Runaround Sue's

Einstein's Definition of Insanity

2011-10-27T21:57:00.002-04:00

I haven't anticipated a Cocktail Party as much as I have Saturday's in years.

Analysis of this game is everywhere on the internet at this point, and has been for two weeks. Also on the internet, as there have been for years now, are impassioned defenses from the entrenched Dawgosphere (all of whom are excellent writers and must-reads during the first hour and a half of work each day) on why this game should be kept in Jacksonville. Other than a couple of comments here and there on those sites as to why the game should move from Jax, I have yet to see a definitive post on anywhere in favor of moving the game from Jax each season. Allow me to provide one.

(Note: I realize this is not priority #1 prior to the game. However, there is plenty of actual analysis out there. I just wanted to post this now, while it is topical, as it will remain my stance regardless of Saturday’s outcome.)

First, Who I Am:

· I am a 2005 graduate of the Grady College of Journalism and Mass Communications.

· My freshman year at Georgia co-incited with Mark Richt's first season at the helm, 2001.

· I have been watching Georgia football since the Goff years (not saying this is a long time...just painting a picture of where this argument is coming from).

· The thought of Erk Russell and/or Herschel Walker does NOT make me soil myself, tho I must admit, that ESPN Herschel doc was pretty damn cool and gave me the chills quite a few times.

· I realize that Mike Adams and our Athletic Directors are always going to do what is in the best financial interest of the University, and if that means holding the game in Atlanta, Jacksonville, the Everglades or even Gainesville every year, they will do so.

There seems to be a divide among Georgia fans on this issue. Those who attended the University pre-2000 are wholly in favor of keeping the game in Jacksonville, while those who attended during the Richt years would like to see some sort of a home-at-home (ATL-JAX or Athens-Gainesville) set up. The pre-2000s are passionate regarding this issue, usually for the reasons outlined below.

After each of their reasons is my retort. I have yet to see logical responses to these retorts, either on the internet, or from older UGA grads in person. Any and all comments are welcome.

Reason #1: “We played just fine in Jacksonville under Dooley!”

Retort: Yes, that is true. However, once upon a time Army and Navy were relevant college football programs. Notre Dame was a powerhouse. Joe Paterno actually coached Penn State. Times change. This line of thinking, as well as the constant nostalgia over plays, players and coaches from 30 years ago, is borderline pathetic…again, see Notre Dame. Florida was a completely different program back then. The demographics and high school programs in the state of Florida were different than they are today. Ditto for college football as a whole. Trotting out this logic would be like a Pittsburgh Pirates fan pointing out their dominance over the Atlanta Braves in the 70s and 80s and expecting that to hold true today.

Reason #2: “Richt’s record in road games is just fine…it’s not the venue…it’s Florida!”

Retort: Again, you are correct. Most years, Florida is the best (read: most talented) team that Georgia will play. Richt’s excellent road record has been compiled largely against teams where UGA has a talent advantage. Why a seemingly intelligent person would deem it logical to play a game one hour away from an opponent’s home stadium - a game that UF travels to by bus, and Georgia travels to by plane - and call it a neutral site game is beyond me. Why are we giving this advantage, however miniscule, away to a team that, most years, is more talented than Georgia? Why are we splitting the tickets 50/50 every season to, by and large, a more talented program? How does this make sense? Even if you stubbornly insist that the game is neutral, you are still taking away a home field advantage every other year in a game where UGA usually has inferior talent.

Reason #3: “It’s mental. Florida is just in our head! We just need to come out and GATA. SHOW THESE 19 YEAR OLDS SOME ERK RUSSELL CLIPS!”

Retort: I am sure it is somewhat mental. Georgia players probably do press more against Florida, they probably do feel like it’s a bigger game each year than the Florida players do. If one would agree that it is mental, and our players need to overcome this mental block, why not change something, anything (besides uniforms, of course) about this matchup to give the players a sense that they can own this series. A memorable end zone celebration can only hold up for so long. Every Florida fan I know (admittedly, again, in my age group) views this game as Georgia coming down to their region, getting whupped, and heading back to Athens with their tails between their legs. If Florida fans don’t even view this as a truly neutral site, why should we? You know there is not one Florida fan that would want to play this game in Atlanta every year.

Reason #4: We are throwing a bone to the south Georgia UGA fans.

Retort: I’m sorry, but this is irrelevant. The University of Georgia is located in Athens, Georgia, which happens to be located in the northeast region of the state. I cannot think of any other instance where a college sports team plays a game in a locale hundreds of miles away from their campus in order to appease a fan base in a different portion of the state. In addition, any talk of building a recruiting presence in south Georgia via this matchup being held in Jacksonville is negated by the fact that this series has been nothing but a Georgia curbstomping spanning the duration of every current and recent recruit’s time here on Earth.

Reason #5: We would look like giant pussies if we moved the game to a home-at-home.

Retort: Ironically, the most asinine reason for keeping the game in Jax also doubles as the one sliver of regret I’d have if the game moved. Look, nobody wants to look like a punk. However, let’s say you’re in a bar fight. The other guy, simply bigger and stronger than you, is beating your ass, punching you in the gut, throwing you to the floor, kicking you in the head. Every one punch you land is met with six of his. You’ve exhausted every ounce of effort and strength. Your friends are gone. Are you going to stay there, allowing him to beat you senselessly while you struggle to avoid injury and remain conscious, or are you going to attempt to get the hell out of there, admit defeat, and walk/crawl/run to safety? Would we get crap from UF fans if the series switched to alternating sites? Yeah, maybe, possibly, who cares? At the end of day, college football fans are always going to talk shit to each other, so just add this to the list. Do you know any Alabama fans that are still hung up on the Iron Bowl not being in Birmingham anymore? If so, my condolences.

This debate reached its nadir in 2008 when many a pre-2000 Georgia fan/blogger said “if we win this year, we will be 3-2 in our last 5 games…so much for that advantage!” That, combined with “UF did come to Athens in 1995…and look how that turned out!” might be the only two examples of bloggers actually resorting to small sample sizes to prove a point. We now have a whole generation’s worth of evidence to show that this series is lopsided in favor of Florida. Is Jacksonville THE reason Georgia is losing six out of seven games to Florida? No. Is Jacksonville one of the many advantages that Florida carries coming into this matchup every year? I believe so. If this is something that the University can change to the possible benefit of our football program, then I believe it stands to reason that this change is worth a shot. Or, we can just show the team some Erk Russell vids, tell them to GATA, and eventually stumble across back-to-back W’s in this increasingly frustrating rivalry.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a brutal 7-hour drive ahead of me.

Sightseeing 10/26

2011-10-27T18:45:00.002-04:00

Wing Ding is an exclusive party hosted annually by a dear friend. Friends and family gather around "The Pit" for a massive overindulgence of all things merry. The menu is an overwhelmingly long list of smoked animals, oyster bar, open-flame-cook-your-own steaks, innumerable wings, and an all night smoking of jerky (for those who want breakfast in the morning.) You would be lucky to make it to your tent when pass out time comes around. For such a splendid event, in inordinately large amount of firewood is consumed. This is where I come in. As entrance fee for the good time, I am among the privileged few who are tasked with splitting so much wood. As such, I missed every college football game last Saturday and this week's safari will stick strictly to the NFL.

More wood than a gay pride parade

The Falcons put together a consistently good game against the Lions. One thing stood out and I'm surprised the TV announcer didn't make note of it. Matt Ryan scores a rushing touchdown and Svitek (playing for injured LT Baker) clearly stomps on a defense-man's hand. I do not tolerate poor sportsmanship well. Punching, grabbing, eye-gouging are types behavior that are common in the chaotic pile and most always go unnoticed. One may say that football is an aggressive sport and players are just trying gain any advantage they can. Unsportsmanlike conduct is bad form. I hope that someday referees can start officiating this better. I would favor more ejections seeing as you literally have to assault another player to evoke this penalty.

Drew Brees threw more touchdowns than he did incompletions. Colts may be involved in the Suck for Luck game and that defense gave up half way through the 2nd quarter. Still, he threw 35 passes, completed 31 of them with 5 going for touchdowns. BOW DOWN!

Speaking of worship, Tebow seems to be the talk of the town. You can read great perspective here. He always does just enough to get the victory. The majority of the game was prolly the worst quarterbacking performance in the history of quarterbacking yet he rallies in the 4th to get the win. In the closing minutes he throws accurate passes, rushes for touchdowns, and turns water into wine. I think this may be Tim Tebow's world and we are lucky he lets us live in it.

What I want to see next week:

A 28 point bulldog lead at the end of the 3rd quarter. A football season wedding will prevent my viewing of the 4th quarter. (That's unsportsmanlike conduct)

Pujols. Discuss.

2011-10-24T23:12:00.003-04:00

Allow me to put on my troll hat for a second. Two weeks ago, prior to the star of this unequivocally great World Series, by buddy Ed and I were discussing Albert Pujols impending free agency. With both the Yankees and the Red Sox stacked with 1B/DH types, it appears that Pujols' suitors will be the second tier of big name franchises: the incumbent Cardinals, the Cubs, Angels, Mets, Dodgers, and perhaps even his current nemeses Rangers.

Pujols has always been an odd case. He came to the majors in 2001, immediately mashed, and proceeded to put up an unprecedented resume during his first 10 years in the show. However, in this age of advanced stats and implied cynicism, Pujols was viewed as almost a risk this offseason. As white writers are to do regarding latino ballplayers, his age (31) is being brought into question. His still absurd production (.305/.392/.567 the last two years) has fallen off in comparison to the rest of his career (.328/.420/.617).

Moreso than anything else, watching Alex Rodriguez languish (.241/.349/.379) over the least two years while bringing home $55 million have made GM's and fans weary of spending mass amounts of scrilla on a player that while great, may be making two or three times his actual worth halfway and during the latter part of his contract. And lets not forget...unlike the Yankees, the Cardinals do not have unlimited capital to spend on the rest of their roster. Every dollar Pujols take is a dollar that cannot be spent to upgrade the weak bottom third of their lineup, their patchwork rotation or their bullpen.

So anyway, let's say Pujols and the Cardinals capture their second World Series title in the last six seasons. Who has more leverage? It's a legitimate argument that Ed and I discussed for a solid 20 minutes, throwing out pros and cons for both sides, while failing to reach a definitive resolution. What say you?

Cards have leverage:

Basically the LeBron precedent. Any athlete that leaves his hometown (tho a native of the Dominican, Pujols went to HS in Independence, MO) will be vilified among the media and fans. Is this actually a detriment to elite athletes? Who the fuck knows. If you know any, ask them.
Again, the Cards have won two World Series in six years. Does Pujols really want to leave this stable situation, the only he's ever known, for an extra $30 mil and the opportunity to play with Starlin Castro, the old farts the Angels trot out nightly, or Kemp/Kershaw/23 bums?

Pujols has leverage:

Game 3, the best hitter of his generation, the best player leading his team to three pennants in eight seasons.
Have you seen the rest of the Cardinals roster? Who the fuck is replacing Pujols? You're basically relegating yourselves to the Brewers-Rays-Indians-Rockies level of teams that are content to lose top notch free agents for a couple of draft choices. Yes, I am an outsider fan, but here's guessing the Cards view themselves as more of a Yanks/Sox organization than a Twins/DBacks team.

So that's it...if the Braves had been able to hold on to an ABSURD ASS 3 GAME LEAD WITH 4 GAMES REMAINING we wouldn't even be having this hypothetical, troll-like discussion. However, here we are. Ignore all the irrelevant garbage coming out there about Pujols. The next two games will decide the not only the World Series, but the future of an organization and one of the greatest hitters of all time.

We Beat the Tigers, Seminoles, and Hokies In That Order

2011-10-22T06:43:00.003-04:00

Try not to laugh too hard. The Clemson Gleeks don their orange jackets to bring you some acapella hip-hop. Yes, they are covering a Kanye West song and the dude that has to cover the Rhianna part may be the highlight of the video. Once you compose yourself you can see that these guys are pretty legit. They must be the toast of the town right now. Happy gameday!

Take the High Road Next Time, Coach

2011-10-18T21:55:00.001-04:00

Much ado was made over the Jims' post game handshake/chest bumping. Perhaps Harbaugh was a little too exuberant with his handshake and back slap/shove. No need to get your shorts in a bunch though, Schwartz. That type of overreaction is unbecoming of a man in your position. Football is a competitive sport and the cutthroat nature of the business may have you jaded, but never forget, it is just a game. Take the high road next time, coach. Likewise, commendations to Harbaugh for owning up to his shortcomings after the game.

Not a day earlier, Todd Grantham, UGA defensive coordinator, made a scene after a close win over Vanderbilt. No one likes a sore loser but you know what people hate worse; a sore winner. Standing up for your players is one thing but acting like a donkey is another. This behavior is especially embarrassing for a man, whether he likes it or not, is a role-model for the young men he fervently represents. Take the high road next time, coach. Vandy head coach Franklin and Richt clarify the situation shortly after. There is only one reason to react as Grantham did. If a person makes disparaging remarks about any female family member (mom, wife, sister, or heaven forbid daughter,) it is perfectly acceptable to skip the tough guy charade and unleash hay-makers with little discretion.

Real Life Matters: Week Six

2011-10-17T21:18:00.003-04:00

Let's see if this article's made out of straw, or truly is a Brick House. YEAOW!

A few weeks ago Sports Illustrated featured a 6-page spread on the Vanderbilt Commodores for its primary college football coverage. Eschewing my SEC Snobbery for just a moment, let’s dig a little deeper to discover just what it is about Vandy that required the spotlight of a national magazine.

The roar needs no explanation, but an onlooker provides one anyway: "Yeah. He's here." The he in question is Nick Saban, and his devotees have filled the lobby of the Wynfrey Hotel in Hoover, Ala., hoping to glimpse the Crimson Tide coach.

Yes, those amazing Commodores! Why, I can’t wait to begin my feature article about their pluckiness, high IQ and winning ways! Hmm? What’s that? Why did I choose to use the first 200 words of my story on the Vanderbilt Commodores talking about how Nick Saban “is like a fiftysomething Justin Bieber?” Pay you no mind, see!

Appearing before the media alongside Saban and the three Tide players, almost for bookkeeping purposes, are the representatives for the Vanderbilt Commodores. They have a new coach, 39-year-old James Franklin, but the same old story. They have finished with a losing record in 27 of the last 28 years. They have not had a winning conference mark since 1982. Of the 1,050 credentialed reporters, fewer than 10 are there to cover Vanderbilt.

I can almost see the wheels churning inside this reporter’s head while forming his storey. “Say, based on this here credential list, less than 9 % of the media members are here to cover the Commodores! That’s a real shame. Wait, I’M not here to cover Vanderbilt, EITHER. Maybe I can build up their coach and speak about their academic success. Nobody will be talking about it because it doesn’t matter!”

Since becoming coach last December, Franklin has filled every single media request that has hit his desk. He cohosted a Nashville morning radio show and has invited radio personalities to broadcast live from practice. (They accepted.)

Yes, compared to the most successful coaches in the SEC, like Nick Saban and Les Miles, who routinely close practice to both the media and NFL scouts, Franklin isn’t afraid to have the whole Commodore gameplan revealed Live and On Air!

He spoke to the leaders of Vanderbilt's student government and the Black Student Alliance. He has visited every fraternity and sorority on campus ... twice. He has spoken to Kiwanis clubs and Rotary clubs. Sometimes it's hard to tell if he is trying to win the SEC or a seat on the city council.

City Council! City Council! Is James Franklin using the Vanderbilt job as a showcase for his determination and media savvy? Perhaps that’s unfair to say. I did have to make sure that this wasn’t creative license and embellishment by the author, which it is not. Franklin really does rotate his weeks among (the four) fraternities and sororities in Nashville, trying to drum up interest in his program. Get this guy some coverage, dammit!

I also had to look up what a Kiwanis club is. At first, this embarrassed me. Until I discovered that I simply have to send you here, rather than even attempt to explain what they are myself.

"I'll do birthday parties," he says. "I'll bring balloons."

Alas, I could not find any information on the web to verify this, but I know this is 100% true. If you live in the Nashville are and are looking for a great gag gift for your buddy’s bachelor or birthday party, Franklin is available.

And he’ll answer on the first ring!

Also, if I were a supporter of the Vanderbilt program, the thought of my coach walking around time, begging for attention and showing up for birthday parties with Commodore Kazoos would almost certainly offense my sensibilities.

If the folks on Vanderbilt's campus think Franklin is passionate when he speaks to them, they should see him with his players. During one practice in August, Franklin, a former Division II quarterback for East Stroudsburg, stepped in against the Commodores' defense. Linebacker Archibald Barnes intercepted his coach's pass and tried to return it for a touchdown. Franklin sprinted toward Barnes and leveled a defensive back blocking for Barnes. The coach was not wearing pads.

I believe this may be my favorite part of the article. So, without pads, COACH FRANKLIN lines up under center, and throws an interception. Not to be outdone by this outstanding example of football skill, he then decides to level a poor defensive back that was presumably wondering what the hell he’s supposed to do with a crazy person in position of authority is foaming at the mouth and intending to nail him. Also presumably, he decided that avoiding giving his COACH FRANKLIN a concussion would probably be better than the endless shit he’d be taking for letting a 40-year old take him to school.

I seem to remember another brash, outspoken coach with a penchant for irregular and incomprehensible acts of intended inspiration. So, this is going to end well.

Single-ing out a winner, or just another loose cannon?

Last Saturday night in Nashville, before the Commodores played Connecticut, Franklin surprised his players with all-black uniforms, including black helmets.

This would be quite the act of leadership and inspired, innovative thinking – just the kind of thing a fresh young coach with loads of new ideas is brought in for? Unless of course the exact same thing was done just a few years ago by a coach within his own division.

The color was symbolic.

“Just give it a few quarters, men! Soon you’ll be seeing the same color from within your helmet, as from the outside!”

"We're going to play like a big-time program," Franklin says. "We're going to act like a big-time program. They're going to be treated like [they play for] a big-time program."

“Hey, Coach. We’re tired of being treated like a small-time program. Why does that even happen?”

The Commodores beat the reigning Big East champion 24--21 to improve to 2--0—matching their win total from each of the last two seasons.

“Oh, yeah! That’s why! Our 4-20 record the last two years has been destroying our cause! Guess I’m so mentally stuffed with quadratics I forget how terrible we are each year!”

By the way, I love that the writer is sure to mention “Big East champion,” as if everyone in the country isn’t collectively wondering, “wait, the Big East is still around?” Vanderbilt went on to win its next game, I’m sure delighting the author who wrote this story, then promptly lost its next three by a combined 88-31.

