The Blog Days of Summer Set to Return

Rest easy, kiddos. We've got the solution.

With the NBA playoffs winding down (read: only lasting another month), we are dangerously close to the worst time of the year for sports fans. With only baseball playing relevant games, in about a month we'll have to deal with seemingly the same sports highlights every single day. Vladimir Guerrero's injured? Set to return next Thursday? Wait. Didn't that just happen last week?

On a day that UGA Super Scrubs Tony Cole and Quincy Carter once again stole the headlines, it slowly started to dawn on me that I should preemptively begin monitoring my emotional stability. It is very possible that the wait between the NBA playoffs and the first kickoff of the College Football season will drive me to depression...or worse, drive me to start watching House.

In the interest of our readers, I propose that we tackle the overwhelming sense of emptiness we will inevitably encounter through suffering a void of compelling sports action before it happens. So, without further delay, a list of things to do while you're waiting for Alabama and Virginia Tech to get it going in the Georgia Dome.

1. Start a sports blog. It's fucking GREAT! You get to sit in your mom's basement, or wherever your comfort zone happens to be, and lay out your thoughts and feelings about whatever topic you wish, only to have other faceless Internet addicts belittle your opinions and reduce you to putting up nonsensical lists with which nobody could possibly hope to disagree. Do this NOW!

2. Devise the ultimate prank. If you can conjure up anything close to the infamous Yankee Stadium Wedding Proposal, or even the less-lauded but still impressive Maryland Halftime Shot, you are forever remembered as a god and celebrated for taking assholishness to a whole new level. Currently the best that Friday and I could come up with was creating an email account 'for' our friend's mother, only to have 'her' send disturbing emails to all of his friends about explicit sexual promiscuity and group-wide exchanging of bodily fluids. We still have a ways to go, no doubt.

3. Go to Vegas. Anybody that stays in Vegas for more than 3 days either has a death wish or has hopes and dreams of becoming a showgirl. Too bad for either parties. But with roughly 11 weekends between the end of the NBA season and the beginning of College Football, you have at least 2 separate Vegas trips in you. Worried about not being able to bet on any relevant sports while you're there? FEAR NOT. A buddy of mine put a hundred dollars on 10-1 odds in a smoke ring blowing contest, and won. If you can't get pumped about shit like this and forget the empty vacuum that is the sports landscape for a few days, it's already too late.

4. Get good at some shit. It's two and a half months. In that time, you could become an excellent swimmer. You could learn to cook like 7 stellar dishes. You could attempt to play pool sober to combat the conditioned learning you've been putting yourself through for the past 10 years. You'll never again have to ponder, "Why do I only make shots when I'M FUCKING HAMMERED?

5. Date. Sure, sure. Dating sucks. But you know what sucks even more? Being FUCKING ALONE. If you're new to this, allow me to give you some advice. You're going to go through, say, some "rough patches." This isn't to say that while you're driving down that dirt road there isn't a superhighway directly in front. You just have to focus on the road, and stop paying attention to the slutty, overweight mistake smelling like chips and salsa and going down on you in the front seat. Wait. What?

Note: Option Number 5 and Option Number One have a strong negative correlation based on success. In fact, they may quite possibly be mutually exclusive.

6. Find new and interesting ways of using the Snuggie. No, seriously. We need more of this. More of idiot assholes trying to commit robbery by concealing themselves in a Snuggie. More shortsighted teenagers (18 and up!) attempting sexual congress within the same Snuggie ultimately resulting in the amputation of a body part. Continue this trend, and we may be able to save some poor bastard from one day thinking it's cool to throw a Snuggie party, hence destroying his self-worth and the respect of his peers for the remainder of his life.

7. Try something totally new! Bungee jumping? Marathon running? Not being a total dick? It's ALL on the table! Sue's respective suggestion would be the Cincinnati Bow tie, the Birmingham Booty Call or the Rusty Trombone. EAT SHIT old tired ass experiences. New experiences RULE.

8. Go fishing. Have you ever done this before? The point of the exercise is to remain as quiet as possible and hold a stick...and wait. It is UNAVOIDABLE that you will get better at this the drunker you get. The positive correlation between getting so fucking blasted that the neural passageways that connect thought and speech in your mind don't even recognize each other anymore and having a successful fishing trip are MIND BLOWING. "Hey honey! I didn't catch a goddamn thing, but I got so drunk I got the hook stuck in my penis and had to get 30 stitches!" All in all, you've gotta call that a success.

9. Plant a tree. For all the crazies out there, the following comes strictly from Joe Friday: Plant a tree, and do your part to shut the green-loving hipster liberal douchebags the fuck up.

10. Read a book. About sports, of course.

Get to it, kids!

Late Blight

As reported by dozens of sources first before Sue's, Matthew Stafford will appear on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon tonight.

Wow. You're taking two of my least favorite people right now and putting them together for a 10-minute bit. I feel as if I should watch this for the sports relevancy, but 5'll get you 10 you will learn absolutely nothing from this and come away feeling about as smart as a tube of toothpaste. But then, who knows? Maybe, just MAYBE, something interesting will happen.

