Sports Flick Recap: The Mighty Ducks 2

Someone could be killed over an argument about what the greatest sports movie of all time is. And honestly, if I read it in the news it would completely make sense to me. More so than, say, oh I don't know, typical soul-stabbing killing stories.

I'm not going to go so far as to say Mighty Ducks, even when combined as a trilogy and looked at as a whole, is the greatest example of sports and cinema fucking to bare the child of a 'perfect sports movie ever.' But it's good. Damn good. MD I and MD III be damned (till later, of course), this is your Official Sue's Review of the Mighty Ducks 2, one of the best sports movies ever made.

Where were the assistant coaches throughout this whole thing?

Before we begin, let's go ahead and let it loose: even Sue's can't watch one of our favorite flicks of all time without just a wee bit of alcoholic encouragement. Or encouragement to drink alcohol, if you want me to be precise. So if you're bored as hell, nothing better to do, why don't you try the Runaround Sue's Mighty Ducks 2 Drinking Game? Mind you, we don't need to come up with some juvenile way of quickly getting intoxicated in order to enjoy this movie. Nobody does! We just wanted to.

Officially Licensed Runaround Sue's Mighty Ducks 2 Drinking Game

1. (+1) Every time a new player that was not in MD I appears, take one drink
2. (+1) When a player scores a goal (including playground scene and scene where Adam Banks scores in his driveway), take one drink.
3. (+1) Each time a new country is introduced during the tournament, take one drink
4. (+1) When the word "ducks" is spoken or read clearly in print, take one drink
5. (+2) If someone is able to point out a player from MD I that is not appearing in MDII, take two drinks
6. (+2) Every time there is an onscreen kiss, take two drinks
7. (+2) For every instance of old guy advice, take two drinks (Note: there can be several instances of old guy advice within one old guy monologue)
8. (+2) Each time there is a cringe-worth moment, take two drinks
9. (+3) For every celebrity sighting, take three drinks
10. (+3) When a player executes a Super Move, take three drinks
11. (+5) Each time Coach Bombay changes his hairstyle, take five drinks
12. (FINISH) Whenever Charlie shows solid leadership qualities, finish your drink

Speaking of good old Charlie Conway, is he not the Derek Jeter of the Mighty Ducks? Every time his team is getting down, Charlie is there to bump them up. When the Ducks need to be rallied for their World Goodwill Games appearance, Charlie's there to duck call every single one of those motherfuckers. Let's forget that at the end of the movie when every Minnesotan Duck states where he/she's from, they're spread out wider than a 200-pounder at a kegger knowing she's got a drunk guy drunk enough. Who cares if they skated all around St. Paul/Minnesota in about 5 minutes to gather together. Ducks fly to fucking together!

This kid's value to the team just can't be measured. Who was there when Coach Bombay started acting like a blond-bimbo-chasing hair-slicking douche? CHARLIE. Who was there to sacrifice his spot on the team when Banks miraculously healed from his broken wrist after 2 days? That's right. Fucking CHARLIE. This kid brings more intangibles to the Ducks than the entire fear factor edge carried by Iceland. You just TRY playing a drinking game that involves downing your drink when Charlie exhibits leadership.

I really like how the sponsors got so involved with the Goodwill Games that they chose and recruited the coach. Isn't there a committee for this? No? Either way the writers of this movie did an expert job of making the douche-ification of Bombay entirely his fault. Even though he was his normal nice guy self until the sponsor comes along, you never really blame the sponsors. You never look at the old guy and think, "hey. fuck you sponsor guy. leave Bombay to be the nice, hockey-playing-kid-at-heart guy he his." This is because Gordon becomes SUCH a douche, you don't mind that the corrupting sponsor leader is inexplicably having fun with the team before their climactic finale. Kudos to the writers...

