Sobered Up - Final Mumme Poll

Final thoughts on a 2009 College Football season gone horribly awry, as expressed through a medium known as the Mumme Poll:

***Foreword by OBJ

The dust has settled. The chalk lines will fade into the wintry earth. Impassioned millions everywhere will find emptiness on Saturdays. The snap counts will fade into echoes. Team logos will only be found on the oldest of Coke 12-packs. Coaches, some inexplicably, will remain safe in their jobs for a few short months.

The 2008-2009 College Football season is over, my friends. It is time to find a constructive alternative for our energies. Perhaps a hobby? Sue's would just like to thank all of you for joining us on our journey through the season. Hawks talk and soon, unfortunately, Braves talk will dominate the pages of Sue's in the months to come.

I have a feeling about the 2009 season. Not necessarily that it will hold a title waiting in the warm bosom of the promise of a new season for Georgia, but that it will be demonstrably more exciting for fans of nearly all teams. Hope springs eternal, and come Spring, we'll have another eternal season starting fresh with rosters fleshing out and Spring games popping up everywhere.

We'll see you then.***

1. Florida - This news is espicially disconcerting. However, the good news is there's no fucking chance in hell Brandon Spikes and Percy Harvin don't go pro. Tebow's third-round ass can talk that up all he wants, but they gone. Whatever. There's been some discussion on Georgia blogs whether or not a Dawg fan should cheer for Florida due to SEC pride, and even as someone who loves loves loves a good S-E-C chant, I still found myself rooting for Oklahoma last night. I'm just sick of this school winning national titles. Still though, excellent performance by the Florida defense in the 2nd half adjusting to Oklahoma's hurry-up offense; and as could be expected, Tebow, Harvin and the Florida OL made the necessary plays to seal the victory in the final 30 minutes.

2. Texas - I don't think they would have faired any better than the Sooners last night, but they should have been there. Now, the question is, should college football implement a playoff system of some...just playin', not going there. And I wish the media wouldn't either. "An 8-team playoff played at the bowl sites would solve all the...." Oh really doctor, I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE! WHAT A BRILLIANT IDEA! I HAVEN'T HEARD EVERY FUCKING PLAYOFF SCENARIO POSSIBLE OVER THE LAST 15 YEARS AND HOW GREAT THEY WOULD WORK! PLEASE EXPLAIN FURTHER. As long as the ACC and Big East are around, we will never get a fair playoff system. Deal with it.

3. Utah - Again, SEC snobbery is on the backburner this year. Why isn't Kyle Wittingham getting more looks from big time programs with head coach openings? Does he have a black or Asian wife I don't know about?

4. Oklahoma - With their 5th consecutive loss in a BCS bowl, and third straight in a BCS championship game, are these guys going to start getting the Ohio State no-benefit-of-the-doubt treatment? As long as they continue to play a legit regular season schedule, I don't think so, but it will at least be in folks' minds moving forward.

5. USC - These guys have no claim to the national title, period. They lost to Oregon State, Utah beat OSU a couple weeks later. Try not to lose to Washington next year, yo.

6. Alabama - Sure, Saban has these guys on the uptick, and they'll be a national power for awhile, but next year, with the loss of six valuable seniors and team MVP Andre Smith, expect a SEC-tastic 9-4-ish dropoff next season. Did any other UGA fans get visions of West Virginia while watching Utah start throwing haymakers from the opening kickoff in the Sugar Bowl?

7. Penn State - What's with all the controversy/discussion over JoePa's 3-year extension? First of all, if Charlie Weis or Tommy Bowden coached a team to the Rose Bowl, they'd get an 80-year extension. Just because of this year's success, the extension is warranted. Second, HE'S NOT THE FUCKING COACH ANYMORE. He's a figurehead. Kinda like the Queen of England. Keeping this old man with name-brand recognition around is a good thing for this program. Nice year by these guys, and way to make everyone forget about that ugly offseason.

8. Ohio State - Only three losses, all to teams above them on this list, and only one was a blowout! You know how impressive a feat that is given the offense Jim Tressel runs? It's almost like he's trying to honor Lloyd Carr's legacy out there.

9. TCU - Uncle. I've avoided putting these guys or Boise ahead of many BCS powers all year long, but with only two quality losses all year (Oklahoma, Utah) and a well-coached come from behind win in the Holiday Bowl vs. Boise State, I can snub no more. I will also conveniently ignore the fact that their next best win was against a vastly overrated BYU team.