This can't end well. Can it?

Perhaps through some inexplicable osmotic interaction between the two of these douches, they will take on some of each other's personality traits. It wouldn't be unprecedented. I mean, it happens in the WWE all the time (see: Big Show losing to Floyd Mayweather, Jr. but somehow gaining the uber-destructive Knockout Punch, Shawn Michaels now using the Figure Four Leglock after ending Ric Flair's career, Kurt Angle lifting the Leg Lock from Ken Shamrock, et. al). Hell, Mega Man did this virtually every time he encountered someone! And let's not forget a Sue's favorite, the Highlander. Perhaps we'll get lucky and one of these twats will behead the other tonight?

Will we see some sort of symbiotic merger of personalities rivaling Mega Man proportions?

If this sort of personality switch does happen, we can only assume that Jimmy Fallon will immediately bolt from his program to join a show that pays more money but is considerably less in quality (is it possible to drop in quality from the Fallon Show?)...we'll say, Rosie comes back and he cohosts with her for a record tv contract. And Stafford? I can only assume that after each play in his could-be-short-as-hell career, he'll turn to the camera, pull of his helmet and provide the most douche-tastic smile and giggle after throwing a weak-ass interception.

Unfortunately, yes. These are the thoughts that swim through my head.

A Return to Normalcy

We have very few rules here of Sue's, but one of them is that never, ever, ever is it acceptable to have a picture of a shirtless Alex Rodriguez, or any male period, at the top of this site. After all, we don't want OBJ's dad's thinking his longtime suspicions/nightmares are confirmed. So with that in mind, we give you SI's Swimsuit Issue cover girl for 2009, "Bar Refaeli."


And thus begins The Countdown: T-minus one month until my stepdad, who apparantly hasn't discovered internet porn, attempts to slyly send me a copy of this year's issue in an unmarked envelope.

Personally, my choice for the cover would have been one "Brooklyn Decker"...the only model who, in ten years of my stepdad passing along these time relics, has actually prevented me from flippin' through the issue in about twenty seconds.


(h/t to YepYep, via SI i'm sure, for the pics)

Things Were Going So Swimmingly...

This is good.

No, seriously, this is good.

Olympic superstar Michael Phelps could face criminal charges as part of the fallout from a photo that surfaced showing the swimmer smoking from a marijuana pipe at a University of South Carolina house party. A spokesman for Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott, who is known for his tough stance on drugs, said Tuesday the department was investigating.

Where can I take this story? "Ooooh, a 23-year old is smoking dope (allegedly)!! He's at a party (allegedly)!! Combine his alleged poor decision with other intoxicated youngsters and you have an INCREASED LIKELIHOOD OF RISKY BEHAVIOR!!!" Nah, too easy. I've been preaching that one for...well I guess I smoked too much dope to remember when I started. But definitely some time around then.

How 'bout, "Stop picking on celebrities! They have just as much of a right to enjoy the limited freedoms we still have left as any other person! What he does in the confines of a home is..." Nope. Can't go there either. I only saw parts of Eyes Wide Shut but I'm pretty sure, through that movie alone, there are certain things rich people shouldn't be doing behind their walls.

Wait. I've got it.

Quit the backstroke NOW or I'll blow your FUCKING BRAINS OUT!!

Over-glamorized cops! YES. You see how I did that without the assistance of an editor? Found a completely ludicrous story, and actually pinpointed the one relevant aspect of its existence. Let's begin:

Sheriff Leon Lott is a highly decorated officer, which I completely respect. Graduated from the FBI National Academy, FBI National Executive Institute and Harvard University's John f. Kennedy School of Government, a board member for D.A.R.E. America, 2004's South Carolina Sheriff of the Year and a two-time winner of South Carolina Law Enforcement Officers' Association's -- Toughest (SCLEOAT?) award, I'm sure he's saved countless lives by removing crack from the streets (honesty) and putting a major bummer in the days of criminals who think they can just DANGEROUSLY SIT THERE STONED DOING NOTHING (sarcasm).

According to ESPN:

"The Richland County sheriff has long sought to fight drug crimes. He rose from patrol officer to captain of the narcotics division in the early 1990s, after the television series "Miami Vice" made its splash.

Lott played the part well. He wore stylish suits and had long hair then. He drove a Porsche seized from a drug dealer and even worked undercover with federal agents in Florida."

Well. The good news is, if I was wondering weather a police officer or public servant (read: District Attorney) was a limelight-chasing attention-grabbing narcissistic glory hound, someone who once PLAYED THE PART OF CROCKETT WELL would certainly not be on my checklist. So, we're safe with two-time SCLEAOTer Lott.

"Things I like? Oh, geez good question! How 'bout...cupcakes, only the icing! and uh, lazy Saturdays, busting drug runners, guacamole dip, having my picture taken, Lay-Z-Boys, Moolattes..."

