It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Now that THAT time of the year is upon us, it has become imperative to make the annoying but necessary plans for the next 15 Saturdays. This means figuring out your transportation, lodging, tickets, parking and all the erstwhile etceteras that go along with being a college football fan in the South. In addition, this also includes attempting to watch 10+ hours of quality college football on a weekly basis, all the while tailgating and consuming 8,000 calories (only 3,000 of which are food). Unlike the unfortunate souls that have to live in Big 10 or Pac 10 country, SEC fans don’t have to sit through a plethora of match-ups between unranked teams sandwiched between a “Game of the Week” that could prominently feature Iowa or UCLA.

No, the SEC fan is treated to a smorgasbord of delectable games each week. While this seems, and is, a great thing, it also puts SEC fans in the unfortunate position of maintaining an enjoyable level of rowdiness while properly being able to keep a meaningful eye on the game. All this so that you aren’t left watching Sportcenter on a Wednesday and wondering “Wait…what…how the hell is Jasper Brinkley out for the rest of the season?!?” (Not that this happened, to, uh, anyone in particular…)

Offensive Coordinators Worst Nightmare

Well, the SEC fan is in luck this year, because the fine folks here at Runaround Sue’s present the 1^st Annual SEC Guide to Alcohol Purchasing and Being Able to Properly Consume a Weekend of Football Coherently (next year’s edition will have a better name). This guide will give the SEC fan a rough outline of the quality of each Saturday’s games combined with the proper alcohol purchases. Adjust accordingly based on personal tolerances and/or financial situation (tip: If going the cheap route, Barton’s Vodka and Gin is always preferable to Mr. Boston’s), but the general rule of thumb is, the better the games, the better the alcohol selection.

Week 1 Games (predicted televised games on Raycom, CBS, ESPN and other national/regional channels listed only):

Hawaii at Florida (12:30 p.m. ET / Raycom)
Appalachian State at LSU (4 p.m. CT / ESPN)
Mississippi State at La. Tech (5:45 p.m. CT / ESPN2)
Alabama vs. Clemson (at Atlanta) (7 p.m. CT / ABC)

Being able to stand up straight and properly lead an “S-E-C!” chant following a hopeful Bama waxing of Clemson around 11pm is a must. That MSU/LaTech game would be a good time to sponge up some of the alcohol with a bite to eat.

Verdict: Case of Natty Light, Liter of Jack Daniels.

Always a good present for SEC fan.

Week 2 Games:

Southern Miss at Auburn (11:30 a.m. CT / Raycom)
Central Michigan at Georgia (3:30 p.m. ET / FSNS)
Wake Forest at Ole Miss (2:30 p.m. CT / ABC)
Miami, Fla. at Florida (8 p.m. ET / ESPN)

Another average slate of games that gets better as the night progresses.

Verdict: 12 pack of Amstel Light, 12 pack of Budweiser, 3 shots of Jagermeister, 3 Vodka Tonics (can’t use bourbon on a night game between 2 Florida teams)

Week 3:

UAB at Tennessee (12:30 p.m. ET / Raycom)
Arkansas at Texas (2:30 p.m. CT / ABC)
Georgia at South Carolina (3:30 p.m. ET / CBS)
Auburn at Mississippi State (6 p.m. CT / ESPN2)

ABC continues to luck out with having their lackluster conferences schedule out-of-conference games with SEC teams. Some astute remote-toggling or barroom eye-shifting will be needed for the Arky/UT and UGA/SC games.

Verdict: 6 pack of Bud Light, 4 Red Bull Vodkas, 12 pack of Coronas

Week 4:

Alabama at Arkansas
LSU at Auburn
Florida at Tennessee
Georgia at Arizona State

This weekend should break your wallet or liver, whichever comes first.

Verdict: Case of Bud Light, Handle of Jack Daniels, 3 lines of coke Kamikaze shots, 4 pints of Newcastle

Week 5:

Mississippi State at LSU
Tennessee at Auburn
Alabama at Georgia

As far as encores go, this slate of games isn’t too shabby after the previous week’s venerable SECorgy (pronounced, S-E-Sorgee). Throw in the fact that College Gameday is a near lock to visit Athens, and you’re looking at another weekend for the ages. Have I mentioned that we haven’t even hit October yet?