10. Georgia - Please peep OBJ's thoughts on Black Wednesday (which was followed by Black Thursday, and Black Thursday Night). I agree with most everything he said, and it's time to move forward. Remember the good times. Live in the now. All that bullshit. I won't bother to re-hash everything that has been said about those two, but I will say, I never, ever, ever want to read another fucking article like this about a Dawg. I'd love to go line-by-line and list all the things that pissed me off about that article, but that would be a waste of time. Instead, I will choose to watch and re-watch that final TD from the Cap One bowl that the Senator aptly dubbed "bittersweet" until I am numb and my brain is physically unable to process "if only"-type thoughts.

Mumme extras: Virginia Tech, for upholding the proud tradition of 4-loss conference champions everywhere and leaving everyone clamoring for all ACC-Big East bowl teams to play each other off a remote island somewhere off the coast of Guam; and Ole Miss, because, well, they beat up on Texas Tech, which showed their true stripes about two months later than I thought they would. Something tells me in 3-4 years that Mike Leach will regret not jumping ship (no pun intended) while the iron was hot. How's that for a screwed up metaphor?

My Apollie-Ollogies

Dear Joe,

I sincerely and profusely apologize for the severe lambasting I doled out with such vitriol in your general direction below. I immediately regret it. Not only do I know who you are, I recognize that you've won a game in Sanford stadium before.

Just because my girlfriend dumped me for a richer, more popular guy is no excuse for me to call up one of my exes, give her the Joe Cox, and immediately call her a fat whore and make her leave.

My bad.

Sincerely,

OBJ

The Old Me's Dead and Gone, Dead and Gone

No photos with (attempted) witty subheads today, folks. No links. No arguing about the relative postseason outlook for our Baby Hawks.

Today we simply honor - not mourn - the loss of the two best offensive players at the University of Georgia in my lifetime.

Hundreds of thoughts race through the head of the Dawg fan today. Why did they leave? Is our program not enticing enough to bring back a top-draft-pick quarterback for a fourth year the way USC and [cringe] Tennessee have done in recent years? Who the hell is Joe Cox?

Your boy Joe Friday and I have been lamenting all day. It seriously feels like a terrible break-up. One where you knew the end was coming, but you held out hope until the very end, kicking and scratching your way into the last desperate gasp of a conversation. But no matter what you feel or say, it's over. They believe they've found something better, and if you really love them you'll be happy for them.

I'm not at that stage yet. I'm looking at the 2009 College Football season as not only an opportunity to root on a healthy, lowered-expectations (which is where I always prefer we begin) but still very talented Bulldog team, but also to root against the Stafford legacy. Which is to say that if Joe Cox pulls one out of his sphincter and wins an SEC title, there will be scarce a little boy with tears falling on his still-bright scarcely-washed Stafford jersey. Stafford will be some poor schmo getting pummeled into the ground - and a 3-win season - and the Bulldogs will be a team again.

Look I'm not wishing these boys any ill will whatsoever. But the mentality has got to be: Thanks for coming. There's a lot worse things I would do for $30 millie than leave behind an additional year of eligibility to play at a school. Many of them make me ashamed. And I understand football's a rough, contact sport. You could get injured. I can't blame them for moving on, and we should do the same.

There are two moments in my sports fan history where I have felt so crestfallen I nearly cried. The first was the 2002 Georgia-Florida game, which I was forced to watch with my Father the Florida Fan. Alone. I took a long walk after that game, but in the end only a few half-assed tears came out. The other is today, but I find solace in the fact that...wait a second what the fuck do I find solace in? This is TERRIBLE!!

There simply hasn't been enough time for me to look at this in a positive light just yet. Perhaps that this is the first Aaron Murray tag? I just don't know, as I sit here and shake my head, how I'll get the feeling of wasted potential out of my head. There are worse things than your favorite football team losing it's two best (not to mention 3 of it's top 5 with Southerland and MoMass gone) players. Like finding out you have herpes or something. Just think, there's a Bulldog fan out there somewhere who found that out today. Poor bastard.

So happy trails from Runaround Sue's, Knowshon and Mathew. You provided some great memories and even greater hope for a future that turned out to disappoint, but for a while at least you were a few Damn Good Dawgs. Here's to hoping we won't be missing you for too long, as we usher in and re-invite the true mentality of the Georgia fan back into our hearts: rooting for a team of individuals thankful to be playing in the Red and Black, rather than a few superstars you hope will carry us.

Cox, try not to shit yourself the first time you find yourself in the middle of 92,000+, will ya?

A Playoff Predictions Column? Brilliant!

