Bawlin' Cawlin' 04-15-09: Special Fare Thee Well Edition

Let's revisit some of those bold, seemingly magical predictions, shall we?

Well it's been fun, people. Down the amazing stretch, SJF and I are tied at an amazing 15-8 apiece. That's good enough for an above-65% hitting. Not bad for your intrepid reporters here at Sue's. Hopefully some of you out there took advantage of our degenerate scumbag gambling tendencies (I was thinking to myself how pathetic it was we bet $100+on the All Star game...then realized we've been doing it for four years running and quieted my conscience, quickly) and made an easy buck. If you didn't, well, there's never a shortage of wagers here at Sue's, so stop being a SISSY and lay it on the line, people!

This seems a good time to look back at our predictions from October. It'll be interesting to see the symmetry between Friday's cerebral look at the predictability of the NBA and our preseason predictions. Mind you, this isn't necessarily to gauge how well our predictions panned out, but more to put them all in a concise and referential location. Note to aspiring sports bloggers: it is not advisable to bury your season predictions in a 26-page G-Chat (two-parter). Now, let's take a look at those picks!

Western Conference
Random OBJ Prediction Part I: The Rockets would be a formidable team in the West, lead by a rejuvenated T-Mac
Result: 50/50. The Rockets are a team to watch in the West, currently the 3rd seed, but it has nothing to do with McGrady.

Random OBJ Prediction Part II: His love affair with T-Mac will end soon
Result: Dead on. To me, T-Mac is dead and gone.

Random SJF Prediction: The Nuggets are D-U-N.
Result: Yowzers. Well, now way we could've seen the AI-Billups trade arriving, so no shame here.

OBJ and SJF Combined Prediction: The Mavericks' run as an elite Western Conference team is over.
Result: Dallas is currently the number 7 seed in the West, and is likely looking at a 3rd-straight opening round departure from the playoffs. What's done is done.
SJF Western Conference Seeding Prediction:

1. Lakers
2. Jazz
3. New Orleans
4. Houston
5. San Antonio
6. Dallas
7. Phoenix
8. Portland
   

OBJ Western Conference Seeding Prediction:

1. Lakers
2. Rockets
3. New Orleans
4. San Antonio
5. Jazz
6. Phoenix
7. Dallas
8. Denver

Actual (Assuming Seeding Remains Constant):

1. Lakers
2. Denver
3. Houston
4. Portland
5. San Antonio
6. New Orleans
7. Dallas
8. Utah

So we were both pretty close, with a few key - however small - differences. We both hit on two, which is just a wee bit unfair considering the whole Lakers-at-the-top thing. But the convoluted nature of the top of the West should not be forgotten when looking at this, either. With the exception of one team each, both Joe Friday and I nailed all of the playoff teams in the West. The only difference is that, while we both thought Phoenix would be in the mix this year, yours truly still had the Nuggets in while Friday was keen enough to know Portland was going to be on there shit. Considering the 2-5 seeds in the West are separated by one game, I'd say that our stamp of "PREDICTABLE" for the NBA still shows brightly.

Eastern Conference
We produced these predictions the day after the AI trade, which had Friday drooling all over the Piston while I was slowly shoveling the last few piles of dirt on the grave that was AI's career. Just more evidence that OBJ should be your go-to guy for everything sports, and Joe Friday's a tool. And hey, while I LOVE me some vanilla Snack Packs, fuck the puddin' ya'll the proof's in SJF's retarded post praising AI as The Answer in Detroit.

Random SJF Prediction: One of the Big Three in Boston will get injured in Boston, but it probably will not be Garnett.
Result: 50/50. Not too bad, Friday.

Random OBJ Prediction: Pat Riley will not be prepared to pay The Matrix what he wants, and he'll be shipped out before the midway point.
Result: Dead fuckin' on, that's the result bitches!

SJF Eastern Conference Seeding Prediction (4-8):
1. Detroit
2. Boston
3. Cleveland
4. Miami
5. Philadelphia
6. Toronto
7. Orlando
8. ATLANTA

OBJ Eastern Conference Seeding Prediction (4-8):
1. Boston
2. Detriot
3. Cleveland
4. Philadelphia
5. ATLANTA
6. Orlando
7. Miami
8. Toronto

Actual (Assuming Seeding Remains Constant):

1. Cleveland
2. Boston
3. Orlando
4. ATLANTA
5. Miami
6. Chicago
7. Philadelphia
8. Detroit

Some common themes here, folks. Looks like we both had Toronto ranked, we'll say, slightly too high, and neither of us anticipated Chicago making the playoffs. Detriot at #8 would've been a huge shock to us then, as it remains so now. The runaway MOST AWESOME BADASS PREDICTION of the year? Let's just say all the shit Joe Friday gave me for picking Atlanta #5 wasn't met with a grimace on his part, but if self-dap were actually possible I'd make myself a goddamn dap sundae for seeing the Hawks coming.

OBJ Playoff Predictions:
Boston vs. Cleveland in the Eastern Conference Championship
San Antonio vs. Los Angeles in the Western Conference Championship

NBA Finals: Cavaliers over Lakers

SJF Playoff Predictions:
Boston vs. Detriot in the Eastern Conference Championship
Lakers vs. Jazz in the Western Conference Championship

NBA Finals: Lakers over Pistons

Sue's MVP Prediction:
We both agreed on Lebron. Go fig.

On to the picks!!

You just witnessed a fairly impressive display of prediction-producing prowess.

Records
OBJ: 15-8
Joe Friday: 15-8

This is it. For all the marbles, the whole shebang and ever other contrivance you could possibly come up with. I'm so geeked I can smell the excitement seeping through my jeans and running down my leg.

Today's Picks
Okay. This time we're going to make DAMN sure there's no tie, opting to go with an unprecedented THREE picks each!

OBJ 1: Orlando (-2.5) over Charlotte
What is this?? Is D-Howard not playing? Is someone injured?? I couldn't find any news WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SPREAD ALL ABOUT??

