performance from Michael Vick. He was then traded to another opponents team where he again destroyed me. Jump to the third-place play-off game and things were looking on the up and up as the NY Giants were corralling Vick pretty handily with only 8 minutes remaining in the game. We all know how this story ends, and I was cursing him left and right. Fast forward to Sunday when he leaves the game with only 2 fantasy points to his name and MY TEAM STILL CAN'T WIN! I am now sure that he is my kryptonite, and his presence most certainly ensures my team's demise. But I digress. Actually no. Let's continue with some verbal abuse if only for my own therapeutic purposes.

• The dog slayer's post game comments are quite hypocritical. "I'm not tryin' to blame the refs." Well, I'm not buyin' it. Watch how definitively he says "absolutely" when asked if he thinks he's not getting the same calls as other quarterbacks. To my own dismay, he may be right and I think I know why; he's a dog slayer! But, not only do I bring obvious hindsight observations, I also come with solutions; run faster! You're the fastest player on the field, Vick, and I will no longer tolerate such an insolent attitude. There's no crying in Football. There, I feel slightly better.

Any chance I get. A Dawg fan can't resist

• The Falcons have got to motivate their offensive line. Matt Ryan getting sacked 13 times in 3 games is Bush League. Center McClure was back in the line-up, and I saw little improvement. Perhaps Dahl was the glue that held that line together. Unfortunately, the Falcons are up against the salary cap and simply could not afford to retain all the starting linemen from last season. Let's give some credit where it is deserved as well. The Buc's defense brought some heat all game long. I am also not going to point fingers at any of ATL's defensive linemen for jumping offsides at the end of the game. You simply got did by a better team. Better luck next week Falcons.

• The Georgia Bulldogs have got to be the most gullible team in the nation. Fake punts, onside kicks, reverse kick returns- they all seem to work so perfectly when executed against the presumptuous Dawgs. Have they never seen these plays before? It's like watching white guys play basketball. As Ole Miss kept faking the reverse, I knew they were setting it up for later in the game. I, on the same note as the Bulldogs, never saw the reverse pass coming. Well played Rebels... I mean Black Bears... oh, its the Rebel Black Bears (WTF?). At least it takes a trick play to have a chance at beating the Dawgs. Gladly, they were able to overcome.

• If you don't watch UFC, it's time to start. Quentin "Rampage" Jackson entered the ring with an unnervingly goofy stare instead of any fighter's typical bouncy anticipatory energy. I couldn't tell if he had brought some of his acting chops back with him from Hollywood or if he was just that focused. Either way, Jon Jones, the light-heavyweight champ, undressed him with a showcase of style. Long and tall, his chicken legs don't match the rest of him, but he mixed his kicks wonderfully, showed off great grappling skills, and eventually got the win via submission. I am definitely drinking the Jon Jones Kool-Aid right now. One other note, Nate Diaz taunted his opponent by dropping his hands, jutting his chin, and gesturing for a punch to be thrown. Sorry dude, you are not Anderson Silva. I wish someone would instantly KO any fighter who attempts this unsportsmanlike mockery.

What I want to see next week:

• I will be attending UGA's upcoming game against Miss St. Tailgating starts at 7 a.m., and I am at the mercy of the designated driver, so this may be the only game I see Saturday. In depth coverage to follow, possibly with a photo gallery.

In With the New: a bittersweet farewell to a sport and a hero

What seems like generations ago, rising stars like "Sugar" Shane Mosley, Oscar De la Hoya, and Roy Jones Jr. graced the HBO Saturday night fight cards. Fantastic bouts were fought by amazing champions of the ring. Perhaps I was young and impressionable but boxing had me entranced by its sporting sophistication and glamour. So many things went wrong somewhere between then and now. Big draw names are now absent from the heavyweight division. No unified governing body exists to crown (or belt) a world champ. The most desired match-ups were never put together. Will someone please make Mayweather v. Paqiuao happen. Then along came UFC.

I can remember the first fight I saw; Trigg v. Hughes 2 from UFC 52 (mislabeled as 45 in the video, their first meeting). Trigg low blows Hughes then puts him in a rear naked choke and by all means has him dead to rights, Hughes escapes, does his signature carry-you-across-the-ring-for-a-body-slam move, then finishes the match with his own rear naked choke. It was an epic finish and I was fan!