Since our preseason NFL picks worked out so well (Cowboys-Saints #1-2 in the NFC!), I knew that Sue's playoff picks would be in high demand. So as I close out the last hour of "work" for 2008, I bring to you some unsolicited thoughts on this year's playoffs that are probably not that different than any of the thoughts by the other 328332093270932732 people who write about the NFL on a regular basis.

1. I can't remember the last time that all four wild card teams were held in higher regard than their division-winning round one opponents. This is what you get when you decide to roll with eight divisions, giving seeding priority to those division winners. The NBA faced a similar problem a few years ago and responded by seeding the playoffs based on records, while still reserving a spot for even the shittiest of division winners. I'd like to see the NFL adopt this format. Actually, I'd really like to see the NFL revert to three divisions per conference, but as OBJ points out, sports leagues rarely revert to the past when it comes to expansion/realignment...it's all about moving forward. So just a simple re-seeding of the playoffs would be fine, just so we don't have to see things like a 12-4 Colts team having to travel halfway across the country to play an 8-8 Chargers squad.

2. I've been picking against the Falcons all season long, and it's served the local football collective well. Why stop now? The Birds are actually favored at Arizona this weekend, but I see Cardinals winning a close one, making everyone who is finally giving the Falcons their due feel like a dunce. The Cardinals run defense isn't half-bad, so if they can stuff the run at the line of scrimmage, they'll be forcing a slumping Matt Ryan to beat them. Even with a shoddy pass D, the Cards will take that matchup with a rookie QB on the road in the playoffs. Likewise, I have no faith in the Falcons secondary or one-man pass rush stopping that sick Zona passing attack either.

3. Joe Flacco and the Ravens stout defense travels to Miami in the other rookie-QB-on-the-road game, which should be a field day for both defenses. Unlike OBJ, who has the Ravens making the AFC title game at a minimum, I view this game as a toss-up. The Dolphins simply don't turn the ball over that much, and much of the Ravens offense this season has been aided by good field position created off turnovers. That said, as a Jets fan, I've watched Chad Pennington in the playoffs, and RayRay, Eddie Reed and Co. have to be licking their chops. The over-under in this game is 37.5. Thats probably 27.5 points too high.

4. I think Indy could/would win the Super Bowl. Other than maybe the Steelers, I'd even anoint them the favorite. But going to San Diego to play a hot Chargers team that always plays them close is the worst possible matchup in Round One for them. By the way, how appropriate was it that LaDanian Tomlinson waited until Week 17 to have his fantasy breakout game, after every league championship had been decided? That, combined with his groin injury and question of if he would be ready for this weekend's game, were easily the locks of the year, at least until the inevitable fracases outside of Philips Arena after the Weezy show tonight have the ATL Spirit brass on the phone Monday at 9am offering Panic a blank check to come back and play next New Year's Eve.

5. I will not be watching the Vikings-Eagles game. Pretty interesting though how the Vikes opened up at 1-point favorites and now, 2 days later, Philly is favored by 3. Everyone's been overrating the Iggles all year long; so again, why stop now? Also, props to Brad Childress for naming Gus Ferotte the starter "for the remainder of the season" only to bench him for an equally inept Tavaris Jackson during the stretch run for the playoffs. That should work out well.

6. Beyond Round 1 in the NFC, the Giants and Carolina look like locks to re-create their epic Week 16 showdown in the NFC title game. I'm taking Carolina in the NFC, for reasons that will probably make no sense on the eve of the NFC title game. OBJ is taking the Giants, because well, it's the easy way out. Personally, I just think he wants to see 80 Archie Manning interviews when his predicted Giants-Colts Super Bowl (aka Manningasm) plays out.

7. As for the AFC, I know the Titans are getting no love; because much like with the Giants beat-up receiving corps, you can't overlook the injuries to their defensive line. Kerry Collins has also looked ineffective of late, and other than Flacco, is probably the worst QB standing in the AFC. As long as they can continue to run the ball, I do think they will make the AFC title game and possibly the Super Bowl; but as I stated earlier, I believe the Colts and the Steelers are the best two teams in the NFL, and you'll see the winner of that matchup (be it in the Divisional Round of the AFC Championship) hoisiting the Lombardi Trophy in early February (move it back to January, Rog).

OBJ AFC: Colts over Ravens
OBJ NFC: Giants over Panthers
OBJ SB: Colts over Giants

Joe Friday AFC: Colts over Titans
Joe Friday NFC: Panthers over Giants
Joe Friday SB: Colts over Panthers

Yeah, I probably should've told you up above that you could've skipped that wack-ass analysis and just peeped the predictions right there, but that's about as fun as listening to someone bitch about if they just hadn't benched A.J. Bryant in Week 14 they would have won their fantasy league. We'll be back next week to completely revamp our predictions and hopefully delete this post without anyone noticing. Until then, Happy 2009 and be safe.