OBJ 2: Houston (+1) over Dallas
Don't make me look STUPID for calling out how GOOD you guys were going to be, H-Town.

OBJ 3: Denver/Portland Over 198.5
Man, oh man I was tempted to go with the Hawks losing by less than 7 to Memphis, but they balled yesterday and I'm trying to play it as safe as possible. Sorry Baby Hawks!

Joe Friday 1: Dallas +1 over Houston

Joe Friday 2: Cleveland + 3.5 over Philly

Joe Friday 3: New Orleans +9 over San Antonio

Bawlin' Cawlin' 04-14-09

Guess who's coming to dinner?

One of these guys handles their celebrity and massive wealth with grace and aplomb; the other is a total douche bag. Let the guessing begin!

A bit of the excitement has been sucked out of tonight's game, with Atlanta and Miami locking up the number four and five seeds, respectively. This is no more evident than when you watch the game tonight, to discover that Speedy Claxton is not only playing, hells bells he's in the starting lineup!

While you can look to Sue's for a more in depth study of both the upcoming playoffs and - more importantly - our preseason picks, a quick recap of our regular season series with the Heat reveals that, hey! this D-Wade guy's pretty darn good! In three meetings with Miami the Hawks are 2-1, winning 91-83 in their last meeting at Philips Arena (Feb. 27). But Wade has averaged 25.7 points, 5 boards and nearly 6 assists while shooting over 51% from the field in those games. Let's get something straight here...Wade is my favorite player in the NBA right now. He's one of the top 3 players in the LIG, and rather than being a global conqueror ('Bron) or an ego-maniacal assmunch, Wade has always seemed surprisingly down to earth and genuinely nice. I saw one of those Make A Wish things with Wade, which just so happened to come on in back-to-back succession with Kobe's episode, Flash interacted with the poor kid suffering from some disease or another as if it was literally his little brother or cousin. It was genuinely touching, and one of the most emotional things I ever caught myself getting teared up with in regards to sports. Conversely, Kobe seemed uncomfortable and stiff the whole time. Much like the way I feel when I accompany my saintly mother on her trips to the hospice where she volunteers with her therapy dog to put smiles on people's faces that are waving in death. The only difference is I feel uncomfortable because I'm overwhelmed with sadness and compassion, and Kobe seemed uncomfortable because he was working a charity angle that was clearly forced and without emotion.

Of course I don't know Kobe or Flash, and I could be way off base. But Wade really seems like a good person, and that's always stuck with me. If I could put money on an athlete in sports today that will not have some sort of character-shattering scandal or other development that leads people to doubt if he (sigh, or she) is a good person, Dwayne Wade would probably be my number one pick.

This is all to say that I wish we were not playing the Heat in the opening round, because not only is the opportunity to root for Wade's one-man wrecking crew against a superstar of similar grit like 'Bron mercilessly stolen away from me, but it also means Wade has not chance of reaching the second round. Hawks are winning y'all. Which reminds me...

Records
OBJ: 15-7
Joe Friday: 14-8

This could be the last regular season Bawlin' Cawlin' of the 2008-09 season. If you're not excited with our records by now, you may want to look into seeing a psychiatrist ('cause you're depressed!!).

Today's Picks

OBJ: Atlanta (-9.5) over Miami

Jeez. I've gotta believe that the Hawks can cover a near 10-point spread at home against the team I've already predicted will lose to them in the opening round of the playoffs. Right? RIGHT??

Joe Friday: Miami (+9.5) over Atlanta

Can you believe this shit. Runaround Sue's. Where selling out your own team happens.

Hittin Up The G Spot

As Vince Dooley stated, the whole ESPN Gameday-at-G Day thing is "definitely a new concept." Walking around campus in the hours before and after the game, it seemed like a small fraction of an actual gameday, with most of the streets still open and hardly as many Dawg fans as usual. I couldn't imagine watching it on television, even if I am watching the Tivo'd game right now.

Sue's estimated the attendance to be somewhere in the 30-35k range. According to Total UGA, that figure was actually 42, 500...although I'm fascinated to know how you estimate that number without the exchange of tickets. The method they used was probably similar to ours, which is to say, not very scientific. In any case, 42k + for a glamorized scrimmage is excellent news for Dawg nation. If nothing else, the national audience with nothing better to do Saturday but watch the G Day game - not to mention all of those prized recruits - had to be impressed with the turnout. It's really an honor to be part of a rich tradition that inspires tens of thousands of fans to travel to Athens for little more reason than the nostalgic sense of calm and joy only received from seeing a sea of Red and Black.

The student section at Sanford: never a bad time

The game itself was, admittedly, a bit brutal. Logan Gray had arguably the best day of all the quarterbacks, going 9-13 for 91 yards (7 rushes for negative 20 yards), a slight step up from Joe Cox's 9-16 for 105 (4 rushes, minus 24 yards). The score - while not entirely important - was 13-3, so don't' be surprised when I say there were no touchdown passes. All of you that are waiting in breathless anticipation for Aaron Murray's line, he went 3-5 with 62 yards. Mettenberger was a decidedly unimpressive 0 for 3 with one interception, topped off with 2 rushes for negative 16 yards.

What really concerns me is not the lack of prolific plays from the game. It is, after all, just a spring game, and if any of the players are going 100% they should probably be sat down and screamed at by the coaches. Nobody needs to be getting injured chasing Zach Mettenberger out of bounds. On top of that you have the coaches not wanting to reveal their plays, so I'm not going to overreact towards a day of struggling offenses and half-assed plays (no run backs on punts, for example). But what does concern me is that every conversation I struck up with Georgia fans over the weekend - every single one - included a hopeful comment regarding Aaron Murray. While asking a few dozen Bulldogs in various stages of intoxication is not exactly what I would call a legitimate poll, for our purposes it may as well be. It nearly appears that the majority of Dawg fans are prepared to have a terrible team for the first few games if it means getting our star recruit in one year ahead of schedule. This is troublesome, to say the least. If the one thing this kid has above all else is solid leadership, the sentiments around the locker room and throughout Dawg Nation must be the same for this team to succeed: we need to support Cox as our quarterback.