I hate to admit that boxing is becoming an archaic sport with the advent of mixed martial arts. UFC and its President, Dana White, are doing everything right. Fights in the octagon are action packed and unpredictable where those in the square ring might have an inordinate amount of grown men seemingly hugging each other. They have made the sport more accessible by airing matches and reality competitions on cable networks. Joe Rogan adds great energy to the commentating and even though they could not get the best ring announcer in history, Michael Buffer, they got the next best thing, his brother.

After an illustrious career, Matt Hughes may have fought his last fight on Saturday night. His conditioning, skills and determination were never in question as the former champion yielded his glory to a younger generation of ultimate fighter. Hall of Fame honors are most certainly deserved for an incredibly entertaining fighter. Hughes may be the reason I enjoy MMA so much today and for that I say "thank you".

Real Life Matters: Week Three

It could be rising

Or it could be setting

In week two Michigan State held lowly Florida Atlantic Western Orthopedic State Poly Tech University to a single first down, which came late in the game. God only knows what amount of shit the defensive back incurred from his teammates for allowing that one Firster. The fightin' Owls! had one play of more than 8 yards (0-10 on 3rd downs, 48 total yards), and it was that first down.

I expected nothing less from the Bulldogs when they played the Coastal Carolina Mascot Came from a Chaucer's Fables. The Chanticleers managed 112 yards of offense, but for a Dawg faithful that can only watch the game at a bar at 9 A.M. if he's lucky, I was not hinging hopes on anything but a shutout.

Despite playing three quarterbacks and getting even the backup waterboy some glory time, the dogs delivered. If you follow this Blog and, more importantly, the Bulldogs, you nod your head when I say you fully expect Georgia to give up a few meaningless touchdowns. You couldn't blame them if they did, with unproven and un-played pups taking the field to prove their mettle.

But there's something else going on here. UGA could've, by some objective opinions should've, beat SouthKackaLackie 'tween the hedges. Win, and you're in the driver's seat with a Miss Daisy schedule in the SEC East. The Dawgs lost but anyone watching that game will say: 1) UGA played their asses off and, 2) That was a most memorable game to watch.

So what's unique?

These players want Richt. They see a real leader that - and this is no bullshit - they would love to stand behind when they win The Big One. They don't want anyone else. They want to play for this man. Take it from the leader of UGA's team Aaron Murray (#2 in quarterback rating in the SEC, behind only "Tyler Bray," who's played Montana, Cincinnati and [HUGE dropoff in rating] Florida for Tennessee): "We are playing for wins right now. Wins equal him staying."

This week at Ole Miss, Georgia opened at -5 points. The line is now -10 and yours truly will take that (see below) to the bank feeling better about not receiving a kick in the ass. What does that tell you? Degenerate, always-betting sports gamblers move the lines. These people are, at best, 60% right, but that 10% is enough to scare Vegas into moving the line FIVE points in four days. Georgia could've just played their asses off for their CoachMR, at home and been hyped by the crowed. Hell, a few gimme scores by the Chauncer's Fables and I may be on that wagon.

I've been watching football long enough to know when I see something special, and this team has it. All of Dawg Nation will tell you we've always had the talent and the feeling we could always push it to the edge (also known as, Playing Down or Up to Our Opponent Sydnrom), but there's something ephemeral encompassing this season that can’t be will be explained here. Take the +10.

On to the week's bets. To recap, the rules are:

LOSER - Swift kick in the ass. No bullshit. Velocity of kick dependent upon kicker (kick-ee likely to ask for more)

WINNER - Bottle of his choosing.

BONUS - Winning Percentage more than 10% differential? Georgia home game football ticket

As always, it gets interesting as the season wheres on. Is it time to double down? Maybe a swift kick in the nuts (wearing 5 pairs of socks?) instead of an ass kick.

SEASON
OBJ
5-3
J-Rock
3-5
Editor's Note: Tough to go 0-4 when Vandy beats Ole Miss and Duke beats Boston College. J-Rock is new to this, fellers. He doesn't yet know Rule #1 of College Football Betting clearly dictates that you never bet on middle-of-the-pack (read: all) ACC teams. Let's see if he learned his lesson.

