A Playoff Predictions Column? Brilliant!

Since our preseason NFL picks worked out so well (Cowboys-Saints #1-2 in the NFC!), I knew that Sue's playoff picks would be in high demand. So as I close out the last hour of "work" for 2008, I bring to you some unsolicited thoughts on this year's playoffs that are probably not that different than any of the thoughts by the other 328332093270932732 people who write about the NFL on a regular basis.

1. I can't remember the last time that all four wild card teams were held in higher regard than their division-winning round one opponents. This is what you get when you decide to roll with eight divisions, giving seeding priority to those division winners. The NBA faced a similar problem a few years ago and responded by seeding the playoffs based on records, while still reserving a spot for even the shittiest of division winners. I'd like to see the NFL adopt this format. Actually, I'd really like to see the NFL revert to three divisions per conference, but as OBJ points out, sports leagues rarely revert to the past when it comes to expansion/realignment...it's all about moving forward. So just a simple re-seeding of the playoffs would be fine, just so we don't have to see things like a 12-4 Colts team having to travel halfway across the country to play an 8-8 Chargers squad.

2. I've been picking against the Falcons all season long, and it's served the local football collective well. Why stop now? The Birds are actually favored at Arizona this weekend, but I see Cardinals winning a close one, making everyone who is finally giving the Falcons their due feel like a dunce. The Cardinals run defense isn't half-bad, so if they can stuff the run at the line of scrimmage, they'll be forcing a slumping Matt Ryan to beat them. Even with a shoddy pass D, the Cards will take that matchup with a rookie QB on the road in the playoffs. Likewise, I have no faith in the Falcons secondary or one-man pass rush stopping that sick Zona passing attack either.

3. Joe Flacco and the Ravens stout defense travels to Miami in the other rookie-QB-on-the-road game, which should be a field day for both defenses. Unlike OBJ, who has the Ravens making the AFC title game at a minimum, I view this game as a toss-up. The Dolphins simply don't turn the ball over that much, and much of the Ravens offense this season has been aided by good field position created off turnovers. That said, as a Jets fan, I've watched Chad Pennington in the playoffs, and RayRay, Eddie Reed and Co. have to be licking their chops. The over-under in this game is 37.5. Thats probably 27.5 points too high.

4. I think Indy could/would win the Super Bowl. Other than maybe the Steelers, I'd even anoint them the favorite. But going to San Diego to play a hot Chargers team that always plays them close is the worst possible matchup in Round One for them. By the way, how appropriate was it that LaDanian Tomlinson waited until Week 17 to have his fantasy breakout game, after every league championship had been decided? That, combined with his groin injury and question of if he would be ready for this weekend's game, were easily the locks of the year, at least until the inevitable fracases outside of Philips Arena after the Weezy show tonight have the ATL Spirit brass on the phone Monday at 9am offering Panic a blank check to come back and play next New Year's Eve.

5. I will not be watching the Vikings-Eagles game. Pretty interesting though how the Vikes opened up at 1-point favorites and now, 2 days later, Philly is favored by 3. Everyone's been overrating the Iggles all year long; so again, why stop now? Also, props to Brad Childress for naming Gus Ferotte the starter "for the remainder of the season" only to bench him for an equally inept Tavaris Jackson during the stretch run for the playoffs. That should work out well.

6. Beyond Round 1 in the NFC, the Giants and Carolina look like locks to re-create their epic Week 16 showdown in the NFC title game. I'm taking Carolina in the NFC, for reasons that will probably make no sense on the eve of the NFC title game. OBJ is taking the Giants, because well, it's the easy way out. Personally, I just think he wants to see 80 Archie Manning interviews when his predicted Giants-Colts Super Bowl (aka Manningasm) plays out.

7. As for the AFC, I know the Titans are getting no love; because much like with the Giants beat-up receiving corps, you can't overlook the injuries to their defensive line. Kerry Collins has also looked ineffective of late, and other than Flacco, is probably the worst QB standing in the AFC. As long as they can continue to run the ball, I do think they will make the AFC title game and possibly the Super Bowl; but as I stated earlier, I believe the Colts and the Steelers are the best two teams in the NFL, and you'll see the winner of that matchup (be it in the Divisional Round of the AFC Championship) hoisiting the Lombardi Trophy in early February (move it back to January, Rog).

OBJ AFC: Colts over Ravens
OBJ NFC: Giants over Panthers
OBJ SB: Colts over Giants

Joe Friday AFC: Colts over Titans
Joe Friday NFC: Panthers over Giants
Joe Friday SB: Colts over Panthers

Yeah, I probably should've told you up above that you could've skipped that wack-ass analysis and just peeped the predictions right there, but that's about as fun as listening to someone bitch about if they just hadn't benched A.J. Bryant in Week 14 they would have won their fantasy league. We'll be back next week to completely revamp our predictions and hopefully delete this post without anyone noticing. Until then, Happy 2009 and be safe.

Bawlin' Cawlin' 12-30

Two Cawlin's in two days! Hey, this basketball picking thing can be kinda fun! With both competitors neck and neck out the gate, it's time to reveal our official Runaround Sue's 2008-09 Bawlin' Cawlin' Pot:

It's there, you just have to look for it! Like positive signs in the Braves' offseason!

On the table: $500 and an overpriced meal + drinks at the Chop House (former stomping grounds of {sniff} Andruw's Brew Crew) during the first compelling Braves match-up of the season. Quite a bit on the table, so I hope all of you Sue's fans are rooting me. Because I'm the good guy. And SJF is a complete asshole.

Now, most of you will probably not find this very surprising, but apparently Joe Johnson is kinda good. Since joining the Hawks, JJ has reached career highs in nearly every statistical category, including FG, FG%, Age, FT%, AST, STL and PTS. The only major category he hasn't eclipsed is his insane 2004-05 3-point shooting performance (.478%). All this is to say that starting me off on the right foot may have earned the Hawks my go-to team to choose for Cawlin' purposes. On to today's picks!

Record
OBJ: 1-0
Joe Friday: 1-0

So ridiculously exciting, isn't it?

Today's Picks
OBJ: Hawks (+2.5) over Pacers - I'm riding these Hawks until I'm 6 feet under laying next to Jeff Francoeur's career (zing!)!!11!! C'mon, BABY HAWKS!

Joe Friday: Sacto (-3) over LAC

Shotcallin': Bawlin' Cawlin' NBA Edition

After sitting around and, essentially, doing nothing and waiting for the solution to not having any college football to present itself, we here at Runaround Sue's have given up. It's time to move forward without the possibility of our favorite teams and nemeses lining up each week. To help pass the time, Joe Friday and I will be doing weekly, twice-weekly, perhaps even biweekly Shotcallin' Special NBA Editions, aptly dubbed Bawlin' Cawlin' and currently rearing back to knock your ass over with our weekly, twice-weekly or perhaps even biweekly predictions.

I know. No, seriously, I know. And you're welcome.

A good luck charm...

Week One Picks

SJF: Detroit (+3) over Orlando

OBJ: Atlanta (-5) over Denver

I would just like to state, for the record, that I have never before even looked at basketball lines, and seeing 200+ point spreads is quite disorienting. I kinda feel like I'm trying to do a trick off a diving board while strapped to a wheel chair, but...I guess...Atlanta to cover 5...is a good way...to...start? C'mon Baby Hawks!

Even with Carmelo playing out of his mind, I don't think the Nuggets can prevent the Hawks, if playing at their full capacity, from beating Denver by 5.

As it stands, by the end of the season we will add up our "Cawls," so to speak, with a pot of anywhere between $150-500. This heavily depends on both the expected and unexpected legal fees Sue's will have to endure in the months to come.

Sue's Christmas List: 2008

Mirroring the desires of an entire nation, the following is what we here at Sue's really want the world's Christmas magic allocated to...

Note: Wishes were placed in order of desire and/or feasibility

Santa's little helper just got a little bigger...