Let's go deeper:

"The bottom line is, if he broke the law, and he did it in Richland County, he's going to be charged," Cowan said. "And there's no difference between Michael Phelps and several other people that we arrest for the same type of a charge everyday."

Let me see if I can help you out here, Captain. One difference between the alleged perpetrator Mr. Phelps and the countless other hardcore criminal bongers is that YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE FUCKING RECOGNIZED THEM IN A PHOTOGRAPH. Another difference...hm...how 'bout that he has enough money to build a middle finger big enough to see from space inscribed with "Fuck the SCLEAOTers, fuck the SCLEATers, fuck 'em" and charge $25 for everyone to see it? And hire the best lawyers and get off on probation like EVERY OTHER FUCKING 23-YEAR OLD chilling in a college town you bust(ed) with this heinous crime?

The good news?

"The Richland County sheriff can pursue charges as long as the party was in the county, the spokesman said."

I really hope that party is found to be outside the county lines, and all SCLEAOTer Leon can do is posture for a bit longer, soaking up every ray of the light like an Alaskan on the day before 40 days of night. Here's to hoping the sheriff in the county over isn't as shallow as this one.

Note: Sue's wholly believes you can reach out to celebrities like Phelps, asking them to speak at schools, etc. on what they should be doing rather than trying to pull them down. Use their celebrity status, don't try and target them because of it.

Editor's note: SCLEAOTer Leon, I want you to know that I have friends in South Carolina. I'm going to there, SCLEAOTer Leon, and I'm going to take a picture of myself toking on a righteous blunt. This picture will be sent immediately to your box. I implore all of America to do the same.

"And we're going to get the dope pushers to start pushing license plates down the conveyor belt! And we're going to get the crack peddlers to start peddling their butts out of town!! And we're gonna...wait your microphone wasn't on? Hold on...And we're going to get the dope pushers to start pu..."

Oh, and to Pat Forde, who wrote a wonderfully insightful column expressing gratitude to Phelps because it showed his kids that they should be looking up to him rather than some TV phony - two questions:

1. Do you really not have anything better to write about as an ESPN columnist? I know we're not exactly in the middle of the college football season - your specialty - but really?
2. Why are you such a tremendous douche?

Forde, do you want your kids to grow up idolizing someone with a squeaky clean perfect image? Are YOU that someone? People make mistakes. Growing up idolizing someone that has never made one will make the burden of every mistake you make that much heavier. Why don't we wait to see how Phelps deals with his momentary lapse in up-until-now-perfect-character, which is supposedly how America judges character anyway (in adversity, not the easy times), rather than jumping on him immediately.

The dude (allegedly) took a bong rip. Chill. The fuck. Out.

BLOGASM 11-5-08: Fun With News!

Bad. Ass.

Occasionally, there are so many ridiculous stories (at Fox News) in a single day that it simply must be looked at as a collective. When these stars align, we at Sue's like to spare you the trouble of finding these outrageous reports (from Fox News) and just sum them up in one neat little package for you. Today, for the sake of your time, we'll ignore the story of the parents of teenage cheerleaders suing a school for suspending their daughters over circulated nude photos, the amazing new firearm developed for the handicapped and elderly and the uproar over the new Islamic Terrorist Lego. Sure to piss off Sue's reader, we won't even delve into the Craigslist babysitter who used a 2-year old in his porn film. Also ignored will be the latest on Barry Bonds (link withheld due to lack of interest) and the unfortunate UGA student who got sodomized by a bum. Oh, and by the way, Merrill Lynch says oil will dip to below $25 per barrel next year. But what's really important follows. Enjoy!

Oh, where to begin with all of today's news-worthy stories. The terrifyingly brittle economy? The impending sharp reversal in political leadership? How's about the war in Iraq? I'm always praying and rooting for the safety of our troops (Editor's Note: To Tommy, the Munitions Specialist I met in passing on my way to Phoenix in the Atlanta airport - it blows I couldn't buy you a drink. Stupid fucking Uncle Sam not wanting you to have a buzz for your flight back to the suck. Whenever you want it, your next one's on me). Price of oil? Big Three auto companies doing their damnedest to act like common paupers?

No? Well then, bring on the appetizing story of an elderly woman half-eaten by maggots! Hooray! I don't know how I would get through another day of my life without the words,

"The first officer to arrive smelled a strong odor of feces and saw what he thought was a decomposing body lying in a puddle of body fluids on the living room floor next to a bed. The woman was motionless and appeared to be dead, police reports show."

in a successive sequence with one another. The best part? She was still alive! Now, I lived in the Galveston area for a time, and I have a Great Aunt that resides there. So this hits a little close to home, knowing that I'm no longer there to check up on her. But her two children (not the 38-year old that's lived with her his whole life and called the police...then subsequently disappeared - he's straight!) that were completely oblivious to this poor woman's condition should be jailed. I hope they have a conscience, and it causes them to cut off each other's arms (left or right, really) in a sign of sympathy pain.