Speaking of supporting our quarterbacks, I received quite a few nasty looks while standing in line at the concession stand and - perhaps a bit too loudly - exclaiming to my friend my not-so-positive feelings about Stafford. You see, ever since he took the field up 26 points against Georgia Southern and people were chanting his name in the stands I felt the guy was getting just a little too much. I feel like the best part about being a Georgia Bulldog is our tradition. That tradition seemingly went right out the window with Stafford, who just so happened to be on the television being interviewed by Herbstreit and company while I was trying to get my Beam mixer. Just got done watching that interview, hoping for another reason to despise Stafford or forgive him. Came away with nothing. Quite vanailla, actually. Good luck to you, Stafford. I apppreciate what you did for my school, but for some reason I hope that's the last time I see you in my stadium.

Quick note:: the running back situation did not seem to get any clearer. I'm much more concerned about our tailbacks than our quarterbacks. This is, after all, Georgia. Carlton Thomas seemed to have the best day, accumulating 59 yards on 8 rushes. Someone from this pack really needs to step up.

The most interesting part of the scrimmage? A Mark Fox sighting! It was impressive to see Fox introduced on the field, then lead our 4th quarter cheer. But what really got Fox the Sue's nod of approval was walking into the student section and grabassing with the fans. Nice work, Fox. I'm sure it was quite a sight to see forty thousand strong gathered for a spring day. We're happy to have you.

Uh, you know, you my, sweet little, HEARTBREAKER...

Predictibility Killed the Basketball Star

Other than anything involving college football, the NBA playoffs are my favorite sporting event of the year. Watching high quality basketball players perform at the highest level is, no homo, breathtaking to observe. Following two elite teams battle through a seven game series over a couple of weeks helps a basketball fan differentiate between a transcendant star (Jordan, TimmyD, LeBron) and a very good baller (KG, Malone, Dirk).

However, unlike most other playoff formats in sports, the NBA playoffs contain an element of overwhelming predictability that seems almost preordained. League parity and seeding oddities have rendered the NFL playoffs a shotgun wedding-style tournament to the point that during one weekend this past January, all four road teams were favored. The inherent nature of baseball has shown that anything can happen in small sample sizes, and the bevy of recent wild card World Series winners proves that. March Madness is called as such for a reason.

You rarely see these types of upset-laden brackets when it comes to the NBA playoffs, and I never really thought about that until recently. Even though the Hawks are a #4 seed, I have no expectations for them to advance beyond round two of the playoffs. Why? Well, because they're the Hawks. But would a Heat appearance in the Eastern Conference finals shock me or the rest of the NBA-loving universe? Probably not...but by looking at the numbers maybe it should.

I took a look at every conference finals matchup and NBA finals matchup since the 1991-1992 season and where each of the team's records ranked within their respective conferences. The results will shock and awe you. Unless you're a fan of the Celts, Cavs, Magic, or Lakers, then they'll just make you slappy happy.

**Note: We are ignoring seeding in this exercise and looking solely at ranking based on in-conference record.**

• The teams with the #1 and #2 best records in the conference appeared in 20 of the 34 conference finals since 1992; meaning 59% of the time, the best two teams in the conference held serve until the finals.
  

• Teams with the #1, #2, OR #3 best records comprised 63 out of the 68 teams in the conference finals. 96% of all conference finalists since 1992 have entered the playoffs as one of the top three teams in their conference. There have only been five conference finalists outside the Top 3: '94 Pacers (#5), '94 Jazz (#5), '95 Rockets (#6), '99 Knicks (#8) and '07 Jazz (#5).

• Since the lockout-shortened 1999 season, those 06-07 Jazz are the only non-Top 3 team to appear in a western conference finals.
  

• Looking at the NBA finals during this time, teams with the best record in each conference met in 6 of 17 finals (35%).
  

• Teams ranked #1 or #2 in their conference in met in the finals 13 out of 17 times (76%).

• And finally, pushing along the Top 3 trend, teams ranked #1, #2 or #3 in their conference met 15 out of 17 times in the finals (88%) and comprised 32 out of the most recent 34 NBA finals participants.
  

• What two teams outside their conference Top 3 made the finals during this time? Glad you asked, and there were definite considerations that make these cases unique. The '95 Rockets (#6) were the defending champions in the no-MJ era, and the '99 Knicks were a #8 seed in the lockout-shortened year. That veteran team absolutely benefitted by not having to run 30 additional regular season games.
  

On the other hand...

• Until last year (Lakers, Celtics, both #1s), two teams with best records in the conference hadn't made the NBA finals since 2000 (Lakers-Pacers)

• Until last year, a team with the best conference record hadn't even made the NBA finals since the 2002-2003 Spurs.
  

So what's the point of all this? Well, the NBA playoffs are predictable exercise, and I'd go as far as to say the NBA season as a whole is fairly predictable. Sure there's "what the hell" moments and seasons (the Suns/Sonics smallball revivals in 04-05 come to mind, as does that random year when a previously unknown ballhog named Flip Murray started averaging 20ppg out of the gate), but for the most part, you know what teams and players are going to be good. (Unrelated note: this is probably why I cant sustain any interest whatsoever in fantasy basketball)

There's a reason we have only seen 7 different franchises win NBA titles in the last 25 years (Celtics, Lakers, Pistons, Bulls, Rockets, Spurs, Heat). The king stays the king in the NBA, day-to-day, November-to-June, year-after-year. And I'm still pumped as hell to watch as much playoff action as I can, even if I know what's likely going to happen.

************IMPROMPTU BAWLIN' CAWLIN'*************************

As OBJ is busy doing what he can to sustain the natural selection experiment that is his workplace, I got the Cawlin' duties this evening. Don't worry, OBJ was still able to cherrypick his line first.

