Things Were Going So Swimmingly...

This is good.

No, seriously, this is good.

Olympic superstar Michael Phelps could face criminal charges as part of the fallout from a photo that surfaced showing the swimmer smoking from a marijuana pipe at a University of South Carolina house party. A spokesman for Richland County Sheriff Leon Lott, who is known for his tough stance on drugs, said Tuesday the department was investigating.

Where can I take this story? "Ooooh, a 23-year old is smoking dope (allegedly)!! He's at a party (allegedly)!! Combine his alleged poor decision with other intoxicated youngsters and you have an INCREASED LIKELIHOOD OF RISKY BEHAVIOR!!!" Nah, too easy. I've been preaching that one for...well I guess I smoked too much dope to remember when I started. But definitely some time around then.

How 'bout, "Stop picking on celebrities! They have just as much of a right to enjoy the limited freedoms we still have left as any other person! What he does in the confines of a home is..." Nope. Can't go there either. I only saw parts of Eyes Wide Shut but I'm pretty sure, through that movie alone, there are certain things rich people shouldn't be doing behind their walls.

Wait. I've got it.

Quit the backstroke NOW or I'll blow your FUCKING BRAINS OUT!!

Over-glamorized cops! YES. You see how I did that without the assistance of an editor? Found a completely ludicrous story, and actually pinpointed the one relevant aspect of its existence. Let's begin:

Sheriff Leon Lott is a highly decorated officer, which I completely respect. Graduated from the FBI National Academy, FBI National Executive Institute and Harvard University's John f. Kennedy School of Government, a board member for D.A.R.E. America, 2004's South Carolina Sheriff of the Year and a two-time winner of South Carolina Law Enforcement Officers' Association's -- Toughest (SCLEOAT?) award, I'm sure he's saved countless lives by removing crack from the streets (honesty) and putting a major bummer in the days of criminals who think they can just DANGEROUSLY SIT THERE STONED DOING NOTHING (sarcasm).

According to ESPN:

"The Richland County sheriff has long sought to fight drug crimes. He rose from patrol officer to captain of the narcotics division in the early 1990s, after the television series "Miami Vice" made its splash.

Lott played the part well. He wore stylish suits and had long hair then. He drove a Porsche seized from a drug dealer and even worked undercover with federal agents in Florida."

Well. The good news is, if I was wondering weather a police officer or public servant (read: District Attorney) was a limelight-chasing attention-grabbing narcissistic glory hound, someone who once PLAYED THE PART OF CROCKETT WELL would certainly not be on my checklist. So, we're safe with two-time SCLEAOTer Lott.

"Things I like? Oh, geez good question! How 'bout...cupcakes, only the icing! and uh, lazy Saturdays, busting drug runners, guacamole dip, having my picture taken, Lay-Z-Boys, Moolattes..."

Let's go deeper:

"The bottom line is, if he broke the law, and he did it in Richland County, he's going to be charged," Cowan said. "And there's no difference between Michael Phelps and several other people that we arrest for the same type of a charge everyday."

Let me see if I can help you out here, Captain. One difference between the alleged perpetrator Mr. Phelps and the countless other hardcore criminal bongers is that YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE FUCKING RECOGNIZED THEM IN A PHOTOGRAPH. Another difference...hm...how 'bout that he has enough money to build a middle finger big enough to see from space inscribed with "Fuck the SCLEAOTers, fuck the SCLEATers, fuck 'em" and charge $25 for everyone to see it? And hire the best lawyers and get off on probation like EVERY OTHER FUCKING 23-YEAR OLD chilling in a college town you bust(ed) with this heinous crime?

The good news?

"The Richland County sheriff can pursue charges as long as the party was in the county, the spokesman said."

I really hope that party is found to be outside the county lines, and all SCLEAOTer Leon can do is posture for a bit longer, soaking up every ray of the light like an Alaskan on the day before 40 days of night. Here's to hoping the sheriff in the county over isn't as shallow as this one.

Note: Sue's wholly believes you can reach out to celebrities like Phelps, asking them to speak at schools, etc. on what they should be doing rather than trying to pull them down. Use their celebrity status, don't try and target them because of it.

Editor's note: SCLEAOTer Leon, I want you to know that I have friends in South Carolina. I'm going to there, SCLEAOTer Leon, and I'm going to take a picture of myself toking on a righteous blunt. This picture will be sent immediately to your box. I implore all of America to do the same.

"And we're going to get the dope pushers to start pushing license plates down the conveyor belt! And we're going to get the crack peddlers to start peddling their butts out of town!! And we're gonna...wait your microphone wasn't on? Hold on...And we're going to get the dope pushers to start pu..."

Oh, and to Pat Forde, who wrote a wonderfully insightful column expressing gratitude to Phelps because it showed his kids that they should be looking up to him rather than some TV phony - two questions:

1. Do you really not have anything better to write about as an ESPN columnist? I know we're not exactly in the middle of the college football season - your specialty - but really?
2. Why are you such a tremendous douche?

Forde, do you want your kids to grow up idolizing someone with a squeaky clean perfect image? Are YOU that someone? People make mistakes. Growing up idolizing someone that has never made one will make the burden of every mistake you make that much heavier. Why don't we wait to see how Phelps deals with his momentary lapse in up-until-now-perfect-character, which is supposedly how America judges character anyway (in adversity, not the easy times), rather than jumping on him immediately.

The dude (allegedly) took a bong rip. Chill. The fuck. Out.

Old Gold

As someone who is a huge NBA fan and also straddles a fine line between patriotic and jingoistic, I can't express how proud and relieved I am to see the US Olympic basketball team restore their rightful place atop the world basketball ladder.