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Speaking of right arms (right hand man? no?), what happened to celebrating Jesus? The J-man must be some kind of perturbed to see his birthday turned into such a bland and uneasy period of time where people no longer celebrate, too afraid of offending someone's sensibilities. Can you tell me why someone celebrating their faith is offensive in any way? Just because we recognize other religions doesn't mean we have to bow to the whims of its followers.

Personally, I would find it much more in-the-spirit and respectful to say "Merry Christmas" to someone, learn that they are Jewish, and say "Oh, my bad! Happy Hanucka!" than the generic, trite and insincere Happy Holidays. Happy Holidays?? Really? I'm going to start wishing people Happy Holidays during Easter to illustrate my point. Chocolate-faced kiddies crowding on my porch fiending for some more sugar-crack?
Kiddies: "Trick or Treat!!"
OBJ: "Oh aren't you kids just a WONDER! Look at those costumes, so SCARY! Here's some candy for you, now be safe and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!"

In the War on Christmas, I stand by Bill. O. Reilly as a soldier in defense. Note: In an effort to remain completely objective and provide fair and balanced information, I have provided a rebuke to O'Reilly's solid stance. However, this must come with a disclaimer that the author of that article is a fucking dipshit.

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Next on the list, how much does your mommy love you? Now, I read this story twice and I still can't decide if this is a heartwarming reminder of the unbreakable bond between a mother and her child, or an astonishing narrative of the current condition of white trash in America. So this married woman cases a juror's house, crafted a "chance" meeting, "...and for nearly eight months, they drank at bars, smoked marijuana and shared meals in her tiny Brooklyn hideaway."

Now, the most astonishing aspect of this story is that: "There also was flirting. But both said it never went any further." Well how much further can it go?? What, are you implying some type of sexual misconduct? Fucking please. The LAST thing I think of when I hang out with "a lonely single woman from California" - twice my age - when I'm getting drunk and stoned off my ass in her apartment is ANY sort of sexual actions whatsoever! Who are they trying to fool, here? Hopefully this crazy (but ultimately at least 50% successful, gotta give her that) bitch's husband.

Ah, maternal love.

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Alright. Plenty of heavy stories today so let's lighten (literally) things up for a moment. Question: if her name isn't in the story, can Sue's be sued for insinuating that this woman is at least 356 lbs? I mean seriously, how fucking fat do you have to be to crush a toilet seat and get stuck inside the toilet for 20 minutes? Fat enough to sit on a quarter and squeeze a booger out of George Washington's nose? Most assuredly.

Lady, let me give you some advice, free-of-fucking-charge. If you want to stop having so many hip surgeries, stop putting so much extraordinary stress on your hips and lose some fucking weight.

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And right back to apocalyptic talk! Does anyone with half a brain (read: non-Tech grads) really think the end of the world isn't coming in our lifetime (assuming your lifetime proceeds for the next 2-40 years)? And you can bet your sweet ass it'll take place in the Middle East.

"We think that regional and international developments and the complicated situation faced by Israel itself will not allow it to launch military strikes against other countries," Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman Hassan Qashqavi said, according to the Press TV Web site.

Mr. Qashqavi, you better fucking hope so.

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Some clear-cut good news? How unbelievable is THAT?? Certainly gives me hope that one day I'll find the cell phone I lost in that freezing pond one fateful Auburn-Georgia gameday while I was drunkenly fishing - directly after an all night-binger in downtown Athens - and sadly capsized my buddy's dingy. One day, cellie. We will be reunited.

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Moving on, we're lucky enough to have Fox News' resident "Sexpert" (Sue's has one of our own) tell us all about sex. Most intriguingly is this little piece of knowledge:

"15. Paid Sex = Unhappiness

A 2004 study titled “Money, Sex & Happiness” found that those who have paid for sex are much less happy than others."

You hear that, Joe Friday?? There's the proof I've been telling you for years! Now fucking STOP before it's too late!

BLOGasm 11.11.08: In Which Introspective Happens

The 2009 Playoffs: Where the Atlanta Hawks happen to stop by...again?

Sitting here reflecting on the Hawks game Sue and friends attended Friday night, witnessing the improbable four-and-0 start at the Highlight Factory, a few thoughts cross my mind. First of all, the Hawks, now 5-0, are beating Shee-KAH-Go on the road. They may or may not pull it out, which is pretty much the way I've approached every Hawks game for the past 12 years of living in this city. Tomorrow they travel to Boston in a rematch of what thus far has contributed more than anything to this bunch of young'ns' collective personality. Hell, I just saw an NBA: Where Amazing Happens commercial on the Hawks' playoff run last year. That's incredible for a decade-long Hawks fan that has seen his team in meaningful nationally televised games as often as he's gotten a body wax. Maybe even less.

Unfortunately it's not up yet. I imagine with tomorrows game coming up, it was the first time it aired. Closest thing I got is this. Sorry, folks. QUESTION, though. Can you tell me why the text "Where The Hawks Are The Biggest Jokes In The NBA Happens" happens to accompany the link in the Google search? Messed up.