OBJ: Denver/Lakers OVER (209.5)

Friday: Philly (+6.5) over Chicago

Records:
We both holdin' it down at 14-7.

This Should Hold Me Over 'Til the NBA Playoffs

awe⋅some [aw - suhm] - adjective: See above.

The first couple of weeks of baseball season are fucking great. I don't care much for spring training, you saw how much we loved the WBC, but there's something about the start of the actual MLB season that just feels different.

Maybe it's the fact that these games are glorified exhibitions that actually count. The Pirates could start off 5-1, Edwin Encarnacion could have 9 homers by tax day, CC Sabathia could be placed on the DL after one start, and I really wouldn't be surprised, nor would it matter.

Along those lines, anything that happens in the early part of the season can't be trusted as sustainable for the long haul. Sure there are outliers like Albert Pujols rookie year or Cliff Lee's 2008 season, but it's best just to appreciate these first handful of games for what they are: the first baseball that counts in awhile. When you're bored to death watching the 90th showing of Baseball Tonight on a weeknight in June and all the highlights begin to run together, remember how refreshing it was to watch Opening Night, at least if you were a Braves fan.

And while we are here, five thoughts on the Braves.

1. You can't really start of a season much better than beating the World Series champs 4-0 and 4-1 in their park, and as I write this, they lead the Phillies 9-3 in the 6th inning. (UPDATE: Yeah, well let's just say were not breaking any new ground by saying the Braves middle relievers will be a question mark....also, why weren't Soriano and Gonzo used? If you're going to use them when you have a four run lead, why not use them when you're protecting a 1-2 run lead and your bullpen is throwing beachballs? A rare regular season brain fart from Bobby Cox.)

2. The starting pitching thus far has been outstanding, and it looked like Jair Jurrjens has gleaned something from Lowe, as he was inducing ground balls at a rate that I don't remember happening last season. The biggest question mark of the rotation, even bigger than Tom Glavine, hasn't pitched yet; so I will withhold judgment on just how good this rotation can be until I see our lil Mitsubishi-loving friend from the far east perform.

3. I didn't watch a lick of spring training, but I am vastly enjoying this new not-swinging-for-the-fences Jeff Francoeur. He's got enough natural power that his numbers in that category should be far from anemic if he's consistently making contact with the ball.

4. He's already hit his 2nd homerun and is getting on base at an insane clip, but here's hoping Cox resists the urge to put a rookie with half a season of AA experience in the leadoff hole. Here's also hoping that Schafer avoids a Francoeur-like downward spiral after a movie-script-start to his big league career.

5. In our annual over/under baseball preview (see below), we forgot to set an O/U on when Chipper would miss his first game due to injury. Safe bet that whoever took the under would have won.

6. Not sure who the "worn down by July" bullpen arm will bet just yet, but my early guess is this Eric O'Flaherty cat. Manny Acosta and Ken Ray would be proud.

And now, the gambling.

$50 per bet, these are O/Us set while briefly under the influence at Locos on Sunday night:

AJ Burnett: 45 Days on the DL
Over: Friday
Under: OBJ

Ken Griffey Jr.: .248 Batting Average
Over: OBJ
Under: Friday

Burnett/Sabathia: 28 wins
Over: OBJ
Under: Friday

(I don't understand how anyone can buy into this Burnett bidness. His stats last year weren't even that great.)

Dontrelle Willis: 1 win
N/A: Let's just say we both wanted the under.

Braves: 85 wins
Over: OBJ
Under: Friday

Derek Jeter: .285 Batting Average
Over: OBJ
Under: Friday

Andruw Jones: 12 Homeruns
Over: Friday
Under: OBJ

Casey Kotchman: 12 Homeruns
Over: Friday
Under: OBJ

(This is insane. Imagine two years ago that an O/U for Andruw Jones and Casey Kotchman homeruns would be the exact same. Sad for Andruw, sad this makes me feel old.)

Derek Lowe: 15 wins
Over: OBJ
Under: Friday

The Hatable Adam LaRoche: 25 Homeruns
Over: Friday
Under: OBJ

(Why hatable? Well, ignoring the fact that his .230 batting averages and perfect-timing K's polluted strong Braves lineups for a few too many years, his bringing up ADD upon making a crucial error and his occasional degradation of Braves fans ['If you booed me while I was struggling, don't cheer for me when I'm hitting well.' Really? Take your paycheck and go buy some Vagasil.] makes him no friend of Sue's.)

Manny Ramirez: 40 Homeruns
Over: OBJ
Under: Friday

Doc Halladay: 18 wins
Over: Friday
Under: OBJ

Casey Kotchman: 14 homeruns
Over: OBJ
Under: Friday

(Clearly, when you're making your second O/U bet on Kotchman's homerun total, and your BETS COMPLETELY DIFFER FROM YOUR PICKS AN HOUR PRIOR, it's time to call it a night. And the bartender agreed.)

Feel free to add any additional O/Us in the comment section. We'll be happy to put a Ulyesses on them as well.

Bawlin' Cawlin' 04-08-09

Anotha Cawlin'. Comin atcha.

Hey, hey! We're back with another installment of Bawlin' Cawlin' folks. Sorry for the layoff. In retrospect it was probably overly ambitious for us to think we could amass enough bets to total a team's season record while starting in flipping January.

Regardless, I've scoured the wire for news in the NBA, and there just isn't anything worth expounding on until the playoffs. Orlando's good, but they're not a contender. Orlando's a contender! Josh Smith needs to quit shooting 3's. Josh Smith's 3-point shooting was the real difference maker!

So, we'll just say that the playoffs are right around the corner, which means SJF is going to be owing me a baseball game and dinner real soon (not to mention the flow, ya'll). Playoff preview to come, and soon we'll be looking back at our preseason predictions to show you guys how awesome we are. It's a fucking FREIGHT TRAIN of ENJOYABLE READING riding up on your ASS, people!