10. Brett Favre announces his retirement. Nobody listens nor cares. After walking out of the Jets press room, heading out of the building and crossing the street, he immediately turns around, walks back towards the building and gets hit by a bus. Nobody stops nor cares. Listen. I don't wish any ill will upon anyone. But good God am I sick of Brett Favre. And I've only heard his name like 30 times in the past week. That's a huge drop-off from the average. As a matter of fact, I actually like aging superstars that don't have a snowcone's chance in hell of ever maintaining whatever semblance of actual (not to mention blown-out-of-proportion-by-fans) skill he/she may have had. Bring it on, Bonds! Just try it out in a shoot around, Mike! Keep swinging 'till you drop, Evander! But damnit. If you can't do it without annoying the entire nation - including a fan base that once worshipped you - then just go away.

Nobody {sniff} cares about me {sniff, sniff} anymore.

9. After seeing what the Yankees have been doing (and knowing what the Red Sox do), the Jays, deciding to do so before they cannot reciprocate any value from him, trade Roy Halladay. To the Braves. Look is this really that impossible? If I were the Blue Jays I would totally do this. Okay that's a complete fucking lie, but still. Would the Braves be a contender with this addition? No. Would they be more entertaining to watch? If you enjoy defensive pitching match-ups, then Yes. Every 4-5 days. But Dawc Halladay is the best pitcher in baseball right now, according to multiple sources of data compiled here at Sue's. Including 4 seasons worth of fantasy. I would try to see the Braves every time Dawc was on the mound. Hey, Blue Jays! Dawc's contract is up, soon! Don't you want some crappy prospects in exchange?

You need a change of scenery, yo

8. The return of The Rock for a solid year to the WWE. This may be the only way we can get SJF to be entertained by wrestling, folks. Also only thing that could allow Sue's to have interesting content about wrestling, or get me watching in earnest again. Otherwise, we may be looking at the total absence of wrestling at Sue's come '09.

Or you could play a gay folks singing wannabe actor opposite Travolta...

7. A Georgia win in the Capitol One Bowl. Your favorite team in one of the best bowls outside of a BCS bowl game and you only list this at #7? What gives, Sue's? Several reasons that this wish is ranked so low - lower than, say, even Florida winning their bowl game. For one, after the insane expectations of the preseason, this anticlimactic game would only marginally serve our broken spirits better if we win. At this point, I really don't think Dawg fans will weep too much for our season with a 9-4, rather than a 10-3. Then there's the irrational hope that a loss will compel our superstars to return for another season, not wanting to leave behind a legacy of mediocrity that could so easily be overcome by a new class of recruits one day. Hopefully, these boys want to be legends. But, more than anything, it's one game. The Hawks still have the rest of the season, and SEC Snobbery can go well into the '09 season with another dismantling in the BCS title game. The placement is accurate, I assure you.

Could this really be our lasting impression?

6. Another blowout in the BCS National Championship by an SEC team. 3rd in a row and fourth in six years dating back to LSU's 2003 Championship? Yes, please. Actually, I'm more concerned about Florida losing than I am about them not winning. If they win, you will hear about a week's worth of "And once again the SEC proves why there's so much talk about them being such a far superior conference, and why there are so many SEC Snobs." If they lose, you'll hear a month's worth of "The SEC was having a down year, and Florida got into this game on the merits of predetermined ideas about the conference. Perhaps USC should've been in the game?" In any case, any even that allows for SEC Snobbery to reach new heights receives Sue's stamp of approval.

5. The Atlanta Hawks to find a better bench. Perhaps the best starting five from several different standpoints, but that bench will not take you very far, if anywhere, come playoffs time (Note: DAP to the Baby Hawks for even having me speak about the playoffs as a foregone conclusion in December)

This, could be, an improvement.

4. The Atlanta Hawks to find a way to play up-tempo offense without sacrificing their much-improved D. You've got the athleticism, Hawks. Use it.

3. A drunken New Year's encounter with Miss SEC Poon USA. OBJ has a girlfriend and is very, very happy with her. However, there is no doubt that when confronted with the overwhelming slickness of the combined macking might of Runaround Sue's, Jammin's stellar wingman play and Friday's "Joe Cool" approach in the pocket would win poor Lane's heart quicker than spit drying on a Phoenix pavement in August.

Not sure where you're looking,
but you should be keeping one of those beautiful blues on Sue's.

2. Mathew Stafford to stay the fuck away from the NFL draft, for one more year. Matt, buddy, TRUST me, you don't want to play in Detriot. The city's about to implode on itself, probably by government design. Stay and you're the king. Leave and you're liable to be the 2nd or 3rd string quarterback for the Ravens in 3 years. Do you really want to move from Athens, to Detriot, to Baltimore??

Oooh, oh won't you STAYYYY...

1. Knowshon Moreno to stay the fuck away from the NFL draft, for one more year. Look hear, Knowshon. We all know you have what it takes to compete in the NFL. But do you really want to leave as a 2nd-round draft pick? Do you really want to leave without contending for a title? Without definitively being known as at least the second best running back in Georgia history? I know you already have that beautiful former Georgia gymnast girlfriend, but won't you miss the scenery?

Just, a little bit LONG-er.

See you at the crossroads (the crossroads, the crossroads)

Neither one looks right.

As has been pointed out many a time in the annals of Sue's, neither myself or OBJ are big NFL fans. Sure, we play fantasy, read and follow the daily going-ons of the league; but not with the passion or interest we hold for baseball, the NBA, and mostly, college football.

I blame this on my family never being Falcons fans. When I was a kid, my grandparents owned a small neighborhood grocery store in midtown that my dad and uncles also worked at from time to time. For over 25 years, beer vendors and other distributors peppered my family with Braves and Hawks tickets (not exactly a valuable commodity in those days). They attended hundreds of games over the years, and grew to love those teams, especially the Braves, during their lean years. To say my dad, uncles and grandfathers were captivated by the Braves' success in the 1990's would be a vast understatement.

However, for whatever reason, the swag dealers never hooked up my grandpops with Falcons tickets. No idea why. Still, he's a stubborn man, and because of this, dude has never liked the Falcons. Just doesn't care whether they win or lose. He passed this trait down to his sons, who likewise passed them down to me. I've never had much interest in watching the Falcons except during the Vick years, and Vick could have been playing for the fuckin' Lions and I would have watched him...so anyways, yeah. I've never really been a Falcons fan.

Needing a team, I adopted the Jets in the early-mid 90's for whatever reason. (Note: I think it was because I was born in New Jersey and hated the Giants at the time.) So I basically made myself a "Jets fan," got some Jets crap for Christmas, a Starter jacket when those were the shit, watched them whenever their games were televised in the ATL, and followed them like a transplanted fan. I never really felt the connection or interest-level with the Jets like I did with the Braves, Hawks or Dawgs, but they were still my favorite NFL team and I remember the devastation I felt in January of 1999 when the Jets were one shoddy VinnyT drive away from beating the Broncos in the AFC Championship, setting up a Falcons-Jets Super Bowl and the chance to annoy the shit out of everyone at school for a solid two weeks.

So yeah, the Jets are my team, I suppose. My thoughts on Brett Favre have been well documented in this space, so it was somewhat bittersweet to see the Jets presumably improve their QB play by acquiring one of my least favorite athletes. Also unfortunate was that the Favre trade meant the end of the Chad Pennington era at the Meadowlands. Pennington, whos arm strength has deteriorated in recent years, was always a solid QB, never too flashy or dominant, but much better than half the crap other teams were throwing out there. You rarely felt QB play was a huge liability to your team with Pennington back there...although admittedly that's probably because the Jets had so many liabilities elsewhere on the field during that time.

If you've been watching ESPN at all this week, you know the rest of the story. Pennington signed with the Dolphins, lost a nailbiter at home to Favre and the Jets in Week 1, presided over a steady 10-5 season while the Jets have been reeling in recent weeks. Enter this weekend's matchup for the division title in the Meadowlands. I'm not too bitter or aghast at Pennington's success vs. Favre's this season, mainly because I think both teams would have had similar results with either quarterback. Other than Favre's high INT total, which is a given, their numbers are remarkably similar.

I'll still be watching this game with a huge rooting interest in the Jets. I like Coach Mangini and think if he gets fired for taking this average-talent team to a 9-7 record in arguably the best division in football, the Jets' brass are idiots, or suffering from lil' brother syndrome in regards to their Meadowland mates.

