Late Blight

As reported by dozens of sources first before Sue's, Matthew Stafford will appear on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon tonight.

Wow. You're taking two of my least favorite people right now and putting them together for a 10-minute bit. I feel as if I should watch this for the sports relevancy, but 5'll get you 10 you will learn absolutely nothing from this and come away feeling about as smart as a tube of toothpaste. But then, who knows? Maybe, just MAYBE, something interesting will happen.

This can't end well. Can it?

Perhaps through some inexplicable osmotic interaction between the two of these douches, they will take on some of each other's personality traits. It wouldn't be unprecedented. I mean, it happens in the WWE all the time (see: Big Show losing to Floyd Mayweather, Jr. but somehow gaining the uber-destructive Knockout Punch, Shawn Michaels now using the Figure Four Leglock after ending Ric Flair's career, Kurt Angle lifting the Leg Lock from Ken Shamrock, et. al). Hell, Mega Man did this virtually every time he encountered someone! And let's not forget a Sue's favorite, the Highlander. Perhaps we'll get lucky and one of these twats will behead the other tonight?

Will we see some sort of symbiotic merger of personalities rivaling Mega Man proportions?

If this sort of personality switch does happen, we can only assume that Jimmy Fallon will immediately bolt from his program to join a show that pays more money but is considerably less in quality (is it possible to drop in quality from the Fallon Show?)...we'll say, Rosie comes back and he cohosts with her for a record tv contract. And Stafford? I can only assume that after each play in his could-be-short-as-hell career, he'll turn to the camera, pull of his helmet and provide the most douche-tastic smile and giggle after throwing a weak-ass interception.

Unfortunately, yes. These are the thoughts that swim through my head.

Live Blawg 12-22-08: Bikes, Bears and Bullspit

We got this

Coming in a little late for the MNF Live Blog with 2 minutes left in the first, two folks who wouldn't know a spigot from an intake valve attempt an unprecedented task: assembling a tricycle.

9:17 - So I care about this game because if Cha-town loses Minnie gets into the playoffs...? And the Vikings could play the Falcons? I 'spose this makes it interesting. If Mike VICK were playing.

9:19 - I like watching football in the snow. It goes together like being at a football game in autumn. Or easy girls that don't talk too much.

9:21 - Is it lame to do all of your Christmas shopping for your parents at Old Navy? I'm thinking, resounding yes. Joe Friday would disagree, primarily because he just did it.

9:22 - Trike for the Tyke '08 is on. And the directions were obviously written by the same folks over at Ikea. Fucking Swedes (emphasis added):

This Owner's Manual is made for several different bicycles (!!!). All features and components are not included on all models (wtf?!1/?!). Some of the illusrations may not look exactly like the parts of the bicycle (even fucking with my illustrations?!), but the instructions are correct (but, you just said...). If the bicycle has any parts that are not described in this manual, look for separate "Special Instructions" (awwww shit) that are supplied with the bicycle.

9:26 - One wheel allegedly affixed correctly. This could be easier than we thought.

9:27 - It took forever for Kornheiser to mention Favre. 4 minutes into the second? You off yo game, Korny.

9:28 - And I checked the score for the first time. Goose eggs. Hmm.

9:29 - Apparently Matt Flynn plays for the Pack. S-E-C! S-E-C!

9:30 - We're going to run out of Live Blawggin material pretty soon if we're not careful. Both training wheels, the seat and both tires on. Then I'm going to chat about Bears/Pack? Maybe there's an episode of Law & Order I can live blog...

9:32 - Law & Order's on in :30. We may have something here.

9:35 - [From SJF] The Bears, since their recent Super Bowl run, have clearly squandered the prime of an epic defense by continuously trotting out hog-shit offenses, specifically and most strikingly from the quarterback position year after friggin year. Is it that hard to get a mediocre-to-just-not-complete-shit-bukkake-quarterback like Schaab, Warner, Collins or Pennington? Jeezus.

9:45 - Some kinda fudgin record, ya'll

9:50 - This game is boring as dogshit. I'm beginning to regret the notion of a Monday live blog. Let's see if SJF will change it to wrestling right quick

9:52 - Sweet! We got it changed and we get to watch...Mysterio and JBL duke it out. Sometimes I realize my life sucks more than usual. Like when I get arrested by MARTA cops. Or when I'm wishing Hollywood Hogan would come back. How can I convince SJF of the merits of WWE when this is what happens to be on?? Oh, well. Perhaps if I get high...

9:58 - JBL killin this luchador and I still ain't high. "I think I got sold faulty parts, yo." Sure, buddy. Ever see PCU (the most underrated college movie of all time)? Remember that part where their trying to tap the kegs, and one of the stoners says, "I think mine's broke, dude." "Yeah, dude let's give up." This is Trike for Tyke '08.

10:01 - So is the only reason I don't get any crappy college football (note: demonstrably better than crappy NFL football) tonight because ESPN is the only entity able to absorb the cost and they have MNF?

