Running around to Give you the Reacharound
The Blog Days of Summer Set to Return
With the NBA playoffs winding down (read: only lasting another month), we are dangerously close to the worst time of the year for sports fans. With only baseball playing relevant games, in about a month we'll have to deal with seemingly the same sports highlights every single day. Vladimir Guerrero's injured? Set to return next Thursday? Wait. Didn't that just happen last week?
On a day that UGA Super Scrubs Tony Cole and Quincy Carter once again stole the headlines, it slowly started to dawn on me that I should preemptively begin monitoring my emotional stability. It is very possible that the wait between the NBA playoffs and the first kickoff of the College Football season will drive me to depression...or worse, drive me to start watching House.
In the interest of our readers, I propose that we tackle the overwhelming sense of emptiness we will inevitably encounter through suffering a void of compelling sports action before it happens. So, without further delay, a list of things to do while you're waiting for Alabama and Virginia Tech to get it going in the Georgia Dome.
1. Start a sports blog. It's fucking GREAT! You get to sit in your mom's basement, or wherever your comfort zone happens to be, and lay out your thoughts and feelings about whatever topic you wish, only to have other faceless Internet addicts belittle your opinions and reduce you to putting up nonsensical lists with which nobody could possibly hope to disagree. Do this NOW!
2. Devise the ultimate prank. If you can conjure up anything close to the infamous Yankee Stadium Wedding Proposal, or even the less-lauded but still impressive Maryland Halftime Shot, you are forever remembered as a god and celebrated for taking assholishness to a whole new level. Currently the best that Friday and I could come up with was creating an email account 'for' our friend's mother, only to have 'her' send disturbing emails to all of his friends about explicit sexual promiscuity and group-wide exchanging of bodily fluids. We still have a ways to go, no doubt.
3. Go to Vegas. Anybody that stays in Vegas for more than 3 days either has a death wish or has hopes and dreams of becoming a showgirl. Too bad for either parties. But with roughly 11 weekends between the end of the NBA season and the beginning of College Football, you have at least 2 separate Vegas trips in you. Worried about not being able to bet on any relevant sports while you're there? FEAR NOT. A buddy of mine put a hundred dollars on 10-1 odds in a smoke ring blowing contest, and won. If you can't get pumped about shit like this and forget the empty vacuum that is the sports landscape for a few days, it's already too late.
4. Get good at some shit. It's two and a half months. In that time, you could become an excellent swimmer. You could learn to cook like 7 stellar dishes. You could attempt to play pool sober to combat the conditioned learning you've been putting yourself through for the past 10 years. You'll never again have to ponder, "Why do I only make shots when I'M FUCKING HAMMERED?
5. Date. Sure, sure. Dating sucks. But you know what sucks even more? Being FUCKING ALONE. If you're new to this, allow me to give you some advice. You're going to go through, say, some "rough patches." This isn't to say that while you're driving down that dirt road there isn't a superhighway directly in front. You just have to focus on the road, and stop paying attention to the slutty, overweight mistake smelling like chips and salsa and going down on you in the front seat. Wait. What?
Note: Option Number 5 and Option Number One have a strong negative correlation based on success. In fact, they may quite possibly be mutually exclusive.
6. Find new and interesting ways of using the Snuggie. No, seriously. We need more of this. More of idiot assholes trying to commit robbery by concealing themselves in a Snuggie. More shortsighted teenagers (18 and up!) attempting sexual congress within the same Snuggie ultimately resulting in the amputation of a body part. Continue this trend, and we may be able to save some poor bastard from one day thinking it's cool to throw a Snuggie party, hence destroying his self-worth and the respect of his peers for the remainder of his life.
7. Try something totally new! Bungee jumping? Marathon running? Not being a total dick? It's ALL on the table! Sue's respective suggestion would be the Cincinnati Bow tie, the Birmingham Booty Call or the Rusty Trombone. EAT SHIT old tired ass experiences. New experiences RULE.
8. Go fishing. Have you ever done this before? The point of the exercise is to remain as quiet as possible and hold a stick...and wait. It is UNAVOIDABLE that you will get better at this the drunker you get. The positive correlation between getting so fucking blasted that the neural passageways that connect thought and speech in your mind don't even recognize each other anymore and having a successful fishing trip are MIND BLOWING. "Hey honey! I didn't catch a goddamn thing, but I got so drunk I got the hook stuck in my penis and had to get 30 stitches!" All in all, you've gotta call that a success.
9. Plant a tree. For all the crazies out there, the following comes strictly from Joe Friday: Plant a tree, and do your part to shut the green-loving hipster liberal douchebags the fuck up.
10. Read a book. About sports, of course.
Get to it, kids!