OBJ
Georgia (-10) Over Ole Miss
The Wynn is actually taking Georgia at -9.5 for this one. Good luck Wynn! Glad to know you follow every other relic of meaningful importance by proving yourself to be obsolete. No, seriously, the Wynn was the oringinator of the Vegas you (used to wish to) see. Yes, you began the MAJOR SPECTACULAR HOLY COW WHAT AN AMAZINGLY LARGE AND EVERYTHING IS HERE I COULD POSSIBLY WANT OR NOT WANT Vegas revolution. But get with the times. If I wasn't a poor-ass blogger I'd make a killing off your lazy-ass .5 differential.

Georgia and Ole Miss OVER 54
Are you kidding me? Georgia's going to lay at least 35 on these waysist folk. C'mon Ole Miss. Give me 19 points.

Florida State (+2.5) Over Clemson
Lock of the week. Wager everything you've got. Tell you what, if this doesn't pan out I'll YouTube myself - my fiance, my own fist or some random dude punching me in the nuts. In order of discretion, of course.

J-Rock
Michigan (-10) Over San Diego State
Miami (-12.5) Over Kansas State
Oklahoma State and Texas A&M UNDER 69


QUARTER TROPHY
The WNBA Playoffs is going on right now. Did you know?

/sexist joke

The loser of this week's picks receives the honor of the Tamika Catchings Honorary MVP award. Let's see how this plays out.

$500 to YOU, if You Can Tell Me the Two Teams in t

he WNBA Finals Without Looking it Up

GEORGIA IS A GIRL
Each week we're going to bring to you what the University of Georgia football team is, metaphorically speaking. In terms of a woman you are sexually/intellectually/spiritually interested in:

Week of 9/17
Love is hate. Hate is love. The two are inseparable. The only blissfully unaware people that do not know this are those that have never been in love - IN LOVE - enough to destroy themselves for another.

Georgia went away when you thought she may pan out. You could count on her for a could times, but she seemed...shallow in a sense. Even as a Georgia graduate you felt like there was something lacking in the fuse box department. Then you come to find she went to Law School at UGA and, well, damn, maybe she changed. MAYBE SHE'S BRIGHT.

I've met a tidy sum of women who graduated cum CONGRATULATIONS from the UGA Law School. Hate to sit on the fence but this is hit or miss. This observer is inclined to think UGA truly is turning a corner and not just attending breezy school to make a dolla.'

Sightseeing 9/22

Lately, my life has resembled any number of William H. Macy characters. Late Saturday nights I usually resemble Frank Gallagher from HBO's "Shameless" which is perhaps whats wrong with my blog posts. Right now you can call me The Cooler, though, due to my tragicomic 0-4 picks from last week. My sphincter has tightened considerably knowing that OBJ owes me more than a couple kicks to the ass and he will likely pay me back in full come seasons end. Hopefully, as in the movie, I will triumphantly walk away with the girl in the end (metaphorically). On with the show.

[slurred sing song] "Louie Louie, oh no. Me gotta go. Aye-yi-yi-yi"

• Let every American male admit they have Tom Brady envy. Good looks, riches, talent... He has everything we, or at least I, don't. He impregnates lingerie models on Saturday and throws TDs on Sunday. What did you do this weekend? As for me, see above pic.

• Clemson getting the best of Auburn was the game of the week. I honestly didn't think they had it in them. Much like UGA, I feel Clemson is the 'big engine that couldn't'. It seems to help when your opponent plays the 'porno coverage'; gaping holes everywhere. Dyer is still the best thing around since... well Lattimore. Damn there are some great backs in the SEC! I hear that Dabo is a real players coach (check out his post game interview) and I wish him and his team the best of luck in the upcoming week when they host the Seminoles.

• Matt Ryan appeared to be struggling for three quarters Sunday night. He was constantly trying to find some semblance of a pocket and picking himself up from the turf after many a play. Its a good thing ATL didn't abandon the run too early or we may have seen more INTs from those all star corners. I wouldn't put Samuels pick on Matty Ice's shoulders though, that was just fantastic play making. About the time Vick got his poetic justice, the Eagle's momentum shifted faster then a Porsche Tiptronic. Showing some fantastic poise, Matt found a way to win this game even with Roddy White mysteriously absent. Gonzalez was the difference maker much like Maclin, who missed the only one that really mattered. I fully suspect Philly would have won had con-Vick stayed in. He let the crowd know this by pointing at the score board as he left the game on a stretcher. Classy move from a classy guy. Well played game otherwise. Oh, but Dunta, please stop leading with your head. That $40K fine will definitely not be reduced this time.