Franklin said it would have been more fun to blow out the Huskies, but winning at the end, largely with defense, might have been better. "I actually think we'll get a lot more out of winning that way than we would the other way," he said. "That was the kind of game that in the past, Vanderbilt didn't find a way to win."

“Now that I think about it,” said Franklin, “We also lost the games that were decided largely with offense and special teams. We lost the close ones, but we definitely seemed to always be on the wrong side of the blowouts. We lost day games and night games, September games and homecoming games. I’m sorry what was the question?”

Winning SEC football games at Vanderbilt may be the toughest task in any of the major American sports. It is like managing a major league baseball team with the Cubs' history, the Royals' resources and the Rays' fan base in a division with the Yankees and the Red Sox.

And your winning meaningless baseball metaphor of the story is…paragraph number 38! Translation – Vanderbilt sucks and the SEC is hard.

Or as former Vanderbilt safety and NFL Pro Bowler Corey Chavous puts it, "It's like trying to climb a mountain with a truck on your back."

That’s better. It’s like trying to climb a mountain of success, but you have 3 tons of suckiness on your back. Chavous must have been a valedictorian.

Vanderbilt is in the SEC, but it is not of the SEC. Vanderbilt is 17th in the most recent U.S. News & World Report college rankings. The next SEC school is Florida, at No. 53.

Academics!

Since 1987, 11 of the conference's 12 schools have been found guilty of a major NCAA violation in football. The 12th is Vanderbilt. The SEC may or may not be out of control, but it certainly seems way out of Vanderbilt's control.

Rule following!

There are literally a million reasons why Vanderbilt has not had any violations. Sure, you can let complete assholes like Jay Cutler into your school, but try admitting LaDaniel Thompson (not real), who just ran the 40 in 4.2 and has a 5” vertical at 6’5” 210 pounds.

Franklin knew this when he took the job last winter after serving as offensive coordinator at Maryland (2008--10) and Kansas State ('06 and '07). He understood that before he could install his offense, he had to instill hope.

Shit! These players seem to actually know they PLAY for Vanderbilt. It’s uncanny! MAYBE DIFFERENT COLORED UNIFORMS WILL CONFUSE THEM?

"The biggest battle," he says, "is getting [players and fans] to believe."

“The biggest battle,” truth-telling COACH FRANKLIN doppelganger says, “is trying to win games with players far less talented and athletic than our opponents.”

Beginning in 2002, Bobby Johnson went 29--66 in eight seasons, but his reign is still considered a success, for one reason: In '08, he led the Commodores to a 7--6 record, including a win in the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl in Nashville. The trophy sits alone at the entrance to the Vanderbilt coaches' offices.

God, this is just sad. Can’t you imagine the trophy merely sitting in an empty chair outside in the hallway?

The thing about Vanderbilt is that it seems as if it should be able to compete.

The thing about this article is that it seems as if it should have a point.

The university is nationally respected. The campus is beautiful. The schools it most resembles have thrived—Stanford won the Orange Bowl last season; Northwestern has been to several January bowl games, including the Rose Bowl.

This can’t have anything to do with the Commodores’ conference, and the degree of difficulty in playing better opponents in every facet of the game, or Vanderbilt’s multiple and glaring recruiting disadvantages, or lack of private or University financing, or really anything of note that you could be talking about but are choosing not to? No? Okay, then.

With no chance to be the best team in its conference, Vanderbilt has sought to be the purest. In 2003 then school president Gordon Gee disbanded the athletic department and folded it into a division of student life. Johnson banned profanity on the football field.

I have no idea what “pure” means in this context, but my spidey sense is telling me it won’t help you win football games.

Having the brightest players in the league does not necessarily mean having the brightest team. As he watched film at a recent staff meeting, Franklin expressed disbelief at one player, who could not grasp a new scheme. "He got almost a perfect score on the ACT, and he's struggling," Franklin told his staff. An assistant cracked, "[But] he'll split the atom for you."

I love that the coaches are shown here ripping their own players. “Say, how come these fellas are so smart, but they can’t learn them some football? By the way, does anyone know what I’m supposed to do with that screen that sits in the middle of my desk and plays the soothing trance symbols all day?”

One problem is that the Vanderbilt community generally expects to lose.

The Vanderbilt community, we can say now with confidence, is not delusional.

Franklin is trying to change that thinking. Other coaches, and even some people at the school, can rattle off a list of reasons why Vanderbilt loses.

None of which you have mentioned in your story, sir.

And if you say that Vanderbilt can't possibly win in the SEC, he says that at Vanderbilt, players can get a world-class education while playing in the nation's toughest conference.

"What he also does not say, however, is that the Vanderbilt can possibly win the SEC."

Can Franklin pull this off? History and 11 other rabid fan bases say no way. Franklin can't match the credentials of other coaches in his conference, but he is trying to make up for it by being closer to his team.

Can Franklin pull this off? Every logical, statistical and thoughtful measure available says there's no prayer in the world powerful enough to help Vanderbilt win. Coach Franklin makes up for all of this, however, by being purer with his team.

When the Commodores saw the movie Horrible Bosses in August, Franklin realized, Uh- oh, that's me, I'm the boss now. He looked around. Nobody was in his row. He grabbed a few freshmen and made them sit next to him.

This absolutely, positively needs no snarky comment. It's good on it's own.

"The first thing he said to me was, 'We're not taking no for an answer,'" said quarterback Josh Grady, a three-star recruit who signed with Vanderbilt in February, two weeks after Franklin offered him a scholarship. "He was like, 'We're going to change the culture.' Whenever I would say, 'Maybe if I come,' he'd be like, 'No. You're gonna come.' I'd say, 'I understand we're gonna try to change the program.' He'd say, 'No. We're gonna change the program.' Little things like that made me buy into it."

Wouldn't it be awesome if everyone was as gullible as a 17-year old jock?

"So, Ben, if we give you this raise..."
"No, when you give me this raise."

"If I come home with you tonight,"
"AFTER YOU COME HOME WITH ME TONIGHT"

Franklin is dotting all the i's and crossing all the t's, and still, it will be a challenge to avoid all the L's.

Because his team is just so darn P-U!

Atlanta, the site of the SEC championship game, could not seem farther away. The history is almost suffocating. Fact: No Commodore has ever played in two bowl games.

Fact: as evidenced by your opening line about media coverage, nobody cares about this fact.

"Ultimately we're going to have to put a product on the field that people are proud of," he says, "and I understand that."

So, like, a Hyundai?

The number in the Win column is the one inescapable truth for the biggest underdog in college football, the only SEC team that the rest of the country can love. Franklin embraces that truth as enthusiastically as he embraces everything else. Vanderbilt has been waiting for the future for 50 years. It has to arrive at some point. Doesn't it?

I absolutely adore this logic. I've been playing the same numbers in the powerball for 38 years, dadgarmett! My payday has to come sometime, don't it?

Editor's Note: Georgia barely beat Vanderbilt this weekend. Plucky!

On to this week's wagers! A reminder of what's at stake:

LOSER - Swift kick in the ass. No bullshit. Velocity of kick dependent upon kicker (kick-ee likely to ask for more)

WINNER - Bottle of his choosing.

BONUS - Winning Percentage more than 10% differential? Georgia home game football ticket

SEASON
OBJ
9-9

J-Rock
9-9

This Week's Picks
OBJ
Georgia (-11) Over Vanderbilt
Last week requires a retraction: Georgia has actually beat the spread four weeks in a row (plus a push). Count on them to make it five.

Michigan (+2.5) Over Michigan State

Is it just me, or does it seem like halfway through the CFB season, Vegas collectively says, "Okay, that's enough. You had your fun, now we're going to start trying."

Boise State vs Colorado State UNDER 54.5

Indiana (+40) Over Wisconsin

Wisconsin has averaged nearly a 40-point differential this season. Indiana's played (and lost) some really close games. I like the Hoosiers not not get beat by 40!

Especially with important games at Ohio State and at Michigan State, this is a recipe for some 3rd-string in the 3rd-quarter brew for Wisconsin.

J-Rock
Georgia Tech (-7) Over Virginia
South Carolina (-2.5) Over Mississippi State
Toledo (-7) Over Bowling Green
Kansas State (+3.5) Over Texas Tech

GEORGIA IS A GIRL
Each week we're going to bring to you what the University of Georgia football team is, metaphorically speaking. In terms of a woman you are sexually/intellectually/spiritually interested in:

Week of 10/3
This week Georgia's the chick you met a party, but the more you try to remember the more she seems like simply part of your imagination. Did she really make out with you on the hood of your car? You didn't tell her you loved her, did you?

Then a friend reminds you the girl's in one of your classes. While it's Spring Break, you're guaranteed to see her.

So play it cool, mates. Don't call her, don't masturbate to her. And don't get too excited. You never know if you spent the night sucking face with a sea donkey or a true bangin' chick. You'll know real, real soon.

NBA Lockout: Not As Bad As You Think. Yet.

2011-10-15T03:41:00.004-04:00

FACT: The NBA is my favorite sport.

FACT: The Atlanta Hawks are my favorite team in sports.

FACT: The NBA Playoffs are my favorite time of the year in sports.

FACT: I am not losing my mind over the NBA lockout...yet.

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When the NFL lockout began, I thought there was no way they would miss any games. That league prints money. The owners would get what concessions they could leading upto the final seconds before games had to be missed, then a deal would be reached. Too much money at stake.

When the NBA lockout began, I felt there was no way games could NOT be missed. I don't care how much the players or Deadspin's in-house-whiner says the owners fudge their loss numbers, the financial model of the league was broken. Just as it has been proposed that the owners shouldn't feel a right to make money off of owning a team; similarly, the financial +/-s of a couple of teams aren't an indicator that they shouldn't pursue a lockout if they felt it was needed. An above average NBA fan can eyeball a system where 90% of the players are making more than their added value to their respective squads. Contracts were too long and cap-crippling, mediocre-to-average players were being paid like superstars, paid attendance was dropping, the owners/GMs absolutely failed to exercise any fiscal restraint. None of this is news.

Here's one thing that hasn't seemed to be mentioned, however. The players can't win. They were dead before this started. Forget each side's PR campaigns, twitter talk, etc. for a second and think about the following:

Even if the owners losses aren't actually losses and they are making slight profits, if they stand to make more money with a new CBA, they WILL pursue that and they will hold out until a deal that ensures larger profits become available.

Yes, this lockout sucks, and I do feel that if idiot owners can't help themselves from paying Andre Iguodala and Rudy Gay $12mil/year, fuck them. But logically speaking, they can win a battle of financial chicken with the players. Like the Chris Rock joke says, Shaq is rich. The guy who signs Shaq's paycheck is WEALTHY. Big difference.

In order to break the players, missing games was necessary and inevitable. Sucks, but it is a truth. Also a truth is that very few NBA fans care about this as long as football is being played. Bill Simmons may point out that casual NBA fans who came to the sport with the influx of talent and exciting seasons the last few years might be turned off. My counter: no they wont. I know several fans like that. If anything the lockout hurts them less...they won't even notice the NBA is missing until February. Hell, regularly scheduled weekend national TV games don't even start until Christmas. If the 1994 baseball strike showed us anything, it is that fans will ALWAYS come back to a sport they enjoy.

Much like the threat of missing any games was the kick in the ass the NFL needed to get the deal done, the end of football season and the ability to repeat of the shortened 1999 season will be just what the NBA needs before a deal gets done.

(Note: I loathe when media types mention "in this day and age of twitter and SOCIAL MEDIA...," in fact, I am cringing as I write this, but it bears mentioning that with the oppressive 24/7 news cycle that exists today, there will be considerably more public pressure on both sides to get a deal done, at least before the new year, than there was in 1999. Finally we found something good about the 24/7 news cycle...only took us 10 years.)

So, in summary, let's just say I am much more worried about the Hawks using their inevitable amnesty clause on Marvin Williams over Joe Johnson than the NBA missing meaningful time. Once I pull up my bookmarks and see that Larry has seven new posts slamming Rick Sund on the matter, I will know that the NBA season is finally here, and the system in place will make more sense than the old one.

In the meantime, thankfully, we have OBJ here to provide us his list of the GOOD things that the NBA lockout has and will continue to bring us for the foreseeable future:

-Dwayne Wade can spend more time with his children

-With two less games on Christmas Day, fellas everywhere will only have football as an excuse to not consort with their families. Everyone will be miserable, but they will be miserable together.

-Blake Griffin gets another year without an injury

-Kevin Garnet, Tim Duncan and the rest of the NBA veterans on the wrong side of 30 have a year to rest their aching muscles, and perhaps turn back the mileage Bueller-style

Note: This raises the question - is Yao Ming's foot really that messed up, or did he just give up? Did he and his handlers not anticipate an NBA lockout? Yao essentially would have had two full years to rehabilitate his his ailing appendage, but he folded instead. Either he truly was a genetic freak whose, say, more detailed body parts couldn't support the rest of his (Chinese laboratory created) leviathan frame, or he simply grew tired of rehabbing for months and months just to play for a handful of weeks.

-The WNBA will become immensely popular

-Just kidding. But people who would normally pay more attention to the NBA will turn towards College Hoops instead, ushering in a new generation of college basketball fans

-This lockout will end when the players give up - this means no more ridiculous salaries and, potentially, an NFL-style parity system across the league. The former will help protect organizations from themselves and is pretty much guaranteed to happen. The latter is designed to elevate the entire "brand" of a sports organization, and could usher in a new era of success for the NBA

-Video clips like these

-For a whole season, no more having to sit through another endless Spurs vs. Grizzlies Thursday night TNT game, simply because there's nothing else on

-The price of jerseys will go down, enabling me to purchase my Pooh Jeter apparel

Sightseeing 10/13

2011-10-13T18:53:00.002-04:00

My apologies up front, loyal readers, for another missed photo opportunity. A last minute decision to acquire bargain priced (and bargain seating) Sunday Night Football tickets led me on a bare bones trip to the dome without my new camera on hand. A $600 dollar camera does me no good lest I learn how to operate it properly much less remember to grab it on the way out of the door. This brings me to today's theme. Money can't buy you happiness, or a championship.

Take the Yankees and the Phillies, who sport the two highest paid rosters in MLB, have just been bounced from the playoffs by teams with approximately half their payroll. The Marlins won the world series in 2003 with a payroll one third of their series' opponent, the Yanks. The Phils, obviously the best team in the league this year, should enlighten us to the detriment of a BCS playoff system.

More BCS games would equal more revenue for all parties involved. I am astounded a playoff system has not been implemented yet. Much like I don't want to see another 2005 White Sox/Astros world series, I would rather be hit across the face with a pineapple than tolerate an equivalent BCS title game.

Julio Jones cost the Falcons in the form of draft picks. Although I love his skills and think he will be a great player moving forward, I feel that pressure to perform is forcing the ball in his direction. Jones is taking the next game off due to injury which may not be a bad thing. This will be a chance for the Falcons to revert to a style of offense that worked so well last year.

Cam Newton is the exception that is going to prove our rule today. NCAA admits the possibility of reopening the case if new information arises. This tells me that among all that smoke, they just couldn't find the fire. How much does a crystal football cost, Auburn? Apparently rounds-a-bout $200,000.

What I want to see next week:

A Falcons game from less than a half mile way (Probably not an exaggeration from the top row of the Georgia Dome)

Real Life Matters: Week Five

2011-10-09T04:25:00.010-04:00

The League Championship Series-es have begun. It has to leave a dropping like bullion-weighted dogshit in your mental backyard: who for to root??

Sit on this - the more you hate, the more you love. Do you think hard Celtics fans would be so die without their Lakers foils? The more years that stack up with Georgia losses, the more Florida fans feel their is no rivalry.

And the more Georgia fans feel there is one.

Would you even care about the Olympics if it weren't for the USA vs. EVERYONE?

If you're from Alaska, Hawaii, Singapore, Djibouti or Queens, you may root for the Yankees. Hell, until the (soon to be) Miami Marlins showed up in the great Purple and Teal 90's Expansion Team Unirevolution everyone within 1,500 miles of Atlanta rooted for the Braves. Everyone in Alabama, everyone in Arkansas, everyone in Florida. But how regionalized and - by definition in today's sports world - relatable are the teams in the these Championship Serieseses? Is there a reason to root for any of them if you're not from that geographic area?

Green Bay, Wisconsin is the smallest market in all of American professional sports. If you'd like to stretch the "metro" area to 283,000, COOL. The second in the diminutive-ist list is Buffalo, New York! Population: 1.1 million.

For a different brand of bird, you sure do look cocky.

Here's an easy one! The Pujols drama is artificial because everyone knows a) nobody is paying 10-year contracts and b) the Yankess aren't in the game. St. Looey - BULLY to you. No offense to your fanbase, but your manager's a dick. Everyone loves Albert Pujols and his loveable inability to speak english, but after winning Eleven world championships since your 1882 introduction (8.5 World Series Winning Percentage [WSW%]) you cannot pretend to be an underdog any longer. Hell, you just won a World Series in 2006.

Be glad! Rejoice! This is your coming out party, Redbirds. Congratulations, you're now the Phillies. Nobody outside of your state ('s immediate rooting interest) are pulling for you.

Early in the 1920's, the infantile National Football League consisted of markets like the Decatur Staleys, Akron Pros, Canton Bulldogs, Muncie Flyers, Rochester Jeffersons and Rock Island Independents. Money, and the evolution of the game/markets/regionalism led to all of those small market teams folding. Except for the Packers, which was bought by its community.

Though a scared little kitty, easily the best DeTigers logo ever. Weird.

Have you even seen a single episode of Hung? Because it's the most bragging rights a Detroit native (DETROTIAN!) has had since capitalizing on Ford's assembly line "invention" by throwing thousands of underpaid fingers into the meat grinders. No, Bully to YOU, Detroit! You've really been with us since 1901? And you've won FIVE World Serieseseses (4.5WSW% [last 1984])?

The Lions are looking good. Your hockey (?) team is solid. Everyone in American knows your state looks like this:

Like the South, it's not all trash!

Congratulations, Tigers fans! The majority of America is rooting for you because your city is on its death bed! Yes, you are being given the Saints Vs. Katrina 2005 Sympathy Sports Award powerup. Run with it. Embrace it. Because unless your town can start producing flying cars, you will no longer be considered a major American city. This is your chance to be, beloved.

Know that the majority of America is rooting for you. Then un-know it. And just play baseball. Most people would like to see this.