(Aside: I'm really getting fed up with the short leash on coaches. Washington thinking of firing Jim Zorn after one season where he exceeded[!] expectations? Why not just give everyone a one-year contract and be done with it? You want to fire someone, look at Marvin Lewis yo.)

Still, as a Jets "fan," I won't be enormously devastated if they lose. Much like a real Jets booster, year after year since the Tuna has left, I have tempered expectations for this team. You tell me before the season that the Jets would have been 9-7 and playing for a playoff spot in Week 17, I'd take it. And if that does indeed happen, I'll be rooting for Chad Pennington to take advantage of the shitty hand he was dealt prior to this season and take the Dolphins deep into the playoffs. Yes, I admit my NFL rooting interests are fucked up.

BLOGASM 12.23: You NFsmelL What the Rock Is Cooking?

Gotta say, I definitely like the "Matty Ice" moniker better than my predicted "Mattycakes"

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(enter GMAIL) On Tue, Dec 23, 2008 at 10:51 AM, Obama Ben Jammin wrote:

So for the league MVP (why does baseball do one for each League, and the NFL doesn't?), I think I'm going to have to go with Michael Turner. Call me a homer, but I just think you have to validate this incredible and unlikely turnaround for the Falcons with an official league approval of individual achievement. If it ain't Matt Ryan, it should be Michael Turner. If Bill Parcells were behind this turnaround, it would be leading SportCenter every night.

Of course, Turner "Field" ain't gonna win it. It'll go to Peyton, if I had to bet a finger on it. The right ring finger, if I had to choose. Although I'd have to relearn to type.

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On Tue, Dec 23, 2008 at 3:24 PM, Joe Friday wrote:

So, after rubbing Matt Ryan's jock for the last three months, following that riduculous-from-day-one meme that "Ryan is the Falcons/NFL MVP" you want to hop onboard the Turner Train? Figures. And rightfully so. Turner is the Falcons MVP, one of the league's top candidates and has followed a career path that is currently making Darren Sproles giddy. Unfortunately, I'm going boring/consensus(ual?) on this one and taking Peyton Manning. Dude spent the first portion of the year clearly injured, demons and old age have possessed his #1 target at WR, and Dominic friggin' Rhodes is their best option out of the backfield. And still, Indy is looking at another 12-4 season like it ain't no thang. I'm a subscriber to the Shaq (99-05 version) or Tim Duncan should always win the MVP theory, and Peyton Manning is as close to that as it gets in the NFL.

Also up there? Give me Turner, Purple Jesus and let's throw Drew Brees some love. He ain't paid to tackle.

What about Coach of the Year? Before you break yourself to give it over to Mike Smith, lemme just make my case for Tony Sparano. Smith, while performing an excellent, excellent job with the Falcons, has made some dumb miscues late in games, and he wasn't exactly the guy who signed Turner, drafted Ryan or turned Roddy White's career around (thanks Petrino). That Falcons season has been a total effort from the front office down.

Sparano, meanwhile, is coaching a team that was 1-15 last year. His QB is Chad Pennington, and said Pennington was signed after training camp had started. Their running backs rank 24th and 41st overall in rushing yards. Trust me, you don't even know who his receivers are. They've won with defense, special teams and solid QB play. Props for getting the most out of a limited roster. But what really wins Sparano (NO LAME SOPRANOS JOKES PLEASE) the award is unleashing the badass Wildcat formation to the NFL. For that, you Da Main, Tony.

Who ya got as coach? Also, try and figure out some award we can give Calvin Johnson. He'd get some vote on my MVP ballot, just for the sick numbers he's posting with the Orvoloskys of the world throwing to him. It's unimaginable where Detroit would be without him. I mean, no shit they'd be 0-15, but how many TD's you think they would have scored this season? I'm thinking four.

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On Tue, Dec 23, 2008 at 4:01 PM, OBJ wrote:

Absolutely disagree it goes to Sparano. McKay and Blank are still around, and they're the ones that brought in Dimitroff - although bringing in Ryan and Turner (not to mention letting go of misfits like Hall [but why Crumpler??]) are looking like the two best moves of the past two seasons.

But the primary reason I disagree is because the Dolphins were clearly faced with a new front office leadership approach. Not only that, but Tuna has a track record of turning around teams. As soon as he gets to a new organization, their winning percentage during his first year increases by .387 %. That's insane. I'm sorry, but my vote goes to Smith.

As far as Calvin Johnson, I suppose he should receive the "One GI Joe Against All of Your Cobras Award" for being the only man standing on his team. What? You didn't play with GI Joes and have one good guy against all the rest? Fine. Come up with a better way to acknowledge C-John's diamond in the middle of a steaming pile of shit. Fantastically, I will not only continue to draft C-John, but I will expect him to be a Top 5 or Top 10 receiver for years to come. Dude's a stud.

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On Tue, Dec 23, 2008 at 3:24 PM, Joe Friday wrote:

Can't argue with a blind homer. Or maybe I've just had enough with all the NFL talk and don't want to. When's the next bowl game? Actually, doesn't matter...Hawks-Thunder tonight (wooooooo playing down to the level of your competition + Kevin Durant!), and then, tomorrow's nationally televised evisceration of everything Knute Rockne and the Gipper stood for. As Notre Dame. Travels to Hawaii. To play in a bowl game. On Christmas Eve. As 1.5pt favorites. Against Hawaii.

I'll leave y'all with this gem that just came hot off the wire from OBJ:

OBJ: YANKS GRAB TEXIERA LOLOLOL

That's the anti-Red Sox, not pro-Braves fan talking.

Live Blawg 12-22-08: Bikes, Bears and Bullspit

We got this

Coming in a little late for the MNF Live Blog with 2 minutes left in the first, two folks who wouldn't know a spigot from an intake valve attempt an unprecedented task: assembling a tricycle.

9:17 - So I care about this game because if Cha-town loses Minnie gets into the playoffs...? And the Vikings could play the Falcons? I 'spose this makes it interesting. If Mike VICK were playing.

9:19 - I like watching football in the snow. It goes together like being at a football game in autumn. Or easy girls that don't talk too much.

9:21 - Is it lame to do all of your Christmas shopping for your parents at Old Navy? I'm thinking, resounding yes. Joe Friday would disagree, primarily because he just did it.

9:22 - Trike for the Tyke '08 is on. And the directions were obviously written by the same folks over at Ikea. Fucking Swedes (emphasis added):

This Owner's Manual is made for several different bicycles (!!!). All features and components are not included on all models (wtf?!1/?!). Some of the illusrations may not look exactly like the parts of the bicycle (even fucking with my illustrations?!), but the instructions are correct (but, you just said...). If the bicycle has any parts that are not described in this manual, look for separate "Special Instructions" (awwww shit) that are supplied with the bicycle.

9:26 - One wheel allegedly affixed correctly. This could be easier than we thought.

9:27 - It took forever for Kornheiser to mention Favre. 4 minutes into the second? You off yo game, Korny.

9:28 - And I checked the score for the first time. Goose eggs. Hmm.

9:29 - Apparently Matt Flynn plays for the Pack. S-E-C! S-E-C!

9:30 - We're going to run out of Live Blawggin material pretty soon if we're not careful. Both training wheels, the seat and both tires on. Then I'm going to chat about Bears/Pack? Maybe there's an episode of Law & Order I can live blog...

9:32 - Law & Order's on in :30. We may have something here.

9:35 - [From SJF] The Bears, since their recent Super Bowl run, have clearly squandered the prime of an epic defense by continuously trotting out hog-shit offenses, specifically and most strikingly from the quarterback position year after friggin year. Is it that hard to get a mediocre-to-just-not-complete-shit-bukkake-quarterback like Schaab, Warner, Collins or Pennington? Jeezus.

9:45 - Some kinda fudgin record, ya'll

9:50 - This game is boring as dogshit. I'm beginning to regret the notion of a Monday live blog. Let's see if SJF will change it to wrestling right quick

9:52 - Sweet! We got it changed and we get to watch...Mysterio and JBL duke it out. Sometimes I realize my life sucks more than usual. Like when I get arrested by MARTA cops. Or when I'm wishing Hollywood Hogan would come back. How can I convince SJF of the merits of WWE when this is what happens to be on?? Oh, well. Perhaps if I get high...