• Ravens follow a vindicating win over the Steelers with a loss to the Titans. By the transitive property of algebra, in week 5 the Titans should beat the Steelers by 41 points. mark it down.

• There are many things I don't like about about FBS playing FCS schools. First, I feel downright awful for the visiting team. The Coastal Carolina Chanticleers did not want to come back onto that field after the half with Georgia (mercy rule anyone?). B. I think it gives the starters a false sense of accomplishment. If the only goal is play mistake free football, athletic differences greatly skew any meaningful result. Fourth, Even when the coach wants to take his foot off the gas, he puts in the second team. This is a rare opportunity for young players to prove themselves on the big stage and are going to give it their best effort. UGA's 2 deep roster handled things quite handily. Still I will take a win any way I can get it at this point in the season. Plus, we would never get the annual week 1 upset. This year it happened to Oregon State.

• I bet Jax is having second thoughts about cutting Garrard. Check out McCown's stat line from this past week: 6/19 59yds 0td 4int 1.8 QB rating and add a safety on top of that for good measure. I hear the Jags will be starting Gabbert week 3.

What I want to see next week:

• Stafford and the Lions to continue slaying their schedule
• Richt to retain his coaching position for at least one more week
• My picks to do a little better

Oh My Heart

You may have seen during football broadcasts, the competing colleges will produce short promotional videos that I assume are used to attract potential students or encourage alumni donations.  In the recent past, UGA's has been, for lack of a better word, ATROCIOUS!. Unfortunately, you may remember ta few years ago, a disgraceful bandwagon referencing to texting. I always felt the proud, resourceful, edu-macated folks at the university (whether it be students, faculty, or alumni) could do better. Perhaps with the coersion of others, we finally have a tv spot that better represents our values here in Athens. Below you will find a very dignified portrayal of our fine institution set to an emotionally stirring tune by local artists R.E.M.

The Bachelor - Andrew Luck Winners and Losers Week 1

Hi, I'm Andrew Luck. Do you want me? Yeah, I know you do. Everyone wants me. But only one of you will have me, because even though I start out with 32 roses, eventually I'll only be handing out one. Take it away, OBJ.

Thanks, Andrew! Some interesting things going on in the NFL right now. The most interesting statistic after Week 1? 10 wide receivers compiled 100 or more receiving yards. Out of that 10? Three of their teams went on to twin the game. Conversely, seven running backs finished with one hundred yards rushing or more. Their team won 6 out of those 7 instances. What does this all mean?! Probably nothing, since having a sizable lead on your opponent generally dictates that you run the ball and milk the clock. But, if this trend continues, we may have a bona fide changing of the times on our hands, where running the football is more important than having explosive passing offenses. Sue's will be keeping an eye on this interesting notion, but after Week One it certainly appears that winning a game and having a 100-yard rusher go hand-in-hand.


WINNER
Indianapolis Colts
Oh, boy did you guys ever win. Finishing with nearly half as many first downs as your former doormat Houston Texans, you managed one touchdown in 4th quarter garbage time and less than 200 receiving yards against last year's worst passing defense. Granted, you had prune-juice chugging Kerry Collins chucking the ball, but guess what? That's not changing any time soon. You managed 4.72 yards average in 50 plays, and essentially declared to the NFL that they should come and feed on your carcass as if the rest of your schedule were a pack of starving hyenas. The time to give up hope on your season is now, but hark! A new hope is on the horizon!

Man, that would be such a blessing to play under Peyton for the first few years of my career. This is exciting!

Great point, Andy! Unfortunately, there's a decent chance Peyton never plays again, or is at least playing at 60-80% of his former self. The way this team is built, you may be starting your second - or even first - year.

LOSER
The Washington Redskins
This really should be Winner for "everyone else including fans," because nobody wants to see Andrew Luck go to an awful franchise, get mishandled and inevitably wind up a career backup. But oh, how the Redskins could've used a franchise quarterback. They wanted one so bad they allowed themselves to get hoodwinked into Donovan McNabb by a team in their own division. In a game that featured a combined 140 yards rushing, Rex Grossman had an admittedly good game, somehow throwing more touchdowns than interceptions. More importantly, the Redskins gained solid momentum in the NFC East Divisional race, which features the Eagles and some other teams. I would like to ask a Redskins fan how they feel about simultaneously talking themselves into a 2011 playoff run and the Sexy Rexy era, but I don't know any.