Heeey! Milwaukee! Isn't that in Green Bay?

Sorry, Milwaukee (0 WSW% [last never]). Though the analysts (read: TV personalities) will talk endlessly about how your first baseman and the Cardinals' first baseman are both going into unrestricted free agency, and DEAR LORD how that's going to affect your mosque-esque shrine to small-market it-can-happen-without-money image, well.

Well, shit, Milwaukee. We just don't even know where you are. Just know that when Prince leaves, then comes the city, restaurants, bars barbershops and florists, and you're left with Rickie Weeks.

The Green Bay Packers were borne of a street-corner conversation, featuring Curly Lambeau and his Indian Packing Company employer. Curly convinced his J.O.B. to buy uniforms and provide a practice field. Put it together, this is where the namesake was fittingly originated. Lambeau starred for the team for 11 years, became its first coach (for 30 years) and eventually got bored. So he created the forward pass.

The reason you've heard so many Chuck Norris jokes,
is because every time Chuck Norris Kicks someons's ass a new joke is born.

So we are just chock FULL of teams that literally anyone in the country can root for - for any reason they choose. Texas, around since 1961 without grabbing the brass Ring in the MLB merry-go-round, has somehow also compiled a sad championship record (0 WSW% [last never]). Though not the most hated team, they have to be the favorites. And yet the Rangers will still be considered and rooted for like underdogs.

Like everyone else in this World Series race.

Despite winning the first two Super Bowls and preposterously having street names like Packers, Lombardi, Ray Nitschke, Brett Favre, Mike Holmgren, Don Hutson, Reggie White, Bart Starr and Ton Canadeo, Packers fans somehow do not exude a pompous pheromone and therefore almost make opponents refuse to hate them.

Somewhere in the world, there is a baseball fan (no - there is) that has absolutely no rooting allegiance to any of these teams vying for a World Title. And to have the option to pick your own lame horse for whatever reason is, frankly, why he watches.

The Greenbay Packers were voted the third most popular team in the United States based on a 2010 Harrison poll. They are the only publicly owned professional sports franchise in America.

Every fan of their city is still pulling for their team. But the Packers this year are a juggernaut of immeasurable proportions. Once your team is out of it, you may not be rooting for them. But are you rooting against them?

On to this week's wagers! A reminder of what's at stake:

LOSER - Swift kick in the ass. No bullshit. Velocity of kick dependent upon kicker (kick-ee likely to ask for more)

WINNER - Bottle of his choosing.

BONUS - Winning Percentage more than 10% differential? Georgia home game football ticket

A real problem this week, as I was either too lazy or too busy to post my picks in time. We'll go ahead and mark me off for three losses for Week Five, and I'll proceed through my week ashamed of myself.

SEASON
OBJ
9-9

Georgia beat the spread two weeks in a row! NICE. Too bad the momentum gained from going 3-1 last week completely stalled out from throwing this week's picks in the trash.

J-Rock
9-9

This Week's Picks
OBJ
Idiot!

J-Rock
Georgia (-2) over Tennesssee
A WIN! That's 3 weeks in a row of covering the spread against SEC teams.

Texas (+11) Over Oklahoma
A LOSS! UT didn't even come close, as Oklahoma is now firmly in the driver's seat for the TGCSECO (TeamtoGetCrushedbyanSECOpponent) Championship.

Florida State (-10) Over Wake Forrest
ANOTHER LOSS! An outstanding week for OBJ to sacrifice his picks. I'm still in this!

GEORGIA IS A GIRL
Each week we're going to bring to you what the University of Georgia football team is, metaphorically speaking. In terms of a woman you are sexually/intellectually/spiritually interested in:

Week of 10/3
This week Georgia is the Older Woman who may just more know about life than you do. Sure, you're young and have all the energy, but this chick seems to know stuff. Y'know, like which materials you're actually able to throw in your recycling bin, or how much life insurance costs. Shit like that.

The Older Woman is intriguing, because while most females seem to come fully loaded with wholesale-sized carts of insecurity, the older woman walks around with self confidence in spades. It's as if they stopped trying to zap/lather/cream/exfoliate/pencil/place-into-suspended-animation, etc. the wrinkles, and decided, "You know what? Fuck it. I think I'm pretty. That's really all that matters." It's incredibly arousing and wonderful in its simplicity.

Plus, you never know when they'll drop a knowledge bomb on you. You may date an older chick for a month, but that one time she said, "Ya know, babe, you really shouldn't take the trash out barefoot. On top of all broken glass out there, acting as a petri dish for countless diseases, scorpians and millipedes - TERRIBLY POISONOUS! - are also out in full force this time of year. By the way, when was your last tetanus shot?" will be ingrained in your mind forever. Older chicks rule.

In Which While Writing This, I Almost Referred to a Conference As "We" Nine Times

2011-10-07T03:02:00.003-04:00

With both college football/NFL in full swing and the baseball playoffs providing drama on a nightly basis, there shouldn't be any excuse for a red-blooded American sports fan to be following this conference realignment nonsense. I would counter, however, with the following:

While college football is fucking awesome in every respect, we really don't yet know who the best teams are outside of Louisiana or Alabama, or even if there are any/many good ones. At this point, it appears as tho all non-LSU/Bama top teams have feasted on a menu of cupcakes, ACC teams whose elitism is questionable, and Mississippi State, whose non-elite status has been confirmed. There is a reason why the Mumme Poll doesn't start until next week, everything is conjecture at this point. Check back then when we know more.

The NFL, while also enjoyable this season, does not lack for coverage. There are approximately 287873262672691028 articles on the internet right now on everything from in-depth coverage wondering if the Jets will deploy Darelle Revis in a nickel package on Wes Welker this Sunday or if they'll waste him on Deion fucking Branch on the outside, to page-hit pandering lists on which teams should sign TO. If you understandably don't want to read this, you can prolly turn on an ESPN channel right now and hear a couple people arguing over WHO IS MORE FOR REAL, THE BILLS OR THE LIONS?

Baseball is baseball and thus best consumed in 3 minute highlights. Oh the Tigers beat the Yanks to go to the ALCS? Cool. CC Sabathia came in as a reliever? Huh. Interesting.

Combine all that with the fact that I'm a huge fucking dork when it comes to this shit, and allow me to provide my two cents on college realignment to this point. Because reading paragraphs on this situation will make you either fall asleep at your keyboard or switch over to porn, I'll keep it brief and in bullet-point form:

What we know at this point:

Texas A&M, pissed that Texas has their own TV network, left the Big 12 for the SEC. Their students/alums allegedly chanted "SEC" at summer graduation, a full month before this move was confirmed. Safe to say they'll be a solid fit culturally in their new conference.

The Big 12 avoided destruction for the second straight year because the Pac 12 didn't want the baggage that came with Texas' huge TV contract. Texas and Oklahoma (and thereby Oklahoma State and Texas Tech, who are attached to their in-state counterparts) crawled back to the Big 12, hat-in-hand.

The ACC decided that they needed more 7-win football teams and nabbed Pittsburgh and Syracuse from the Big East. Knocks aside, this was a good move for the ACC. They were proactive and raided the Big East to protect themselves from being poached. In the process, they essentially killed the Big East as a football conference, of which we will be eternally grateful.

The Big 10 decided that they are content with large, academically strong state schools and god-awful boring as shit football, and are staying pat at 12 members.

So where does this leave us? The Pac 12, Big 10 are solid at twelve members. The ACC has 14 members, and will likely pick off the carcass of the Big East when it officially folds, pick up UCONN and someone else, and become a basketball mega-conference. The Big 12 has 3-4 open spots (more on that in a minute), and is likely to fill them with smaller but good college football programs (TCU, West Virginia, Louisville, Houston). For some reason, aka MONEY, Boise State has not been mentioned as a Big 12 possibility

This is a long winded way of bringing us to the SEC, the greatest conference in the land that should have every intention of staying that way. Right now, at 13 members, the SEC is in a state of flux and coaches have been open about their displeasure regarding an unbalanced schedule ("why does Alabama get to play 2 games in Texas and gain exposure there while we play none?") Clearly, a 14th member needs to be added, and for weeks all fingers have pointed to the UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI of all places as the 14th member.

How the hell, did Missouri, as mediocre a football program as they come, with absolutely no regional or cultural ties to the conference get to the point where the SEC wanted them to be invited? Well here is what SEC Commish Mike Slive sees in Mizzou:

Expanded footprint into the Kansas City and St. Louis football markets.

A strong academic instution, only eclipsed in the conference currently by Vandy and Florida.

Here are my responses to these 'benefits' that Mizzou brings:

Awesome. You're adding the 25th and 34th biggest TV markets, neither of which have been college football crazy locales. This outweighs the benefits of bringing in a mediocre program to a conference whose biggest/only selling point is its elite level of football? Add Virginia Tech (DC Market) or FSU (larger footprint in Florida).

You're the SEC. WHY ARE YOU CARING ABOUT ACADEMICS?!?!? This is inexplicable. You think adding Missouri, a state school ranked 60thish in the nation is going to make people think highly of the SEC academically? MISSISSIPPI STATE IS STILL A MEMBER OF THIS CONFERENCE, YO. UNIVERSITY OF KENTUCKY. ARKANSAS, PEOPLE. Academics should never be a priority for the SEC as long as everyone's eligible. Hell, I'm in favor of throwing Miss. State a bone and inviting West Virginia over Missouri. At least they're a cultural fit and allow Miss State to no longer be ranked last in the conference academically for the first time, ever.

Luckily, news has broke in the last 24 hours that:

Missouri mentions they still want to be in the Big 10 but, for the second straight year, they were rebuffed. The SEC is taking other conferences scraps now?

Per AL.com, some SEC presidents are bucking and don't want to invite Missouri, citing their lack of prestige and the conservation of traditional rivalries. So there is still hope that Missouri will, for the second straight year, have to go back to the Big 12 with their tail between their legs.

For this to happen, the presidents of UGA, UF and South Carolina will have to break an alleged pact between those three schools will block any new members from their state (read: Clemson, FSU, and GaTech). Clemson and GT aren't likely candidates, but FSU is given their stronghold in Florida markets, program prestige and the cultural fit they provide. UF and UGA enjoy being the only SEC game in town in the fertile South Georgia/Northern Florida recruiting area, and don't want to share this area.

Similarly: While Texas A&M is not that much better a program than Mizzou, that will improve. A&M can now go into a recruit's house and say "Want to play in the best/most televised/pro ready conference in the country? Want to stay in Texas? Then you've got one option, son." While more SEC schools (specifically LSU, Arky, Bama) will benefit from this move as well, expect A&M to start nabbing recruits that were Longhorn locks two years ago.

Bottom line: The SEC is the premier football conference in America. This is a source of pride among southerns (see SEC Chant), as there are not too many areas in which the south is head and shoulders above the rest of the country. The SEC should stay that way. Add FSU, West Virginia, VaTech, or make a godfather offer for Oklahoma or Texas (if you have to take Okla State/Tex Tech and go to 16 so be it. Personally, I think Okla/Texas enjoy being the top dogs in a conference of ACC-level schools and are too scared to come to the SEC, but whatever). Just don't add Missouri. The shoe doesn't fit.

Enjoy the actual, real football action this weekend.

(Ed. Addendum: I am not naive enough to ignore the reality that money drives all, and that Mizzou will continue to be pursued as long as it makes financial sense to the SEC. I am also not one of those fans that views the Tennessee-Bama rivalry as sacrosanct and must be conserved at all costs. I simply feel that by adding Virginia Tech, you expand into a bigger, more profitable market and add more eyeballs to your product. Ditto, although to a lesser extent for Florida state. While I'd love to see West Virginia as well, I realize they do not help this league in the TV households category.)

Sightseeing 10/6

2011-10-06T21:28:00.001-04:00

Years ago, while visiting New York City, my wife and I discovered that tickets to the popular show Wicked were sold out. Instead, we bought the book that the play is based upon from the Virgin megastore. Well, we finally got to see Wicked at the Fox Theater in Atlanta this past Friday. The spectacle is everything one might expect of a Broadway show. If you have the means, I highly recommend this one. Was this story told to make you think I was a well-read, world-traveling, theater patron? Perhaps, but before you pass judgement, I was playing beer pong at 7 a.m. the following morning, with tall boys no less. Share my game day experience at the end of this post.

Psst... J-Rock must be a pretentious a**hole

How 'bout them Clemson Tigers! Check out the teams return to town and Dabo's post game message. This is an exhilarating time for the Clemson faithful and they should most certainly be proud of their team's accomplishments. But, the season is not over yet. I fear that overconfidence or complacency may cause the ubiquitous loss to a team they are not supposed to lose to, i.e. Maryland. I don't suspect it will be BC this weekend as Death Valley should be rockin' after such an amazing road win. All this excitement makes me want to join my hard-partying cousins who happen to be Clemson alumni. Initiation of the Nationwide Tailgate Tour Photo Gallery to come.

MLB finally had an interesting day Wednesday Sept 28. It only took all season. The best/worst case scenarios for some teams played out among extra innings finishes, rain delays, and improbable 9th inning comebacks. Also, congratulations go to Jose Reyes for laying down a bunt to secure a batting title, then pulled for a pinch-runner when he's the best base runner on the team! I will give him the benefit of the doubt that this move was not his idea, but he gets a Golden D-Bag award nonetheless for not standing up to the man.

The big boys in college football were flexing some muscle this past weekend. The average margin of victory, for the top 5 teams that played, was 32.2. Based on what I have seen, I am predicting an Alabama berth in the National Championship game. Nothing about Alabama's remaining schedule scares me conisdering they have LSU at home. The Tide gets the national championship bid after defeating the Dawgs in the dome. Biff let me glance at his almanac.

Far-vre with the lid off continues to derail his legacy by giving Rodgers some backhanded compliments. He did this on Atlanta radio right before Rodgers comes to town hoping to make Favre eat those words.Thanks Brett. Someone get this guy a filter. Too bad tact isn't sold over-the-counter. He needs a dust broom to get the sand out of his lady parts (too much? sorry ma.) Between his retirement/un-retirement shenanigans, photos of his junk, and these types of comments, I have him a likely nominee for the Golden D-Bag: Lifetime Acheivement Award.

Game analysis is much easier accomplished from the comforts of the couch than the stadium due to the aforementioned 7 a.m. beer pong game. I offer up this photo gallery as a humble replacement.

What I want to see next week:

The Falcons to commit no turnovers Sunday night. The Packers are playing incredible football and the Falcons will need every possession to get the win. No aid to the enemy!

Parting qoute:

"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary" -Steve Jobs

Real Life Matters - Week Four

2011-09-30T15:21:00.005-04:00

Take care of Mississippi State and we're winners! Percentage-wise!

Even though Georgia is likely out of the running for the SEC East crown, unless the Dawgs can somehow run the table and South Carolina loses twice to the likes of Florida, Auburn, Kentucky, Mississippi State, Tennessee or Arkansas in some combination, there is still much to play for. Win, and the Dawgs have a winning record for the first time since September 4th. 2010. Lose and our season's all but done for and we can all hope for a similar berth in the Autozone Liberty Bowl against a University of Central Florida type.

Last year Mississippi State owned UGA, beating them 24-12 in the midst of a four-game losing streak. This year, however, MSU is not looking nearly the feisty little upstart they appeared to be last year, losing decisively to Auburn and LSU and needing an extra period of play to squeak out a victory over Louisiana Tech.

Win, and the Dawgs will roll to Tennessee and Vanderbilt (both winnable games) before possibly being 5-2 before their matchup against Florida at the World's Greatest Outdoor Cocktail Party. This game could prove to be ultimately meaningless, but why chance it? The Dawgs are playing between the hedges, where they still have an excellent record against SEC teams under CMR.

In other news around the SEC, Alabama matches up against Florida in the Swamp, where everyone predicts a blowout. I too fully expect the Tide to Roll, but when you have two schools with the highest caliber athletes from the top recruiting classes of the past several years, anything can happen. A win by Florida could go a long way in making up the ~~ground~~ respect the East has lost from nonstop beatings by the West. As a Georgia fan, I'm pulling for the Gators.

On to the week's bets. To recap, the rules are:

LOSER - Swift kick in the ass. No bullshit. Velocity of kick dependent upon kicker (kick-ee likely to ask for more)

WINNER - Bottle of his choosing.

BONUS - Winning Percentage more than 10% differential? Georgia home game football ticket

As always, it gets interesting as the season wheres on. Is it time to double down? Maybe a swift kick in the nuts (wearing 5 pairs of socks?) instead of an ass kick.

SEASON
OBJ
6-5
Georgia beat the spread @ Ole Miss! But, Georgia didn't beat the OVER @ Ole Miss!
J-Rock
5-6
Editor's Note: The closest Bawlin' Cawlin' after three weeks to date. Here's where OBJ pulls away.

OBJ
Georgia (-7) Over Mississippi State
For absolutely no reason, I'm taking Georgia to cover the spread 'tween the hedges. Time for some payback.

Oregon State (+18) Over Arizona State
Coming off a big home win against Southern Cal, I just don't see the hometown Devils avoiding the UGA Play to Your Opponents' Level syndrome two games in a row. Of course, Oregon State is just awful, losing to the California-State-Sacramento Hornets in their opener, followed promptly by a shutout loss to Wisconsin. This is likely a mistake.

Stanford (-21) Over UCLA
UCLA, whose only win came over the aforementioned Beavers!

Baylor (-3.5) Over Kansas State
Plucky Bears. They've got moxie.

J-Rock
Georgia Tech (-9.5) Over NC State
Alabama (-3.5) Over Florida
Texas (-9.5) Over Iowa State
Toledo and Temple OVER 50

GEORGIA IS A GIRL
Each week we're going to bring to you what the University of Georgia football team is, metaphorically speaking. In terms of a woman you are sexually/intellectually/spiritually interested in:

Week of 10/1
This week Georgia is the girl you've been seeing for a little while, and while you have something building in the pit of your stomach, you're not quite sure if you want Mom to meet her just yet. Who knows? She may show up to lunch at your father's work wearing a skimpy tank top barely covering her breasts! IT HAPPENS!!

In this situation there's always a Happy Medium test. Not sure if she's Mom and Dad material? Introduce her to your crazy uncle or (hopefully) non-judgemental siblings.

I'm proud to wear my Georgia gear anywhere I go in Arizona because, well, frankly, what the hell college football fan is going to say anything to me, here? In the state of Georgia, same applies. But would I wear my gear around Tuscaloosa this weekend? Sure, and I would expect to get more shit on than a toothless Mississippi State undergrad at the 87th Annual Fall Ball Scat party!