Records
OBJ: 12-7
Joe Friday: 12-7

I don't know if it's the end of the season, or that we still have such a close record, but I'm sitting here more excited than a coked up teenager driving his drunk prom date back to the hotel. Let's ball!!

Today's Picks

OBJ 1: Washington (+16) over Cleveland

Sure, Washington is tied with Sacramento for the worst road record in the NBA at 5-33. And last week's home-crowd-fueled victory over the Cavs was an abominable freak of a fluke. But 16 points is an awful lot to give to someone who just lost to the team a week ago, even if the Wiz did get blown out by 14 points by Miami Saturday.

OBJ 2: Atlanta (PK) over Milwaukee

Ah, the beauty of picking first. I wish I could bet money that Joe Friday will try and take this one, too. But alas the only one crazy/stupid/degenerate/drunk enough to make such an insane bet would be...Joe Friday.

Joe Friday 1: Dallas (-3) over Utah

Joe Friday 2: Dallas/Utah OVER 208

Sports Flick Recap: The Mighty Ducks 2

Someone could be killed over an argument about what the greatest sports movie of all time is. And honestly, if I read it in the news it would completely make sense to me. More so than, say, oh I don't know, typical soul-stabbing killing stories.

I'm not going to go so far as to say Mighty Ducks, even when combined as a trilogy and looked at as a whole, is the greatest example of sports and cinema fucking to bare the child of a 'perfect sports movie ever.' But it's good. Damn good. MD I and MD III be damned (till later, of course), this is your Official Sue's Review of the Mighty Ducks 2, one of the best sports movies ever made.

Where were the assistant coaches throughout this whole thing?

Before we begin, let's go ahead and let it loose: even Sue's can't watch one of our favorite flicks of all time without just a wee bit of alcoholic encouragement. Or encouragement to drink alcohol, if you want me to be precise. So if you're bored as hell, nothing better to do, why don't you try the Runaround Sue's Mighty Ducks 2 Drinking Game? Mind you, we don't need to come up with some juvenile way of quickly getting intoxicated in order to enjoy this movie. Nobody does! We just wanted to.

Officially Licensed Runaround Sue's Mighty Ducks 2 Drinking Game

1. (+1) Every time a new player that was not in MD I appears, take one drink
2. (+1) When a player scores a goal (including playground scene and scene where Adam Banks scores in his driveway), take one drink.
3. (+1) Each time a new country is introduced during the tournament, take one drink
4. (+1) When the word "ducks" is spoken or read clearly in print, take one drink
5. (+2) If someone is able to point out a player from MD I that is not appearing in MDII, take two drinks
6. (+2) Every time there is an onscreen kiss, take two drinks
7. (+2) For every instance of old guy advice, take two drinks (Note: there can be several instances of old guy advice within one old guy monologue)
8. (+2) Each time there is a cringe-worth moment, take two drinks
9. (+3) For every celebrity sighting, take three drinks
10. (+3) When a player executes a Super Move, take three drinks
11. (+5) Each time Coach Bombay changes his hairstyle, take five drinks
12. (FINISH) Whenever Charlie shows solid leadership qualities, finish your drink

Speaking of good old Charlie Conway, is he not the Derek Jeter of the Mighty Ducks? Every time his team is getting down, Charlie is there to bump them up. When the Ducks need to be rallied for their World Goodwill Games appearance, Charlie's there to duck call every single one of those motherfuckers. Let's forget that at the end of the movie when every Minnesotan Duck states where he/she's from, they're spread out wider than a 200-pounder at a kegger knowing she's got a drunk guy drunk enough. Who cares if they skated all around St. Paul/Minnesota in about 5 minutes to gather together. Ducks fly to fucking together!

This kid's value to the team just can't be measured. Who was there when Coach Bombay started acting like a blond-bimbo-chasing hair-slicking douche? CHARLIE. Who was there to sacrifice his spot on the team when Banks miraculously healed from his broken wrist after 2 days? That's right. Fucking CHARLIE. This kid brings more intangibles to the Ducks than the entire fear factor edge carried by Iceland. You just TRY playing a drinking game that involves downing your drink when Charlie exhibits leadership.

I really like how the sponsors got so involved with the Goodwill Games that they chose and recruited the coach. Isn't there a committee for this? No? Either way the writers of this movie did an expert job of making the douche-ification of Bombay entirely his fault. Even though he was his normal nice guy self until the sponsor comes along, you never really blame the sponsors. You never look at the old guy and think, "hey. fuck you sponsor guy. leave Bombay to be the nice, hockey-playing-kid-at-heart guy he his." This is because Gordon becomes SUCH a douche, you don't mind that the corrupting sponsor leader is inexplicably having fun with the team before their climactic finale. Kudos to the writers...

...for the underhanded racism and stereotypes throughout the flick! First we have the team picking up their goalie at Goldberg's deli. Then we have a veritable feast of racial stereotypes that only pick up momentum throughout the movie:

• The ignorant-sounding trick skater from Texas, complete with dumb-looking dumbo ears, cowboy hat and cowboy rope. Everyone from Texas sounds like a hick!
• The street hockey playing kids from South Central who teach the Ducks about heart. Everyone that's black in a city is tough!
• The strikingly evil Iceland hockey team. Everyone from Iceland is either a hulking, blond, heavily-accented menace or a tall, blond, heavily-accented supermodel!
• The fast-as-lightning Louis Mendoza. Every Hispanic athlete is super-duper quick! Ariba ariba Undelay!
  
• The personal favorite of Sue's, the tie-dyed Trinidad team! Everyone from Trinidad plays bongos!

Forget the fact that both kids are "blowing" bubbles on Bombay's crotch to form perfect little bubble gum testicles. Check out those jerseys! It's like the look on Bombay's face is saying..."yeah, this movies racist as hell. But it's for kids!"

