Shut Up and Enjoy the Olympics Already! Part I

It really surprises me how apathetic the general U.S. public is about the Olympics. I mean, we're nearly as indifferent as we are about that other slowly-but-surely-dying-tradition that happens every four years: presidential elections.

I ask you with heartfelt sincerity, America. Why? Is the fierce invasion of Brett Favre's face into your home every night really more intriguing than the Olympics, with all of its pure-gold stories of redemption and revenge?

Or perhaps you're more enthralled with Arava the paralyzed turtle and her quest to finally get laid. You go girl!


I mean, here we are, fantasy owners and L.A.liens (nods to Outkast) alike cheering for this Manny guy who screws over his whole team just to get more money. A story we've all heard before. You can't honestly tell me Manny thought he had a better chance of winning a championship in L.A.

Manny's Scores
Self-Sacrifice for Good of Team: 0
Focus on Winning Championship: 0

Meanwhile, we've got 16-year old gymnasts competing on sprained ankles, hugging each other even after teammates essentially lose the gold medal for all of them for one little fault.

What's that? You missed that?

Too caught up attending Ellen DeGeneres' wedding? Really, Ellen. Slacks at your own wedding? Methinks we're taking equality a bit too far here.

Then there's Michael 'bout to be bigger walking sponsorship than Peyton Manning Phelps. We're witnessing perhaps the greatest single performance in any Olympics in the history of the Games. And it's not being done by a total douchebag, but a really down-to-earth, aww shucks I love my mom good old American boy. You can't help but root for this guy.

Missed that too? Can't blame it on the time difference. Perhaps we are all still stunned at Rosanne Barr's hurtful remarks calling Angelina Jolie an "evil spawn" and our outrage, both Conservatives and Liberals, over Barr's suggestion that Republicans are behind a "worldwide economic assault."

No? On the edge of your seat watching the worst case of mistaken identity since Lisa Marie Presley thought she was marrying a "human" or a "not entirely fucking crazy guy?" Kal-El Cage, Nic? Seriously? You named your fucking son after Superman? If you're such a huge fan, try naming your dog Krypto or some shit like everyone else. What is it with you Hollywood folk.

The point is, the Olympics are about two things that are always a staple for American entertainment - sports and improbable stories. I mean, c'mon folks, these athletes train their whole lives for something that we at home barely think is relevant any more. I just think that's tragic. We should be rooting these athletes on as much as possible, welcoming them all back with a parade. Know why? Because everything's all good as long as we're thumping all of the other countries, consisting racking up the most medals. People stop caring, people stop training, and all of a sudden we're not doing as well? Then the American public's going to be super pissed. "Hey, what the fuck? I thought we owned in swimming? How come we just got beat by Kyrgyzstan?! That's a fucking landlocked country! They don't even have any water around them!"

It's just the American way. I understand that we'd be more into it if it took place in an American city. I really do. But just so you know you're on alert, America. Chicago's considered a favorite to host the Games in 8 years. If we don't have a strong turn out, it's really damning to our sense of national pride.

The only real piece of news worthy enough to pull your eyes from the Olympics should have been Germany ruining our last chance of making our droll office work fun.