Sightseeing 9/29

2011-09-28T23:28:00.000-04:00

My fantasy world officially turned nightmare on Sunday. Allow me to preface. Last year my fantasy football team was embarrassed by a ridiculous performance from Michael Vick. He was then traded to another opponents team where he again destroyed me. Jump to the third-place play-off game and things were looking on the up and up as the NY Giants were corralling Vick pretty handily with only 8 minutes remaining in the game. We all know how this story ends, and I was cursing him left and right. Fast forward to Sunday when he leaves the game with only 2 fantasy points to his name and MY TEAM STILL CAN'T WIN! I am now sure that he is my kryptonite, and his presence most certainly ensures my team's demise. But I digress. Actually no. Let's continue with some verbal abuse if only for my own therapeutic purposes.

The dog slayer's post game comments are quite hypocritical. "I'm not tryin' to blame the refs." Well, I'm not buyin' it. Watch how definitively he says "absolutely" when asked if he thinks he's not getting the same calls as other quarterbacks. To my own dismay, he may be right and I think I know why; he's a dog slayer! But, not only do I bring obvious hindsight observations, I also come with solutions; run faster! You're the fastest player on the field, Vick, and I will no longer tolerate such an insolent attitude. There's no crying in Football. There, I feel slightly better.

Any chance I get. A Dawg fan can't resist

The Falcons have got to motivate their offensive line. Matt Ryan getting sacked 13 times in 3 games is Bush League. Center McClure was back in the line-up, and I saw little improvement. Perhaps Dahl was the glue that held that line together. Unfortunately, the Falcons are up against the salary cap and simply could not afford to retain all the starting linemen from last season. Let's give some credit where it is deserved as well. The Buc's defense brought some heat all game long. I am also not going to point fingers at any of ATL's defensive linemen for jumping offsides at the end of the game. You simply got did by a better team. Better luck next week Falcons.

The Georgia Bulldogs have got to be the most gullible team in the nation. Fake punts, onside kicks, reverse kick returns- they all seem to work so perfectly when executed against the presumptuous Dawgs. Have they never seen these plays before? It's like watching white guys play basketball. As Ole Miss kept faking the reverse, I knew they were setting it up for later in the game. I, on the same note as the Bulldogs, never saw the reverse pass coming. Well played Rebels... I mean Black Bears... oh, its the Rebel Black Bears (WTF?). At least it takes a trick play to have a chance at beating the Dawgs. Gladly, they were able to overcome.

If you don't watch UFC, it's time to start. Quentin "Rampage" Jackson entered the ring with an unnervingly goofy stare instead of any fighter's typical bouncy anticipatory energy. I couldn't tell if he had brought some of his acting chops back with him from Hollywood or if he was just that focused. Either way, Jon Jones, the light-heavyweight champ, undressed him with a showcase of style. Long and tall, his chicken legs don't match the rest of him, but he mixed his kicks wonderfully, showed off great grappling skills, and eventually got the win via submission. I am definitely drinking the Jon Jones Kool-Aid right now. One other note, Nate Diaz taunted his opponent by dropping his hands, jutting his chin, and gesturing for a punch to be thrown. Sorry dude, you are not Anderson Silva. I wish someone would instantly KO any fighter who attempts this unsportsmanlike mockery.

What I want to see next week:

I will be attending UGA's upcoming game against Miss St. Tailgating starts at 7 a.m., and I am at the mercy of the designated driver, so this may be the only game I see Saturday. In depth coverage to follow, possibly with a photo gallery.

In With the New: a bittersweet farewell to a sport and a hero

2011-09-26T21:25:00.001-04:00

What seems like generations ago, rising stars like "Sugar" Shane Mosley, Oscar De la Hoya, and Roy Jones Jr. graced the HBO Saturday night fight cards. Fantastic bouts were fought by amazing champions of the ring. Perhaps I was young and impressionable but boxing had me entranced by its sporting sophistication and glamour. So many things went wrong somewhere between then and now. Big draw names are now absent from the heavyweight division. No unified governing body exists to crown (or belt) a world champ. The most desired match-ups were never put together. Will someone please make Mayweather v. Paqiuao happen. Then along came UFC.

I can remember the first fight I saw; Trigg v. Hughes 2 from UFC 52 (mislabeled as 45 in the video, their first meeting). Trigg low blows Hughes then puts him in a rear naked choke and by all means has him dead to rights, Hughes escapes, does his signature carry-you-across-the-ring-for-a-body-slam move, then finishes the match with his own rear naked choke. It was an epic finish and I was fan!

I hate to admit that boxing is becoming an archaic sport with the advent of mixed martial arts. UFC and its President, Dana White, are doing everything right. Fights in the octagon are action packed and unpredictable where those in the square ring might have an inordinate amount of grown men seemingly hugging each other. They have made the sport more accessible by airing matches and reality competitions on cable networks. Joe Rogan adds great energy to the commentating and even though they could not get the best ring announcer in history, Michael Buffer, they got the next best thing, his brother.

After an illustrious career, Matt Hughes may have fought his last fight on Saturday night. His conditioning, skills and determination were never in question as the former champion yielded his glory to a younger generation of ultimate fighter. Hall of Fame honors are most certainly deserved for an incredibly entertaining fighter. Hughes may be the reason I enjoy MMA so much today and for that I say "thank you".

Real Life Matters: Week Three

2011-09-23T06:39:00.004-04:00

It could be rising

Or it could be setting

In week two Michigan State held lowly Florida Atlantic Western Orthopedic State Poly Tech University to a single first down, which came late in the game. God only knows what amount of shit the defensive back incurred from his teammates for allowing that one Firster. The fightin' Owls! had one play of more than 8 yards (0-10 on 3rd downs, 48 total yards), and it was that first down.

I expected nothing less from the Bulldogs when they played the Coastal Carolina Mascot Came from a Chaucer's Fables. The Chanticleers managed 112 yards of offense, but for a Dawg faithful that can only watch the game at a bar at 9 A.M. if he's lucky, I was not hinging hopes on anything but a shutout.

Despite playing three quarterbacks and getting even the backup waterboy some glory time, the dogs delivered. If you follow this Blog and, more importantly, the Bulldogs, you nod your head when I say you fully expect Georgia to give up a few meaningless touchdowns. You couldn't blame them if they did, with unproven and un-played pups taking the field to prove their mettle.

But there's something else going on here. UGA could've, by some objective opinions should've, beat SouthKackaLackie 'tween the hedges. Win, and you're in the driver's seat with a Miss Daisy schedule in the SEC East. The Dawgs lost but anyone watching that game will say: 1) UGA played their asses off and, 2) That was a most memorable game to watch.

So what's unique?

These players want Richt. They see a real leader that - and this is no bullshit - they would love to stand behind when they win The Big One. They don't want anyone else. They want to play for this man. Take it from the leader of UGA's team Aaron Murray (#2 in quarterback rating in the SEC, behind only "Tyler Bray," who's played Montana, Cincinnati and [HUGE dropoff in rating] Florida for Tennessee): "We are playing for wins right now. Wins equal him staying."

This week at Ole Miss, Georgia opened at -5 points. The line is now -10 and yours truly will take that (see below) to the bank feeling better about not receiving a kick in the ass. What does that tell you? Degenerate, always-betting sports gamblers move the lines. These people are, at best, 60% right, but that 10% is enough to scare Vegas into moving the line FIVE points in four days. Georgia could've just played their asses off for their CoachMR, at home and been hyped by the crowed. Hell, a few gimme scores by the Chauncer's Fables and I may be on that wagon.

I've been watching football long enough to know when I see something special, and this team has it. All of Dawg Nation will tell you we've always had the talent and the feeling we could always push it to the edge (also known as, Playing Down or Up to Our Opponent Sydnrom), but there's something ephemeral encompassing this season that ~~can’t be~~ will be explained here. Take the +10.

On to the week's bets. To recap, the rules are:

LOSER - Swift kick in the ass. No bullshit. Velocity of kick dependent upon kicker (kick-ee likely to ask for more)

WINNER - Bottle of his choosing.

BONUS - Winning Percentage more than 10% differential? Georgia home game football ticket

As always, it gets interesting as the season wheres on. Is it time to double down? Maybe a swift kick in the nuts (wearing 5 pairs of socks?) instead of an ass kick.

SEASON
OBJ
5-3
J-Rock
3-5
Editor's Note: Tough to go 0-4 when Vandy beats Ole Miss and Duke beats Boston College. J-Rock is new to this, fellers. He doesn't yet know Rule #1 of College Football Betting clearly dictates that you never bet on middle-of-the-pack (read: all) ACC teams. Let's see if he learned his lesson.

OBJ
Georgia (-10) Over Ole Miss
The Wynn is actually taking Georgia at -9.5 for this one. Good luck Wynn! Glad to know you follow every other relic of meaningful importance by proving yourself to be obsolete. No, seriously, the Wynn was the oringinator of the Vegas you (used to wish to) see. Yes, you began the MAJOR SPECTACULAR HOLY COW WHAT AN AMAZINGLY LARGE AND EVERYTHING IS HERE I COULD POSSIBLY WANT OR NOT WANT Vegas revolution. But get with the times. If I wasn't a poor-ass blogger I'd make a killing off your lazy-ass .5 differential.

Georgia and Ole Miss OVER 54
Are you kidding me? Georgia's going to lay at least 35 on these waysist folk. C'mon Ole Miss. Give me 19 points.

Florida State (+2.5) Over Clemson
Lock of the week. Wager everything you've got. Tell you what, if this doesn't pan out I'll YouTube myself - my fiance, my own fist or some random dude punching me in the nuts. In order of discretion, of course.

J-Rock
Michigan (-10) Over San Diego State
Miami (-12.5) Over Kansas State
Oklahoma State and Texas A&M UNDER 69

QUARTER TROPHY
The WNBA Playoffs is going on right now. Did you know?

/sexist joke

The loser of this week's picks receives the honor of the Tamika Catchings Honorary MVP award. Let's see how this plays out.

$500 to YOU, if You Can Tell Me the Two Teams in t

he WNBA Finals Without Looking it Up

GEORGIA IS A GIRL
Each week we're going to bring to you what the University of Georgia football team is, metaphorically speaking. In terms of a woman you are sexually/intellectually/spiritually interested in:

Week of 9/17
Love is hate. Hate is love. The two are inseparable. The only blissfully unaware people that do not know this are those that have never been in love - IN LOVE - enough to destroy themselves for another.

Georgia went away when you thought she may pan out. You could count on her for a could times, but she seemed...shallow in a sense. Even as a Georgia graduate you felt like there was something lacking in the fuse box department. Then you come to find she went to Law School at UGA and, well, damn, maybe she changed. MAYBE SHE'S BRIGHT.

I've met a tidy sum of women who graduated cum CONGRATULATIONS from the UGA Law School. Hate to sit on the fence but this is hit or miss. This observer is inclined to think UGA truly is turning a corner and not just attending breezy school to make a dolla.'

Sightseeing 9/22

2011-09-22T15:03:00.000-04:00

Lately, my life has resembled any number of William H. Macy characters. Late Saturday nights I usually resemble Frank Gallagher from HBO's "Shameless" which is perhaps whats wrong with my blog posts. Right now you can call me The Cooler, though, due to my tragicomic 0-4 picks from last week. My sphincter has tightened considerably knowing that OBJ owes me more than a couple kicks to the ass and he will likely pay me back in full come seasons end. Hopefully, as in the movie, I will triumphantly walk away with the girl in the end (metaphorically). On with the show.

[slurred sing song] "Louie Louie, oh no. Me gotta go. Aye-yi-yi-yi"

Let every American male admit they have Tom Brady envy. Good looks, riches, talent... He has everything we, or at least I, don't. He impregnates lingerie models on Saturday and throws TDs on Sunday. What did you do this weekend? As for me, see above pic.

Clemson getting the best of Auburn was the game of the week. I honestly didn't think they had it in them. Much like UGA, I feel Clemson is the 'big engine that couldn't'. It seems to help when your opponent plays the 'porno coverage'; gaping holes everywhere. Dyer is still the best thing around since... well Lattimore. Damn there are some great backs in the SEC! I hear that Dabo is a real players coach (check out his post game interview) and I wish him and his team the best of luck in the upcoming week when they host the Seminoles.

Matt Ryan appeared to be struggling for three quarters Sunday night. He was constantly trying to find some semblance of a pocket and picking himself up from the turf after many a play. Its a good thing ATL didn't abandon the run too early or we may have seen more INTs from those all star corners. I wouldn't put Samuels pick on Matty Ice's shoulders though, that was just fantastic play making. About the time Vick got his poetic justice, the Eagle's momentum shifted faster then a Porsche Tiptronic. Showing some fantastic poise, Matt found a way to win this game even with Roddy White mysteriously absent. Gonzalez was the difference maker much like Maclin, who missed the only one that really mattered. I fully suspect Philly would have won had con-Vick stayed in. He let the crowd know this by pointing at the score board as he left the game on a stretcher. Classy move from a classy guy. Well played game otherwise. Oh, but Dunta, please stop leading with your head. That $40K fine will definitely not be reduced this time.

Ravens follow a vindicating win over the Steelers with a loss to the Titans. By the transitive property of algebra, in week 5 the Titans should beat the Steelers by 41 points. mark it down.

There are many things I don't like about about FBS playing FCS schools. First, I feel downright awful for the visiting team. The Coastal Carolina Chanticleers did not want to come back onto that field after the half with Georgia (mercy rule anyone?). B. I think it gives the starters a false sense of accomplishment. If the only goal is play mistake free football, athletic differences greatly skew any meaningful result. Fourth, Even when the coach wants to take his foot off the gas, he puts in the second team. This is a rare opportunity for young players to prove themselves on the big stage and are going to give it their best effort. UGA's 2 deep roster handled things quite handily. Still I will take a win any way I can get it at this point in the season. Plus, we would never get the annual week 1 upset. This year it happened to Oregon State.

I bet Jax is having second thoughts about cutting Garrard. Check out McCown's stat line from this past week: 6/19 59yds 0td 4int 1.8 QB rating and add a safety on top of that for good measure. I hear the Jags will be starting Gabbert week 3.

What I want to see next week:

Stafford and the Lions to continue slaying their schedule
Richt to retain his coaching position for at least one more week
My picks to do a little better

Oh My Heart

2011-09-19T21:35:00.002-04:00

You may have seen during football broadcasts, the competing colleges will produce short promotional videos that I assume are used to attract potential students or encourage alumni donations. In the recent past, UGA's has been, for lack of a better word, ATROCIOUS!. Unfortunately, you may remember ta few years ago, a disgraceful bandwagon referencing to texting. I always felt the proud, resourceful, edu-macated folks at the university (whether it be students, faculty, or alumni) could do better. Perhaps with the coersion of others, we finally have a tv spot that better represents our values here in Athens. Below you will find a very dignified portrayal of our fine institution set to an emotionally stirring tune by local artists R.E.M.

The Bachelor - Andrew Luck Winners and Losers Week 1

2011-09-17T15:30:00.002-04:00

Hi, I'm Andrew Luck. Do you want me? Yeah, I know you do. Everyone wants me. But only one of you will have me, because even though I start out with 32 roses, eventually I'll only be handing out one. Take it away, OBJ.

Thanks, Andrew! Some interesting things going on in the NFL right now. The most interesting statistic after Week 1? 10 wide receivers compiled 100 or more receiving yards. Out of that 10? Three of their teams went on to twin the game. Conversely, seven running backs finished with one hundred yards rushing or more. Their team won 6 out of those 7 instances. What does this all mean?! Probably nothing, since having a sizable lead on your opponent generally dictates that you run the ball and milk the clock. But, if this trend continues, we may have a bona fide changing of the times on our hands, where running the football is more important than having explosive passing offenses. Sue's will be keeping an eye on this interesting notion, but after Week One it certainly appears that winning a game and having a 100-yard rusher go hand-in-hand.

WINNER
Indianapolis Colts
Oh, boy did you guys ever win. Finishing with nearly half as many first downs as your former doormat Houston Texans, you managed one touchdown in 4th quarter garbage time and less than 200 receiving yards against last year's worst passing defense. Granted, you had prune-juice chugging Kerry Collins chucking the ball, but guess what? That's not changing any time soon. You managed 4.72 yards average in 50 plays, and essentially declared to the NFL that they should come and feed on your carcass as if the rest of your schedule were a pack of starving hyenas. The time to give up hope on your season is now, but hark! A new hope is on the horizon!

Man, that would be such a blessing to play under Peyton for the first few years of my career. This is exciting!

Great point, Andy! Unfortunately, there's a decent chance Peyton never plays again, or is at least playing at 60-80% of his former self. The way this team is built, you may be starting your second - or even first - year.

LOSER
The Washington Redskins
This really should be Winner for "everyone else including fans," because nobody wants to see Andrew Luck go to an awful franchise, get mishandled and inevitably wind up a career backup. But oh, how the Redskins could've used a franchise quarterback. They wanted one so bad they allowed themselves to get hoodwinked into Donovan McNabb by a team in their own division. In a game that featured a combined 140 yards rushing, Rex Grossman had an admittedly good game, somehow throwing more touchdowns than interceptions. More importantly, the Redskins gained solid momentum in the NFC East Divisional race, which features the Eagles and some other teams. I would like to ask a Redskins fan how they feel about simultaneously talking themselves into a 2011 playoff run and the Sexy Rexy era, but I don't know any.

WINNER
Minnesota Vikings
Speaking of McNabb, wow! What a wonderfully shitty game you had, Donovan! 7/15 for 49 yards. 49 yards? Even someone who doesn't know anything about football can tell you that's stepping-in-dogshit-in-brand-new-kicks awful. I can hold my breath and run or swim 49 yards. I bet you never thought you'd get your winning ticket to the Luck Sweepstakes in a Donovan Shop, did you Vikings? The only bright spot in this game was Adrian Peterson nearly rushing for a hundred yards and screwing up our enlightening Rushing vs. Receiving Who Ya Got theory. Tell me, with only one turnover, how on earth did you only manage 187 yards? To put it in perspective just how terrible your team is offensively, do you realize Cam Newton gained 253 more yards by himself last week? That's right, Cam Newton threw and ran for 43% more yards than your entire team. He basically lapped you. On a positive note, your defense forced two turnovers, which unfortunately and unavoidably puts your offense back on the field.

Hey, being drafted by Minnesota wouldn't be so bad. Heck, I wouldn't even have to move!

Right you are, Andy! Minnesota almost looks to be trying to be LA's next team. Kudos to you!