9:58 - JBL killin this luchador and I still ain't high. "I think I got sold faulty parts, yo." Sure, buddy. Ever see PCU (the most underrated college movie of all time)? Remember that part where their trying to tap the kegs, and one of the stoners says, "I think mine's broke, dude." "Yeah, dude let's give up." This is Trike for Tyke '08.

10:01 - So is the only reason I don't get any crappy college football (note: demonstrably better than crappy NFL football) tonight because ESPN is the only entity able to absorb the cost and they have MNF?

10:07 - And Shawn Michaels saves JBL to advance to a potential #1 Contender's spot. What the fuck are you doing with Shawn Michaels, creatives? This better end with Michaels getting the title somehow.

10:08 - Checking the score of the game real quick to make sure we're not missing a game and we've got...

10:20 - And Korheiser just said, "If I were writing a column right now, all I would do is talk about the weather...and make JOKES. Like I would, say, 'Don't get out of your seat, 'cause the Governor will try to SELL it." Now really. Is that necessary? Some dick journalist makes a crack about a Coach's son in law ironically being his defensive coordinator and gets blasted, but Korny kills it all night like this?

10:28 - The plan was to take a pic with this tiny as bike that illustrates its extreme tiny-ness. One of the pedals won't fit. 'Parently JF was right.

10:29 - I'm watching two grown men in their underwear dance around with each other and grunt. Damn.

10:31 - My recommendation here is duct it. Looks like Tyke for Trike '08 exceeded expectations like the '08 Bulldogs.
-Last time, now. Finish. The fucking. Drill.

'Kain't say we didn't try

10:45 - Okay this Arby's commercial with the guy sitting on the bed waiting for the girl to come through the doorway with his birthday present is plain fucking sick. This is what we need to sell a product? And the boing-r-rang-a-rang spring up of the Arby's logo to boot? Shame Arby's. You got badass curly fries and cheese sauce. Sell that.

11:05 - Turning it back to MNF, unfortunately, we have a game. Live Blawg must go on.

Runaround Sue's 2008 NFL Season Awards
(Note: Sue's knowledge of the NFL is pronounced, albeit limited. Strictly to basically not watching multiple NFL games, but watching major highlights and talk about college football while games are playing in the background or, fantasy.)

MVP

LDT (our f&*king #1 [championship winning season] overall pick!!1). Playin. This was a teaser. See this finished tomorrow kids.

BLOGASM 12.20.08

I usually loathe to write "X-team should do this, this and this and all their problems will be solved!" posts. For one, it's shoddy analysis by a guy who doesn't know jack shit about how professional sports transactions truly work. For two, such "analysis" can become outdated in a matter of minutes or seconds. Such was the case with Wednesday's post about the Braves, as soon as Rafael Furcal's agent decided to break an unwritten rule in a sport where unwritten rules run the show.

As for John Schurholtz and Frank Wren's subsequent outrage and promise to cut off all negotiations with Arn Tellem's Wasserman Group of agents, I understand their frustration. It's easy to point the finger at Wren, who has had a rough go of it in his first full offseason as Braves' GM, and certainly has some egg on his face as the Braves head into the 2009 calendar year with Javier Vazquez as their #1 starter and no new bats in the lineup.

However, by all accounts (both agents and GM's), this was indeed some shady dealings completely on the side of Kinzer and Furcal. It seems that once the Dodgers matched the Braves offer financially and agreed to allow Furcal to stay at shortstop, rather than moving to second like the Braves had suggested, they completely changed course. Tellem initially put all the onus on Kinzer, according to the AJC on Wednesday, but since then has publicly stated that everything was handled legally and he hopes the Braves' embargo on dealing with his clients will not hold.

The Braves don't have much of a choice at this point. Scott Boras, who Schurholtz/Wren have been extremely hesitant to deal with in the past, and The Wasserman Group are two of the biggest agencies out there for top-notch MLB talent. While I admire their principles, it's not completely realistic or intelligent to simply shut out acquiring certain players because their agent is a douchebag.

I'm sure the anti-Tellem-client thing will stick for this offseason, and that's fine. But, damn, where do the Braves go from here? Paul Maholm, Zack Greinke, Rick Ankiel, etc.? Those are the names being thrown around? The inability to land Furcal likely made acquiring Jake Peavy harder, so that even looks like less of an option at this point. The likelihood of the Braves grabbing roster-changing talent appears dubious at best at this point; and that doesn't bode well for a team that won 72 games last year.

-------------------

I went to the Hawks game against the Celtics on Wednesday, which in blog years was six months ago, so I can co-sign on everything that has been mentioned at numerous better Hawks blogs. The crowd was indeed awesome, the officiating in the third quarter was inexplicable, since when did Paul fucking Pierce start getting the Kobe-MJ treatment, it just felt like Joe was going to miss that free throw, etc. etc. etc.

One thing I have noticed while watching and reading the fine blogs above is how the same issues about this year's Hawks keep popping up over and over, with seemingly no end in sight. Flip Murray takes too many shots, Acie Law/Solomon Jones need more PT, everyone loves Josh Smith but please for the love of God stop settling for so many damned jumpers, give Horford more touches down low, we need to stop the Joe Johnson vs. the world crunch time mentality, and so forth. I'm not exactly breaking Watergate wide open when I declare that damn near all of these issues, with the exception of maybe Smith's, can be fixed with coaching adjustments, of which I haven't seen any this season. Not a good sign.

Of all the issues above, the one that bothers me the most is the refusal to give Acie Law any run whatsoever. I understand that winning this season is the highest priority. However, Mike Bibby is a free agent after this season and unlikely to be re-signed, and it's not as if there are any better options at backup PG on the roster. I don't see any reason why Flip Murray should ever be bringing the ball up and running the offense. I believe Law can equal Flip's offensive output (or at least be more efficient on the offensive end) and would be a better distributor. Play him. Just, as CoCo points out, not at the same time as Flip.

Still, the Hawks are proving they can play with the best in the L and are now 17-10 following impressive wins against the Warriors and Pistons (held off writing this paragraph until the 'Stons game ended for jinxing purposes). That's currently good for 4th in the East...very few teams in the NBA have a more complete starting five than the Hawks, and those guys are carrying the team right now.

-------------------------

"(Joe Cox) got a bunch of skill and with guys around him he can get them the ball. He's a really accurate passer. I think he could run this offense just fine."

“(Whatever team has the first pick) won’t affect me,” Stafford said Tuesday. “You can’t control where you’re going to get picked or what team is going to take you, so you’ve just got to do the best you can do and see what happens.”

Just go pro, man. Nobody would blame you, we're talkin' bout like $40 mil here. But quit acting like you don't have a clue what you're doing.

(Worthless/Useless) Question for Georgia fans. You have a choice to have Stafford OR Moreno back next year. Just one. Who ya got?

I'm going with Knowshon. As Stafford so eloquently points out, Joe Cox will have plenty of talent around him and has been in the program for four years. We've seen him win a game for us. And I'm not sure I'm prepared for the idea of Caleb King, Richard Samuel and a bunch of green freshmen getting all the carries, though I should probably warm up to the idea fairly quickly.

In Which, While Writing, I Realize Just How Flawed a Team the Braves Are

Hire this man!

Let's just forget for a second that Rafael Furcal's agent is playing the usual squeeze-every-last-fucking-penny game that agents like to pull, and that Furcal will indeed be brought back to the town in which he broke into The Show. What does this mean for the Braves? Glad you asked:

1. Well, it means for the first time since Furcal left following the 2005 season, the Braves have a true leadoff hitter. Despite the Braves aversion to speed and stolen bases, this is a good thing.

2. It means the Braves were able to sign one of the few remaining free agents in their price range, even if it is likely that the ultimate deciding factor was the ability to play for Bobby Cox again (seriously, have you ever seen so many former players express their affinity for a former team the way ex-Braves do for Cox? It's unreal). This is also a good thing, even if I lament the fact that a decade ago, it would have been 'us' bidding for the Texieras, Adam Dunns and Sabathias on the market.