The point is, despite the endless string of Doomsday-outlook posts Sgt. Friday has brought to Sue's (just click on the Hawks tag, fella), there is a real reason to be optimistic here. It's scary. You almost don't want to believe, and that's the only thing left keeping you from believing. It's kinda like falling in love but even better than bacon grease. Eerie. Everyone remember, it was me who put the Hawks at number 5 in the East. That's not looking too bad right now. I'm thinking I'm going to once again make SJF bet against his own team. More on this later.

Second, let me be the first, on November the 11th, the year of our Lord 2008, to go ahead and give this soon-to-be-unheeded advice to the Spirit Group: resign Mike Bibby. Give him 3 years. You're not going to find a more consistent and productive point that'll play with the intensity (he's titleless) and intelligence that Bibby brings. He's worth it. Period.

Third and lastly, I feel like writing a damn eulogy to that Friday night. With two of Sue's crew serving jail time that evening, I can't help but wonder: if this was a Game 7 win in the Eastern Conference Finals, would I be saying it was worth it the next day? Thinking with delusional grandeur that, hey, if it meant the win, I'll take it? Luckily I won't be faced with this ridiculous situation any time soon. Hey, Marta cops! If you happen to see us again, let me remind you in case my screaming at you that you had definitely found your man, and that I was a dangerous motherfucker, and that I was really going to hurt someone that night and good thing you picked me up, confused you at all. I'm a struggling-to-be upper middle class white guy. So are my friends. Now listen carefully: We. Mean. You. No. Harm. Or anyone else for that matter. We're not going to destroy shit. We're not going to yell and scream. We may trip and fall. We'll be okay. Please, find the people that are about to rob me to buy crack.

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Kuh'mown GAHZ. Y'KNOW y'wownt a playoff sistem!

---->Bibby back-to-back 3s, Hawks tie it up 8 mins in the fourth.

So are sports really so unprovocative right now that the WWL has to post irrelevant stories on its homepage for several days? Talk about a slight sports reference. On the WWL for that matter. What a shocker. Look I'm not going to talk about politics or who I voted for. It doesn't matter. He didn't win.

In response to Obammer's Monday Night Football game appearance where he delivered his speech on the necessity of an 8-game playoff system (okay, sure) to decide a national champion due to reasons beyond my non-executive-abled mind, including being tired of sinister factors such as "this that and the other," University of Oregon president and BCS Presidential Oversight Committee chair David Frohnmayer stated:

"My colleagues and I on the BCS Presidential Oversight Committee have discussed the future of postseason football on many occasions and we do not believe a playoff would be in the best interest of the sport..."

Well, ZING! I love that it just so happens to be the Presidential Oversight Committee (committee of school presidents that decide the fate of all our lives). That's rich.

I would understand if this were the Blog Days of Summer. But 'taint. We've got the NFL going prime right now. Basketball is getting fired up. And goddammit, some of us still have college football teams to root for (just kidding, Dawgs! Just because I missed a game in jail doesn't mean I wasn't watching my watch and pretending! I didn't give up until it was 3:30 [3 hours after kick-off]! FINISH THE FUCKING DRILL, DAWGS!). So, I know I don't have to look, but I do WWL. You make me. You have the most news and usually most up-to-date. It's why you face so much criticism. So stop putting useless information on your homepage. Please.

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Huddy and Peavy 1-2 in '10? Yes, please.

A quick note to the Braves: Hey Braves, get this guy!

Being that the Braves are one of the few teams for which he's willing to waive his no-trade clause, I'd say he wants to be in the A. 'Course as beautiful as San Diego is, I'd want to play nearly anywhere else, including BALTimore (!), other than San D. Even the football team's lookin' like shit.

Look, I love you Yunel, but if it's you or Jake Peavy, my playoff-starved ass is, I'm sure regretably, going to go with Peavy. Every time. We need an SJF opine for a consensus opinion by Sue on this one. 'Cause I'm pretty sure Yunel 'gonna be Da Main for many years to come.

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Atlanta wins 113-108. Horford career game. Huh. The fuck's going on here, Hawks. 6-0 with a chance to beat your best start in 10 years by beating the Celts. Let's do this.

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Hawks won. And Sue's 'n be werkin on the morra.

Final Thoughts on Jacksonville

Hey BLUE! See if you can guess what I want you to do here...

I'll hit 'em high hit 'em high hit 'em high...

Ah, aren't oldies great? Seriously though what is a sick beat with B. Real and Busta Busta (with LL Smooth [and Coolio and Meth]) throwing lyrics like this doing in Space Jam with MJ:

It's like inch by inch and step by step
I'm closing in on your position and destruction is my mission
Though eight is not enough, your whole squad better duck
It's like switch when I bust
Now you're whole crew is dust

Wasn't that a kid's movie? The fuck's wrong with you MJ? Doing music vids with Crazy MJ and subjecting young kids to this type of unreasonable violence? Space JAM!!! It ain't, uh too much, no no JAM!!! Nah, but I see your point. That could easily be interpreted as basketball speak to talk smack for the Monstars. Nope. No gratuitous examples of "capping" or violence there.