10:07 - And Shawn Michaels saves JBL to advance to a potential #1 Contender's spot. What the fuck are you doing with Shawn Michaels, creatives? This better end with Michaels getting the title somehow.

10:08 - Checking the score of the game real quick to make sure we're not missing a game and we've got...

10:20 - And Korheiser just said, "If I were writing a column right now, all I would do is talk about the weather...and make JOKES. Like I would, say, 'Don't get out of your seat, 'cause the Governor will try to SELL it." Now really. Is that necessary? Some dick journalist makes a crack about a Coach's son in law ironically being his defensive coordinator and gets blasted, but Korny kills it all night like this?

10:28 - The plan was to take a pic with this tiny as bike that illustrates its extreme tiny-ness. One of the pedals won't fit. 'Parently JF was right.

10:29 - I'm watching two grown men in their underwear dance around with each other and grunt. Damn.

10:31 - My recommendation here is duct it. Looks like Tyke for Trike '08 exceeded expectations like the '08 Bulldogs.
-Last time, now. Finish. The fucking. Drill.

'Kain't say we didn't try

10:45 - Okay this Arby's commercial with the guy sitting on the bed waiting for the girl to come through the doorway with his birthday present is plain fucking sick. This is what we need to sell a product? And the boing-r-rang-a-rang spring up of the Arby's logo to boot? Shame Arby's. You got badass curly fries and cheese sauce. Sell that.

11:05 - Turning it back to MNF, unfortunately, we have a game. Live Blawg must go on.

Runaround Sue's 2008 NFL Season Awards
(Note: Sue's knowledge of the NFL is pronounced, albeit limited. Strictly to basically not watching multiple NFL games, but watching major highlights and talk about college football while games are playing in the background or, fantasy.)

MVP

LDT (our f&*king #1 [championship winning season] overall pick!!1). Playin. This was a teaser. See this finished tomorrow kids.

The Rock Bottom Line

And you wonder why they oil up.

Welcome to the first in what will no doubt be a spectacular series of quarterly posts on the state of professional wrestling, namely the WWE - like you give a shit about the Ohio Valley Wrestling.

Above image aside, I take my wrestling seriously. I, like so many other fans of wrestling who graduated high school and don't pronounce their ride "mah turrk," found professional wrestling unappealing and ridiculous at first. One show, back in 1998, and I was hooked right in (and they connected with me too because I look like them!). Sure, these guys were overblown beefcakes rubbing their massive thighs together everytime they took a step, somehow avoiding slipping on their ass from all of the oil dripping off their freakish bodies. But while, yes, the storylines hooked you in, more than anything I appreciated everything that they were doing.

Sure, you may tell me that these "matches" are nothing more than choreographed donnybrooks, to which I would reply, "Most certainly they are, sir. And my what a splendiferous vocabulary you have!" However, don't tell me it's "fake." I get so tired of everyone having this haughty attitude towards pro wrestling, summing up by saying it's artificial. This could pass as an opionion in the early 90's, when then-WWF was trying to pass as a sport. Now they concede that they are sports entertainment, and that's how they should be judged. As entertainers first, athletes second. In that regard, I'm afraid, they get too little dap. I mean, when's the last time you heard someone say, "Man those wrestlers are great actors?" You just don't hear it.

That being said, the state of wrestling is bleak right now. Never have we needed The Rock more than right friggin now. Half the people given airtime are uninteresting or just plain outrageous. You've got a guy given 15 minutes of airtime a week whose primary gimmick is that he hails from Spain, is a huge douche and sports an obviously prosthetic unibrow. Eh? Makes me miss the Blue Meanie.


But seriously folks, I found myself watching RAW the other night, wondering where X-Pac was and thinking the show could be shook up quite nicely with the re-addition of the spritely little wrestler (he's the tiny guy to the left turnbuckle/married mutant woman Chyna then quickly divorced after she mistakenly ate him). I actually missed the Bronco Buster. Something needs to be done, Vince, because while the athletes are better than ever, the storylines are more lacking than a "full bar" that somehow doesn't serve Jagermeister. I think I've watched one show in the past month, instead opting to catch up with what's going on by reading the website updates. This makes me seem lame. I cannot disagree with this point. But you know what? Pro wrestling used to be funny, entertaining and sometimes breathtaking. Now The Rock and Stone Cold are superduper stars and mega stars, respectively, in hollywood - a testament to the "acting/entertainers" point - and the best buzz you get out of Wrestling is when DX comes back for one night only. I feel like I'm watching the last dying days of a dynasty, except I know that no matter how poor these storylines are the primary demographic will continue to tune in.

Other than bringing The Rock in for an insane 6-month deal where he makes the same as he would in a movie (upwards of $20 mill), I see no quick fix here. But unless something dramatic changes soon, you guys are losing another fan. And that would be a shame, marking the beginning and end to Sue's interest in the WWE.

For those interested, Monday, November 17th Raw is coming back to Atlanta for the first time in nearly two years. This is previously WCW territory, but once 'ol Ted certifiably lost his mind, the Braves, TBS and WCW, WWE did the once unthinkable and bought the entire company. See you Monday!