LOSER
Cincinnati Bengals
Hey, Bengals, WTF are you doing? You've got "Andy Dalton" as your starting quarterback (injured, questionable for Week 2), Brady Gradkowski as your de facto starter, and Carson Palmer willing to retire just so he doesn't have to set foot in your dysfunctional organization again. And you're trying to throw TD bombs in the last second? Yo, you need to tank that shit like George Patton, son! Or better, yet, tank it like one of your adorably ill-conceived acquisitions, Tank! Look, this was a spectacularly even game, with both teams earning 17 first downs and about the same 290 yards of offense. So maybe tanking it would've looked...I don't know, obvious. But there's no shame in losing on purpose. Just ask the chick who "lost" her earrings and hair ties in your house.

We've got an exciting race, here. Join us next week when we discover the Winners and Losers of the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes!

I don't want to play for the Redskins.

I know, Andy!

Real Life Matters: Week Two

2011-09-16T19:36:00.008-04:00

Boy, oh boy. Ain't it the truth?

Two weeks ago I flew into Atlanta to watch my Georgia Bulldogs hopefully squeak out a win against the Idaho Spudpackers. I did not carry with me positive feelings as I boarded the plane. I was not confident we would send Boise back to the hairy, sweaty lower back of America wondering why they thought they could play on the same field as us.

I thought we would lose.

Fast forward to last week, and I allowed myself to get sucked in. I started to think, "Hey, wait a second. There's no way in the world we're that bad" and "Hey I forgot! We're playing at home!"

I called my brother and told him we were going to win, because this time I was confident. This time, I wasn't going to jinx my team with my confounded pessimism. My brother was gracious enough to text me no less than 8 times over and over Saturday night: "Fuck you and your guarantees."

I learned that it was a cellular glitch that allowed the nonstop barrage of text hatred, but the message was received nonetheless (pun unintended). That pretty much sums up the feelings of the Georgia faithful right now.

Why did you make us think we were going to be a force in the SEC? Why did you give us so many 10-win seasons in a row? Why did you make us believe we had a coach that would be around for 20 years? Fire talk is rampant. People are worried about the Dawgs being booed by their own fans. A promising season is nearly impossible at this point. There's despair, then there's

Okay, had to get that out of the system. To be certain, that was one of the greatest college football games I have ever seen. It truly felt like I was watching two SEC powerhouses going toe-to-toe in a heavyweight title match. It also felt like Georgia was going to win the game. Why?

Georgia 1st Downs - 23
Cocks 1st Downs - 15

Georgia 3rd Down Efficiency - 42%
Cocks 3rd Down Efficiency - 29%

Georgia Total Yards - 436 Yards
Cocks Total Yards - 395 Yards

A fake punt for a touchdown, another sack/fumble for a touchdown, and Georgia's done. South Carolina could very well go on to win the SEC East for the second time - bully to you South Carolina. Georgia looked incredible except for those costly errors (flukes, to this viewer, aside from CAN'T YOU SEE THE FAKE PUNT COMING YET JESUS), and if they had won, we would be talking about Georgia as a top 25 team that may make a push for the SEC East Crown.

As it stands we need South Carolina to lose two SEC games - not impossible with road games at Arkansas and a spunky Mississippi State looming for their West sked - but Georgia needs to finish undefeated to have a chance at greatness this season. I don't believe I've ever seen a coach save his job with a loss, but I believe CMR did just that with our impressive yet ultimately deflating performance against South Carolina.

On to the week's bets. To recap, the rules are:

LOSER - Swift kick in the ass. No bullshit. Velocity of kick dependent upon kicker (kick-ee likely to ask for more)

WINNER - Bottle of his choosing.

BONUS - Winning Percentage more than 10% differential? Georgia home game football ticket

Last week's picks leave us all tied up. Things will get interesting once J-Rock realizes what Over/Under really means.

SEASON
OBJ
3-1
J-Rock
3-1

OBJ
Penn State (-7) Over Temple
Minnesota (-4) Over Miami (OH)
Texas (-3.5) Over UCLA
South Carolina (-16.5) Over Navy

J-Rock
Ole Miss (-1.5) Over Vanderbilt
Boston College (-7) Over Duke
Arizona State (+1.5) Over Illinois
Michigan State and Notre Dame OVER 51

GEORGIA IS A GIRL
Each week we're going to bring to you what the University of Georgia football team is, metaphorically speaking. In terms of a woman you are sexually/intellectually/spiritually interested in:

Week of 9/17
Fittingly, it's not easy to write this. Georgia is the girl you fell in love with so hard, it's not that you can't look at another girl's ass. You simply don't. She breaks your heart, in the most Maury Povich way, and then starts sleeping with losers behind your back. Worst of fall, no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot even masturbate without thinking about her. She's the worst kind of chick - you're in love with her even though you see her faults slapping you in the face.

Golden D-Bag awards: First Edition

2011-09-16T00:36:00.000-04:00

The first awarding of the Golden D-Bag belongs to............

Tedy Bruschi

Congratulations Tedy. I used to respect your opinions given your history of performance and work ethic. Now I see you have parlayed your position to stroke yourself as some guru with an overinflated sense of importance. Listen to his comments about Chad Johnson's tweet following the Patriot's victory over Miami on Monday Night Football here. He fails to do himself any favors but most importantly his criticism of Johnson is completely unwarranted. Chad posts a harmless comment complimenting his QB on a job well done, if only TO could have been so supportive of his passers. I'm sure ochocinco will find his groove and be river dancing in the end zone soon. Shame on you Tedy, its only a game.

I understand that football is a business but an employer must take care of his employees to make for a productive work environment. I guess that is why the Jaguars cut Garrard altogether only days before opening kick. Come clean Jags, this move was entirely monetary. If you thought McCown gives you a better chance to win why not just move him up the depth chart. Poorly handled and well deserving of an honorary golden D-Bag award. I hope there is some recourse for David. Perhaps he could exact his revenge by join the Colts who are incidentally sharing this award with the Jags. Rolling Collins out of the retirement home sends a very clear message to Painter: "This guy is going to get a week of practice with the team and he will already be better than you." OUCH! If I were him I would use the clipboard for nothing but signing game checks. You deserve this one Colts if for nothing other than not having a contingency plan.

Sightseeing 9/15

2011-09-16T00:01:00.000-04:00

Consider this segment a safari through the previous week's sports landscape. I'll discuss, in brief, some of the more compelling things I saw over the weekend. What I won't do is analyze play by play or breakdown film. I'm not that smart and you're not that interested. On this safari, we take a picture of a lion without giving him a dental exam. Bring your mosquito nets. There's no antidote for the illness I'm about to bring.

Looks like the nose guard is lined up in the 3 technique

Let's start with Georgia football. The team made a dramatic improvement between Boise and SC. Now should I expect that same level of performance for the rest of the season? Of course not. Georgia always has a way of playing down to its opponents. That's just me being the eternal pessimist. The two toughest games are out of the way and if Bulldogs play with the resolve I know they are capable of, 10-2 is not outside the realm of possibility.

Ravens and Steelers. Usually a hotly contested defensive slobberknocker (yea I said it!) but... the Steelers forgot to get off the bus and Ray Rice made them pay. It's ok LeBeau, the ravens played enough defense for the both of yous.

Many circumstances led me to believe Scam Newton would faceplant against the big boys. Lack of OTAs, new head coach, Auburn's simplified playbook, and an underwhelming pre-season apparently prove nothing except Newton is a COMPETITOR. As much as I hate this, he had an impressive box score and will likely have continued success. This week against Green Bay will probably set that developement back at least one week.

How about the air show on Thursday night. Packers didn't miss a beat from last seasons spectacular finish. All the injured offensive weapons return and the defense looks stout, flying around, knocking some heads about. Let's give some recognition to Brees who willed the Saints downfield, showing amazing skills on his opponents field.

What I want to see next week:

Falcons to realize that the games stated counting... last week
Clemson to bring Auburn back down to earth. Its a long shot but a man can dream.
Braves to play some solid ball. Post season is almost a lock and some momentum would be nice
Another finish like we saw in Ann Arbor

Sounds Spicy!

2011-09-11T17:20:00.001-04:00

Football, unlike most other sports, plays almost exclusively on weekends. If you have the coveted Monday to Friday workweek, then the weekend is the time to kick back with some friends, enjoy your favorite adult beverage, and watch way more football than you actually need, deserved, or even wanted. I also arrange for something delicious to emerge from the kitchen at some point in the festivities. As my partner has referred to my work as confusing and soothing chili, I shall bring you just that; southwest gameday Chili.

2 lbs. ground meat (Venison is best, if you have one of those redneck friends who doesn't mind sitting in a tree, in the cold, at the ass crack of dawn to attain such amazing delicacies. Use beef if you're a traditionalist or turkey if you want to impress the girl you just met at the gym)
1 lrg can tomato sauce
1 med can diced tomatoes undrained
1 sm can tomato paste
1 can corn drained
1 can black beans drained
1 onion diced
1-however many you may need assorted peppers diced (anything from bell to chili [go figure] to jalapeno will do. Use scotch bonnet only if the gym girl isn't over. If she is, use the ones from your garden and you might just have a girlfriend by weeks end.)

Season to taste with, in order of quantity high to low:
Cumin
Chili powder
red pepper flake
Salt
Black pepper
Garlic
cayenne pepper (again, monitor usage according to gym girl)

Brown meat, and combine all ingredients in a crock pot. Cook on low for at least 4 hours. Garnish with shredded cheddar, sour cream, and Ritz crackers. Every batch may vary slightly, but never stray too far from home base lest you find yourself cutting your ton-ton open with your lightsaber and sleeping in the entrails just to survive the night. Happy gameday!

Not these chili peppers

Real Life Matters Week One

2011-09-10T03:31:00.003-04:00

STILL WORKS IN THE SEC
Hey There USC/UNC/MIA!!

Back when we were still giving you the reach-around at Runaround's, our bets were quite extravagant given the times. Let's be realistic and boil it down this time around. BOIL IT DOWN LIKE THEY DO IN 'SIANNA.

There are a measly 29 26 letters in the alphabet. So why in the hell is it so hard for people to throw 'em all together and write?

Self Pity party over - I hope you got your favors. We got a newbie on the betting line and a brand new if not compelling bet:

LOSER - Swift kick in the ass. No bullshit. Velocity of kick dependent upon kicker (kick-ee likely to ask for more)

WINNER - Bottle of his choosing.

BONUS - Winning Percentage more than 10% differential? Georgia home game football ticket

Here we go, then.

OBJ
AUBURN (+7) Over Mississippi State
TENNESSEE (-6) Over Cincinnati
TCU (-2) Over Air Force
Georgia Vs. South Carolina UNDER 51.5

J-Rock
OREGON (-26.5) Over Nevada
Cal (-6.5) over Colorado
TCU (-2) Over Air Force
Oregon St. and Wisconsin UNDER 57

It's unfair that OBJ lives so close to Vegas and understands odds, while J-Rock's best gambling days involve wagering naked pictures of his ex and a tire iron.

GEORGIA IS A GIRL
Each week we're going to bring to you what the University of Georgia football team is, metaphorically speaking. In terms of a woman you are sexually/intellectually/spiritually interested in:

Week of 9/10
This week, you could all write it yourself. Georgia is the girl you haven't seen for quite some time, but begins text messaging you like crazy for months when she knows you're back in town. She promises that she's lost a TON of weight since you last saw her in college, when she was "Too Big to Fit in a Bath Cath." You meet up with her one night, and lo and behold she looks INCREDIBLE. Unfortunately, she's wearing such baggy clothing (playing a pseudo top 5 team) you can't rightly tell what her figure looks like, and you're too damn exhausted to explore further.

The next date matters, CATHY. Are you the Cathy we knew in college who could chug beers and pass out on bathroom floors with the ~~worst~~ best of them? Or are you really the chick you put your ass out there to be?

Hokey uniforms give way to true ~~blue~~ red and black skin-tight clothing, GAl. Let's see how ya look.

A Rightly Introduction

2011-09-10T03:03:00.005-04:00

Hey Readers,

Just found out how easy it is to create POLLS on blogs!

Maybe I'll use this feature to allow all (none) of you to vote on what my new "call sign" should be, with consideration to OBJ's namesake resting (un)comfortably in hell.

J-Rock has clearly proven himself adept at writing about sports with his latest post (WTF are odds!?). Good things are to come, not unlike driving quite a long way to reach a long-awaited destination. Think - somewhere with water.

What you will also receive - and I hope I'm not blowing(up) my buddy too much here - is a completely confusing yet soothing blend of hodge podge entertainment/music/current events chili. Yes, chili. Stew is for Pollacks and poors. SOUNDS SPICY!

If he has it in him, J-Rock may even slam some NASCAR on you. Let's see if we can make this interesting.

-OBJ

Welcome back. Come on in?

Fantasy World: Where dreams go to die

2011-09-09T18:02:00.001-04:00

Welcome back fellow fantasy football fans. Labor disputes made for a pensive off season but I suppose there was enough money to go around. Hopes are always high early in the year. I stepped away after the second draft round thinking I was on my way to the best lineup since the dream team, and I'm not talking about the UGA freshman class. Realistically, anyone has a 1 in 12 (.083) chance [read: not good] of securing bragging rights, which are grossly underrated. Ninety percent of fantasy success resides in draft skills, the rest is making sure not to get taken in a bad trade. If the Patriots call with a trade proposal, just say no. You may have been (un)lucky enough to have the computer auto-draft your team. This provides you with a built in excuse for any lousy performance. You will also spend every Sunday afternoon sweating the possibility of your best running back option ending up on the IR for any amount of time. Count on Vick passing for 5 TDs and running for another 3 the week you face him and rest assured, your playoff hopes will be dashed by an absurd performance from a player like Kenny Britt.

Bawlin' Cawlin' 09-17-10

2010-09-17T22:19:00.009-04:00

Definitely hard to follow up SJF's post with a focus on college football. Let's just say on Georgia's season, we completely differ on accountability. Friday thinks this season will decide new Defensive Coordinator Grantham's future in Athens. This season may not - but it should - decide the future of Richt's future in the Classic City.

I will continue to hit on this until I'm either proven wrong or, unfortunately, right. If Richt leads another talented albeit young and learning team to a mediocre season, it matters not how many alumni and boosters are making catcalls towards the up-and-coming coaches out there (Boise's coach, for example, expensive but certainly attainable). Eventually, the decision-makers are going to begin evaluating their investment. Richt playing the role of our beloved and long-tenured coach is no longer sacrosanct. Richt as our future coach? This is going to come under consideration if we see another 8-5 season. 9-4 and you're on the hot seat next year, CMR.

Never thought I would ever have that thought process. Then again, beat Arkansas convincingly and I'll be the first one to Tarzan-swing on Richt's testicles. Moving on.

The picks.

Records
OBJ: 6-3
Joe Friday: 5-4

Still early to talk about percentages, but Sue's is a respectable 64% picking against the spread. We may want to dip our big toe's in the NFL Ocean soon...

Last Week's Picks
SJF
LSU (-9.5) over Vanderbilt (+1)
Oklahoma (-7) over Florida State (+1)
Tennessee (+12.5) over Oregon (-1)
Alabama (-12) over Penn State (+1)
OBJ
Georgia (+3) over South Carolina (-1)
Georgia/South Carolina OVER 46.5 (-1)
California (-8.5) over Colorado(+1)
Rice (+3) over North Texas(+1)

Another huge hit to SEC Snobs everywhere with Tennessee getting killed by Oregon at home last week. Box score?

		1	2	3	4	T
#7	ORE	3	10	14	21	48
	TENN	6	7	0	0	13

Tennessee has been the proverbial sacrificial lamb in recent years, losing to USC and now Oregon consistently, but with Ole Miss' bed-wetting against Jacksonville State last week, we have little to brag about. Of course, we can always point to recent BCS Championships and Alabama's seemingly-paved road to Arizona this year, but who wants to do that?

Today's Picks
Lots and lots of terrible games last week, and we're barely into ACC conference play. Several marquee match-ups this weekend.

Joe Friday 1: Kansas (+6) over Southern Mississippi

Joe Friday 2: Kansas/Southern Mississippi UNDER 51.5

Joe Friday 3: Florida (-14) over Tennessee

Joe Friday 4: Alabama (-23.5) over Duke

Joe Friday 5: Southern California (-11.5) over Minnesota

OBJ 1: California (-2.5) over Nevada
List of teams I never trust against the spread: Clemson, Virgina Tech, California. These teams ALWAYS screw you over when you trust them to take care of business. And yet you're always drawn to them...

OBJ 2: Connecticut (-5) over Temple
I may be a bit inebriated, because after looking through all of the lines I feel most confident about this one.

OBJ 3: Oklahoma State (-6.5) over Tulsa

OBJ 4: Georgia (-2.5) over Arkansas
This could be the whisper of death into all of the bulldogs taking the field tomorrow that read this blog (read: none of them). Sure, Sue's went 0-2 against the spread for you last week. But let's put it this way: lose this game, and I won't have you in my picks the rest of the year!

Forget it Jake, It's Columbia

2010-09-16T21:04:00.006-04:00

I mentioned this last week, but from 2002 through the 2006 Florida game, I expected the Dawgs to win every single game. That is 62 consecutive opening kickoffs I watched while thinking that there was no way Georgia could possibly lose this game.

(Edit note: I forgot the 2005 JoeT Florida game; probably because I have effectively blocked that game from my memory for five years now. I just remember sitting in my cubicle at work that Thursday, minimizing my IE window so I could sneak my tri-hourly peak at espn.com, and staring in horror as Tereshinski's pic emerged as the main picture on the front page. Safe to say that I could assume, even back then, that would be the last time that happened.)

Alot has changed since the early aughts, and those items need not be rehashed here. However, I can say with certainty that during last week's opening kickoff I did not expect the Dawgs to win. Okay, truth be told, during last week's kickoff I was rolling around in pain on my couch and popping asprin like Jelly Bellys trying to work off the after effects of the fact that Tin Roof is seemingly the only bar in the greater Atlanta area where last call prior to 5a.m. does not exist. But still, I am neither shocked nor appaled at the outcome of last week's game in Columbia.