And yet I thankfully digress. Last weekend was so last weekend. Like so last year, actually. And I'm not 'gonna drop tears on stat sheets or express my crestfallen disappointment. A disappointment that yields only pain and remorse. A disappointment that, seriously folks, feels like I dropped a car battery on my dick.

We lost, by a lot, plain and simple. I'm not the Stat Man (bee bop bop buutop bup!!) so, again, I'm not going to delve in that direction. Some of the best not-too-reactionary thoughts I've uncovered can be found in The Rant:

"But I can't take this anymore. I miss the "Lips Jar." The jar created by Brian Van Gorder for opposing players' paper lips (or maybe even entire heads) to be placed in after a large hit. I miss the headhunters of Greg Blue and Thomas Davis. I miss the motor of David Pollack and the determination of Charles Grant. I miss the speed and tenacity of Odell Thurman."

Yeah. I miss you too Davis. Those sideline melon exploding hits were the highlights of several of my younger years. Blue, you know you're my boy. The Rant is dead on in questioning the current ability and momentum of our current defensive coaching staff. It's not our players. And while the offense seemed they wanted to give it to the Gators more than a girlfriend they hadn't seen in several months, we lost yet another game where we had more yards than a team that blew us out (398-393). K so 'Bammer got 10 more yards than us it was close.

Look, the point is bad things happen(ed) in Jacksonville. Shit. The last time I went, also Halloween on a Friday, I lost a $300 pair of sunglasses, my two favorite hats and took a dip in the fountain. With my cellie. Oh and we lost. Things get broken people. People catch infections, girls fall and scratch their knees, and you constantly lose or don't reach out to your friends (Sorry Jesse!).

But you can still have a good time. You never feel good about the loss, any loss, especially these of this kind. JEEZ-us. But what I have for you is something to contemplate. All of us take a Georgia loss seriously. Some shut down for weeks, even months for this kind of gut-buster.

The following is a list in no particular order of what could allow your Georgia/Florida weekend to be satisfying, even with a Georgia loss:

• Mind-blowing life-altering sex
• Reuniting with old friends
  
• Copious amounts of alcohol
• More sex, mixed with nasty and vodka
• Mystery pills
• Hotel-stenching grass
• More alcohol and drugs
• Enough good friends and badass smoke and alcohol to temporarily forget where you are, and what took place
• Falling in love. With a non-Gator
  
• More booze

If you had five of the above, you may have been able to forget like her

Moving forward to Kentucky, folks. I was hoping for the Capitol One bowl somewhere in the 3rd quarter. You may have seen me. I was the one with the jorts 'wearin Gator finger attached to the meth head pointing in my face for two hours. Let's get it done, and...[sigh]...finish the drill.

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Runaround Sued

The Free Marvin Harrison Foundation's proactive response to the impending law suit

Well six months later and here we are. Apparently the "alleged" victim of the April 29th shooting that may or may not have taken place with Marvin Harrison's gun, Dwight Dixon, has filed a civil suit against Harrison, claiming that he suffered "serious and permanent injuries...and a severe shock to his nerves and nervous system."

Okay, Dwight. Gotta few questions here for you buddy. Namely, what in the hell took you so long. Did you recently receive a package deal from your cable provider in the mail? And in that coupon was there an offer for internet and cable at one low, low price? And did you sign up for said low, low price and get a computer and hook it up and try to connect to the internet but dang you couldn't and called your internet service provider and stayed on hold for like ever and then got cut off and called back and repeated this like four times before you figured out that you needed a modem? And when you finally got online and went to Googleland and typed in "Marvin Harrison," seething with anger because your hand still hurt, were you like, ohmahgosh he's like, RICH! I can totally sue him!

Or are your actions more benign than that, Dwight? Perhaps you're a Colts fan? Yeah, yeah that's it. You're a Colts fan and you wanted to see how Harrison did this year before you distracted him with a lawsuit. You're a good man Dwight.

However, despite your philanthropic efforts to assist your favorite team, I have yet another question for you Dwight. Why in Zeus' dirty fuckhole are you only suing for $100,000? What the fuck dude? You could totally get more than that. Shit I just sued my sanitation company last week for $3 mill just for denting my trash can!

I mean, in the face of such brazen disregard for everyone's intelligence, I'd take this guy to the cleaners! Did you know, Dwight, that he acknowledged to police that he had been in a fight with you prior to the shooting, but insists that he had nothing to do with it??? He's not only calling you a liar, but he's calling everyone else including you an idiot! "Oh, I was in a heated argument with him right before he got shot alright. But someone else grabbed my gun and shot him, y'know what I mean?" C'mooooon Dwight! You can't let him get away with a half-assed excuse like that!