...for the underhanded racism and stereotypes throughout the flick! First we have the team picking up their goalie at Goldberg's deli. Then we have a veritable feast of racial stereotypes that only pick up momentum throughout the movie:

• The ignorant-sounding trick skater from Texas, complete with dumb-looking dumbo ears, cowboy hat and cowboy rope. Everyone from Texas sounds like a hick!
• The street hockey playing kids from South Central who teach the Ducks about heart. Everyone that's black in a city is tough!
• The strikingly evil Iceland hockey team. Everyone from Iceland is either a hulking, blond, heavily-accented menace or a tall, blond, heavily-accented supermodel!
• The fast-as-lightning Louis Mendoza. Every Hispanic athlete is super-duper quick! Ariba ariba Undelay!
  
• The personal favorite of Sue's, the tie-dyed Trinidad team! Everyone from Trinidad plays bongos!

Forget the fact that both kids are "blowing" bubbles on Bombay's crotch to form perfect little bubble gum testicles. Check out those jerseys! It's like the look on Bombay's face is saying..."yeah, this movies racist as hell. But it's for kids!"

Speaking of Mendoza, did you notice he was in another all-time sports movie, the Sandlot? Sure he went by a different name then, Ben Rodriguez, but it's the same guy! Quick as motherfucker, and this time he's learned out to skate. Unfortunately, he didn't learn how to stop yet. Poor Benny.

Another quick note...is there any doubt that Coach Bombay - with his jeans, button-up and tie - went on to parlay his experience dealing with the temptations of lucrative sponsorships into a successful advertising career?

This is a good time to reveal IMDB's review of The Mighty Ducks 2:

"I love this movie and the other two movies in this series. I believe that it is the best of the series b/c it was a lot lighter than the other two. My favourite part might have been in the end when everyone is around the campfire and they burst into a horrible version of "We Are The Champions." Though it was horrible it was hilarious and very cocky. I'm sure all of us would break into this song after beating everyone in the world in hockey....though it's hard to believe Canada didn't kick Americas asses. I am a fan of Queen also and I believe this movie may have had a great deal with that as well.As a girl I have to say that when I was ten this was the first movie that I saw boys for more than just stupid pricks. If you want to be a kid again watch this movie and enjoy but don't bash it b/c it wasn't made to entertain teenagers and adults. (sic, sic, sic, etc.)"

How insightful. My respect for IMDB just plunged from about a 9.9 to 8.6. Don't you have anyone moderating this garbage? Hey, IMDB. If you want someone to get an accurate review of D2...send 'em to Sue's!

Biggest fuck up of the movie?

This one's gotta be a tie. Julie bitches about her playing time the entire movie, but when she finally gets her shot at some PT she gets ejected from the game by attacking an opposing player. WHAT GIVES, JULIE? I thought you wanted to show your STUFF. I thought you wanted to prove you were a DUCK. Instead, when you have the national stage all to yourself against the top-seeded team in the world, you puss out before the game even starts. Turns out you were just a lame duck (apologies).

Then again, the biggest mistake probably game from CGB. Bombay had a chance to ice the favorites for the championship game (pun intended!). When he's doing his one-on-one thing against the Iceland coach, the bastard nails him in the back of the knee as hard as he can. You're telling me he couldn't have pressed charges against this guy? He would've had to spend at least a day in jail for assault and battery. DUMBSHIT. He was already familiar with the rules of the coaches not showing up for games, so we know that if he had filed a police report the Iceland team would've had to have been coached by the nice-then-evil blond bombshell. WAY TO DROP THE PUCK, BOMBAY!

One last point...where the fuck did Iceland find this coach, anyway? Fucking PRISON? This guy interrupts a press conference to say America (thick Iceland voice) "will not win anything, that's what they're going to do," shows up at the Ducks' last practice and pops their beach ball (while saying [thick Icleand voice] get your ice rats off the rink) in what has to be the best part of the movie - and one of the unintentionally funniest scenes to revisit ever - then subsequently tries to break CGB's knee and blames his players for the loss. This guy has GOT to be in the top three Sports Movie Villains of all time, but we'll save that list for another time.

Next up: Mighty Ducks I