Before the season, I was on the record saying that these Dawgs would finish the regular season 10-2 with losses to South Carolina and Florida. So far, so accurate. (Would have felt inappropriate to write 'so good' there.) And now, because the other 94 Georgia blogs are doing it, here are some more bullet points on the Carolina game, as well as the look ahead to this weekend's contest:

I was nowhere near as horrified by the effort on the defensive side of the ball. Allow me to take the easy way out and let the numbers explain:

2009 Garcia - 313yds passing, 31-53, 2TDs, 1INT, 49 rushing
2009 total yards allowed - 427
2009 points allowed - 37

2010 Garcia - 165yds passing, 12-17, OTD/INT, -4 rushing
2010 total yards allowed - 354
2010 total points allowed - 17

Is that good? No, not really. Is it improvement? Yes. I'll take that less than a week after Labor Day.

Look, the right move was to go ahead and force the true freshman running back playing in his first SEC game to beat you, rather than the veteran QB who torched you last year. The Dawgs dared Marcus Lattimore to beat them. It just so happens that he took their dare, laughed at it, threw it back at their faces, and proceeded to deficate on it. Too bad.

The defense wasn't all roses, obviously, and we knew there would be some growing pains. To run a 3-4 effectively, your nose tackle needs to be able to take on two offensive lineman. With DeAngelo Tyson unable to do that for much of the game, SC's guards were able to quickly pick up and destabilize our interior linebackers. The big difference between this year's and last year's game was Carolina's 3rd down conversions (and of course, Lattimore). Last year: 6-17 on 3rd downs. This year? 9-14.

Therefore, there was not much surprise this week when Richt announced that Justin Anderson and Kwame Geathers would see more work at NT this week against a large Arkansas offensive line.

With their big receivers, accomplished QB, stellar offensive line and possibly the best SEC back since Knowshon, giving up 17 points to SC isn't the end of the world. Anyone comparing the tackling errors on Saturday to the Willie Martinez era should be forced to re-watch the 2nd half of 2008 UGA-Tech on a consistent loop, Clockwork Orange style. Let's just be happy SC was without (and will continue to be without) TE Wesleye Saunders and move on.

So...the offense. This is what really dissapointed me. Believe me, I have come to expect the conservative Richt/Bobo offense early in the season with limited personnel. So it didn't shock me at all that Murray was handed the JoeT playbook last week.

However, as the game proceeded, and it was evident that Murray could handle the offense, and that Ealey's effectiveness was two quarters past, I would have liked to have seen the playbook opened up and Murray allowed to send the ball downfield a bit more often. I know Georgia's TE's weren't playing up to snuff (by far and away, the biggest disappointment of the game, IMO), but between them and Brown, you have the horses. Running Ealey between the tackles for two-yard gains was clearly not working.

Alas, losing AJ Green on Thursday really destroyed the offensive gameplan. I'd imagine the Dawgs were able to spend this whole week of practice devising an offensive blueprint based around AJ not being in the lineup. Thanks again, NCAA. If you could wait until 8pm, instead of 8am, to announce you are upholding the suspension, that would be great, as well as completely fucking expected. I'd really like to know how you were able to get through Jeremiah Masoli's transcripts and police reports so quickly, really.

Moving forward, it's Arkansas week. The Hawgs seem like this season's SEC team du-jour. A squad that is overrated at the beginning of the year, feasts on cupcakes early, celebrates a semi-big win in September (let's hope not) before coming crashing down in October and eventually limping to a 2nd tier bowl. South Carolina usually fills this role nicely, last year it was Ole Miss.

Arkansas has beaten two cupcakes by a combined score of 75-10. They have Heisman Trophy "candidate" (read: he has no shot) Ryan Mallet quarterbacking the offense. Mallet has the speedy Joe Adams and the huge Greg Childs as his wideout targets, but the offense passing game really centers around the best TE in the SEC and maybe the nation in DJ Williams, a true beast over the middle. If the conventional wisdom is that the secondary is Georgia's defensive strength, we will find out if that CW is remotely true this weekend.

I had this game penciled in as a win all summer. Wthout Green, I think it is a bit closer to a tossup. Having Caleb King back will be huge, as Georgia can not afford the 3-and-outs that plauged them against the Gamecocks. Allow Arkansas to control time of possession and this game is kaput. Likewise, we cannot afford to get in a shootout with the Hawgs. This game will make or break how Todd Grantham is viewed early in his Athens tenure, for better or for worse. Let's give it to the Dawgs on a late field goal (as we all know Richt loves to), 27-24.

Other thoughts on college football, this week and last:

Two years ago, when Sue's had 9 readers (two of whom were OBJ's girlfriend and dad), we bashed the ACC incessantly, week after week in this space. This year, we will let every other blog and even the mainstream media to steal our thunder.

Boise State fans: start booking your hotels in Tempe...just for a week earlier than you were expecting.

I think the Heisman is a meaningless and idiotic award, as evidenced by all the handwringing over Reggie Bush having to give back a trophy that is probably the 785th most important keepsake in his life right now. That said, Terrelle Pryor has the look that a clear-cut Heisman "I'm the fucking man" candidate has (much like Bush had in 2005, or Charles Woodson had in '97). If this were a basketball or hip-hop post, swag would have been the word I was looking for. I think it is his award (as well as BCS national championship game) to lose.

If Tech loses to a ravaged North Carolina squad this week, it will be safe to say that the honeymoon period for Paul Johnson and The Perfect Option is over.

Sorry...just one ACC dig that I haven't seen elsewhere. How telling is it, that for their conference game of the week at 3:30 on ABC, the broadcast will be live from...Duke. As they take on Alabama. And by take on, I mean 'get slaughtered by.'

Remember when the Florida-Tennessee game was actually anticipated each year, as well as a lock to host gameday? Seems like eons ago.

It may not be this weekend in Baton Rouge, but Mississippi State will upset a ranked team or two this year. Book it.

Speaking of upsets, I was ready to pounce all over Texas Tech +7.5 over Texas....now the line is down to 3 in some sports books. As if bookies driving around in Benzes and 7-series' wasn't enough of a reminder, now would be a good time to mention...don't fuck with Vegas. This is now offically a stay away game...just don't be surprised if/when it comes down to the final possession.

OBJ will be in tomorrow with some picks and maybe a paragraph or two on Steve Nash.

Bawlin' Cawlin' 09-09-10: Lock Box Edition

2010-09-10T19:00:00.005-04:00

This is our Lock Box. Stuuuurdy.

Sure, it's early in the year. Not much point in revealing Sue's vaunted and on-point Top 10 list just yet, right? So we can have it on the initial record, though, look for big things this year from Oregon (OBJ's Top 10 Surprise), who only has to beat up on a weakened [possible?] and unstable PAC-10) and - you're not going to believe this, but - Georgia (SJF's Top 10 Surprise) to spice things up. Two years ago Sue's had Alabama in our Top 2 all year long, while everyone else saw them in a "building year." Count on Oregon and (I guess?) Georgia to finish in the Top 10 at year's end.

But, 2010 college gridiron being as such in the infant stage, let's officially enact something just as legitimate as College Football pre-and-early season rankings. The Runaround Sue's Lock Box!

Answering the most pressing questions in sports, we'll break down exactly how these unforeseeable events will transpire. Picking baseball, basketball and football boils down to a crap shoot, so being able to guess +60% in all of those is the same as predicting amongst an infinite amount of possibilities, right?

The questions for our Inaugural Box:

Will AJ Green's absence - or arrival - this season mean much in the grand scheme of things to the bulldogs' season?

But we have to believe that CMR (7-2 in bowl games, recruited #1 overall pick NFL draft) was and is still a top ten coach. It couldn't have all been the talent that Donnan (4-0 in bowl games, stellar recruiting classes) brought in, right? I mean, I love David Greene, but did you ever believe it was him (concession that he's the second all-time winningest quarterback in NCAA history) - and not the road map of CMR - that brought Georgia into national significance?

Plays like this won games and created memorable seasons, not Greene's unbelievable talent:

Word is Murray had never heard of 44-Flyback Rooskie before he met with Greene.
He should know it - and use it - well by now.

Georgia had plenty of close games in the early 2000s while they worked to gain reputation in the SEC. If Georgia can go 3-1 in the games AJ's out, his arrival back in the mix will mean a chance at an SEC Championship berth. Many in the bulldog nation feel Georgia's going to lose to South Carolina or Arkansas, perhaps both. If the Bulldogs have two losses when AJ's back to roast defensive backs, it will be too late.

But with a redshirt freshman quarterback, the Bulldogs' best player out for 1/3 of the season and a backfield lacking a standout all-purpose rusher, the coaching staff will be nearly more instrumental than the players on the field. Bobo's handling of his green quarterback will be key. Grantham's new defensive scheme and how quickly the defense picks it up will be key. And how CMR coaches his games against some of the best program heads in football will be the ultimate decider between a great and mediocre season.

So that's what Georgia needs this year. For Richt to step up and be the coach we all knew - and now think - he is. I don't care how close the wins are. Give me gut-wrenching slobber-knocking fist fights all year long. We need a road map to victory, Coach.

Basically, Georgia fans, if you still have faith in your Coach,
you have faith in Friday's 10-2 prediction.

Prediction: AJ's absence will matter. He's one of the best players out there, and arguably the best wide receiver in college football. His comeback will be meaningful, because the bulldogs will be in the hunt for the SEC East crown.

Will Steve Nash have a noticeably precipitous drop in effectiveness this season?

Sergeant Friday edited this post, deleting my thoughts on this topic and leaving behind a strong-worded short note kindly asking me to focus on football in September. I suppose he feels strongly about it. More on Nash later.

I know, Steve, I know. What gives, right? Don't worry: you'll get the treatment.

Prediction: TBD

~~Will Tiger Woods regain his form?~~ Will Tiger Woods eventually overtake Jack Nicklaus?

Let's not be weak and take the easy road here. Of course Woods is going to regain at least some of his previous, championship form. Dominating? Probably. As intimidatingly and frighteningly imposing he was before? Doubtful.

The score: Woods has 14 majors, Nicklaus 20.

Tiger Woods is nearly 36 years old. Jack Nicklaus won his last major at August National in 1986 at the tender age of 46.5 years-old. Between the ages of 36.5 and 46.5, Nicklaus won six majors.

Are the courses different, most would say more difficult? Is the level of competition higher? Is Tiger working on surgically repaired shoe-fillers? Sure. But all Tiger has to do at this point is replicate the Golden Bear's prime-to-twilight years, and he'll match his majors wins.

The record will be here that SJF disagrees with me here, so there's likely an obnoxiously batty wager borne from this discussion similar to our $1000 "Pitchers will/won't be wearing helmets in 8 years." Silly boys.

Mark me down for yes. I'm not positive he'll break Jack's record, but I know he will at least match it.

Prediction: SJF says no, Jammin' certain he'll match 20 within 10 years. Should we change Sue's Lock Box to Sue's Time Capsule?

Will Boise State go undefeated?

This topic has been discussed too much already, so let's just go with the predictions.

Prediction: Joe Friday sees a loss to Oregon State. OBJ likes an undefeated Boise State at season's end.

Undefeated, does Boise go on to the BCS National Championship game in Arizona?

Prediction: Runaround Sue's collectively and emphatically says: No.

Records
OBJ: 4-1
Joe Friday: 2-3

A solid start, but too early to be talking percentages.

Last Week's Picks
SJF
Virginia Tech (+2) over Boise State (-1)
Oregon State (+13.5) over TCU (+1)
Memphis (+22) over Mississippi State (+1)
Florida/Miami of Ohio OVER 52.5 (-1)
LSU(-6.5) over UNC (-1)
OBJ
UGA/Louisiana Lafayette OVER 51.5 (+1)
Maryland (+6.5) over Navy (+1)
UCLA/Kansas State UNDER 44.5 (-1)
Michigan (-3) over UCONN (+1)
Kentucky (-3) over Louisville (+1)

Big blow to Sec Snobs everywhere with Ole Miss forgetting how to play football last weekend. Methinks they're just too worried about their mascot, what with not being able to secure the rights to Admiral Ackbar and everything.

It's a trap!

Today's Picks
Lots and lots of terrible games last week, and we're barely into ACC conference play. Several marquee match-ups this weekend.

Joe Friday 1: LSU (-9.5) over Vanderbilt

Joe Friday 2: Oklahoma (-7) over Florida State

Joe Friday 3: Tennessee (+12.5) over Oregon

Joe Friday 4: Alabama (-12) over Penn State

OBJ 1: Georgia (+3) over South Carolina
Why does South Carolina always give Georgia fits? Anyone outside the SEC should still watch this game. These two teams always make it interesting...

OBJ 2: Georgia/South Carolina OVER 46.5
...and usually low-scoring, too. The Gamecocks have an excellent defense and can finally stop the run this year, but Aaron Murray may just be the real deal.

OBJ 3: California (-8.5) over Colorado
Here's hoping I'm wrong on this one. A win for Colorado can only make the SEC look better after Georgia disgraces them in Boulder, especially with Tennessee inevitably awaiting an absolute drubbing in Neyland Stadium at the hands of Oregon this week.

OBJ 4: Rice (+3) over North Texas
Rice? It appears Rice is a Conference USA team with 5,000 students. Tuition is $33,120 and the school features a student body comprised of 40% minorities! Plus their campus is very pretty. Go Owls!

And now, for your viewing pleasure, the sponsors of Sue's Lock Box.

WHO ARE THE AD WIZARDS THAT CAME UP WITH THIS ONE!?!

2010-09-10T00:05:00.004-04:00

If the Thrashers and Hawks had the exact same marketing slogans just three years apart, I'd chalk it up to yet another notch on the TJ Maxx discount-bin belts of the Atlanta Spirit LLC (a cheapness that for SOME inexplicable REASON did not extend to Mr. Joe Johnson).

However, what I would like to know, is how the fuck did THIS happen:

I know the ad industry is hurting right now, and that more people have watched that video on YouTube than attended Hawks games that season (Antoine Walker, Al Harrington and Ren Wright RIP as the main three attractions!), but c'mon, generic sports marketing agency. That's just lazy.

They Ain't Know, I Gotta Go

2010-09-09T22:48:00.003-04:00

Despite what Bill Simmons says, I do not think it is prudent to gamble large sums of money on the first week of the college/NFL season. Look, I trust my knowledge of all things football as well as my prognosticating skill. However, I don't think anyone really knows just how good/bad a team can be until actually seeing said team play at least a game or two. And it is because of that line of thinking, I am loathe to make any sweeping generalizations about college football (OMG FLORIDA'S OFFENSE DOESN'T LOOK THAT GOOD MAN, THEY ONLY SCORED 34 POINTS, I DON'T SEE HOW THEY CAN BEAT US) after a week when most teams played cupcakes.

So that said, I took away very little from last weekend. However, this is a blog, so there must be baseless predictions. Here are three:

1. Alabama will not miss Mark Ingram that much, Trent Richardson will prove to be the most talented RB on Alabama's roster, and a disgruntled and less-than-100% Ingram will return to a three deep situation with Richardson and Eddie Lacey.

This is pretty self-explanatory and not much of a ballsy prediction. The fact that Alabama will be able to trot out those three guys , however, leads to my thinking that Alabama will once again find itself playing for the BCS National Championship.

2. Brian Kelly, much like Tyrone Willingham and Charlie Weis, will start strong against a less-than-stellar schedule, appear on the cover of Sports Illustrated headlining an "ARE THE IRISH FINALLY BACK??" story, lead Notre Dame to an undeserving BCS bowl with a 9-3 record. The Irish will then lose said BCS bowl by at least two touchdowns.

Again, not that ballsy. I do like Kelly as a coach, I just think Notre Dame is no longer a program that can win on a dominant consistent basis.

3. Georgia will go 10-2 and play for the SEC title.

Full disclosure: I made this prediction thinking that AJ Green would play all 12 games. But, fuck it, I'm not going to change it up. I predicted losses to SC and Florida, and I still think those will happen. I truly believe Arkansas is overrated, and if we could beat Auburn and Tech last year without Green, I don't see why we couldn't do likewise against an admittedly frisky Mississippi State squad. The front seven will be shaky at times this year, but I think the secondary will be among the elite units in the SEC, both in terms of top quality and depth. The offense has enough weapons and depth as well to withstand a freshman quarterback and Green missing a third of the season.

This isn't a homer pick either. Sure, I went into every game between 2002-2005 expecting a Georgia win; but after the Oklahoma State game last year, or even throughout Stafford's entire reign as QB, I always felt that deep rooted pessimism and 'we will ultimately fuck this up'-edness that defines one's rooting interest as a Hawks or Braves fan. I don't foresee that this year. I don't see one game on Georgia's schedule (as of yet) that they should not be in at least until the final minute or two.

And while we are here, a couple more Georgia thoughts:

It was much to my surprise that the uber-uptight "WHAT WOULD ERK DO/YOU DURN YUNG'INS ARE RUINING NORTH CAMPUS/JACKSONVILLE IS TOTALLY A NEUTRAL SITE" Dawgosphere came down so hard on the NCAA for their suspension of AJ Green. Look, I hate the NCAA and think they are a hypocritical, inconsistent, power-hungry, useless, bureaucratic organization. I don't give a shit if Reggie Bush keeps his Heisman or if Marvin Austin spent his entire summer blowing an agent. But the rules are the rules and you know the NCAA enforces them strictly. Therefore, AJ is a dumbass. He took money from an agent/shady dude. (Save the "it was for a jersey" bullshit. He took money from an agent/shady dude and gave him a worthless jersey. Pretty clear.) Is four games too much? Probably. Does it suck? Absolutely. Did AJ Green knowingly break the rules? All signs point to yes, unfortunately.

I remember thinking that Georgia Tech's wasting of Calvin Johnson's career by having Reggie Ball as his quarterback was a waste akin to pouring a free bottle of Makers Mark into a toilet. Got to admit though, AJ's career can't be far behind. His freshman year with Stafford was great, but he was just coming in and catching his stride as Staff was on his way out. His sophomore year heavily involved Joe Cox and me texting friends during Georgia games that I was feeling sorry for Green several times. Now his junior and final season features a redshirt freshman quarterback throwing to him for eight games. If he plays in every game after his suspension is up, he will have played in 31 games over three seasons.

Did not think I'd ever be anticipating a Georgia game where I would have more confidence in our 3rd-string TE than our #1 receiver.

Carlton Thomas is going to get some looks as a 3rd down back this Saturday, and I wouldn't be surprised if he gets more looks than Ealey. However, by the Tennessee game, I fully expect him to be our garbage-time back. King and Ealey are too stout back there and Richt has always loved giving the fullbacks some run.

I know it was stupid, but I loved Murray's TD scramble at the end of the 1st half.

I refuse to make any sweeping generalizations about the defense until after the South Carolina AND Arkansas games. But lets just say I am very, very excited.

