BLOGASM 11-5-08: Fun With News!

Bad. Ass.

Occasionally, there are so many ridiculous stories (at Fox News) in a single day that it simply must be looked at as a collective. When these stars align, we at Sue's like to spare you the trouble of finding these outrageous reports (from Fox News) and just sum them up in one neat little package for you. Today, for the sake of your time, we'll ignore the story of the parents of teenage cheerleaders suing a school for suspending their daughters over circulated nude photos, the amazing new firearm developed for the handicapped and elderly and the uproar over the new Islamic Terrorist Lego. Sure to piss off Sue's reader, we won't even delve into the Craigslist babysitter who used a 2-year old in his porn film. Also ignored will be the latest on Barry Bonds (link withheld due to lack of interest) and the unfortunate UGA student who got sodomized by a bum. Oh, and by the way, Merrill Lynch says oil will dip to below $25 per barrel next year. But what's really important follows. Enjoy!

Oh, where to begin with all of today's news-worthy stories. The terrifyingly brittle economy? The impending sharp reversal in political leadership? How's about the war in Iraq? I'm always praying and rooting for the safety of our troops (Editor's Note: To Tommy, the Munitions Specialist I met in passing on my way to Phoenix in the Atlanta airport - it blows I couldn't buy you a drink. Stupid fucking Uncle Sam not wanting you to have a buzz for your flight back to the suck. Whenever you want it, your next one's on me). Price of oil? Big Three auto companies doing their damnedest to act like common paupers?

No? Well then, bring on the appetizing story of an elderly woman half-eaten by maggots! Hooray! I don't know how I would get through another day of my life without the words,

"The first officer to arrive smelled a strong odor of feces and saw what he thought was a decomposing body lying in a puddle of body fluids on the living room floor next to a bed. The woman was motionless and appeared to be dead, police reports show."

in a successive sequence with one another. The best part? She was still alive! Now, I lived in the Galveston area for a time, and I have a Great Aunt that resides there. So this hits a little close to home, knowing that I'm no longer there to check up on her. But her two children (not the 38-year old that's lived with her his whole life and called the police...then subsequently disappeared - he's straight!) that were completely oblivious to this poor woman's condition should be jailed. I hope they have a conscience, and it causes them to cut off each other's arms (left or right, really) in a sign of sympathy pain.

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Speaking of right arms (right hand man? no?), what happened to celebrating Jesus? The J-man must be some kind of perturbed to see his birthday turned into such a bland and uneasy period of time where people no longer celebrate, too afraid of offending someone's sensibilities. Can you tell me why someone celebrating their faith is offensive in any way? Just because we recognize other religions doesn't mean we have to bow to the whims of its followers.

Personally, I would find it much more in-the-spirit and respectful to say "Merry Christmas" to someone, learn that they are Jewish, and say "Oh, my bad! Happy Hanucka!" than the generic, trite and insincere Happy Holidays. Happy Holidays?? Really? I'm going to start wishing people Happy Holidays during Easter to illustrate my point. Chocolate-faced kiddies crowding on my porch fiending for some more sugar-crack?
Kiddies: "Trick or Treat!!"
OBJ: "Oh aren't you kids just a WONDER! Look at those costumes, so SCARY! Here's some candy for you, now be safe and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!"

In the War on Christmas, I stand by Bill. O. Reilly as a soldier in defense. Note: In an effort to remain completely objective and provide fair and balanced information, I have provided a rebuke to O'Reilly's solid stance. However, this must come with a disclaimer that the author of that article is a fucking dipshit.

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Next on the list, how much does your mommy love you? Now, I read this story twice and I still can't decide if this is a heartwarming reminder of the unbreakable bond between a mother and her child, or an astonishing narrative of the current condition of white trash in America. So this married woman cases a juror's house, crafted a "chance" meeting, "...and for nearly eight months, they drank at bars, smoked marijuana and shared meals in her tiny Brooklyn hideaway."

Now, the most astonishing aspect of this story is that: "There also was flirting. But both said it never went any further." Well how much further can it go?? What, are you implying some type of sexual misconduct? Fucking please. The LAST thing I think of when I hang out with "a lonely single woman from California" - twice my age - when I'm getting drunk and stoned off my ass in her apartment is ANY sort of sexual actions whatsoever! Who are they trying to fool, here? Hopefully this crazy (but ultimately at least 50% successful, gotta give her that) bitch's husband.

Ah, maternal love.

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Alright. Plenty of heavy stories today so let's lighten (literally) things up for a moment. Question: if her name isn't in the story, can Sue's be sued for insinuating that this woman is at least 356 lbs? I mean seriously, how fucking fat do you have to be to crush a toilet seat and get stuck inside the toilet for 20 minutes? Fat enough to sit on a quarter and squeeze a booger out of George Washington's nose? Most assuredly.

Lady, let me give you some advice, free-of-fucking-charge. If you want to stop having so many hip surgeries, stop putting so much extraordinary stress on your hips and lose some fucking weight.

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And right back to apocalyptic talk! Does anyone with half a brain (read: non-Tech grads) really think the end of the world isn't coming in our lifetime (assuming your lifetime proceeds for the next 2-40 years)? And you can bet your sweet ass it'll take place in the Middle East.

"We think that regional and international developments and the complicated situation faced by Israel itself will not allow it to launch military strikes against other countries," Iranian Foreign Ministry spokesman Hassan Qashqavi said, according to the Press TV Web site.

Mr. Qashqavi, you better fucking hope so.

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Some clear-cut good news? How unbelievable is THAT?? Certainly gives me hope that one day I'll find the cell phone I lost in that freezing pond one fateful Auburn-Georgia gameday while I was drunkenly fishing - directly after an all night-binger in downtown Athens - and sadly capsized my buddy's dingy. One day, cellie. We will be reunited.

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Moving on, we're lucky enough to have Fox News' resident "Sexpert" (Sue's has one of our own) tell us all about sex. Most intriguingly is this little piece of knowledge:

"15. Paid Sex = Unhappiness

A 2004 study titled “Money, Sex & Happiness” found that those who have paid for sex are much less happy than others."

You hear that, Joe Friday?? There's the proof I've been telling you for years! Now fucking STOP before it's too late!