Bawlin' Cawlin' 12-30

Two Cawlin's in two days! Hey, this basketball picking thing can be kinda fun! With both competitors neck and neck out the gate, it's time to reveal our official Runaround Sue's 2008-09 Bawlin' Cawlin' Pot:

It's there, you just have to look for it! Like positive signs in the Braves' offseason!

On the table: $500 and an overpriced meal + drinks at the Chop House (former stomping grounds of {sniff} Andruw's Brew Crew) during the first compelling Braves match-up of the season. Quite a bit on the table, so I hope all of you Sue's fans are rooting me. Because I'm the good guy. And SJF is a complete asshole.

Now, most of you will probably not find this very surprising, but apparently Joe Johnson is kinda good. Since joining the Hawks, JJ has reached career highs in nearly every statistical category, including FG, FG%, Age, FT%, AST, STL and PTS. The only major category he hasn't eclipsed is his insane 2004-05 3-point shooting performance (.478%). All this is to say that starting me off on the right foot may have earned the Hawks my go-to team to choose for Cawlin' purposes. On to today's picks!

Record
OBJ: 1-0
Joe Friday: 1-0

So ridiculously exciting, isn't it?

Today's Picks
OBJ: Hawks (+2.5) over Pacers - I'm riding these Hawks until I'm 6 feet under laying next to Jeff Francoeur's career (zing!)!!11!! C'mon, BABY HAWKS!

Joe Friday: Sacto (-3) over LAC

Shotcallin': Bawlin' Cawlin' NBA Edition

After sitting around and, essentially, doing nothing and waiting for the solution to not having any college football to present itself, we here at Runaround Sue's have given up. It's time to move forward without the possibility of our favorite teams and nemeses lining up each week. To help pass the time, Joe Friday and I will be doing weekly, twice-weekly, perhaps even biweekly Shotcallin' Special NBA Editions, aptly dubbed Bawlin' Cawlin' and currently rearing back to knock your ass over with our weekly, twice-weekly or perhaps even biweekly predictions.

I know. No, seriously, I know. And you're welcome.

A good luck charm...

Week One Picks

SJF: Detroit (+3) over Orlando

OBJ: Atlanta (-5) over Denver

I would just like to state, for the record, that I have never before even looked at basketball lines, and seeing 200+ point spreads is quite disorienting. I kinda feel like I'm trying to do a trick off a diving board while strapped to a wheel chair, but...I guess...Atlanta to cover 5...is a good way...to...start? C'mon Baby Hawks!

Even with Carmelo playing out of his mind, I don't think the Nuggets can prevent the Hawks, if playing at their full capacity, from beating Denver by 5.

As it stands, by the end of the season we will add up our "Cawls," so to speak, with a pot of anywhere between $150-500. This heavily depends on both the expected and unexpected legal fees Sue's will have to endure in the months to come.

Sue's Christmas List: 2008

Mirroring the desires of an entire nation, the following is what we here at Sue's really want the world's Christmas magic allocated to...

Note: Wishes were placed in order of desire and/or feasibility

Santa's little helper just got a little bigger...

10. Brett Favre announces his retirement. Nobody listens nor cares. After walking out of the Jets press room, heading out of the building and crossing the street, he immediately turns around, walks back towards the building and gets hit by a bus. Nobody stops nor cares. Listen. I don't wish any ill will upon anyone. But good God am I sick of Brett Favre. And I've only heard his name like 30 times in the past week. That's a huge drop-off from the average. As a matter of fact, I actually like aging superstars that don't have a snowcone's chance in hell of ever maintaining whatever semblance of actual (not to mention blown-out-of-proportion-by-fans) skill he/she may have had. Bring it on, Bonds! Just try it out in a shoot around, Mike! Keep swinging 'till you drop, Evander! But damnit. If you can't do it without annoying the entire nation - including a fan base that once worshipped you - then just go away.

Nobody {sniff} cares about me {sniff, sniff} anymore.