North Campus was a fucking ghost town on Saturday. Hated that. But at least the migrant workers that have made that area of campus spic and span and looking flawless within 24 hours of EVERY HOME GAME FOR THE LAST TWENTY YEARS had very little to clean up Sunday morning. That makes it all worthwhile.

Go Dawgs. So glad football is back. And while we are here, off-the-cuff bowl predictions!

BCS Championship: Alabama-Ohio State

Rose Bowl: Oregon-Michigan

Orange Bowl: Florida State-Notre Dame

Fiesta Bowl: Texas-Boise State

Sugar Bowl: Georgia-West Virginia (ugh...)

Bawlin' Cawlin' 09-03-10

2010-09-03T21:55:00.012-04:00

They're ready. Are you?

College Football is back, and with it COMES...no, not raging keggers producing drunken co-eds like a Model-T factory line. Not the gorgeous weather that somehow manages to be both "warm" and "cool" simultaneously. Not the agonizingly painful but duty-bound 7:15 wake-up call for a nooner gameday after diligently attempting to 3-hour sleep off the night before. Nah, peeps! Bawlin' Cawlin's back in session!

First thing's first: to both of our readers out there, who have been awaiting our outlook on the Bulldogs' impending season like OBJ waiting to hear the latest America's Got Talent winners, wait no further. After talking myself into a possible SEC Championship game appearance last year with Mr. Joe Cox at our helm, I've managed to surpass those insanely unreasonable expectations this year. Can you say National Championship?

Good. But there's very likely no way in hell that's going to happen. Thinking that our redshirt freshman quarterback had every chance in the world to lead us to a BCS title game berth, Sue's decided to hook up with our friends at CollegeFootballReference.com. The results surprised me, but likely will not stir any of you: Dating back to 1999 (the beginning of the BCS), only one redshirt freshman quarterback led his team to a BCS Championship game. And that player is? Mike Vick. In losing to Florida State that year, Vick remains the only true redshirt freshman quarterback to take his team to the promise land.

"Okay, parade-rainer. Lowering expectations a bit, how 'bout just the SEC Championship game? That's definitely possible."

Sure it is, however very unlikely. Not a single true redshirt freshman quarterback has led his team to the SEC CG. Special consideration does go to Matt Mauck, who accepted an offer to LSU in 2000, was coached at the time by Nick Saban (the same coach who recruited him to play football at Michigan State three years earlier). Mauck was redshirted during the 2000 season, and saw limited action during the 2001 regular season. His first significant action came during the 2001 SEC CG, when he came off the bench to replace injured starting quarterback Rohan Davey. Mauck would run for two touchdowns, lead the underdog Tigers to a come-from-behind 31-20 victory over the heavily-favored Volunteers and become the single redshirt freshman quarterback to win the SEC CG. Still, it's not as if he started the whole season, or even that entire game. Plus, he was playing baseball for the Cubs for three years straight out of high school before attending his first collegiate practice, so we'll just call this a Mauck Addendum.

Now, Aaron Murray is no Matt Mauck, so perhaps it's still within the realm of reason that I expect the drought of Georgia's CG appearances to end this year. Also, Murray should be thankful he's no Matt Mauck, regardless if he joins him as a RSFQ to win the SEC CG: Mauck currently is enrolled at the University of Colorado School of Dentistry after failed attempts at playing professionally for the Cubs, Broncos, Titans and Jaguars. Hey, Tigers. I'm not Maucking you. He won two BCS championships, right?

So let's temper our enthusiasm a bit this year. I'm accepting nothing less than an SEC CG game appearance. Friday?

SJF's prediction of the season? Bulldogs will go 10-2

I see nothing wrong with this. We don't play LSU or Alabama in the West. South Carolina, always a tricky dicky, playing at home with more than a week to prepare, could definitely cause us problems. But other than that? A better-than-expected Auburn and Arkansas will make for great games, but I just don't see us having another mediocre season. I mean, no matter how much of it he gets from above, at some point Richt's gotta start missing the love, right?

In all honesty, I never thought we'd be here. The Bulldog Nation is truly one miserable season away from all-out recruiting efforts to find a new head coach. Admittedly I was naive, but I knew for sure Richt would be around for decades. I've been scoffing at his detractors for the past three years now, and if Sue's doesn't see something to root for - something to give us hope that we'll be anything other than that "aww gee shucks lookie they tried" SEC East also-ran - those murmurs may grow to unified calls, which will grow to loud, endless demands from the boosters, alumni and ticket buyers. I never thought this was possible, but ours could just be one of those voices.

Join us Tuesday when we run through Sue's Top 12. You may just be surprised with a few of the teams...

On to the picks!

Records
OBJ: 0-0
Joe Friday: 0-0

We've had airplane and Braves game tickets, booze and food up for grabs. What's it going to be this round?

Tune in next week.

Today's Picks
This will mark the first time I've wagered on College Football. Let's hope my prodigious talent for picking 65% winners continues.

Joe Friday 1: Virginia Tech (+2) over Boise State

Joe Friday 2: Oregon State (+13.5) over TCU

Joe Friday 3: Memphis (+22) over Mississippi State

Joe Friday 4: Florida/Miami of Ohio OVER 52.5

Joe Friday 5: LSU (-6.5) over UNC

OBJ 1: UGA/Louisiana Lafayette OVER 51.5
I imagine Georgia can score 45 points on Lafayette and graciously allow 10 points, right? RIGHT?! I suddenly regret this pick.

OBJ 2: Maryland (+6.5) over Navy
What the hell happened? Did Navy [re]turn to a powerhouse without me knowing it? Paul Johnson's doing his thing at Tech, ain't he?

I'll follow that with my obligatory, "if the ACC can't even handle this cupcake of a cover, they're off my board the rest of the year." Unless they're playing equally mediocre ACC teams.

OBJ 3: UCLA/Kansas State UNDER 44.5

OBJ 4: Michigan (-3) over UCONN

OBJ 5: Kentucky (-3) over Louisville

Let's get on that work, gentleman

Love of the Game, or Something

2010-09-03T13:12:00.005-04:00

ESPN's 30 for 30 documentary series has been critically acclaimed and lauded for the almost full year that it has aired, so it hardly needs a ringing endorsement from a comatose blog. That being said, the series deserves all the credit that has been heaped upon it.

On the surface, it seems like such a simple idea. Take a bunch of relatively under-explored sports stories from the last 30 years, and get mostly established filmmakers to delve into the compelling aspects of those stories. But the execution has been superb, and here's hoping that the series continues moving forward past the currently slated 32 documentaries scheduled.

I haven't been able to catch every documentary...far from it actually, but here are my reviews of the ones that I have been lucky enough to catch. Because who doesn't want to read something critiquing a TV series by someone who is neither a writer or a TV critic?

First off, the 30 for 30s I haven't caught (actual titles unavailable due to laziness):

The Band That Wouldn't Die - Story of the Baltimore Colts marching band. I'd like to see this one eventually, hopefully it will be heavier on the Colts, their connection to the city of Baltimore and their subsequent departure than actual band-related stuff.

Who Killed the USFL - The USFL has always intrigued me, seeing as how some of the best NFL players from my childhood got their start there. Add in Herschel Walker, Donald Trump, and this is a must see.

Ali/Holmes - Muhammad Ali stories have never interested me, yet I'm always glad when I read/watch anything featuring him. Fascinating subject. If I ever catch this doc, I doubt I'll be disappointed.

Len Bias - Enough already. Every year on the 'anniversary' of his death, we are regaled with stories of this supposed legend and how he was to be Jordan's rival, etc. etc. etc. Others have done a better job deconstructing the myth surrounding this guy, so I won't expound on it. Let's just move on.

Jimmy the Greek - An alleged gambling drunk with a penchant for running his mouth? Count me in.

Winning Time, Reggie Miller vs. the Knicks - By all accounts, this was a fantastic piece, and I still remember watching these matchups from my adolescent years. That said, I find it slightly weird that a documentary focuses on a bunch of non-NBA (and sometimes non-Conference) finals series between two teams that ultimately never won shit. It would be like a filmmaker breaking down those epic round 1 matchups between the Hawks and Pistons from the mid-90s.

Silly Little Game - I already hate hearing people talk about fantasy sports. I don't want to watch a 2-hour documentary where people talk about fantasy sports.

16th Man - Didn't see Inviticus, don't plan on seeing the real life version. Rugby? Apartheid? Not a fan of either.

Big Air - I saw some of the most recent X-games. It captured my attention briefly before I changed the channel and put on the mediocre, yet enjoyable, Stepbrothers. I imagine I would do likewise with this doc about Matt Hoffman.

And now, in reverse order of awesomeness, the 30for30s I have seen:

8. Run Ricky Run - I still say Ricky Williams is the greatest college running back I have ever seen. His career arc could probably never be duplicated, and that is fascinating in and of itself. However, some parts of this doc...his stoner friends, lack of affection for his kids, his homely mistresses, were just kinda creepy. And writing that is actually making me rethink my own life, I'm just realizing...natch.

7. Straight Outta LA - Ice Cube, NWA, Snoop, the old Raiders and their batshit crazy fans...all enjoyable. Unfortunately, all that wasn't enough to make up for a time line that didn't add up (i.e. the Raiders sucking ass when NWA was ascending) and two stories that ultimately, as much as Ice Cube tried, weren't really intertwined.

6. Little Big League - Combined one of my favorite sports narratives (the dominant youth team coming of age, ala Hoop Dreams or the book Boys of Crenshaw) and one of my least favorite sports narratives (Baseball as a metaphor of life, waxing poetic about a sport declining in popularity). Enjoyed it more than I thought.

5. Jordan Rides the Bus - Great subject matter, disappointing execution. Who gives a shit about his real estate agent? Was anyone not aware of how competitive and how much of a hard worker MJ was? More info about adjustments to life in the minor leagues, inside stories about what it was like to be his teammate or play against him would have been interesting. Repeated stories about his work ethic and how impressive his .200 batting average were got old quickly.

4. No Crossover: The Allen Iverson Trial - Fascinating material. Really changed the way you could view AI. That said, this did not need to be two hours. We get it. Hampton, Virginia has racial issues. These kids were wronged (Maybe. The film seemed to simply expect the audience to take the side of the accused black youths.). Could have been done in an hour.

3. Guru of Go - I wanted to hug random strangers on the side of the road after seeing this story of Paul Westhead's Loyola Marymount teams. The impending buildup to Hank Geathers death was painful, but inevitable. The recounting of their run through the 1990 NCAA tournament was exhilarating. Very, very heavy material. Not sure I could or would even want to sit through this one again, but I am glad I did.

2. June 17, 1994 - Interesting strategy with this one...no narrator, just film clips. It was cool how they tried to throw in Arnold Palmer's final US Open round, the beginning of the World Cup, and Junior Griffey's 200th (or whatever) career homerun, but all I (or most anyone) will remember from this day was everything OJ and how that pre-empted the NBA finals. That other stuff was just filler. Still, it was captivating to re-live the massive shitstorm that was the OJ story that day. I think we can all thank the powers that be that Fox News and CNN weren't the 24-hour news behemoths that they are today on June 17, 1994.

1a. Da U - Total Copout, picking two #1s. Luckily, nobody is reading this. By far and away, the most entertaining of all the docs. Loved the story of Michael Irvin claiming Dolphins players were begging Miami college kids to get them into da club. Howard Schnellenberger, Jimmy Johnson, VinnyT, Canes players wearing camo to the Fiesta Bowl, you couldn't miss with this doc. Truly a tour de force. You can't usually say this with documentaries, but this would be enjoyable to re-watch. Only loses a few points for acting as if Butch Davis and the uptight administration ended a great run, when it actuality, it was probation that hurt the Canes in the mid-90s, only to have Butch Davis bring them back to relevance and assemble the most talented collegiate team of the last 30 years.

1b. The Two Escobars - This felt as if I was watching a real movie. Seriously, it was like the sequel to City of God. Could you imagine a prominent US athlete being thrown in jail and missing the world's biggest sporting event because he was helping a drug lord funnel money to kidnappers? The stacked Columbian national soccer team shitting the bed at the '94 World Cup would have been an incredible enough story, through in the drug-funded soccer leagues, Pablo Escobar, that one soccer player with the crazy hair that was recognizable even to kids like myself who didn't give a shit about soccer, and the fact that the country's best defenseman was killed not so much for scoring a goal in his own net, but moreso for talking shit to the wrong people at a club, and well, that is just an incredible, sad story. One of those things you're watching and you can believe took place only 15 years ago.

There are still plenty of docs coming up. The Marcus Dupree one looks good, as does the Tupac/Tyson one and the SMU doc (always wondered why they were randomly good in the 80s). Hell even the one about the gay NASCAR driver seems slightly intriguing, if only for the WTF factor. In any case, we can all agree that this original programming by ESPN beats the hell out of Playmakers, or any of those made-for-TV movies they made in the mid-aughts. ALL I WANNA DO IS RACE DADDY.

And just to ensure you DEFINITELY never return...

2010-05-11T23:08:00.001-04:00

This blog...well, its fucking dead. I can't even scroll down for fear of the cringe-inducing sporadic posts that constituted the final days of Sue's. I'm sure there's a video of Steve Nash or something down there. So in that spirit...I present to you a list (more where that will come from, for better or worse) of The Top Ten Beers.

Now, obviously, this is just some jackass with a blog's opinion. Not to mention, beer taste is totally subjective. You can take all your fancy, dark, "tasteful," "i drank this in germany," "i like hoppy beer" opinions to some microbrew blog for refined douchebags. If I'm drinking beer, I'm drinking it for two reasons: 1) to heighten my experience while dining at a mediocre Mexican establishment or 2) to get mind-numbingly intoxicated. I don't want a beer that tastes like a 5 course meal. Onto the list:

1) Amstel Light - Crisp, light, has a unique taste, comes in a well-insulated bottle. If I am at a wedding that is serving Amstel Light, that is what I am drinking all night, open bar or not.

2) Natural Light - Tastes like water? So fucking what? Who the hell doesn't drink water? First of all, its nowhere near as water-y as detractors make it out to be. It still has a substantial Bud Light flavor to it. And at less than 8 dollars for a 12-pack and never more than $15 for a 30 pack, its the best value in brew.

3) Coors Light - Huge development in my beer-swilling habits of late: Coors Light recently ended Bud Light's 10-year reign as my domestic light beer of choice when a) out at a bar or b) needing to provide beer to a female that is thouroughly disgusted by Natty Light.

4) Bud Light - I will always enjoy Bud Light and have no idea why Coors Light supplanted it (uggh, I truly feel bad for anyone still reading down this far).

5) Bud Select - You cannot convince me there is a difference between Bud Select and Natty Light. Same "water-y" taste as declared by the masses. Same caloric content (95). Same distributors. Perhaps if any person I knew actually drank these two beers, someone else besides me might notice this.

6) Heineken - Closest beer to a premium that I'll drink and actually enjoy over a good ole domestic.

7) Brooklyn Lager - Yes, this is a gay microbrew from Williamsburg, Brooklyn of all places. But it doesn't try to overdo it with hops, spices and anything else that makes the brewmasters at Sam Adams nut their pants. Just a strong American beer. Yet to meet one person who has tried this beer and hasn't become a fan.

8) Coors - Best of all the non-light domestics, narrowly edging the original Budweiser. Thought I must admit I have never had a Miller Genuine Draft. That will change soon.

9) Miller Lite - It's a light, moderately priced American beer. It makes the list. However you would describe that distinct flavor that Miller Lite ads always tout is precisely the reason I have it so much lower than Bud/Coors Light on my list. It's also why Miller Lite drinkers are fiercely loyal to that brand, more so than fans of the other two are.

10) Sweetwater Blue - I really enjoy one, maybe two of these. Anything more than that leaves a bitter and sticky aftertaste in your mouth Yes, I know its a female beer (ask me, any Sweetwater falls under that category). At least I didn't go the Corona/Blue Moon route. Fruit in your beer? Please son.

One more thing: PBR tastes like ass...I don't get that one at all.

Thoughts on the embarrassment that is the Hawks or idiocy that is "mega-conferences" in college football coming tomorrow. Or in November.

Bawlin' Cawlin' 02-16-10: Quick Picks

2010-02-16T05:35:00.000-05:00

Look back tomorrow and the rest of the week for some honey posts.

Records
OBJ: 2-2
Joe Friday: 3-1

SJF is starting out strong and beginning to pull ahead, but at the benefit of improving upon Sue's 65% winners last year. I should be nervous at losing this bet, but I'm so excited for Sue's potential bragging right that the agony of defeat is blunted considerably by the band-aid of vanity.

2010 Bet
Tickets to a Braves game and all the beer the victor can drink.

Today's Picks

Joe Friday 1: Miami (+2) over Philadelphia

Joe Friday 2: Detriot (-5.5) over Minnesota

OBJ 1: Phoenix (-1) over Memphis
Apparently in a recent post I promised I'd never pick the hometown Suns again if they let me down. They let me down.

THIS time I mean it. On a side note, this looks to be an incredibly boring game to watch. I'm guessing that a double-technical will be the most exciting part. I'll be watching, so let's see about this bold prediction.

OBJ 2: Boston (-6) over Sacramento

Bawlin' Cawlin' 01-26-10: The Duality of Rooting

2010-01-26T17:00:00.000-05:00

Let's agree to agree.

Sunday night when reached for comment after it became official that he would start in the 2010 All Star game, Allen Iverson stated that he would not listen to critics who said he should bow out and allow other, more deserving players such as, I don't know, Rajon Rondo, Joe Johnson, Josh Smith or Derrick Rose to start in the game in his stead. Hell, one could even make a half-assed yet still respectable argument for Danny Granger, Stephen Jackson, Monta Ellis, Gerald Wallace, Al Jefferson, Rodney Stuckey or Kevin Martin.

After the requisite 1.5 seconds of thought, I agreed with AI's decision. I mean, the rules are the rules, and Iverson's just following protocol. Plus, if you can name me a better example of a "fan's player" (in the same vein as the "player's coach"), you've got a free post in this space. No doubt, AI's reputation and well-documented icy relationship with David Stern may ultimately make this year the catalyst that alters the way All-Star voting is done. Of course, there's no way the NBA will completely dissolve fan voting, but partial fan voting is certainly on the table. In any case, Iverson has a right to start, and I agree with his decision to play.

But then, in this week's Sports Illustrated issue, it was revealed that Yao Ming - knowing that China's massive population and considerable NBA fan base would undoubtedly make him the top vote-getter once again - called up the commissioner's office before the season started to formally request the removal of his name from the ballot. Yao may or may not play a single game this season. It's unlikely. AI walked out on his second team in as many seasons and, while it's a great story of redemption, has done little with his one and only 76ers.