WINNER
Minnesota Vikings
Speaking of McNabb, wow! What a wonderfully shitty game you had, Donovan! 7/15 for 49 yards. 49 yards? Even someone who doesn't know anything about football can tell you that's stepping-in-dogshit-in-brand-new-kicks awful. I can hold my breath and run or swim 49 yards. I bet you never thought you'd get your winning ticket to the Luck Sweepstakes in a Donovan Shop, did you Vikings? The only bright spot in this game was Adrian Peterson nearly rushing for a hundred yards and screwing up our enlightening Rushing vs. Receiving Who Ya Got theory. Tell me, with only one turnover, how on earth did you only manage 187 yards? To put it in perspective just how terrible your team is offensively, do you realize Cam Newton gained 253 more yards by himself last week? That's right, Cam Newton threw and ran for 43% more yards than your entire team. He basically lapped you. On a positive note, your defense forced two turnovers, which unfortunately and unavoidably puts your offense back on the field.

Hey, being drafted by Minnesota wouldn't be so bad. Heck, I wouldn't even have to move!

Right you are, Andy! Minnesota almost looks to be trying to be LA's next team. Kudos to you!

LOSER
Cincinnati Bengals
Hey, Bengals, WTF are you doing? You've got "Andy Dalton" as your starting quarterback (injured, questionable for Week 2), Brady Gradkowski as your de facto starter, and Carson Palmer willing to retire just so he doesn't have to set foot in your dysfunctional organization again. And you're trying to throw TD bombs in the last second? Yo, you need to tank that shit like George Patton, son! Or better, yet, tank it like one of your adorably ill-conceived acquisitions, Tank! Look, this was a spectacularly even game, with both teams earning 17 first downs and about the same 290 yards of offense. So maybe tanking it would've looked...I don't know, obvious. But there's no shame in losing on purpose. Just ask the chick who "lost" her earrings and hair ties in your house.

We've got an exciting race, here. Join us next week when we discover the Winners and Losers of the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes!

I don't want to play for the Redskins.


I know, Andy!

Real Life Matters: Week Two

Boy, oh boy. Ain't it the truth?

Two weeks ago I flew into Atlanta to watch my Georgia Bulldogs hopefully squeak out a win against the Idaho Spudpackers. I did not carry with me positive feelings as I boarded the plane. I was not confident we would send Boise back to the hairy, sweaty lower back of America wondering why they thought they could play on the same field as us.

I thought we would lose.

Fast forward to last week, and I allowed myself to get sucked in. I started to think, "Hey, wait a second. There's no way in the world we're that bad" and "Hey I forgot! We're playing at home!"

I called my brother and told him we were going to win, because this time I was confident. This time, I wasn't going to jinx my team with my confounded pessimism. My brother was gracious enough to text me no less than 8 times over and over Saturday night: "Fuck you and your guarantees."

I learned that it was a cellular glitch that allowed the nonstop barrage of text hatred, but the message was received nonetheless (pun unintended). That pretty much sums up the feelings of the Georgia faithful right now.

Why did you make us think we were going to be a force in the SEC? Why did you give us so many 10-win seasons in a row? Why did you make us believe we had a coach that would be around for 20 years? Fire talk is rampant. People are worried about the Dawgs being booed by their own fans. A promising season is nearly impossible at this point. There's despair, then there's



Okay, had to get that out of the system. To be certain, that was one of the greatest college football games I have ever seen. It truly felt like I was watching two SEC powerhouses going toe-to-toe in a heavyweight title match. It also felt like Georgia was going to win the game. Why?

Georgia 1st Downs - 23
Cocks 1st Downs - 15

Georgia 3rd Down Efficiency - 42%
Cocks 3rd Down Efficiency - 29%

Georgia Total Yards - 436 Yards
Cocks Total Yards - 395 Yards

A fake punt for a touchdown, another sack/fumble for a touchdown, and Georgia's done. South Carolina could very well go on to win the SEC East for the second time - bully to you South Carolina. Georgia looked incredible except for those costly errors (flukes, to this viewer, aside from CAN'T YOU SEE THE FAKE PUNT COMING YET JESUS), and if they had won, we would be talking about Georgia as a top 25 team that may make a push for the SEC East Crown.

As it stands we need South Carolina to lose two SEC games - not impossible with road games at Arkansas and a spunky Mississippi State looming for their West sked - but Georgia needs to finish undefeated to have a chance at greatness this season. I don't believe I've ever seen a coach save his job with a loss, but I believe CMR did just that with our impressive yet ultimately deflating performance against South Carolina.

