Things Were Going So Swimmingly...

This is good.

No, seriously, this is good.

Olympic superstar Michael Phelps could face criminal charges as part of the fallout from a photo that surfaced showing the swimmer smoking from a marijuana pipe at a University of South Carolina house party. A spokesman for Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott, who is known for his tough stance on drugs, said Tuesday the department was investigating.

Where can I take this story? "Ooooh, a 23-year old is smoking dope (allegedly)!! He's at a party (allegedly)!! Combine his alleged poor decision with other intoxicated youngsters and you have an INCREASED LIKELIHOOD OF RISKY BEHAVIOR!!!" Nah, too easy. I've been preaching that one for...well I guess I smoked too much dope to remember when I started. But definitely some time around then.

How 'bout, "Stop picking on celebrities! They have just as much of a right to enjoy the limited freedoms we still have left as any other person! What he does in the confines of a home is..." Nope. Can't go there either. I only saw parts of Eyes Wide Shut but I'm pretty sure, through that movie alone, there are certain things rich people shouldn't be doing behind their walls.

Wait. I've got it.

Quit the backstroke NOW or I'll blow your FUCKING BRAINS OUT!!

Over-glamorized cops! YES. You see how I did that without the assistance of an editor? Found a completely ludicrous story, and actually pinpointed the one relevant aspect of its existence. Let's begin:

Sheriff Leon Lott is a highly decorated officer, which I completely respect. Graduated from the FBI National Academy, FBI National Executive Institute and Harvard University's John f. Kennedy School of Government, a board member for D.A.R.E. America, 2004's South Carolina Sheriff of the Year and a two-time winner of South Carolina Law Enforcement Officers' Association's -- Toughest (SCLEOAT?) award, I'm sure he's saved countless lives by removing crack from the streets (honesty) and putting a major bummer in the days of criminals who think they can just DANGEROUSLY SIT THERE STONED DOING NOTHING (sarcasm).

According to ESPN:

"The Richland County sheriff has long sought to fight drug crimes. He rose from patrol officer to captain of the narcotics division in the early 1990s, after the television series "Miami Vice" made its splash.

Lott played the part well. He wore stylish suits and had long hair then. He drove a Porsche seized from a drug dealer and even worked undercover with federal agents in Florida."

Well. The good news is, if I was wondering weather a police officer or public servant (read: District Attorney) was a limelight-chasing attention-grabbing narcissistic glory hound, someone who once PLAYED THE PART OF CROCKETT WELL would certainly not be on my checklist. So, we're safe with two-time SCLEAOTer Lott.

"Things I like? Oh, geez good question! How 'bout...cupcakes, only the icing! and uh, lazy Saturdays, busting drug runners, guacamole dip, having my picture taken, Lay-Z-Boys, Moolattes..."

Let's go deeper:

"The bottom line is, if he broke the law, and he did it in Richland County, he's going to be charged," Cowan said. "And there's no difference between Michael Phelps and several other people that we arrest for the same type of a charge everyday."

Let me see if I can help you out here, Captain. One difference between the alleged perpetrator Mr. Phelps and the countless other hardcore criminal bongers is that YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE FUCKING RECOGNIZED THEM IN A PHOTOGRAPH. Another difference...hm...how 'bout that he has enough money to build a middle finger big enough to see from space inscribed with "Fuck the SCLEAOTers, fuck the SCLEATers, fuck 'em" and charge $25 for everyone to see it? And hire the best lawyers and get off on probation like EVERY OTHER FUCKING 23-YEAR OLD chilling in a college town you bust(ed) with this heinous crime?

The good news?

"The Richland County sheriff can pursue charges as long as the party was in the county, the spokesman said."

I really hope that party is found to be outside the county lines, and all SCLEAOTer Leon can do is posture for a bit longer, soaking up every ray of the light like an Alaskan on the day before 40 days of night. Here's to hoping the sheriff in the county over isn't as shallow as this one.

Note: Sue's wholly believes you can reach out to celebrities like Phelps, asking them to speak at schools, etc. on what they should be doing rather than trying to pull them down. Use their celebrity status, don't try and target them because of it.

Editor's note: SCLEAOTer Leon, I want you to know that I have friends in South Carolina. I'm going to there, SCLEAOTer Leon, and I'm going to take a picture of myself toking on a righteous blunt. This picture will be sent immediately to your box. I implore all of America to do the same.

"And we're going to get the dope pushers to start pushing license plates down the conveyor belt! And we're going to get the crack peddlers to start peddling their butts out of town!! And we're gonna...wait your microphone wasn't on? Hold on...And we're going to get the dope pushers to start pu..."

Oh, and to Pat Forde, who wrote a wonderfully insightful column expressing gratitude to Phelps because it showed his kids that they should be looking up to him rather than some TV phony - two questions:

1. Do you really not have anything better to write about as an ESPN columnist? I know we're not exactly in the middle of the college football season - your specialty - but really?
2. Why are you such a tremendous douche?

Forde, do you want your kids to grow up idolizing someone with a squeaky clean perfect image? Are YOU that someone? People make mistakes. Growing up idolizing someone that has never made one will make the burden of every mistake you make that much heavier. Why don't we wait to see how Phelps deals with his momentary lapse in up-until-now-perfect-character, which is supposedly how America judges character anyway (in adversity, not the easy times), rather than jumping on him immediately.

The dude (allegedly) took a bong rip. Chill. The fuck. Out.