3. Most importantly, it gives the Braves much needed flexibility and leverage in trade negotiations. Let's break this one down further:

• My preference, all along, has been to grab Jake Peavy from the Padres. I find the notion that we shouldn't trade Yunel Escobar and three 2nd-tier prospects for one of the game's Top 5 pitchers asinine. If the 1990's and last few years have taught us anything, it is that aces are needed to win in the postseason. With Peavy, the Braves have an ace. Without him, they don't. This would have been true also even if they had signed AJ Burnett.

• Another way to look at it, if this rumored Peavy deal goes through. Last week, it looked like the Braves Opening Day shortstop and 1-2 SP were going to be Escobar, Burnett and Javier Vazquez, respectively. Now it could be Furcal, Peavy, and Vazquez. That is a major upgrade.
  

• Let's say for whatever reason, the Padres asking price for Peavy is deemed too high by Frank Wren and Co. Fair enough. At this point, the Braves have the option of protecting their bad-back investment by moving Furcal to 2nd Base, where the wear-and-tear on his back wouldn't be nearly as stressful. Escobar stays at short, and Kelly Johnson moves to left field (more on that in a second). You then have the ability to use the money allocated to Burnett/Peavy on a couple of free agent starters (Oliver Perez, Brad Penny, etc) or even a trade for one (Paul Maholm, Zack Greinke), and hopefully a decent bat.
  

In all honesty, that second option is weak as hell. A starting pitching staff of Vazquez-Perez-Maholm-Jurrjens-Glavine and their ilk is some 75-80 win caliber shit. I like all those guys, but if you think you're competing in the NL East with that crew, you living in a (weak ass) fantasy world, man. Also that doesn't help the problem that is you have just made Kelly freakin' Johnson your left fielder when corner OF power was a major need heading into the offseason; and, you still don't have a right handed bat to put in between Chipper and McCann in the lineup.

(It's at this point in the article I realize the Braves probably have too many holes to fill and the 2009 season will end without October baseball, but damnit if I'm not going to keep blabbering...)

Since this is all conjecture at this point, I'd just like to tap into my inner Wren for a second and outline my plan/hopes for the remainder of the offseason, assuming this Furcal deal goes through.

1. Trade Yunel and the necessary prospects for Peavy. Hopefully, with the Braves' newfound leverage, they can hold onto some of the prospects they were worried about losing in round one of negotiations (Charlie Morton!?).

Result: This move solidifies your infield of Chipper-Furcal-Johnson-Kotchman-McCann and likely your SP rotation of Peavy-Vazquez-Jurrjens-Glavine/crappy free agent-JoJo/Morton in the five spot as we anxiously await Tommy Hanson's arrival in June or July.

2. Sign what I assume will be bargain-basement options at left and center field. If there is money for a Pat Burrell-type bat, I would love to see him batting cleanup behind Chipper and in front of McCann. But seeing as how I'm not overseeing the books, and I've already wasted enough of my employer's money on this soon-to-be useless article, I can't say with certainty that this is possible. Sign a Burrell type, and under this scenario I'd expect this Braves team to contend for a playoff birth...sign someone off the Podsednik, Griffey, Kotsay, Diaz discount rack, and all we can do is hope for a shot at October.

Apologies all around for the scattered nature of this post, but trying to find a way to plug all the Braves holes in a timely and coherent manner is proving extremely difficult. I have a sudden urge to give Frank Wren the benefit of the doubt from here on out.

Get Peavy.

Because There's Not Enough Blogs Slamming Auburn Right Now...

Abuurn's head coach search committee

Doc Saturday pretty much covers every aspect of reaction to Auburn's perplexing hiring of Gene Chizik as head coach. So I don't have much to add there other than the fact my favorite reaction is Al Del Greco's "no comment" when asked to expound upon the hiring of Chizik, as if some sort of crime had been committed. Clearly, he's not the only one on the Plains that feels that way.

I just don't understand how a president and athletic director can be so shortsighted and idiotic as to allow the following scenario to play out:

(Note: I can absolutely see how egomaniacal dumbass boosters could be so shortsighted and idiotic as to allow this to happen.)

1. You have a solid, well respected coach that made some mistakes in recent years. Your in-state rival has a significantly better season than you for the first time in a decade. Worst case scenario, your program is possibly on the decline. Changes need to be made, most likely with assistants.

2. You decide you need to fire your head coach. Of all the coaches likely to be available, the best option is a master of the offense (that worked with your fired OC) that just failed miserably for you this season. No other strong or obvious candidates seem available.

3. You decide to move forward with the firing anyway, interviewing former Auburn assistants whose best credentials come as coordinators under the coach you just fired. You also attempt to interview every mid-major coach under the sun.

4. Rather than hire a coach who has had success on a smaller stage, you hire a coach that just completed one of the worst seasons in Big 12 history while facing a schedule that could best be described as "easy as shit."

I mean...that is just lunacy defined. Auburn obviously should never have fired Tuberville, but what's done is done. The way I see it they had two legitimate options:

1. Give Butch Davis a blank check, bringing one of the nation's best coaches and master recruiters to Auburn. Overpay for his ass...kind of EXACTLY LIKE ALABAMA DID FOR SABAN TWO YEARS AGO! Remember when Saban said he was staying with the Dolphins and Rich Rodriguez turned down the Tide job? The Alabama situation looked equally as hopeless, and the best remaining candidate was...Mike Leach (irony alert). Bama's brass realized they couldn't go down that road and NEEDED to land an elite coach. They then did everything in their power to bring Saban to Tuscaloosa, and look where they are now.

2. Take a flyer on Turner Gill, whose credentials certainly beat the hell out of anything on Chizik's resume. A young, successful, black coach that was a member of one of the greatest teams of all-time in the early 80's Nebraska (that parents of recruits could certainly remember and relate to) would have been a solid hire as well, and at the very least would have signified a change in direction from the Tuberville area and business-as-usual mentality down on the Plains. Unfortunately, some of your boosters are apparently racist assholes, as Chuck Oliver mentioned on 680 The Fan this morning; and the Gill option was shot down due in part to the racial component. Unbelievable.

Expectations are so low right now that if Chizik can at least go to a bowl game his first couple of years, it would be a pleasant surprise. And he may not be as bad as some are predicting. But regardless of how he does, everyone involved in this joke of a process, from the University administrators to the Athletic Department to the boosters should be absolutely ashamed and embarrassed with how this situation played out.

Lazy Journalism...

get buck in here

...is what the AP is guilty of in this article. Specifically this:

The Hawks are trying to build their fan support after making the playoffs last season for the first time in nine years. Despite taking eventual NBA champion Boston to a deciding seventh game in the first round of the postseason, Atlanta seemingly has yet to convince many fickle fans that the Hawks are as much worth the price of admission as seeing a superstar such as James.

Bullshit. I was there. Were more people in attendance to see James than the other six games I have been to this season? Yeah, probably...but so what? You think the Bulls, Wizards, Magic, Pacers, etc. etc. don't draw bigger crowds when LeBron comes to town? Of course they do. Hell, even for elite teams like the Lakers, Pistons, Spurs and soforth, the ticket gets a lil harder to grab when King James is in the building. This isn't an Atlanta thing.

Sitting in section 214, I was right behind a bevy of journalists "covering" the game on their laptops in the media row located between the 100s and 200s. One of those "journalists" was on Facebook for, no joke, half the fucking game. I'm fully convinced that was the AP writer that penned that junk.

The crowd was at least 80-20 in support of the Hawks. This wasn't Jordan coming to Atlanta in the mid-90s. The Hawks have folks excited and there was legitimate enthusiasm from the crowd as the game hung in the balance in the 4th quarter. I admit, I was wowed by watching LeBron, shouted "UUUUUUNNNNNNNNNGHHHHHHH" at his thunderous dunk, and thouroughly enjoyed watching him slice through the Hawks defense like a hot knife through butter. He's a great player. Great players awe you. There's no shame in that and wanting to watch them in person. Don't blame the Hawks fans for not showing up in droves and pumped out of their mind to watch one of our 17 games against the Bobcats this year.