Alright I'm done lecturing you Dwight. But you're a big dumb fucking idiot. Honestly you probably don't deserve a dime for waiting so long and asking for so little.

In any case this does not seem likely to turn out well for Harrison. Under Pennsylvania law, Harrison could face misdemeanor charges if police determine his gun was used in the commission of a crime (!!!!!!111!!!1!1!!!!!). So regardless if the circumstantial evidence and multiple witnesses successfully place Harrison as the shooter, he may have life as he knows it pitifully ruined by community service. Poor Mawvin.

The Rock Bottom Line

And you wonder why they oil up.

Welcome to the first in what will no doubt be a spectacular series of quarterly posts on the state of professional wrestling, namely the WWE - like you give a shit about the Ohio Valley Wrestling.

Above image aside, I take my wrestling seriously. I, like so many other fans of wrestling who graduated high school and don't pronounce their ride "mah turrk," found professional wrestling unappealing and ridiculous at first. One show, back in 1998, and I was hooked right in (and they connected with me too because I look like them!). Sure, these guys were overblown beefcakes rubbing their massive thighs together everytime they took a step, somehow avoiding slipping on their ass from all of the oil dripping off their freakish bodies. But while, yes, the storylines hooked you in, more than anything I appreciated everything that they were doing.

Sure, you may tell me that these "matches" are nothing more than choreographed donnybrooks, to which I would reply, "Most certainly they are, sir. And my what a splendiferous vocabulary you have!" However, don't tell me it's "fake." I get so tired of everyone having this haughty attitude towards pro wrestling, summing up by saying it's artificial. This could pass as an opionion in the early 90's, when then-WWF was trying to pass as a sport. Now they concede that they are sports entertainment, and that's how they should be judged. As entertainers first, athletes second. In that regard, I'm afraid, they get too little dap. I mean, when's the last time you heard someone say, "Man those wrestlers are great actors?" You just don't hear it.

That being said, the state of wrestling is bleak right now. Never have we needed The Rock more than right friggin now. Half the people given airtime are uninteresting or just plain outrageous. You've got a guy given 15 minutes of airtime a week whose primary gimmick is that he hails from Spain, is a huge douche and sports an obviously prosthetic unibrow. Eh? Makes me miss the Blue Meanie.


But seriously folks, I found myself watching RAW the other night, wondering where X-Pac was and thinking the show could be shook up quite nicely with the re-addition of the spritely little wrestler (he's the tiny guy to the left turnbuckle/married mutant woman Chyna then quickly divorced after she mistakenly ate him). I actually missed the Bronco Buster. Something needs to be done, Vince, because while the athletes are better than ever, the storylines are more lacking than a "full bar" that somehow doesn't serve Jagermeister. I think I've watched one show in the past month, instead opting to catch up with what's going on by reading the website updates. This makes me seem lame. I cannot disagree with this point. But you know what? Pro wrestling used to be funny, entertaining and sometimes breathtaking. Now The Rock and Stone Cold are superduper stars and mega stars, respectively, in hollywood - a testament to the "acting/entertainers" point - and the best buzz you get out of Wrestling is when DX comes back for one night only. I feel like I'm watching the last dying days of a dynasty, except I know that no matter how poor these storylines are the primary demographic will continue to tune in.

Other than bringing The Rock in for an insane 6-month deal where he makes the same as he would in a movie (upwards of $20 mill), I see no quick fix here. But unless something dramatic changes soon, you guys are losing another fan. And that would be a shame, marking the beginning and end to Sue's interest in the WWE.

For those interested, Monday, November 17th Raw is coming back to Atlanta for the first time in nearly two years. This is previously WCW territory, but once 'ol Ted certifiably lost his mind, the Braves, TBS and WCW, WWE did the once unthinkable and bought the entire company. See you Monday!

Another Day at the Dentist

Man, oh man. What is better than spending an afternoon with someone poking and prodding around in your mouth with some sharp ass instruments? I just can't think of a better deal. You mean, I pay you several hundred dollars (less if you're one of the 3.4% of Americans with insurance!) so that you can make me incredibly uncomfortable, give me a free showing of the habitat that is your inner nostrils and generally leave me with nothing to do for a few hours than guess what you ate for lunch? Sign me the fuck up! Note to dentists: if you eat onions for lunch, use some fucking mouthwash.

Now, I realize that this isn't exactly about sports, but fucking shit man. I had lots of downtime for a few hours. With that mind-blowing introduction, the following is the best and worst of dentist visits.

BEST

1) Catching up on Your Sports and Celebrity Reading

"Brittney Spears is thin again? No? This is an old issue and she's actually preggo again? When did Mary Kate start fucking Richard Gere? Fuck this is from last year!" There's nothing quite like having a smörgåsbord spread of US and Sports Illustrated magazines in front of you. Granted you usually only read through about 2/3 of any article, but shit man! I read 1/3 of an article on Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson and their ability to hold onto their friendship despite competing against each other for the all-around gold medal in gymnastics! It was their dream and they talked about it ever since becoming the first two announced to the team two years ago! It was a beautiful almost-half a story! More on the gymnasts in part II of our Olympic coverage.