On to the week's bets. To recap, the rules are:

LOSER - Swift kick in the ass. No bullshit. Velocity of kick dependent upon kicker (kick-ee likely to ask for more)

WINNER - Bottle of his choosing.

BONUS - Winning Percentage more than 10% differential? Georgia home game football ticket

Last week's picks leave us all tied up. Things will get interesting once J-Rock realizes what Over/Under really means.

SEASON
OBJ
3-1
J-Rock
3-1


OBJ
Penn State (-7) Over Temple
Minnesota (-4) Over Miami (OH)
Texas (-3.5) Over UCLA
South Carolina (-16.5) Over Navy

J-Rock
Ole Miss (-1.5) Over Vanderbilt
Boston College (-7) Over Duke
Arizona State (+1.5) Over Illinois
Michigan State and Notre Dame OVER 51

GEORGIA IS A GIRL
Each week we're going to bring to you what the University of Georgia football team is, metaphorically speaking. In terms of a woman you are sexually/intellectually/spiritually interested in:

Week of 9/17
Fittingly, it's not easy to write this. Georgia is the girl you fell in love with so hard, it's not that you can't look at another girl's ass. You simply don't. She breaks your heart, in the most Maury Povich way, and then starts sleeping with losers behind your back. Worst of fall, no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot even masturbate without thinking about her. She's the worst kind of chick - you're in love with her even though you see her faults slapping you in the face.

Golden D-Bag awards: First Edition

The first awarding of the Golden D-Bag belongs to............

Tedy Bruschi

Congratulations Tedy. I used to respect your opinions given your history of performance and work ethic. Now I see you have parlayed your position to stroke yourself as some guru with an overinflated sense of importance. Listen to his comments about Chad Johnson's tweet following the Patriot's victory over Miami on Monday Night Football here. He fails to do himself any favors but most importantly his criticism of Johnson is completely unwarranted. Chad posts a harmless comment complimenting his QB on a job well done, if only TO could have been so supportive of his passers. I'm sure ochocinco will find his groove and be river dancing in the end zone soon. Shame on you Tedy, its only a game. 

I understand that football is a business but an employer must take care of his employees to make for a productive work environment. I guess that is why the Jaguars cut Garrard altogether only days before opening kick. Come clean Jags, this move was entirely monetary. If you thought McCown gives you a better chance to win why not just move him up the depth chart. Poorly handled and well deserving of an honorary golden D-Bag award. I hope there is some recourse for David. Perhaps he could exact his revenge by join the Colts who are incidentally sharing this award with the Jags. Rolling Collins out of the retirement home sends a very clear message to Painter: "This guy is going to get a week of practice with the team and he will already be better than you." OUCH!  If I were him I would use the clipboard for nothing but signing game checks. You deserve this one Colts if for nothing other than not having a contingency plan.

Sightseeing 9/15

Consider this segment a safari through the previous week's sports landscape. I'll discuss, in brief, some of the more compelling things I saw over the weekend. What I won't do is analyze play by play or breakdown film. I'm not that smart and you're not that interested. On this safari, we take a picture of a lion without giving him a dental exam. Bring your mosquito nets. There's no antidote for the illness I'm about to bring.

Looks like the nose guard is lined up in the 3 technique

• Let's start with Georgia football. The team made a dramatic improvement between Boise and SC. Now should I expect that same level of performance for the rest of the season? Of course not. Georgia always has a way of playing down to its opponents. That's just me being the eternal pessimist. The two toughest games are out of the way and if Bulldogs play with the resolve I know they are capable of, 10-2 is not outside the realm of possibility.

• Ravens and Steelers. Usually a hotly contested defensive slobberknocker (yea I said it!) but... the Steelers forgot to get off the bus and Ray Rice made them pay. It's ok LeBeau, the ravens played enough defense for the both of yous.

• Many circumstances led me to believe Scam Newton would faceplant against the big boys. Lack of OTAs, new head coach, Auburn's simplified playbook, and an underwhelming pre-season apparently prove nothing except Newton is a COMPETITOR. As much as I hate this, he had an impressive box score and will likely have continued success. This week against Green Bay will probably set that developement back at least one week.