Speaking of Mendoza, did you notice he was in another all-time sports movie, the Sandlot? Sure he went by a different name then, Ben Rodriguez, but it's the same guy! Quick as motherfucker, and this time he's learned out to skate. Unfortunately, he didn't learn how to stop yet. Poor Benny.

Another quick note...is there any doubt that Coach Bombay - with his jeans, button-up and tie - went on to parlay his experience dealing with the temptations of lucrative sponsorships into a successful advertising career?

This is a good time to reveal IMDB's review of The Mighty Ducks 2:

"I love this movie and the other two movies in this series. I believe that it is the best of the series b/c it was a lot lighter than the other two. My favourite part might have been in the end when everyone is around the campfire and they burst into a horrible version of "We Are The Champions." Though it was horrible it was hilarious and very cocky. I'm sure all of us would break into this song after beating everyone in the world in hockey....though it's hard to believe Canada didn't kick Americas asses. I am a fan of Queen also and I believe this movie may have had a great deal with that as well.As a girl I have to say that when I was ten this was the first movie that I saw boys for more than just stupid pricks. If you want to be a kid again watch this movie and enjoy but don't bash it b/c it wasn't made to entertain teenagers and adults. (sic, sic, sic, etc.)"

How insightful. My respect for IMDB just plunged from about a 9.9 to 8.6. Don't you have anyone moderating this garbage? Hey, IMDB. If you want someone to get an accurate review of D2...send 'em to Sue's!

Biggest fuck up of the movie?

This one's gotta be a tie. Julie bitches about her playing time the entire movie, but when she finally gets her shot at some PT she gets ejected from the game by attacking an opposing player. WHAT GIVES, JULIE? I thought you wanted to show your STUFF. I thought you wanted to prove you were a DUCK. Instead, when you have the national stage all to yourself against the top-seeded team in the world, you puss out before the game even starts. Turns out you were just a lame duck (apologies).

Then again, the biggest mistake probably game from CGB. Bombay had a chance to ice the favorites for the championship game (pun intended!). When he's doing his one-on-one thing against the Iceland coach, the bastard nails him in the back of the knee as hard as he can. You're telling me he couldn't have pressed charges against this guy? He would've had to spend at least a day in jail for assault and battery. DUMBSHIT. He was already familiar with the rules of the coaches not showing up for games, so we know that if he had filed a police report the Iceland team would've had to have been coached by the nice-then-evil blond bombshell. WAY TO DROP THE PUCK, BOMBAY!

One last point...where the fuck did Iceland find this coach, anyway? Fucking PRISON? This guy interrupts a press conference to say America (thick Iceland voice) "will not win anything, that's what they're going to do," shows up at the Ducks' last practice and pops their beach ball (while saying [thick Icleand voice] get your ice rats off the rink) in what has to be the best part of the movie - and one of the unintentionally funniest scenes to revisit ever - then subsequently tries to break CGB's knee and blames his players for the loss. This guy has GOT to be in the top three Sports Movie Villains of all time, but we'll save that list for another time.

Next up: Mighty Ducks I

Top College Basketball Coaches (Today)

With the Final Four approaching and Georgia’s search for a head basketball coach moving forward with all the momentum of a coked-up model toward a Double Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese, it seems like a good time to discuss college basketball coaches.

No, not the coaches that might actually be offered or accept the Georgia job, as that would make too much sense for a Dawg Blawg. Plus, it appears that the job is Mike Anderson’s to reject, with Jeff Capel and Jamie Dixon being darkhorses for a sweet payday courtesy of Damon Evans and Co. Personally, I really like Xavier’s Sean Miller, but you can’t go wrong with any of the above names.

Hopefully, Georgia’s next coach can rise to the elite level occupied by coaches in the list below. In my lifetime, Georgia has only had one such coach that could be considered elite, Tubby Smith, and he never really hit that level until he left Athens for Lexington and promptly won a title with Rick Pitino’s players. I’ll take a quality football program over a good basketball team 865 days per year, but I've got to admit I am a bit jealous around this time of the year of the schools that have these guys as coaches:

(Ultimately irrelevant criteria for list: “Who are the best coaches in college basketball right now?” “If you could have any coach in the country to coach your team next year, who would the top choices be?” Recent performance is weighted more heavily, but tournament success is viewed as the end-all-be-all, as it is how the top coaches are separated from 2^nd or 3^rd tier guys.)

10. Jim Boeheim, Syracuse - Yeah, he’s had a third of a century to pimp his resume, and his one ring came during the greatest one-and-done season in college ball history, but 800 wins and three final fours stamps your ticket to the hall of fame. Kids like to play for a legend, and this man is Syracuse basketball.

9. Ben Howland, UCLA – Brought success back to Pitt and has established a recruiting dominance not seen in LA since the Wooden years. May not have a ring, yet, but you can’t fade three final fours in a row.

8. John Calipari, Mempucky – Two lines of thought on this greaseball. On one hand, dude has built programs at friggin’ UMASS and Memphis into elite basketball powers, bringing both programs to the final four. On the other hand, he’s got no rings, just a small handful of deep tourney runs in 21 seasons and has amassed a slew of wins against not-exactly-powerhouse Atlantic 10 and Conference USA competition. Therefore, his impending move to Kentucky will seal his fate as to how he is remembered as a college basketball coach. Fail there and he’ll be coaching Colorado to Sweet 16s in ten years. Win a title or two, and he will reach Pitino status in the commonwealth.

7. Billy Donovan, Florida – He has two dominant titles (more than all but one of the coaches above him on this list), and the first back-to-back run since those loaded Duke teams in the early 90s. For that, he will be Florida basketball for as long as he wants. And that’s fine, because outside of those two titles, his resume consists of NIT appearances and early-round tourney flameouts…and nobody in Gainesville gives a shit. Is there any surprise he wants no part of that Kentucky gig?