If you're like me you have more important things to do in the bathroom than read SI. Like, read US News and Weekly Report or your book. So it's always a splendor when you get to act like a kid in the candy store and pick out which celeb-trash rag or Super Bowl Coverage Special! issue of sports magazines will keep you busy for a while.

2) The Free Shit

Dental floss that tastes like raccoon shit? Toothpaste with a good 1.5 squeezes in it? Toothbrushes you just specifically told me not to use? $1 off coupons for Ultra Super Badass toothpaste that costs $25? Fuck. Yes. Maybe I'm too old to get a lollipop. But God damn it, when I get something for free I just feel special. I don't give a fuck what it is. I could go on a trip to the mountains and stop at the General Store and they could give me a bag of bear shit on my way out. "Free bear shit? Are you fucking kidding me? This place is fucking awesome!" So kudos to you, dental pharmaceutical companies. You make my shitty day less shittastic.

3) The Leggy Receptionist

Now, this isn't always a given. If you're going to the dentist and they don't have the Free Shit and the Huge Magazine Selection, son you in the wrong place. But if your tooth examiner is really on top of his shit, he'll also have a hot ass girl at the front desk. It's a given. I mean, if I owned a business I'd take a 38% decline in productivity for a 75% increase in aesthetically pleasing tits for the one employee where it definitely matters. I'm pretty sure any person with good business sense, including those with vaginas, would do the same.

It's very important that you always flirt with this girl like she's the hottest girl you've ever seen. Not only does it really make going to the dentist a much more positive experience, but you just don't ever know. Ya never, know.

EDIT: Point of advice, if you do flirt your ass off and somehow get the ridiculously hot receptionist from your dentist's office to go out on a date with you, be sure to check for the wedding ring. I mean, if you care about that sort of thing. But be careful. Seriously.

WORST

1) The Self-Esteem Crusher

Also known as your consultation after the hygienest has efficiently gaped and stretched your mouth out wider than a Saigon whore's ass, so that it's more sore than a Saigon whore's jaw, this is when the real fun starts. No matter how well you've brushed, no matter how many times a day you've flossed, there's always something you could be doing better. It's like a soul destroying argument with your girlfriend.

Dentist Says: "So what about flossing?"
Dentist Means: "Your gums look like a toothless homeless kid's from Baltimore."

Dentist Says: "Three times per week? That's good but you should really floss at least once per day."
Dentist Means: "You little lying fuck. You don't even deserve to sit in my comfy chair you bastard. You haven't flossed since the Wall fell, have you?"

Dentist Says (flossing your teeth): "Do you know the proper way to floss? Many people floss but never get down the right technique."
Dentist Means: "Your gums look like shit. Y'know, I'm really looking close now, and I can just be honest and say this is the worst shit I've ever seen. You're one sick fuck."

Inevitably you always leave feeling like you're not doing enough. I don't give a shit if you brush 3X daily and floss twice. There's something you can be doing better. You're using Crest? You dumbass. Use Aquafresh. It's got baking soda stabilizers. Using Aquafresh? Not good enough. Don't you care about your health? Use Sensodyne. Here's a $1 off coupon.

2) Feeling Like a Pussy

If you're lucky, you've never had a cavity in your life and the most discomfort you feel when you go to the dentist is when they poke and prod your mouth with sharp ass instruments you end up getting into an argument about at the end of the visit.

BI: You should really be careful with those things when you're poking someone's mouths.

Hygienist: Oh, why is that?

BI: Look how sharp they are! You could literally kill someone with these things!

Hygienist: Now come on. I think that's pretty impossible.

BI (taking sharpest instrument, making stabbing gesture toward throat and ear of hygienist): No really, look! If I stab you right here and pull, your whole throat opens up! Or I could just go in on the side of your ear here, see?

Hygienist (looking frighteningly towards the reception desk, slowly raising hand to take instrument): Yes, well, I've never really tried that before.

But if you have had a cavity, you know what it's like. How do they figure out if you're in pain? Put you in mild discomfort, of course. How do they find out if you're in immense pain? Put you in pain! It's fucking brilliant! I'm going to take this sharp thing here and ram it all around your teeth until you say "Ow, shit!" okay? Alright let's start.

3) The Cost

Without insurance, your poor ass better just go ahead and forget about the dentist. We're talking about a fucking G just for a filling. Several hundred for a teeth cleaning. And God save your ass if you need something a little more complex, like a crown or some shit. You're looking at about $3k. Guess what mutherfucker? You're losing a tooth 'cause you can't afford health insurance. Now your ass is homeless because your boss thinks you're unsightly to clients. Your wife's left you, your kids are going to Florida State, and you're sucking dick for a baked potato. All because you couldn't lay off the God damn snickers. Life's a bitch, ain't it?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat an apple fried in bacon grease.