• How about the air show on Thursday night. Packers didn't miss a beat from last seasons spectacular finish. All the injured offensive weapons return and the defense looks stout, flying around, knocking some heads about. Let's give some recognition to Brees who willed the Saints downfield, showing amazing skills on his opponents field.

What I want to see next week:

• Falcons to realize that the games stated counting... last week
• Clemson to bring Auburn back down to earth. Its a long shot but a man can dream.
• Braves to play some solid ball. Post season is almost a lock and some momentum would be nice
• Another finish like we saw in Ann Arbor

Sounds Spicy!

Football, unlike most other sports, plays almost exclusively on weekends. If you have the coveted Monday to Friday workweek, then the weekend is the time to kick back with some friends, enjoy your favorite adult beverage, and watch way more football than you actually need, deserved, or even wanted. I also arrange for something delicious to emerge from the kitchen at some point in the festivities. As my partner has referred to my work as confusing and soothing chili, I shall bring you just that; southwest gameday Chili.

2 lbs. ground meat (Venison is best, if you have one of those redneck friends who doesn't mind sitting in a tree, in the cold, at the ass crack of dawn to attain such amazing delicacies. Use beef if you're a traditionalist or turkey if you want to impress the girl you just met at the gym)
1 lrg can tomato sauce
1 med can diced tomatoes undrained
1 sm can tomato paste
1 can corn drained
1 can black beans drained
1 onion diced
1-however many you may need assorted peppers diced (anything from bell to chili [go figure] to jalapeno will do. Use scotch bonnet only if the gym girl isn't over. If she is, use the ones from your garden and you might just have a girlfriend by weeks end.)

Season to taste with, in order of quantity high to low:
Cumin
Chili powder
red pepper flake
Salt
Black pepper
Garlic
cayenne pepper (again, monitor usage according to gym girl)

Brown meat, and combine all ingredients in a crock pot. Cook on low for at least 4 hours. Garnish with shredded cheddar, sour cream, and Ritz crackers. Every batch may vary slightly, but never stray too far from home base lest you find yourself cutting your ton-ton open with your lightsaber and sleeping in the entrails just to survive the night. Happy gameday!

Not these chili peppers

Real Life Matters Week One

STILL WORKS IN THE SEC
Hey There USC/UNC/MIA!!

Back when we were still giving you the reach-around at Runaround's, our bets were quite extravagant given the times. Let's be realistic and boil it down this time around. BOIL IT DOWN LIKE THEY DO IN 'SIANNA.

There are a measly 29 26 letters in the alphabet. So why in the hell is it so hard for people to throw 'em all together and write?

Self Pity party over - I hope you got your favors. We got a newbie on the betting line and a brand new if not compelling bet:

LOSER - Swift kick in the ass. No bullshit. Velocity of kick dependent upon kicker (kick-ee likely to ask for more)

WINNER - Bottle of his choosing.

BONUS - Winning Percentage more than 10% differential? Georgia home game football ticket

Here we go, then.

OBJ
AUBURN (+7) Over Mississippi State
TENNESSEE (-6) Over Cincinnati
TCU (-2) Over Air Force
Georgia Vs. South Carolina UNDER 51.5

J-Rock
OREGON (-26.5) Over Nevada
Cal (-6.5) over Colorado
TCU (-2) Over Air Force
Oregon St. and Wisconsin UNDER 57

It's unfair that OBJ lives so close to Vegas and understands odds, while J-Rock's best gambling days involve wagering naked pictures of his ex and a tire iron.

GEORGIA IS A GIRL
Each week we're going to bring to you what the University of Georgia football team is, metaphorically speaking. In terms of a woman you are sexually/intellectually/spiritually interested in:

Week of 9/10
This week, you could all write it yourself. Georgia is the girl you haven't seen for quite some time, but begins text messaging you like crazy for months when she knows you're back in town. She promises that she's lost a TON of weight since you last saw her in college, when she was "Too Big to Fit in a Bath Cath." You meet up with her one night, and lo and behold she looks INCREDIBLE. Unfortunately, she's wearing such baggy clothing (playing a pseudo top 5 team) you can't rightly tell what her figure looks like, and you're too damn exhausted to explore further.

The next date matters, CATHY. Are you the Cathy we knew in college who could chug beers and pass out on bathroom floors with the worst best of them? Or are you really the chick you put your ass out there to be?

Hokey uniforms give way to true blue red and black skin-tight clothing, GAl. Let's see how ya look.