6. Coach K, Duke – By far and away the most accomplished coach in college basketball today. Three titles, a whopping TEN final fours, and 11 ACC championships. However, as has been pointed out, Duke has fallen the fuck off in recent years. I blame their seemingly concerted effort to target every top white recruit in America. What happened to the Duke teams of Elton Brand, C-Boozer, Jay Williams, William Avery, etc.? The Shavlik Randolphs, Josh McRoberts and Greg Pauluses of the world ain’t cutting it anymore. Unfortunately, I’m not sure Coach K has learned his lesson either. I was watching the McDonald’s HS All-American Slam Dunk contest last night, when some goofy white kid threw down a two-handed jam while flailing through the air as if he was doing the Elaine dance from Seinfeld. Where is ole boy headed to school next year? No doubt.

5. Bill Self, Kansas – Gotta admire a man that can climb the coaching ladder from Oral Roberts to Tulsa to Illinois to Kansas in a decades time. Top notch recruiter, already has been to five elite 8s, and took only a few seasons to do what Roy Williams never could and win a title in Kansas.

4. Rick Pitino, Louisville – The head greaseball in college basketball, narrowly edging out Calipari and Donovan. A great coach to be sure, and those mid-90s Kentucky teams were arguably the most fun to watch (and in, a bizzaro way, so were the Celtics teams where he tried to use the same full-court tactics that worked at UK) of my lifetime, but let’s be real. We’re going on 14 years since his one and only college title. Still, at the end of the day, you hire Pitino, you know your program is in good hands for years to come.

3. Tom Izzo, Michigan State – He’ll get no shortage of love from the media this week, so I’ll keep it short: 5 final fours in the last 11 seasons, a ring and 24 wins per season. All of his four year players have played in a final four. All impressive, but my favorite Izzo stat is that he has been to eight sweet 16s in 14 years as a head coach. For more than half of his coaching career, his teams have reached the Sweet 16. That’s nuts. And yet, I’m still glad he didn’t take the Hawks job.

2. Jim Calhoun, UCONN – Like a damn movie. Brings a program from a prolonged period of embarrassment to the pre-eminent sports entity in the state, wins a couple of titles along the way, sends dozens of players to the pros, beats cancer for good measure, and is back at another final four. Of course, this could also be the point in the movie where it all begins to unravel before one final championship run. Stay tuned.

1. Roy Williams, UNC – If all coaches were free agents, I’d want the white Roy-Dub at the helm for the Hoop Dawgs next year. Finally got the championship monkey off his back, recruits NBA talents by the boatload, runs a clean program and has dominated what most experts contend is the best conference since his arrival. His winning percentage is good for third all-time and he’s been to seven final fours, second only to Coach K. And unlike Coach K, he’s still at the top of his game.

And with that, I can go ahead and admit this was all just a convoluted measure to predict UNC over UCONN in the Final Four. Fuck brevity.

WBC in the 213

It appears the U.S. squad, in fact, did not have the Wright (1-5, RBI 3ks) stuff for this game

Apologies for the weak ass play on words above, but let's get Wright to it. Betcha didn't think we could squeeze another WBC post out, didja? Well, after the endless requests for some final thoughts, we gave in to our passionate fans (Suesaholics? We'll get back to you on that one).

"But OBJ," you might ask, "why wait until the interest level in the WBC has dropped significantly before posting this half-assed recap?" To which I would reply, what interest level!

The view.

So the handsome half of your intrepid reporters from Sue's popped into LA and peeped the semifinals match between Japan and the USA. Hell, if the other games weren't being broadcast, I wasn't about to take a chance with this one! The first thought I certainly want to share with you is...everyone showed up incredibly late. Not that I'm denigrating the denizens of the City of Angels, mind you. Hell we didn't even show up until the 2nd inning. But look how empty those seats were, and that's a good third of the way through the game. Must have been that famous LA traffic, no?

As some of you know and most of you probably don't, the game actually started out quite well. A Brian Roberts (1-5, HR, 2 ks) home run had America up 1-nill through the first, and after David Wright doubled in Jimmy Rollins (4-4, R, BB) in the third, it looked like the boys in red and blue would be giving us our money's worth. I was starting to think that Matsuzaka San's luck (he's unbeaten, you know) in the Classic was about to change. Then came a fourth inning that stunk worse than a burning house filled with rotting dog carcases covered in feces. Basically it stunk worse than Godfather III.

Other than the stupid hot girl sitting next to me (you know who you are!),
this was the last positive image from the game

So after the 3rd inning I decide to investigate the accuracy of my buddy's "I got the hooks-ups!" claims with regards to concessions at Dodger Stadium. The lines were abysmal, but in the end we got enough food to feed a family - or a kinda-hungry Houstonian -not to mention a few rounds of brew. Note: if you can avoid paying $11 for 16 oz. beers at a sporting event, Always. Do This. Mad dap to Edwin for backing up his claims. Always cool when you can score $50+ worth of snackies because you know the manager of Dodger concessions. On a related note, because everyone is dying to know...Dodger Dogs? Terribly overrated. I had good feelings about it, too. Kinda felt like I scored the girl I was eye-balling for years, only to find out between the sheets she was about as useful as a pitchfork when it came to sex. Or a hermaphrodite. Whichever seems like a bigger disappointment to you.

In any case I missed the entire fourth inning and was faced with that eternal, "What if I had stayed in my seats?! Maybe it would have been different!" dilemma that sports fans always seem to face. For the record, I don't regret leaving my seats. If the only way the Creamed Team can win is by me avoiding loads of free food and drinks, the fuck 'em.

By the end of the inning it was 6-2 Japan, Roy-O was looking like shit, and Daisuke's streak was looking pretty damn safe. I still thought the US had a shot, of course, but it really took the gusto out of everyone in the stands, not to mention those still walking to their seats.

You can't see, but he's looking down at his Katana sword, preparing to slice an American flag right off it's little wooden stick. Just kidding! That was merely a horrible fucking metaphor!