Leaving Philips Arena, the crowd was chanting "A-T-L! A-T-L!," folks were commenting on Woodson's curious non-use of Acie Law and yelling "HOW BOUT THEM MOTHERFUCKIN' HAWKS!!!"...ok that last one was me, but whatever, it elicited an energized cheer. The Hawks have fans; and, they were there last night to cheer on their team, not LeBron's. To fall back on the "weak Atlanta fans" meme is lazy journalism, and whoever wrote that crap should be ashamed. Hopefully, though, he was able to catch all his friends most recent status updates and uploaded pictures on Facebook.

I'm excited as hell for Wednesday's game, and I will be there. I won't be at Monday's Bobcats game, but will be listening on the radio. Sue me.

One Man's Heisman Ballot, Which Contains the Same Players as Everyone Else's Heisman Ballot

The intro is in the title.

5. Nobody. Graham Harrell? Excellent stats...same as every other TexTech QB this decade. Shonn Green, Knowshon Moreno, Javon Ringer? Fine years all around, but none elite. Michael Oher, Eric Berry, Andre Smith, Ray Maualuga? All of you have an argument when the criteria is "nation's best player. period." ...but if Orlando Pace couldn't win it in '97, it ain't ever gonna happen for a non-skill position player. This is a four-way race from these seats.

4. Michael Crabtree - I made my case for him last month, hours before him and Texas Tech willingly bent over in Norman. While I still believe he is the main reason Texas Tech has made The Leap this season, dude has only one 100 yard receiving game in Tech's last seven contests. I don't know if that makes his overall stats (93 catches, 1135 yards) more or less impressive. Either way he's definitely first place for the "Calvin Johnson - Man, I'd really like to see what he could do on another team" award.

3. Colt McCoy - Remember those weak Heisman years when Eric Crouch or Jason White took home the trophy? Well in a year like that, McCoy and his patently absurd 77.6 completion percentage would be sitting atop NYC with the bronze. This year, however, you will have to settle for being the best 3rd or 4th place finisher since the aforementioned O-Pace.

2. Sam Bradford - Needing a way to interject my disappointment with this Georgia season into every post I write, I can't help but think that Bradford's 48 touchdowns, 6 interceptions, numerous big plays and pinpoint accuracy was exactly what Georgia fans had in mind when Matt Stafford signed with the Dawgs. Alas, Stafford seems destined to, while having a fine career, leaving Georgia fans wanting more. Bradford on the other hand, presides over arguably the most prolific offense of all time and keeps it humming like a well-tuned machine. Dems the breaks.

1. Tim Tebow - Lundquist and Danielson brainwashed me. Stats-wise, he can't hold a candle to the Big 12 QBs or even himself last season. But the way he was able to integrate the RBs into the offense, running the option so smoothly and giving Florida an extra dimension they lacked last year, while still never turning the ball over (2 INTs!) was remarkable. This led to Florida's offensive explosion that was on par with Oklahoma's, only against better defenses. He was absolutely the difference-maker in the SEC title game, as if that hasn't been said enough. Last year I thought it was bullshit he won (McFadden was, by far and away, the nation's best). This year, he deserves it.

(Insert caveat on how award shouldn't be voted on until after the postseason, using example of Jason White shitting the bed in the 2003 title game three weeks after winning a Heisman that should have gone to Larry Fitzgerald.)

Sobered Up - Week 15

***Foreword from OBJ:

Unfortunately, Jon Bon, sometimes we must.

Unless you're a Florida fan, this is a fairly depressing weekend in the world of sports. Now, primarily that's because the greatest sport there is, College Football, is winding down to a pitiful close. Perhaps if last year's season wasn't so epic, perhaps if Notre Dame sucking it up wasn't the best thing going for my season, perhaps if Georgia wasn't preseason-ranked #1 and going to a sure-to-be hungover as shit New Year's bowl - losing in embarrassing fashion in all three games where they failed to become the victor (sorry, but I think a supposed stud like Reshad Jones 1/2 tackling, 1/2 queefing Roddy Jones and allowing the game-securing touchdown was not only embarrassing, I think it was a perfect microcosm of the Dawgs' season), perhaps if there was another SEC team going to the Championship game for me to root for instead of the Gators, again, I don't know...maybe this season wouldn't seem like such an overwhelming disappointment. At least I get to look forward to another Notre Dame coach-shopping spree next year.

The most disconcerting element of the end of the season, of course, is the last full version of Sobered Up 2008. As noted below, it is very comforting to know that we have more fans than the ACC. Surely, you can look forward to the inevitable Elation/Crestfallen post when Knowshon and Stafford decide the fate of the 2009 Bulldogs in a month. Certainly a Bowlgasm or two, followed by whatever College Football talk we can conjure without the aid of an actual season in progress. Recruiting. The draft. [Sigh.]

While you will undoubtedly miss Sobered Up like the blanket that you carried around for 12 years as a child and now must leave behind, I assure you that we will miss you more. Be strong, my friends. Sobered Up will return, bigger and better than ever. See you then.***

You're probably looking at a short edition of Sobered Up, seeing as how there is very little to complain about/overanalyze regarding Georgia this week. Two weeks after Thanksgiving, and I am thankful for THAT.

Karma was a bitch for Ball State. After passing on the chance to play at Bosie State in the Humanitarian Bowl (and generate some legitimate interest in an otherwise lackluster bowl game for both teams), they go out and get stomped by Buffalo 45-24, leading to a chain of events where it appears Turner Gill is a front-runner for the Auburn job. The job Gill has done at Buffalo is absolutely impressive, but with only three years of head coaching experience in the MAC and a career best record of 8-5, I'm skeptical if he's ready for the life as an SEC coach. Espicially since the conference has lost it's damned mind.

That SEC championship game lived up to it's considerable hype, the Big 12 championship played out according to plan, and now we are looking at a BCS Championship where an over/under of 120 is a distinct possibility. I'm so ready for this game and cannot express in words how much I loathe the 40+ day break that assures at least one of these squads will be rusty as hell.

Pour one out for Alabama. Needing JP Wilson to air it out and win a game from behind was exactly the situation they successfully avoided all season, as well as the worst case scenario with the SEC title on the line. Still though, great season and bright future ahead for those guys, as they lose only 8 seniors (albeit some very important ones) after this season.

Whose fans are more disappointed with how their season played out, Georgia or Missouri? I have to go with Georgia here simply because I thought all this "Missouri National Title Contender" talk was insane to begin with. However, to an objective eye, perhaps the Georgia hype was equally ludicrous.

Not that they need motivation in the friggin BCS Championship, but I get the feeling all the Florida/SEC love and "SHOULD OKLAHOMA EVEN BE THERE" talk over the next month will play right into a convenient "NOBODY BELIEVED IN US" wheelhouse that seem to be all the rage for championship teams lately.

Annual shot of the ACC Championship's attendance woes, courtesy of Doc Saturday. That game really needs to be moved on-campus, or at the very least, to Charlotte. FSU/Miami fans will travel moreso than most of the teams in that conference (this assumes Clemson continues their in-conference mediocrity), but not so much that they will have to stop the buy-one-get-one-free promos.

Fans of Sues are unimpressed. And outnumber the attendance...

If Cincinatti is going to want to be taken seriously as a BCS program, needing a 4th quarter comeback to overcome a two TD deficit against an average Hawaii team is not the way to do it, time zone bitching notwithstanding.

And finally, congrats to the Wannestache, who lives to coach another year after leading Pitt to a solid 9-3 record and contention for the Big East crown, for whatever that's worth. For some reason, that program and coach just complete each other.

Now, the Sue's 10 and Mumme Poll extras:

1. Florida - This was inevitable, and they probably should have been here the last three weeks.

2. Texas - I get the arguments for Oklahoma, I appreciate the statistics, and I am not outraged that they are playing for the national title. That said, I simply place head-to-head matchups on a higher pedistal when comparing seemingly evenly matched teams. Texas' one "L" was a one-point loss on a crazy play to a Top 10 team on the road. Other than that, they haven't been much less impressive at all than Oklahoma. Ergo, if Sue's had a vote, Texas would be our #2.