9. After seeing what the Yankees have been doing (and knowing what the Red Sox do), the Jays, deciding to do so before they cannot reciprocate any value from him, trade Roy Halladay. To the Braves. Look is this really that impossible? If I were the Blue Jays I would totally do this. Okay that's a complete fucking lie, but still. Would the Braves be a contender with this addition? No. Would they be more entertaining to watch? If you enjoy defensive pitching match-ups, then Yes. Every 4-5 days. But Dawc Halladay is the best pitcher in baseball right now, according to multiple sources of data compiled here at Sue's. Including 4 seasons worth of fantasy. I would try to see the Braves every time Dawc was on the mound. Hey, Blue Jays! Dawc's contract is up, soon! Don't you want some crappy prospects in exchange?

You need a change of scenery, yo

8. The return of The Rock for a solid year to the WWE. This may be the only way we can get SJF to be entertained by wrestling, folks. Also only thing that could allow Sue's to have interesting content about wrestling, or get me watching in earnest again. Otherwise, we may be looking at the total absence of wrestling at Sue's come '09.

Or you could play a gay folks singing wannabe actor opposite Travolta...

7. A Georgia win in the Capitol One Bowl. Your favorite team in one of the best bowls outside of a BCS bowl game and you only list this at #7? What gives, Sue's? Several reasons that this wish is ranked so low - lower than, say, even Florida winning their bowl game. For one, after the insane expectations of the preseason, this anticlimactic game would only marginally serve our broken spirits better if we win. At this point, I really don't think Dawg fans will weep too much for our season with a 9-4, rather than a 10-3. Then there's the irrational hope that a loss will compel our superstars to return for another season, not wanting to leave behind a legacy of mediocrity that could so easily be overcome by a new class of recruits one day. Hopefully, these boys want to be legends. But, more than anything, it's one game. The Hawks still have the rest of the season, and SEC Snobbery can go well into the '09 season with another dismantling in the BCS title game. The placement is accurate, I assure you.

Could this really be our lasting impression?

6. Another blowout in the BCS National Championship by an SEC team. 3rd in a row and fourth in six years dating back to LSU's 2003 Championship? Yes, please. Actually, I'm more concerned about Florida losing than I am about them not winning. If they win, you will hear about a week's worth of "And once again the SEC proves why there's so much talk about them being such a far superior conference, and why there are so many SEC Snobs." If they lose, you'll hear a month's worth of "The SEC was having a down year, and Florida got into this game on the merits of predetermined ideas about the conference. Perhaps USC should've been in the game?" In any case, any even that allows for SEC Snobbery to reach new heights receives Sue's stamp of approval.

5. The Atlanta Hawks to find a better bench. Perhaps the best starting five from several different standpoints, but that bench will not take you very far, if anywhere, come playoffs time (Note: DAP to the Baby Hawks for even having me speak about the playoffs as a foregone conclusion in December)

This, could be, an improvement.

4. The Atlanta Hawks to find a way to play up-tempo offense without sacrificing their much-improved D. You've got the athleticism, Hawks. Use it.

3. A drunken New Year's encounter with Miss SEC Poon USA. OBJ has a girlfriend and is very, very happy with her. However, there is no doubt that when confronted with the overwhelming slickness of the combined macking might of Runaround Sue's, Jammin's stellar wingman play and Friday's "Joe Cool" approach in the pocket would win poor Lane's heart quicker than spit drying on a Phoenix pavement in August.

Not sure where you're looking,
but you should be keeping one of those beautiful blues on Sue's.

2. Mathew Stafford to stay the fuck away from the NFL draft, for one more year. Matt, buddy, TRUST me, you don't want to play in Detriot. The city's about to implode on itself, probably by government design. Stay and you're the king. Leave and you're liable to be the 2nd or 3rd string quarterback for the Ravens in 3 years. Do you really want to move from Athens, to Detriot, to Baltimore??

Oooh, oh won't you STAYYYY...

1. Knowshon Moreno to stay the fuck away from the NFL draft, for one more year. Look hear, Knowshon. We all know you have what it takes to compete in the NFL. But do you really want to leave as a 2nd-round draft pick? Do you really want to leave without contending for a title? Without definitively being known as at least the second best running back in Georgia history? I know you already have that beautiful former Georgia gymnast girlfriend, but won't you miss the scenery?

Just, a little bit LONG-er.

See you at the crossroads (the crossroads, the crossroads)

Neither one looks right.

As has been pointed out many a time in the annals of Sue's, neither myself or OBJ are big NFL fans. Sure, we play fantasy, read and follow the daily going-ons of the league; but not with the passion or interest we hold for baseball, the NBA, and mostly, college football.