The rest of the game was fairly uneventful. Ryan Braun (1-4, R, k) and Brian McCann (0-1, R, 3 BB) both scored in the top of the 8th, but any enthusiasm and belief in a comeback was more than offset by Japan's 3 runs later in the inning. There wasn't much else to do except take in the wonder that is Derek Jeter in a baseball uniform. Sure, I've seen him in advertisements and during telecasts, but seeing him live? In person? It was like what it must have been like to see Michelangelo paint the Sistine Chapel. Like seeing George Washington lead troops into battle. Wilt Chamberlain picking up a chick. Like seeing the Keebler elves bake some goddamn cookies, ya'll. Do you see those BUNS? Perfection personified. That is the only way to describe the goosebumps-filled moments of a Jeter moment. I can now tell my grandchildren I saw one of the greatest - if not THE greatest - human being to ever live.

Even from our seats, you could really see the spectre of
godliness surrounding the anomaly that is JETAH

The best moment of the game? Let me draw you a picture...while it was Japan and the US playing in the game, I saw more colors of various countries than I could count. It was clear from the ethnic and racial diversity amongst the fans sporting their colors that it's no wonder Americans have little passion for the WBC - the excitement's all being horded by fans of other countries. However, sitting in the front row of our section was a family of about 6-8 of Hispanic decent. Clearly there were a few members of the fammo that hadn't quite perfected English, but were definitely using it with enthusiasm every chance they got. The kicker? They were all clad in red, white and blue, cheering the hell out of the US boys. Being that this is somewhat of a sensitive topic area - especially considering recent events - let's just say that it's endearing and reassuring to see first and second-generation Americans really getting behind the team and taking pride in the US squad. For some reason I can't say anymore about this at the risk and fear of sounding racist.

This is what it's all about...or, will be. Y'know, in three years.

Tailgaiting on Northside Drive Ain't as Bad as it Sounds, Maybe

Lump don't care where the game played

Should the Georgia-Florida game move to a "home-and-home" game, alternated between the Georgia Dome and Jacksonville?

It's the age old question, and seemingly every UGA blogger has weighed in with a resounding "FUCK NO!" Allow me to play devils advocate for a minute, and feel free to pull our UGA blogger card. I do believe we can get a bit more mileage out of the WBC.

I am all for the GA-FL game switching to an Atlanta-Jacksonville format. And it is for completely selfish reasons.

I'm not a Hartman Fund donor. I have lived in either Athens or Atlanta for 90% of my life. I hate driving more than four hours at a time.

So that might impact where I'm coming from. But i'm sorry, I just don't get the whole "WE DON'T LOSE BECAUSE OF THE LOCATION" talk. If you're willing to admit that location does not play a factor in the outcome of the game, why does it matter if the game moves to Atlanta every other year? Do you truly believe that the current setup doesn't feel like an away game to those UGA players? I'm not saying that's the reason UGA loses 4/5 games, but "the plane ride from Athens is as long as a bus ride from Gainesville" talk is ludicrous. See if Gator fans would be saying the same if the game was played in Atlanta.

Oh, you want to get into the whole "THERE ARE UGA FANS IN SOUTH GEORGIA TOO" talk? Fair enough. Unfortunately, Athens, Georgia is located in the northeast corner of the state. UGA should not play their biggest rival in their backyard simply because of its' ideal proximity to a certain portion of UGA fans. If having GA/FL in Jacksonville means so much to South Georgia fans, they'll still be able to experience the beauty of greater Jacksonville...just every other year. I'd rather move the University to Milledgeville than decide to play Florida in Jax every year just to keep St. Simons boosters placated.

"TAILGATING IN ATLANTA/THE DOME SUCKS...HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE VINE CITY MARTA STATION!?!!" Yes, it does suck. And yet, for some reason, SEC and ACC teams are tripping over themselves for the opportunity to play their season opener here in the A. This is the biggest joke of a point ever. People will find a way to drink beer outside before a fucking football game. Pissed you'll have to pay $20 for parking (because those good lots near Alltel are practically free, right?)...well, think about all the money you'll be saving by not driving seven hours to Jax or having to stay in some motel 10+ miles away from the stadium. Yes, that's right, Atlanta would actually have luxury accommodations within walking distance of the Georgia Dome. But please, feel free to expound on the beauty of viewing the St. James River while sitting in 5mph traffic on Saturday morning at 10a.m.

"WE LOSE OUR PRESENCE IN FLORIDA/SOUTH GEORGIA!" Not really. We'll still be playing in Jax every other year. Call me crazy, but I don't think Georgia's innate ability to get our ass stomped by Florida in Jax most every year has the Champ Baileys and Aaron Murrays of the world drooling over the Dawgs. I trust Coach Richt in every aspect of recruiting. Pulling GA/FL out of Jacksonville every other year won't cost us any recruits.

By the way, greater Atlanta is a hotter recruiting hotbed than SouthGA/Northern FL. Fact. Just sayin'.

You've heard the other arguments. If these neutral games are SO GREAT why the hell aren't other teams doing them? Would UT or Auburn ever play us in Atlanta? Would we ever play LSU in Mobile? Fuck and no.

Would we look like pussies moving the game to a home-and-home? WHO FUCKING CARES? There is a whole generation of Auburn fans that don't even remember they used to play Bama at Legion Field in Birmingham. I don't mean to make you feel old, but that's how quick a "tradition" can change. If you, as a Georgia fan, are that worried about how you would be viewed by Gator fans (the only other people who even give a shit about this possibility), then you are guilty of the same mental block that you claim our players are when facing Florida.

There are two reasons to keep the game in Jacksonville exclusively. One is if you are a Hartman Fund donor, and you want easier access to tickets. Word. That's legit. The other is for tradition. If you're still following sports for tradition, I suggest a second hobby. Money drives this game, and both Universities, Georgia and Florida, are going to make the most economically pleasing deal, as they always have. Worrying about anything else is a waste of time.