I never really understood how the U.S. team had gotten to the point where a 6th place finish in the 2002 World Championships and bronze medals in the 2004 Olympics and 2006 World Championships was even a possibility. Sure, I understood that the competition abroad had gotten better, that the best players on foreign teams were among some of the best players in the NBA. I even bought into the notion that the competition had played and practiced together for years and years, while the U.S. seemingly just showed up to practice in Las Vegas for a few weeks prior to the start of a tournament.

But still, we continued to throw out a team of 10-12 all-stars every time. Sure there were poor roster and coaching choices (Stephon Marbury?!?! The Disaster that was Larry Brown), but these lackluster performances on the world stage from 02-06 proved that our talent was no longer enough to secure a commanding or even gold-medal performance.

This year's Olympics ended up being the perfect storm for Team USA. Most of the league's elite-level superstars agreed to join the squad for the first time since 1996. The system implemented by Jerry Colangelo and Mike Krzyzewski brought much needed stability on the court and in personnel. While the original plan calling for a greater focus on role-players proved to be more hype than substance (for the handful of non-stars invited to the original camp in 2006, Tayshaun Prince was the only player on the 2008 team that wasn't a multiple-time all-star), on-court chemistry and overall cohesion provided the U.S. with their most dominant performance since the original Dream Team. It was truly a joy to watch this team play together. (Well as enjoyable as tape-delays and replays-while-knowing-the-outcome allow, but I digress)


Now that America has re-asserted their position as THE basketball power, where does USA Basketball go from here? It is unlikely that all the stars that agreed to play this time around would be willing to sacrifice their summers in 2010, 2011 and 2012 as well. For the trio of LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony and Dewayne Wade, these Olympics allowed them to avenge their poor (albeit Brown-hindered) performance in the Athens games. Are any of them really concerned with winning a second gold in 2012? For James and Anthony, espicially, their careers immediately become all about if they can take their NBA teams to the next level, and if not, where they will be playing in a couple of years. Kobe Bryant and Jason Kidd, two of the most standout performers within international basketball competition/rules, will likely be too gray to play again in 2012. While the U.S. point guard position should be secure for years to come, can a team led by the Brandon Roys, Al Horfords and Kevin Durants of the NBA stand out against (much less own) these still-improving teams from around the world? Here's to hoping so, but more than likely, these next few international competitions will have us pining for the 2008 squad, much as we did in the years following the 1992 Olympic Games.

Shut Up and Enjoy the Olympics Already! Part I

It really surprises me how apathetic the general U.S. public is about the Olympics. I mean, we're nearly as indifferent as we are about that other slowly-but-surely-dying-tradition that happens every four years: presidential elections.

I ask you with heartfelt sincerity, America. Why? Is the fierce invasion of Brett Favre's face into your home every night really more intriguing than the Olympics, with all of its pure-gold stories of redemption and revenge?

Or perhaps you're more enthralled with Arava the paralyzed turtle and her quest to finally get laid. You go girl!


I mean, here we are, fantasy owners and L.A.liens (nods to Outkast) alike cheering for this Manny guy who screws over his whole team just to get more money. A story we've all heard before. You can't honestly tell me Manny thought he had a better chance of winning a championship in L.A.

Manny's Scores
Self-Sacrifice for Good of Team: 0
Focus on Winning Championship: 0

Meanwhile, we've got 16-year old gymnasts competing on sprained ankles, hugging each other even after teammates essentially lose the gold medal for all of them for one little fault.

What's that? You missed that?

Too caught up attending Ellen DeGeneres' wedding? Really, Ellen. Slacks at your own wedding? Methinks we're taking equality a bit too far here.

Then there's Michael 'bout to be bigger walking sponsorship than Peyton Manning Phelps. We're witnessing perhaps the greatest single performance in any Olympics in the history of the Games. And it's not being done by a total douchebag, but a really down-to-earth, aww shucks I love my mom good old American boy. You can't help but root for this guy.

Missed that too? Can't blame it on the time difference. Perhaps we are all still stunned at Rosanne Barr's hurtful remarks calling Angelina Jolie an "evil spawn" and our outrage, both Conservatives and Liberals, over Barr's suggestion that Republicans are behind a "worldwide economic assault."

No? On the edge of your seat watching the worst case of mistaken identity since Lisa Marie Presley thought she was marrying a "human" or a "not entirely fucking crazy guy?" Kal-El Cage, Nic? Seriously? You named your fucking son after Superman? If you're such a huge fan, try naming your dog Krypto or some shit like everyone else. What is it with you Hollywood folk.

The point is, the Olympics are about two things that are always a staple for American entertainment - sports and improbable stories. I mean, c'mon folks, these athletes train their whole lives for something that we at home barely think is relevant any more. I just think that's tragic. We should be rooting these athletes on as much as possible, welcoming them all back with a parade. Know why? Because everything's all good as long as we're thumping all of the other countries, consisting racking up the most medals. People stop caring, people stop training, and all of a sudden we're not doing as well? Then the American public's going to be super pissed. "Hey, what the fuck? I thought we owned in swimming? How come we just got beat by Kyrgyzstan?! That's a fucking landlocked country! They don't even have any water around them!"

It's just the American way. I understand that we'd be more into it if it took place in an American city. I really do. But just so you know you're on alert, America. Chicago's considered a favorite to host the Games in 8 years. If we don't have a strong turn out, it's really damning to our sense of national pride.

The only real piece of news worthy enough to pull your eyes from the Olympics should have been Germany ruining our last chance of making our droll office work fun.