3. Oklahoma

4. Alabammer

5. USC - I'd like to put Penn State here, but truth be told I'm expecting another USC Rose Bowl Romp.

6. Penn State - The Big 10 should really amend it's rule that all regular season games be done by Thanksgiving. Not only does it make its best teams wait 50+ days for a bowl, but these teams can totally fall off the consciousness of fans and voters. Note the tepid support for Penn State sneaking into the BCS picture compared to USC.

7. Texas Tech

8. Utah - Why is the Sugar Bowl becoming the de-facto "mid-major plays elite SEC team" bowl? How did this happen? Please tell me it has something to do with rotations and this won't be the case forever.

9. Ohio State

10. Oklahoma State

Mumme Extras: Sorry Cinci, you lose your spot for that piss poor performance on the islands. GaTech can hold their spot, and let's throw the ACC a bone (finally!) and give VaTech some love here as well.

S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C!

"She made brussel sprouts last night. They were surprisingly tender."

You're getting a sporadic liveblog of today's SEC Championship for no reason other than to get yesterday's abortion of a post off the top of this here page.

4:53pm- Alabama is leading 10-7 thanks to a great after-the-catch run from Julio Jones to set up a Glen Coffee teedee. I seriously can't remember the last time Florida was losing during a game. It might be possible Georgia lead them 3-0 or something, but I have effectively blocked that weekend and game out of my mind.

4:56- It ain't exactly time for Bammer fans to exhale yet, but JPW looks remarkably efficient thus far...3-4 for 79 yards, a tough run under pressure for a first down, and throwing the ball away when he needs to. Basically he's playing like he did against Georgia.

5:00- I was surprised how congenial my drunken conversations were last nite with Alabama and Florida fans, though I got to admit I am a bit perplexed with the looks of pity they gave me upon learning I was a Georgia fan. It was the same sympathetic look I would give someone who said they were a diehard Mississippi State fan. Luckily we were all able to bond over how great the SEC is.

5:03- Bama brings in a second string kicker...to run a fake field goal? What the hell? That was straight out the Les Miles playbook...if Miles had a retarted younger brother. Not sure what Saban was thinking there

5:05- In those ads for upcoming guests on Letterman/Leno, is the footage of "this week's guests" from old episodes? I've always wondered that but just assumed...

5:09- Tebow completes a long bomb to Riley Cooper to get inside Alabama's 10. The difference in breakaway speed between Percy Harvin and Florida's other receivers is quite noticible. Kinda like the difference between Pizza Hut, Papa Johns and fuckin' Dominos, whos pizza is really just dry bread, stale marinara and the occasional sploch of cheese. Their pizzas always have those enormous air bubbles that offer no flavor or enhance the pizza enjoyment process. Anyone who willingly orders a pie from Dominos is insane.

5:15- Florida ties it up at 10 with a field goal. Is it just me or does Florida go to Tebow juuuuuust a little too much near the goal line? I mean, I get that it works alot, but everyone...the other team, fans, coaches, announcers know its coming. Against good defenses, like Bama's, it's not nearly as effective it seems.

5:16- Saban and Meyer are both friends with Bill Belichick. No shit. Personality must be oozing from the room when those three get together.

5:21- Mmmmm...first post-hangover bong rip.

5:27- After Tebow gets stuffed twice inside the 10, he connects with David Nelson for a TD as a Bama safety just stands there. That was fun. We might hit the over by halftime.

5:29- Kinda pissed I didn't bet on UCLA to cover the 33.5. USC is definitely due for an underwhelming performance against a crappy Pac-10 team. It's been over two months.

5:36- Looks like Florida will head into halftime with a 17-10 lead. They're hitting JPW alot now and are containing their rushing attack as well....momentum is on their side right now....great. I'm so sick of seeing these fuckers win. Rammer Jammer (or whatever that is) for the next 30 minutes.

5:40- Oh sweet, its the Dr. Pepper championship day games. Two girls are throwing footballs into giant cans of Dr. Pepper with holes. One of the announcers comments "it's not necessary to try and throw a spiral since they're only 5-10 yards out." Umm, methinks that won't be a problem, yo.

5:43- By the way, last night's Hawks game made me extremely wary of this impending Dallas-SanAntonio-Houston trip. When the 3s ain't falling, that team has a tendency to look like an overmatched college team that just sits around chucking 3s for 40 minutes. Drew from Zaza's Playground points out that when the 3s aren't falling, dishing it inside to Big Al (or Smith if he feels like venturing down there on O) is a solid option. Beats the hell out of just isolating Joe and letting him do his thing (I swear last night I thought this was happening again). But whatever, I'm going to enjoy the hell out of this 12-6 record. It's fun to "read" the NBA Standings once again.

6:03- DAMN. What a weird interview with Saban before the second half. Dude seems livid/confused/frustrated regarding that fake kick debacle. Apparantly their kicker was poked in the eye and unable to kick. Makes sense...that call wasn't Saban-esque at all.

6:13- I will be very, very pleased if Georgia's offensive line resembles Alabama's in 2-3 years.

6:15- awwww, Wilson just overthrew Julio Jones in the endzone after having enough time in the backfield to make a sandwich and drink a beer. Burn that clock, Bama. Keep that Gators offense on the sideline.

6:20- With Jones and Glen Coffee visibly tired and on 2nd and 10, Meyer has to burn a timeout. Tough break for the Gators.

6:22- Two plays later, Bama punches it in. That O-Line just put on a clinic during this drive.

6:30- Florida can't capitalize on quick work by Tebow and Co. as Jonathan Phillips misses a field goal. I agree with Urban Meyer: I don't like field goals.

6:38- I was about to type that UF's defense looks ragged and tired, then they promptly knock Wilson down and force him to throw it away on third down. Field goal style.

6:42- A better live blog.

6:45- Ugh....just saw a bunch of groupshots of fat/drunk Florida and Bama fans. I think I'll stay away from Buckhead/Midtown tonight.

6:52- Florida inside Alabama's 5. Tebow time.

6:53- After one stuff on Tebow, Florida runs an option pitch to Jeff Demps for the easy TD. I ain't gonna lie...when executed perfectly, there ain't a more exciting play out there. Other than the David Greene special.

7:00- BLUE!

And once you begin delving into the YouTube portion of a liveblog, you know you got nothing left. I'm going to go watch the end of this SECgasm. Thank you for your time.

Shotcallin' - Championship Week

First, peep OBJ's attempt to re-create the front page of foxnews.com.

Now, I'm scrambling to finish up work so I can make it to a Hawks-Knicks game on time and hurl insults at New Yawkers that look like Turtle from Entourage, wearing jersies of progressively shittier players, as they walk around Philips Arena like it's a damn home game.

Think about it, if anyone has bought a Knicks jersey since the Isiah Thomas era started, it invaribly had the name of an overpriced, underachieving baller on the back. Marbury, Stevie Franchise, Penny Hardaway, JRose, Jefferies, Curry, Crawford....blegh.

Anyways the result of my haste to bolt out the door and move forward with said trash talk is a short Shotcallin' that is all over the place and offers very little in terms of reasoning, so in an effort to make it look more organized and lucid, let's do this in memo mode. Bring on the bulletpoints.

• BREAKING NEWS: If this is true, the best pitcher of my generation has retired. Suck it, Clemens. I'm not even being a homer when I say that, other than maybe Pedro circa 99-03, nobody could replicate the precision of Maddux in the mid-1990's. It was not uncommon to wake up, read the box score, see that he went 7-plus innings, giving up two runs, and think that he had a bit of an offnight. He was that good. Nobody studied hitters' tendencies better, and he rarely made the same mistake on a batter twice. His prime consisted of 20-win seasons, multiple Cy Youngs, Gold Gloves falling out his ass, ERAs in the low 2s and multiple complete game shutouts. His prime did not consist of absurdly random statistical anomalies in his late 30's. That counts for something. I hope Mad Dog is the first guy to ever be named on 100% of HOF ballots. Also Ron Gant is on the ballot this year (no link, just google news 'Ron Gant' - trust me, there's nothing else out there)...so that will be fun.
  

