You Can't WBC Me!

Sue's contacted John Cena to co-brand the You Can't WBC Me message,
but he was too busy preparing for Wrestlemania.

I remember watching the Spice channel as a young teen. Mind you, all I was truly doing was listening to the Spice channel, whilst staring at a distorted picture...that may show a boob every now and then! Oddly - yet deeply and undeniably - satisfying. Now, as a hormone-drenched adolescent this reference may seem extreme. Perhaps confusing. A bit crude. But if I had an interest in offing my rocks as an adult, attempting this same deplorable act of self-help? Then you have tonight's elimination game between Puerto Rico and USA.

And if you look reeeeeeal closely...you can see an ass. Or a colander.
Then again it kinda looks like a Dog in a Bathtub.

Now, I'm sitting here, trying to watch the game, as NO DOUBT COUNTLESS OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE are. And what do I get? I get to watch on Gamecast! I get to wait for a tiny computer generated baseball to appear from an empty computer generated pitcher's mound and wait for the stats to update. Really, MLB? David Wright says this is the greatest baseball moment of his life. You're trying to capture the imagination of the world with this thing, through moments like this, and the most prominent presence of Major League talent is blacked the fuck out? Forget, for a moment, that it's the United States baseball team. Let me put aside my bias of wanting to watch my home team, in a global contest constructed by the commissioner of a league that was created and exists in my country. How's about we simply look at plain old common sense. You want people to be interested in this, yes? People in China, Sweden, Afghanistan, Iraq (now I'm feeling like P. Diddy), etc. to want to watch? I'm assuming you didn't create this Classic just for your own amusement...and if you did, MAD FUCKING DAP, ASSHOLES.

But if you did create this to garner interest from the rest of the world...and you know for a fact that the world doesn't watch any baseball as much as it watches MLB, why wouldn't you put the team with arguably the most amount of relevant, top-of-their game (Sue's be eyeballing you Pedro. Pudge.) players from MLB on television? You aren't receiving enough money to broadcast it on ESPN? Pull a Clippers and PAY SOMEONE TO AIR THAT SHIT. People want to watch the USA play, guys. It doesn't matter who played in tonight's game, everyone in the world that cares about baseball would've found it of interest. The fact that it was the US coming back in the bottom of the ninth makes it compelling to millions across the globe. This is bullshit.

Instead of watching this awesome game, I was watching computer graphics, all the while texting SJF with "scoring" updates. A quick recap of the game reveals that it had, oh I don't know, just a few plays that maybe would have made this the most interesting game to watch thus far in the '09 Classic:

Diving narrow-escape safe-at-the-plate score by Wright? McCann HR robbed by an incredible catch by Beltran? Slobber-knocked bomber by Yook to left center? Goofy inexplicable play with a ball bouncing off the runner (Victorino) at second? Bottom of the ninth one out walk with the bases loaded (nice steal, Victorino! Why am I afraid that your name tells me you're going to be playing for Columbia next year? Does that make me racist? Who knows!) to get the U.S. within one before Wright hits the game-tying/winning single to score two punctuated by the type of impressive American pile-up in the middle of the field worthy of a goose neck on the highway (Dap to the Americans' camaraderie!)? "What a finish! says Linda Cohen. Great, fuck stick. Why wasn't it on?

Oh, I know why. Because East Lansing was playing Oregon in the NIT. Of FUCKING COURSE!! Because everyone is celebrating St. Patty's Day and wants to get hammered enough at the bar to aimlessly watch crappy college basketball and pretend to care! I kid it was UNLV vs Kentucky, but does it really matter?

Sue's has stated over and over and once again the malcontent so obviously evident in not ensuring that the most compelling team - not only to Americans but likely to the rest of the world - is aired on television. So I'm 'gonna go ahead and say it, WBC (I know you're reading this). If you don't have the rest of the US squad's games televised, and continue to jerk me by making me jerk it to nothing but sound and a squiggly screen, I'm not following after this Classic.

Legal Disclaimer: Sue's does not apologize for any misdirected feelings of offense stemming from allegedly perceived offense to metaphors that may, or may not contain slight instances of graphic hyperbole.