Man, oh man. What is better than spending an afternoon with someone poking and prodding around in your mouth with some sharp ass instruments? I just can't think of a better deal. You mean, I pay you several hundred dollars (less if you're one of the 3.4% of Americans with insurance!) so that you can make me incredibly uncomfortable, give me a free showing of the habitat that is your inner nostrils and generally leave me with nothing to do for a few hours than guess what you ate for lunch? Sign me the fuck up! Note to dentists: if you eat onions for lunch, use some fucking mouthwash.
Now, I realize that this isn't exactly about sports, but fucking shit man. I had lots of downtime for a few hours. With that mind-blowing introduction, the following is the best and worst of dentist visits.
1) Catching up on Your Sports and Celebrity Reading
"Brittney Spears is thin again? No? This is an old issue and she's actually preggo again? When did Mary Kate start fucking Richard Gere? Fuck this is from last year!" There's nothing quite like having a smörgåsbord spread of US and Sports Illustrated magazines in front of you. Granted you usually only read through about 2/3 of any article, but shit man! I read 1/3 of an article on Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson and their ability to hold onto their friendship despite competing against each other for the all-around gold medal in gymnastics! It was their dream and they talked about it ever since becoming the first two announced to the team two years ago! It was a beautiful almost-half a story! More on the gymnasts in part II of our Olympic coverage.
If you're like me you have more important things to do in the bathroom than read SI. Like, read US News and Weekly Report or your book. So it's always a splendor when you get to act like a kid in the candy store and pick out which celeb-trash rag or Super Bowl Coverage Special! issue of sports magazines will keep you busy for a while.
2) The Free Shit
Dental floss that tastes like raccoon shit? Toothpaste with a good 1.5 squeezes in it? Toothbrushes you just specifically told me not to use? $1 off coupons for Ultra Super Badass toothpaste that costs $25? Fuck. Yes. Maybe I'm too old to get a lollipop. But God damn it, when I get something for free I just feel special. I don't give a fuck what it is. I could go on a trip to the mountains and stop at the General Store and they could give me a bag of bear shit on my way out. "Free bear shit? Are you fucking kidding me? This place is fucking awesome!" So kudos to you, dental pharmaceutical companies. You make my shitty day less shittastic.
3) The Leggy Receptionist
Now, this isn't always a given. If you're going to the dentist and they don't have the Free Shit and the Huge Magazine Selection, son you in the wrong place. But if your tooth examiner is really on top of his shit, he'll also have a hot ass girl at the front desk. It's a given. I mean, if I owned a business I'd take a 38% decline in productivity for a 75% increase in aesthetically pleasing tits for the one employee where it definitely matters. I'm pretty sure any person with good business sense, including those with vaginas, would do the same.
It's very important that you always flirt with this girl like she's the hottest girl you've ever seen. Not only does it really make going to the dentist a much more positive experience, but you just don't ever know. Ya never, know.
EDIT: Point of advice, if you do flirt your ass off and somehow get the ridiculously hot receptionist from your dentist's office to go out on a date with you, be sure to check for the wedding ring. I mean, if you care about that sort of thing. But be careful. Seriously.
1) The Self-Esteem Crusher
Also known as your consultation after the hygienest has efficiently gaped and stretched your mouth out wider than a Saigon whore's ass, so that it's more sore than a Saigon whore's jaw, this is when the real fun starts. No matter how well you've brushed, no matter how many times a day you've flossed, there's always something you could be doing better. It's like a soul destroying argument with your girlfriend.
Dentist Says: "So what about flossing?"
Dentist Means: "Your gums look like a toothless homeless kid's from Baltimore."
Dentist Says: "Three times per week? That's good but you should really floss at least once per day."
Dentist Means: "You little lying fuck. You don't even deserve to sit in my comfy chair you bastard. You haven't flossed since the Wall fell, have you?"
Dentist Says (flossing your teeth): "Do you know the proper way to floss? Many people floss but never get down the right technique."
Dentist Means: "Your gums look like shit. Y'know, I'm really looking close now, and I can just be honest and say this is the worst shit I've ever seen. You're one sick fuck."
Inevitably you always leave feeling like you're not doing enough. I don't give a shit if you brush 3X daily and floss twice. There's something you can be doing better. You're using Crest? You dumbass. Use Aquafresh. It's got baking soda stabilizers. Using Aquafresh? Not good enough. Don't you care about your health? Use Sensodyne. Here's a $1 off coupon.
2) Feeling Like a Pussy
If you're lucky, you've never had a cavity in your life and the most discomfort you feel when you go to the dentist is when they poke and prod your mouth with sharp ass instruments you end up getting into an argument about at the end of the visit.
BI: You should really be careful with those things when you're poking someone's mouths.
Hygienist: Oh, why is that?
BI: Look how sharp they are! You could literally kill someone with these things!
Hygienist: Now come on. I think that's pretty impossible.
BI (taking sharpest instrument, making stabbing gesture toward throat and ear of hygienist): No really, look! If I stab you right here and pull, your whole throat opens up! Or I could just go in on the side of your ear here, see?
Hygienist (looking frighteningly towards the reception desk, slowly raising hand to take instrument): Yes, well, I've never really tried that before.
But if you have had a cavity, you know what it's like. How do they figure out if you're in pain? Put you in mild discomfort, of course. How do they find out if you're in immense pain? Put you in pain! It's fucking brilliant! I'm going to take this sharp thing here and ram it all around your teeth until you say "Ow, shit!" okay? Alright let's start.
3) The Cost
Without insurance, your poor ass better just go ahead and forget about the dentist. We're talking about a fucking G just for a filling. Several hundred for a teeth cleaning. And God save your ass if you need something a little more complex, like a crown or some shit. You're looking at about $3k. Guess what mutherfucker? You're losing a tooth 'cause you can't afford health insurance. Now your ass is homeless because your boss thinks you're unsightly to clients. Your wife's left you, your kids are going to Florida State, and you're sucking dick for a baked potato. All because you couldn't lay off the God damn snickers. Life's a bitch, ain't it?
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to eat an apple fried in bacon grease.