• Anyone comparing Charlie Weis/Tyrone Willingham needs to shut up. Weis was given that crazy extension because Notre Dame feared NFL teams coming after him and felt the need to lock him up after a hot start. Needless to say, there wasn't ever a fear that Tyrone Willingham would jet for any other job. Also, to say Willingham was wrongfully fired is a bit of a stretch...and I am of the belief that any and every coach should be given five years minimum to win...because Ty Willingham is not a good coach. Period.
  

• Go to any SEC blog, read Tony Barnhart, listen to talk radio stations outside the great state of Bammer to catch Sue's opinion on the Tuberville firing. Incredibly stupid and shortsighted. They will not hire a better coach than Tubs, not because they can't money wise, but because THERE ARE NONE AVAILABLE. Though I would absolutley love to see Mike Leach and Bobby Lowder fight to the death. Enjoy your DuBoses, Shulas and Franchiones, Auburn...

• SEC (aka National) Championship: Gun to my head, I'm going with Florida....nobody has slowed their offense all year, and as good as Bama's offense is, I can see them having a bad game. Can't say the same with Tebow and company. That said, unlike some folks, Bama winning this game wouldn't surprise me in the least. If JPW can exploit Florida's weaknesses up front the way he did Georgia's, and Bama's line can dominate Florida's as I expect them to, we could be looking at a high scoring game. Either way, I expect a close game and a combined zero smiles or even smirks from Meyer or Saban until the end of the game. Those two guys will look the entire game like their skulls are made of pure titanium. I know that makes no sense, but jeezus those guys stare at players and refs like a mobster staring down a testifying witness in court or something. Best two coaches in the SEC, bar none.
  

God, that was an awful post.

This Week's Picks:

Alabama (+10) over Florida - $20

Bama/Florida (OVER 54.5) - $15

Virginia Tech (PK) over Boston College - $10

OBJ's Inferior Picks:

Pitt (+2.5) over UCONN - $10

Missouri (+16.5) over Oklahoma - $10


Last Week: 3-3

2008 Inferior Picks: 5-8-1

2008 Overall Record: 53-52-3

2008 Pot: $150

BLOGASM 11-5-08: Fun With News!

Bad. Ass.

Occasionally, there are so many ridiculous stories (at Fox News) in a single day that it simply must be looked at as a collective. When these stars align, we at Sue's like to spare you the trouble of finding these outrageous reports (from Fox News) and just sum them up in one neat little package for you. Today, for the sake of your time, we'll ignore the story of the parents of teenage cheerleaders suing a school for suspending their daughters over circulated nude photos, the amazing new firearm developed for the handicapped and elderly and the uproar over the new Islamic Terrorist Lego. Sure to piss off Sue's reader, we won't even delve into the Craigslist babysitter who used a 2-year old in his porn film. Also ignored will be the latest on Barry Bonds (link withheld due to lack of interest) and the unfortunate UGA student who got sodomized by a bum. Oh, and by the way, Merrill Lynch says oil will dip to below $25 per barrel next year. But what's really important follows. Enjoy!

Oh, where to begin with all of today's news-worthy stories. The terrifyingly brittle economy? The impending sharp reversal in political leadership? How's about the war in Iraq? I'm always praying and rooting for the safety of our troops (Editor's Note: To Tommy, the Munitions Specialist I met in passing on my way to Phoenix in the Atlanta airport - it blows I couldn't buy you a drink. Stupid fucking Uncle Sam not wanting you to have a buzz for your flight back to the suck. Whenever you want it, your next one's on me). Price of oil? Big Three auto companies doing their damnedest to act like common paupers?

No? Well then, bring on the appetizing story of an elderly woman half-eaten by maggots! Hooray! I don't know how I would get through another day of my life without the words,

"The first officer to arrive smelled a strong odor of feces and saw what he thought was a decomposing body lying in a puddle of body fluids on the living room floor next to a bed. The woman was motionless and appeared to be dead, police reports show."

in a successive sequence with one another. The best part? She was still alive! Now, I lived in the Galveston area for a time, and I have a Great Aunt that resides there. So this hits a little close to home, knowing that I'm no longer there to check up on her. But her two children (not the 38-year old that's lived with her his whole life and called the police...then subsequently disappeared - he's straight!) that were completely oblivious to this poor woman's condition should be jailed. I hope they have a conscience, and it causes them to cut off each other's arms (left or right, really) in a sign of sympathy pain.

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Speaking of right arms (right hand man? no?), what happened to celebrating Jesus? The J-man must be some kind of perturbed to see his birthday turned into such a bland and uneasy period of time where people no longer celebrate, too afraid of offending someone's sensibilities. Can you tell me why someone celebrating their faith is offensive in any way? Just because we recognize other religions doesn't mean we have to bow to the whims of its followers.

Personally, I would find it much more in-the-spirit and respectful to say "Merry Christmas" to someone, learn that they are Jewish, and say "Oh, my bad! Happy Hanucka!" than the generic, trite and insincere Happy Holidays. Happy Holidays?? Really? I'm going to start wishing people Happy Holidays during Easter to illustrate my point. Chocolate-faced kiddies crowding on my porch fiending for some more sugar-crack?
Kiddies: "Trick or Treat!!"
OBJ: "Oh aren't you kids just a WONDER! Look at those costumes, so SCARY! Here's some candy for you, now be safe and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!"

In the War on Christmas, I stand by Bill. O. Reilly as a soldier in defense. Note: In an effort to remain completely objective and provide fair and balanced information, I have provided a rebuke to O'Reilly's solid stance. However, this must come with a disclaimer that the author of that article is a fucking dipshit.

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Next on the list, how much does your mommy love you? Now, I read this story twice and I still can't decide if this is a heartwarming reminder of the unbreakable bond between a mother and her child, or an astonishing narrative of the current condition of white trash in America. So this married woman cases a juror's house, crafted a "chance" meeting, "...and for nearly eight months, they drank at bars, smoked marijuana and shared meals in her tiny Brooklyn hideaway."

Now, the most astonishing aspect of this story is that: "There also was flirting. But both said it never went any further." Well how much further can it go?? What, are you implying some type of sexual misconduct? Fucking please. The LAST thing I think of when I hang out with "a lonely single woman from California" - twice my age - when I'm getting drunk and stoned off my ass in her apartment is ANY sort of sexual actions whatsoever! Who are they trying to fool, here? Hopefully this crazy (but ultimately at least 50% successful, gotta give her that) bitch's husband.

Ah, maternal love.

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Alright. Plenty of heavy stories today so let's lighten (literally) things up for a moment. Question: if her name isn't in the story, can Sue's be sued for insinuating that this woman is at least 356 lbs? I mean seriously, how fucking fat do you have to be to crush a toilet seat and get stuck inside the toilet for 20 minutes? Fat enough to sit on a quarter and squeeze a booger out of George Washington's nose? Most assuredly.

Lady, let me give you some advice, free-of-fucking-charge. If you want to stop having so many hip surgeries, stop putting so much extraordinary stress on your hips and lose some fucking weight.

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And right back to apocalyptic talk! Does anyone with half a brain (read: non-Tech grads) really think the end of the world isn't coming in our lifetime (assuming your lifetime proceeds for the next 2-40 years)? And you can bet your sweet ass it'll take place in the Middle East.

"We think that regional and international developments and the complicated situation faced by Israel itself will not allow it to launch military strikes against other countries," Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman Hassan Qashqavi said, according to the Press TV Web site.

Mr. Qashqavi, you better fucking hope so.

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Some clear-cut good news? How unbelievable is THAT?? Certainly gives me hope that one day I'll find the cell phone I lost in that freezing pond one fateful Auburn-Georgia gameday while I was drunkenly fishing - directly after an all night-binger in downtown Athens - and sadly capsized my buddy's dingy. One day, cellie. We will be reunited.

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Moving on, we're lucky enough to have Fox News' resident "Sexpert" (Sue's has one of our own) tell us all about sex. Most intriguingly is this little piece of knowledge:

"15. Paid Sex = Unhappiness

A 2004 study titled “Money, Sex & Happiness” found that those who have paid for sex are much less happy than others."

You hear that, Joe Friday?? There's the proof I've been telling you for years! Now fucking STOP before it's too late!