I blame this on my family never being Falcons fans. When I was a kid, my grandparents owned a small neighborhood grocery store in midtown that my dad and uncles also worked at from time to time. For over 25 years, beer vendors and other distributors peppered my family with Braves and Hawks tickets (not exactly a valuable commodity in those days). They attended hundreds of games over the years, and grew to love those teams, especially the Braves, during their lean years. To say my dad, uncles and grandfathers were captivated by the Braves' success in the 1990's would be a vast understatement.

However, for whatever reason, the swag dealers never hooked up my grandpops with Falcons tickets. No idea why. Still, he's a stubborn man, and because of this, dude has never liked the Falcons. Just doesn't care whether they win or lose. He passed this trait down to his sons, who likewise passed them down to me. I've never had much interest in watching the Falcons except during the Vick years, and Vick could have been playing for the fuckin' Lions and I would have watched him...so anyways, yeah. I've never really been a Falcons fan.

Needing a team, I adopted the Jets in the early-mid 90's for whatever reason. (Note: I think it was because I was born in New Jersey and hated the Giants at the time.) So I basically made myself a "Jets fan," got some Jets crap for Christmas, a Starter jacket when those were the shit, watched them whenever their games were televised in the ATL, and followed them like a transplanted fan. I never really felt the connection or interest-level with the Jets like I did with the Braves, Hawks or Dawgs, but they were still my favorite NFL team and I remember the devastation I felt in January of 1999 when the Jets were one shoddy VinnyT drive away from beating the Broncos in the AFC Championship, setting up a Falcons-Jets Super Bowl and the chance to annoy the shit out of everyone at school for a solid two weeks.

So yeah, the Jets are my team, I suppose. My thoughts on Brett Favre have been well documented in this space, so it was somewhat bittersweet to see the Jets presumably improve their QB play by acquiring one of my least favorite athletes. Also unfortunate was that the Favre trade meant the end of the Chad Pennington era at the Meadowlands. Pennington, whos arm strength has deteriorated in recent years, was always a solid QB, never too flashy or dominant, but much better than half the crap other teams were throwing out there. You rarely felt QB play was a huge liability to your team with Pennington back there...although admittedly that's probably because the Jets had so many liabilities elsewhere on the field during that time.

If you've been watching ESPN at all this week, you know the rest of the story. Pennington signed with the Dolphins, lost a nailbiter at home to Favre and the Jets in Week 1, presided over a steady 10-5 season while the Jets have been reeling in recent weeks. Enter this weekend's matchup for the division title in the Meadowlands. I'm not too bitter or aghast at Pennington's success vs. Favre's this season, mainly because I think both teams would have had similar results with either quarterback. Other than Favre's high INT total, which is a given, their numbers are remarkably similar.

I'll still be watching this game with a huge rooting interest in the Jets. I like Coach Mangini and think if he gets fired for taking this average-talent team to a 9-7 record in arguably the best division in football, the Jets' brass are idiots, or suffering from lil' brother syndrome in regards to their Meadowland mates.

(Aside: I'm really getting fed up with the short leash on coaches. Washington thinking of firing Jim Zorn after one season where he exceeded[!] expectations? Why not just give everyone a one-year contract and be done with it? You want to fire someone, look at Marvin Lewis yo.)

Still, as a Jets "fan," I won't be enormously devastated if they lose. Much like a real Jets booster, year after year since the Tuna has left, I have tempered expectations for this team. You tell me before the season that the Jets would have been 9-7 and playing for a playoff spot in Week 17, I'd take it. And if that does indeed happen, I'll be rooting for Chad Pennington to take advantage of the shitty hand he was dealt prior to this season and take the Dolphins deep into the playoffs. Yes, I admit my NFL rooting interests are fucked up.

BLOGASM 12.23: You NFsmelL What the Rock Is Cooking?

Gotta say, I definitely like the "Matty Ice" moniker better than my predicted "Mattycakes"

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(enter GMAIL) On Tue, Dec 23, 2008 at 10:51 AM, Obama Ben Jammin wrote:

So for the league MVP (why does baseball do one for each League, and the NFL doesn't?), I think I'm going to have to go with Michael Turner. Call me a homer, but I just think you have to validate this incredible and unlikely turnaround for the Falcons with an official league approval of individual achievement. If it ain't Matt Ryan, it should be Michael Turner. If Bill Parcells were behind this turnaround, it would be leading SportCenter every night.

Of course, Turner "Field" ain't gonna win it. It'll go to Peyton, if I had to bet a finger on it. The right ring finger, if I had to choose. Although I'd have to relearn to type.