Verdict: 6 pack of Schlitz Tallboys, Handle of Makers Mark, Several flasks full of Jack Daniels (if that’s a bit bourbon-heavy for the ladies, substitute a handle of Absolut as you deem appropriate)

Unfortunately, drinking Schlitz in this millenium will not yield similar female talent.

Week 6:

Kentucky at Alabama
Florida at Arkansas
Auburn at Vanderbilt

A bit of a respite from the last few weeks, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’ll enjoy these games more than whatever ABC will be showing this afternoon.

Verdict: Case of Miller Lite…the lesser of the light domestic beers (better taste my ass)...fits well here.

Week 7:

Arkansas at Auburn
Tennessee at Georgia
LSU at Florida

Aaand…we’re back! I know there’s no McFadden/Jones/Nutt, but the last few editions of Arkansas-Auburn have had the feel of a game pulled straight out of the ESPN Classic highlights. The fact that there’s no Brandon Cox either and that it’s only the 12:30EST game make this weekend another winner.

However, Arkansas’ answer to Brandon Cox is still around.

Verdict: Case of Coors Light (spread the wealth), Handle of Jim Beam, TWO (count ‘em) Bud Selects, 4 shots of Jose Cuervo

Week 8:

Ole Miss at Alabama
Arkansas at Kentucky
Vanderbilt at Georgia
LSU at South Carolina
Mississippi State at Tennessee

All games are listed here because I have no idea which ones will be televised. Take your girl to the mountains, fuck her silly, and while she’s taking a nap, sneak off to watch LSU-South Carolina

Verdict: A 12-pack of Rolling Rock and whatever wine you have with dinner.

Week 9:

Kentucky at Florida
Alabama at Tennessee
Georgia at LSU

Kentucky-Florida games are always entertaining. And it’s just a guess, but I don’t see John Parker Wilson duplicating his performance in last year’s Tennessee game unless there is a Nicaraguan Football League out there that I don’t know about. Those last two games should be instant classics.

Verdict: 12 pack of Killians, Handle of JW Red, 6 pack of Michelob

Week 10:

Auburn at Ole Miss
Florida vs. Georgia (Jacksonville)
Tennessee at South Carolina

There is a very good chance that this week could feature an All-SEC match-up between the #1 and #2 teams in the country. Go early, go hard, and don’t look back.

Verdict: 4 Bloody Marys, Handle of JW Black, 4 shots of Patron and whatever beer that remains moderately chilled in a poorly-operating hotel mini-fridge upon your return from the landing.

Week 11:

Georgia at Kentucky
Alabama at LSU
Arkansas at South Carolina

SEC West race could be decided on this day…Petrino and Spurrier square off in the first annual Asshole Bowl.

Verdict: 12 pack of Heineken, Liter of Wild Turkey

Week 12:

Mississippi State at Alabama
Georgia at Auburn
South Carolina at Florida

Let’s finish this up quickly…

Verdict: 3 Dirty Martinis, Liter of Ketel One

Week 13:

Arkansas at Mississippi State
Ole Miss at LSU
Tennessee at Vanderbilt

Verdict: Drink 40s of Icehouse until you black this day out.

Week 14:

Friday
LSU at Arkansas (Little Rock)
Mississippi State at Ole Miss

Saturday
Auburn at Alabama
Florida at Florida State
Georgia Tech at Georgia
Kentucky at Tennessee
South Carolina at Clemson

Vedict: Ease your Turkey Day hangover by sipping on The Glenlivet for Friday’s slate of games. Saturday, you’re looking at a 12 pack of Yuengling, followed by a 4 Rum and Diet Cokes (only 60 calories!). Remember, it is absolutely crucial that you be able to do the “S-E-C!” chant on this day.

Note to folks spending the weekend in Georgia: Substitute Sam Adams Seasonal Brew for Yuengling.

Statistics show that 88% of Americans do not understand the relevance of this pic.

Week 15:

SEC Championship Game (Atlanta)

Verdict: Southern Comfort. All. Day.

Disclaimer: Runaround Sue’s reminds all 8 of our readers that the legal drinking age is 21 years old and to not drink and drive, be responsible, always tip your bartender and to not be “that guy.” Unless "that guy" is the asshole who won't stop doing S-E-C chants. In that case, we'll join you.