Real Sports

Due to the infallible nature of back and forth (read: the awesomeness of foursquare), I must automatically assume that it be my honor to put forth the esteemed "First Sports Blog" of Runaround Sue's. I blush.

I must first take issue with a few things spoke by my colleague in the inaugural address to all of you, loyal Sue fans:

1. Let's skip to number 2 on the list, slather on some number 5 and throw some dashes on top of some number 7 fried in bacon grease. Sec Snobs? University of Georgia? Atlanta-centric? Fox fucking news?? WHAAAT?! Who gives a damn, right? Well I could go off on a Dennis Miller-esque rant here, but suffice to say that our women are proven to be hotter, our potato salad and coleslaw are mayonnaise-ier, we serve gourment grits (my fave is a tie between parmesan shrimp and jalepeno cheddar) and, while this list could certainly continue until my egotistical (or is it geocentric?) ass bloviates myself into blovivian, our stereotypes are more stereotypical, and Goddammit they're all true! A concise story to prove how and why all of the above is vital to the success of this blog.

3. My number 2 issue with Jibber's list sucked. So, here's number fucking 3. Atlanta and Houton team-centric talk?? Are you kidding me? I've lived long enough in this city (say, five fucking minutes?) to know that, if you start speaking positively about the sports teams here, they'll be pissed at you. Seriously. I just dislike them because they suck. The Texans are O-K because lovable losers are always fun to root for. But the Astros? The Rockets? C'mooon. This is the only town I've lived in where the fans actually have more respect for you after you leave. Try coming to Houston and asking about Brad Lidge. Two years ago you would've gotten punched in your dick, but now, you hear wonderful things, like, "Hey, he's doing pretty good over there in Philly!" or "He just needed to get out of Houston." Not one fucking person will say, "Why couldn't he do that HERE?!" It's like Houstonians are resigned to their fate that their players and, ultimately their teams, suck. Andy why wouldn't they have this self-loathing for their teams? They're Houstonians! They can't even claim being the fattest city in America anymore.

4. No question about it. Metaphors, obscure references, maybe even straight-up reviews and comparisons. Wrestling is on the menu, even you don't smell what I'm cooking, bitch.

5. Can I please fucking be Wilbon?

6. Who the fuck is Bill Plaschke?

The sports will continue on tomorrow, where our topic will be the one thing missing on the Fourth of JOO-lah.