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On Tue, Dec 23, 2008 at 3:24 PM, Joe Friday wrote:

So, after rubbing Matt Ryan's jock for the last three months, following that riduculous-from-day-one meme that "Ryan is the Falcons/NFL MVP" you want to hop onboard the Turner Train? Figures. And rightfully so. Turner is the Falcons MVP, one of the league's top candidates and has followed a career path that is currently making Darren Sproles giddy. Unfortunately, I'm going boring/consensus(ual?) on this one and taking Peyton Manning. Dude spent the first portion of the year clearly injured, demons and old age have possessed his #1 target at WR, and Dominic friggin' Rhodes is their best option out of the backfield. And still, Indy is looking at another 12-4 season like it ain't no thang. I'm a subscriber to the Shaq (99-05 version) or Tim Duncan should always win the MVP theory, and Peyton Manning is as close to that as it gets in the NFL.

Also up there? Give me Turner, Purple Jesus and let's throw Drew Brees some love. He ain't paid to tackle.

What about Coach of the Year? Before you break yourself to give it over to Mike Smith, lemme just make my case for Tony Sparano. Smith, while performing an excellent, excellent job with the Falcons, has made some dumb miscues late in games, and he wasn't exactly the guy who signed Turner, drafted Ryan or turned Roddy White's career around (thanks Petrino). That Falcons season has been a total effort from the front office down.

Sparano, meanwhile, is coaching a team that was 1-15 last year. His QB is Chad Pennington, and said Pennington was signed after training camp had started. Their running backs rank 24th and 41st overall in rushing yards. Trust me, you don't even know who his receivers are. They've won with defense, special teams and solid QB play. Props for getting the most out of a limited roster. But what really wins Sparano (NO LAME SOPRANOS JOKES PLEASE) the award is unleashing the badass Wildcat formation to the NFL. For that, you Da Main, Tony.

Who ya got as coach? Also, try and figure out some award we can give Calvin Johnson. He'd get some vote on my MVP ballot, just for the sick numbers he's posting with the Orvoloskys of the world throwing to him. It's unimaginable where Detroit would be without him. I mean, no shit they'd be 0-15, but how many TD's you think they would have scored this season? I'm thinking four.

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On Tue, Dec 23, 2008 at 4:01 PM, OBJ wrote:

Absolutely disagree it goes to Sparano. McKay and Blank are still around, and they're the ones that brought in Dimitroff - although bringing in Ryan and Turner (not to mention letting go of misfits like Hall [but why Crumpler??]) are looking like the two best moves of the past two seasons.

But the primary reason I disagree is because the Dolphins were clearly faced with a new front office leadership approach. Not only that, but Tuna has a track record of turning around teams. As soon as he gets to a new organization, their winning percentage during his first year increases by .387 %. That's insane. I'm sorry, but my vote goes to Smith.

As far as Calvin Johnson, I suppose he should receive the "One GI Joe Against All of Your Cobras Award" for being the only man standing on his team. What? You didn't play with GI Joes and have one good guy against all the rest? Fine. Come up with a better way to acknowledge C-John's diamond in the middle of a steaming pile of shit. Fantastically, I will not only continue to draft C-John, but I will expect him to be a Top 5 or Top 10 receiver for years to come. Dude's a stud.

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On Tue, Dec 23, 2008 at 3:24 PM, Joe Friday wrote:

Can't argue with a blind homer. Or maybe I've just had enough with all the NFL talk and don't want to. When's the next bowl game? Actually, doesn't matter...Hawks-Thunder tonight (wooooooo playing down to the level of your competition + Kevin Durant!), and then, tomorrow's nationally televised evisceration of everything Knute Rockne and the Gipper stood for. As Notre Dame. Travels to Hawaii. To play in a bowl game. On Christmas Eve. As 1.5pt favorites. Against Hawaii.

I'll leave y'all with this gem that just came hot off the wire from OBJ:

OBJ: YANKS GRAB TEXIERA LOLOLOL

That's the anti-Red Sox, not pro-Braves fan talking.

Live Blawg 12-22-08: Bikes, Bears and Bullspit

We got this

Coming in a little late for the MNF Live Blog with 2 minutes left in the first, two folks who wouldn't know a spigot from an intake valve attempt an unprecedented task: assembling a tricycle.

9:17 - So I care about this game because if Cha-town loses Minnie gets into the playoffs...? And the Vikings could play the Falcons? I 'spose this makes it interesting. If Mike VICK were playing.

9:19 - I like watching football in the snow. It goes together like being at a football game in autumn. Or easy girls that don't talk too much.

9:21 - Is it lame to do all of your Christmas shopping for your parents at Old Navy? I'm thinking, resounding yes. Joe Friday would disagree, primarily because he just did it.

9:22 - Trike for the Tyke '08 is on. And the directions were obviously written by the same folks over at Ikea. Fucking Swedes (emphasis added):

This Owner's Manual is made for several different bicycles (!!!). All features and components are not included on all models (wtf?!1/?!). Some of the illusrations may not look exactly like the parts of the bicycle (even fucking with my illustrations?!), but the instructions are correct (but, you just said...). If the bicycle has any parts that are not described in this manual, look for separate "Special Instructions" (awwww shit) that are supplied with the bicycle.

9:26 - One wheel allegedly affixed correctly. This could be easier than we thought.

9:27 - It took forever for Kornheiser to mention Favre. 4 minutes into the second? You off yo game, Korny.

9:28 - And I checked the score for the first time. Goose eggs. Hmm.

9:29 - Apparently Matt Flynn plays for the Pack. S-E-C! S-E-C!

9:30 - We're going to run out of Live Blawggin material pretty soon if we're not careful. Both training wheels, the seat and both tires on. Then I'm going to chat about Bears/Pack? Maybe there's an episode of Law & Order I can live blog...

9:32 - Law & Order's on in :30. We may have something here.

9:35 - [From SJF] The Bears, since their recent Super Bowl run, have clearly squandered the prime of an epic defense by continuously trotting out hog-shit offenses, specifically and most strikingly from the quarterback position year after friggin year. Is it that hard to get a mediocre-to-just-not-complete-shit-bukkake-quarterback like Schaab, Warner, Collins or Pennington? Jeezus.

9:45 - Some kinda fudgin record, ya'll

9:50 - This game is boring as dogshit. I'm beginning to regret the notion of a Monday live blog. Let's see if SJF will change it to wrestling right quick

9:52 - Sweet! We got it changed and we get to watch...Mysterio and JBL duke it out. Sometimes I realize my life sucks more than usual. Like when I get arrested by MARTA cops. Or when I'm wishing Hollywood Hogan would come back. How can I convince SJF of the merits of WWE when this is what happens to be on?? Oh, well. Perhaps if I get high...

9:58 - JBL killin this luchador and I still ain't high. "I think I got sold faulty parts, yo." Sure, buddy. Ever see PCU (the most underrated college movie of all time)? Remember that part where their trying to tap the kegs, and one of the stoners says, "I think mine's broke, dude." "Yeah, dude let's give up." This is Trike for Tyke '08.

10:01 - So is the only reason I don't get any crappy college football (note: demonstrably better than crappy NFL football) tonight because ESPN is the only entity able to absorb the cost and they have MNF?

10:07 - And Shawn Michaels saves JBL to advance to a potential #1 Contender's spot. What the fuck are you doing with Shawn Michaels, creatives? This better end with Michaels getting the title somehow.

10:08 - Checking the score of the game real quick to make sure we're not missing a game and we've got...

10:20 - And Korheiser just said, "If I were writing a column right now, all I would do is talk about the weather...and make JOKES. Like I would, say, 'Don't get out of your seat, 'cause the Governor will try to SELL it." Now really. Is that necessary? Some dick journalist makes a crack about a Coach's son in law ironically being his defensive coordinator and gets blasted, but Korny kills it all night like this?

10:28 - The plan was to take a pic with this tiny as bike that illustrates its extreme tiny-ness. One of the pedals won't fit. 'Parently JF was right.

10:29 - I'm watching two grown men in their underwear dance around with each other and grunt. Damn.

10:31 - My recommendation here is duct it. Looks like Tyke for Trike '08 exceeded expectations like the '08 Bulldogs.
-Last time, now. Finish. The fucking. Drill.

'Kain't say we didn't try

10:45 - Okay this Arby's commercial with the guy sitting on the bed waiting for the girl to come through the doorway with his birthday present is plain fucking sick. This is what we need to sell a product? And the boing-r-rang-a-rang spring up of the Arby's logo to boot? Shame Arby's. You got badass curly fries and cheese sauce. Sell that.

11:05 - Turning it back to MNF, unfortunately, we have a game. Live Blawg must go on.

Runaround Sue's 2008 NFL Season Awards
(Note: Sue's knowledge of the NFL is pronounced, albeit limited. Strictly to basically not watching multiple NFL games, but watching major highlights and talk about college football while games are playing in the background or, fantasy.)

MVP

LDT (our f&*king #1 [championship winning season] overall pick!!1). Playin. This was a teaser. See this finished tomorrow kids.