1.5 seconds was way too long to consider this one. With this decision, Yao Ming has become one of my favorite players in the NBA. Maybe it wasn't even his idea. Maybe it was his publicist's. It CERTAINLY wasn't China's, who will lose their 50% stake in Yao's potential All-Star bonus. Props to you, Yao. Also, I miss your Ultimate Sad Face, which has entertained me me for years.

One of the realest things in sports.

This entire situation raises one of the great conundrums of sports: how can we root for two opposing ideas at the exact same time? How can I root for the Saints to win their conference championship game with an interception from the opposing quarterback, yet still feel enough respect that I feel bad for Brett Favre? How can I be a Yankees fan and still feel even a morsel of sanctification from seeing the Red Sox finally win the Series (this was before the fans became so unbearable, obviously). Even though I don't give three uncomfortably squirty shits about tennis, my obvious and only rotting interest is with any American. And yet, if I find Roger Federer in the finals against anyone BUT an American, I actually have a degree of interest in seeing the Swiss-born player when. It's the same with this situation. In opposites on nearly the exact same table, I find myself respecting both of the players.

This is truly one of the greatest things about sports. The duality of rooting interest cannot be quantified or otherwise explained. It just, is. I would almost go so far as to say that any true sports fan, when all is said and done, hates to see ANY entity lose. No matter how much you hate a franchise, or even a player, anyone who's ever played sports knows that losing the big one is more heart breaking than finding out why your wife's been spending so much time with your house's renovation crew.

So, without seemingly any logic whatsoever, kudos to both Yao Ming and Allen Iverson, for doing precisely opposite things. On to the games!

Records
OBJ: 1-1
Joe Friday: 1-1

After careful consideration, Friday and I have decided that we'll keep it simple this year. Hey, I don't know what your portfolio's looking like, but we're using ours for toilet paper.

So, tickets to a Braves game and all the beer the victor can drink is on the table. At this point, a 50% off price tag on a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 due to the cap seal being broken would excite me, so this is just downright mind-boggling.

Today's Picks
Starting out much the same way as last year, we are neck and neck. Not to spoil your tension, but I'm going to pull away and take this like a sprinting midnight hooker clutching a wallet.

Joe Friday 1: Milwaukee/Dallas OVER 197

Joe Friday 2: Golden State/Sacramento UNDER 220.5

OBJ 1: Lakers (-8) over Washington

OBJ 2: Phoenix (-5) over Charlotte
The Suns are abysmal in the second of back-to-back games this year. After failing at the sentimental pick yesterday, if Phoenix doesn't come through for me tonight it's the last time I bet on them all season.

Bawlin' Cawlin' 01-25-10: You Got Our Balls

2010-01-25T17:30:00.000-05:00

At the PLAYGROOOOOOUND. Y'know?

There are so many ways to approach this. Perhaps we could not even mention that we haven't posted in nearly six months, but we think this would immediately make us lose credibility with all seven of you (lookin' at you, Jesse!). Or, we could attack one of the myriad stories out there, boldly stating that there is absolutely no way in HELL we could remain retired when such an incredible, unprecedented sports-happening is, well, happening. You know. Like Tiger Woods living up in so many comedic ways to his moniker. WOODs. Heheh. You Tiger. Or the latest Favre watch (don't worry, we won't address this until ~~either a) he officially retires or b) he rejoins the Vikings in~~ August). Or Pete Carroll. Or GOOD GOD Lane Kiffin. But really, it only seemed to make sense to parallel our resurgence with someone else's - albeit considerably more brave - rebirth.

Ain't no one that can argue. If he can do it, so can we.

What's 'gonna happen in this long-awaited sequel to Sue's breakout season? Will we have live footage of fresh lemon juice being squeezed into one of our eyes for the sake of our bet? Will we change our handles?? Will we shamelessly murder metaphors with pinpoint-precision-prose?! Will Stringer Bell somehow find a way to live and branch off on his own well-deserved spin-off??! Anything and everything is on the table this year, folks. It's 2010. How many of you actually thought you'd live this long?

Plenty of stories to come. But for now, let's get to the games.

Ed. Note: If you want us to apologize for taking our balls home and playing with them without all of you, well...the ball's bouncin in the playground, ya'll.

Now we can all play!

Records
OBJ: 0-0
Joe Friday: 0-0

Last year was front row seats to a Braves game and all the beer the winner could drink. This year's bet to come. Hell. This is so exciting I could, too.

Today's Picks
Last year, picking a combined 52 games, Joe Friday and I combined for an above .650 winning percentage. Do you have any IDEA how hard that is? I'm too lazy to research this because it's so obscure, but I heard on a radio show or something that you're lucky to get 30% on NBA games. Including professional gamblers, who stay away from NBA games. Good enough for me!

Joe Friday 1: Cleveland +1 over Miami

Joe Friday 2: Houston (PK) over Atlanta
Let me get this straight. The first Bawlin' in seven months, and this loon goes against his home team?

OBJ 1: Atlanta (PK) Houston

OBJ 2: Phoenix (+7.5) over Utah
Yup. Let's hope this isn't a trend towards making picks based on the sentimental, but somehow, I have to feel like the stars aligning with Friday's bonehead against-the-A pick and Phoenix's generous helping to a delicious spread. I'm going with my old home team, and my new home team. AND YES IT'S OKAY TO HAVE MORE THAN ONE TEAM YOU ROOT FOR BECAUSE OF PREVIOUS PROXIMITY.

Come and get it.

And an extra present for the lazy fans.

Lords of the Ringless: An Update

2009-07-20T15:45:00.003-04:00

As intimated in our dome-rattling feature a few months back, Steve Nash rounds out Sue's Top 3 Athletes who deserve a ring but do not have one.

So it is with great sadness that I provide commentary on the recent news that Nash has accepted a 2-year extension with the Phoenix Suns. By the time Nash has finished this contract, he'll be 37-years old and unlikely to sign another contract. A team featuring a core of Nash, Grant Hill, Channing Frye and (possibly) Amare Stoudamire isn't going anywhere. Hell, they'll be lucky to make the playoffs.

I think it's safe to say that Nash's days of having even the slightest chance at a title are completely behind him. Like AI, Nash's best opportunity to contend would've been signing a smaller deal with one of the Prime Contenders. Like AI, this looks to be a near-impossibility. Unless Nash gets traded midseason sometime in the next 3 years, we can safely assume he'll never earn a Championship.

It's a good thing that Nash still has a very bright future as an actor, because it doesn't look like he'll be cementing any kind of legacy. Let's just hope he's more remembered for his contributions on the court rather than his...actions off of it.

Talk about "Oh, brother."

Artested Development

2009-07-03T00:12:00.004-04:00

Just sayin.

Pardon the Interruption, but let us be the first to say that Ron Ron's recent move to La La Land is nearly directly proportional to Rodman's move to the Bulls in 1995. To state both what pops out and perhaps what's not so obvious:

Kobe's going for his fifth, while MJ was strolling to his fourth. Both superstars transcended their time and are/were clearly at a turning point in their careers both as ambassadors of the sport and how they handle the ball
Both crazies came from a Texas team (Houston and San Antonio, respectively)
Both were considered ridiculous defensive talents (and batshit crazy)
In case the above image doesn't explain, Artest to Los Angels clearly makes the Lakers the favorite for 2010 with the most legitimate triple threat in the NBA
Same coach?

The biggest difference of course is that this will not mean 3 more championships for the Lakers. It will guarantee at least one, barring injuries.

Someone smell football?

At least the Atlanta Spirit is Alive

2009-07-01T07:42:00.005-04:00

Thoughts on the Jamal Crawford deal in a second. First, some draft thoughts:

If Acie Law couldn't see significant run in two years under Mike Woodson, I don't see Teague seeing the floor much more. With Crawford, JoeJ and Bibby and/or Flip returning, there's not room in the backcourt for another guard that needs touches to be effective. I suppose that with Mike Woodson's "pass to Joe with 18 seconds left on the shotclock and let him run the offense" offense, the Hawks don't need a true pass first PG, but they've seemed to corner the market on veterans like Teague.

Still, I'm more bullish on his long term potential than I ever was on Law's. Teague will be two years younger than Law was his rookie season, is significantly more athletic, and played at an elite level of college ball from the second he stepped on the court at Wake, while Law didn't really come into his own until his senior year at Texas A&M. Like most Hawks bloggers, I never felt that Woodson gave Law a fair shake and I hope he does well with GSW, but I don't think we will feel much of a difference with Teague receiving Law's 10mpg.

Much like his Spanish national teammates Pau Gasol and Juan Carlos Navarro, I don't think I will ever be a big Ricky Rubio fan, albeit for different reasons from those two maricons. Okay, so the kid doesn't want to go to Minnesota. They have a solid young nucleus, but whatever, you were hoping for a bigger market. Unfortunately, you knew you were going in the #2-#6 range this whole time. You know what teams/markets were picking there? Memphis, Oklahoma City, Sacramento, Washington (pick traded to Minny - by the way...how fucking stupid to the Wizards feel now...that's probably the one place Rubio DEFINITELY would have gone, and they had that pick 48 hours before the draft!) and Minnesota. You weren't going to a big market no matter what, Ricky. Other than OKC, there is no better situation in that group than Minnesota. If this kid is smart, and has smart folks advising him, he will be with the Wolves next year. They own his rights for the foreseeable future. Unless he wants to toil in international obscurity playing in Spain or Turkey until he's a 22-year-old fading prospect, he will sign with the Wolves and prove he can beat out a solid-but-not -spectacular American college star like Johnny Flynn.

No clue what the Wolves were thinking with that Flynn pick. Rubio/Flynn backcourt will never work and is a defensive nightmare. Curry pick wouldn't have been much better, Hill would be buried behind Jefferson/Love, and it was probably too high to reach on DeRozan/Terrance Williams. The lesson? It's not a good thing to have eighty picks in a shitty draft.

The Wolves just pissed me off on draft night even more by taking Ty Lawson at #18 and moving him to Denver. Three Top 18 picks, and the Wolves could seriously be looking at only Johnny Flynn to show for it. At least they got folks in the media talking about them and their GM, aye Simmons? Anyways, would have loved to see Lawson in a Hawks uni next year...quick as shit in transition, better passer than Teague, proven track record on a winning college team (matters more than you'd think....unless you went to Duke), and an injury-proneness that would fit right in. Alas...

I've been sure of few things more than I was sure that Indiana was taking Tyler Hansborough at #11. Good jeez...Bird has destroyed that team (assist from Ron-Ron). Five years ago they were a fairly young team that was among the most talented in the league. Now their collecting average white guys like they're casting a fucking overrated Hollywood comedy.

Speaking of white guys...hipster blogger fetishization alert!!!! Brandon. Jennings. a.k.a. Young Money. A much more reasoned, logical and less holier-than-thou take here.

While we're here, some early thoughts on the pre-draft trades not-involving Jamal Crawford:

I like the Shaq deal for Cleveland...I'm not sure how so many media types and NBA fans can say that if the Cavs had acquired Shaq four months ago, it would have been a huge help against Orlando; but, now it smacks of desperation. Sure, it would have been ideal if they made the trade during the season, but they, along with EVERYONE FUCKING ELSE, thought they had more than enough to beat Orlando. Hindsight, 20/20 and all that shit.

Shaq will help Cleveland, but the Cavs still need a consistent outside shooter than Shaq can kick it out to from the post or LeBron can fallback on when the lane collapses on him. Sheed Wallace would be a nice fit here, as Turkoglu has been priced out of their range. This season really is it for the Cavs. I see it as HIGHLY unlikely that if they win the NBA title in '10, LeBron is visiting other teams a few short weeks later as a free agent. Ergo, an NBA title is a must, and so is going out and acquiring whatever parts are necessary...cap room be damned, as it will be made up with four more seasons of LeBron in Cleveland.

What's not to like about the VC deal to Orlando? For the first time in his career, Carter won't be called upon to carry the brunt of the scoring load. The Magic needed to figure out the sketchy Alston-Nelson PG situation and did so swiftly, while also filling their biggest need, a swingman that can slash to the basket and take advantage of the good perimeter shooting on the roster. Major balls award to the Magic brass. They could have been content with their Finals appearance and Nelson coming back at full strength. Instead, they seriously upgraded their team to the NBA elite, just in case there was any doubt they weren't there already.

One caveat: The VC deal makes it slightly less likely the Magic will resign Hedo Turk, who made himself a ton of money after an excellent playoff run. Rightfully so, Turk's agent will seek a 4-5 year deal, and well, I'd like to offer a sympathetic cringe to the team that eventually placates to those demands (looking at you, Detroit). Turkoglu is more valuable to the Magic than any other team because the offense they run is perfect for him. With Nelson running the show, Turk and Lewis as the shooters spreading the floor, VC as the primary scoring option off the wing, and Howard more than able to hold his own down low, I couldn't imagine a starting five that fits better together. I hope they re-sign Hedo, but I wouldn't bet on it.

Richard Jefferson to the Spurs! It's almost like Popovich and RC Buford realized that plugging their holes with crappy Euros and washed up vets was no longer working. Jefferson will provide the solid perimeter defense that Bruce Bowen received credit for but hasn't provided in four years. He'll also be able to spell Manu during the season so that he is fresher for the playoffs. I'm not gonna go overboard on the DaJuan Blair pick, but if he can provide a Big Baby/Leon Powe type infusion to the Spurs bench, that would be a plus. Suddenly, the Spurs are a solid MLE acquisition away from being "done" to throwing themselves right back into the CLE-LAL-ORL-BOS category.

Poor Yao Ming. Being 7'6 must suck. Well except for the millions of dollars he's made. Allow me to rephrase. Being 7'6 and hailing from an oppressive communist party dictatorship that forces you to play through career-threatening injuries for a shitty national team every summer must suck.

Anyways, I really like the way this summer is shaping up for the Lig. One of the NBA's biggest problems in recent years was non-franchise guys being paid like franchise guys (VC, Jefferson, Bosh, Gasol, Pierce, KG). All those guys have been Da Main on crappy lottery teams in the last 2-3 seasons; and now, all are on contending squads, save for Bosh (who will be paired up with either LeBron or Wade next summer, believe that). None of those guys should ever be franchise players, but put them together, or alongside true franchise players (Kobe, LBJ, Wade, Duncan, Howard) and what you're looking at is a highly competitive upper class of teams. I'm fine with this. I want to see the best players in the playoffs. It's not like baseball, where its a big-market-little-market situation, as Orlando, San Antonio, and Cleveland are all involved. Simply put, the second tier of NBA stars are realizing that if they want their ring, they need to give up some shots, let go of some ego, and play with better players. This should make for yet another great season in what is shaping up to be a phenomenal era of NBA basketball.

Finally, the Jamal Crawford deal: I don't really like it, but won't know for sure until camp breaks.

As far as I have seen from his game, he can do one thing well...score. He's not a great shooter, he's not a great passer. His assist-TO ratio isn't anything special. No team with Crawford starting has ever made the playoffs. No team with Crawford on the roster has either.

Now, I do like Jamal Crawford off the bench. As a 6th man, playing the Flip role of instant offense, Crawford would be a legitimate asset. If the Hawks re-sign Bibby or sign Andre Miller or some other quality starting PG (Ty Lue/Anthony Carter don't count), then Crawford off the bench, backing up both guard positions and allowing Joe to play less than 44mpg is an enormous upgrade.

I don't see it playing out that way, however. I think the Hawks brought in Crawford to be the starting PG. Unfortunately, dude needs the ball in his hands to be effective. If Joe Johnson is running the offense for 18 out of the 24 seconds of the shotclock, what is Crawford doing? If we are to believe that the Hawks already had too many shooters and were better off when someone (i.e. Marvin or Josh Smith) was out, allowing more clearly defined roles among the scorers, than how does adding another scorer to the mix help? Does this mean Marvin is gone? Can you really rock out with a starting lineup of Crawford-JoeJ-Marvin-Smoove-Horford? That could turn into one of those "I gotta get mine" Nuggets squads from 05-08 pretty quickly, and I don't see Mike Woodson as some sort of offensive genius that is able to figure it all out.

So there you go. More questions than answers with the Hawks right now. May as well wait and see what they do in free agency before the annual fretting. Credit to Sund and the Atlanta Spirit for mixing it up and doing something already this summer. Now we just got to figure out what that something is.

Same Brave World

2009-06-30T22:09:00.002-04:00

The 2009 Atlanta Braves are what they are.

There was some optimism coming into the season, most of which centered around excitement (though I'd argue it was more of relief) following the signings of Derek Lowe and Kenshin Kawakami after being rebuffed by several free agents and in the Jake Peavy sweepstakes. I didn't share the same optimism...Javy Vazquez strikes alot of people out, sure, but his WHIP and ERA define average. Lowe has never been a staff ace, revisionist history be damned. I didn't know shit about Kawakami, but I did know that the Yankees, Red Sox, Dodgers and Mariners seem to outbid everyone for every Japaneese player worth a damn. KK's other top suitors? The Astros and Orioles. All this, and the starting rotation was considered the team's strength heading into the season.

That much has proven true, simply because the offense has been so anemic. The offense ranks 13th in the NL in runs and homers, 11th in hits. OPS? They're 14th. Outside of Brian McCann, Chipper Jones, and possibly Yunel Escobar, there isn't a bat in the lineup that is better than the league average at their position. Kelly Johnson and Jeff Francoeur have been significant detriments to the offense, and though many a Braves fan would like to see them traded; Johnson has about as much trade value as Ryan Langerhans at this point, and Francoeur's isn't much higher (though I will say I have seen flashes, albeit very, very, very brief flashes of patience and better timing at the plate in recent weeks).

The defense is average at best, there is a very good 8th-9th inning combo out of the pen, but the middle relief sucks (not too different from everyone else's, needs to be said). So where does all the above get you? Treading water at 3 games below .500, where they have been all season. Only four games behind first place Philadelphia, but only in front of the epically bad Washington Nationals in the NL East.

There probably aren't anymore Nate McLouth-type acquisitions to be made to this team, as they are almost at their projected payroll; and they have traded away enough prospects over the last few months that you won't see any selling-the-farm type trades anytime soon. The best thing for this Braves team going into the second half would be:

1. Francoeur to realize his potential, stop swinging at garbage, and simply focus on putting the ball in play, even if this leads to him becoming a contact singles hitter.

2. Garrett Anderson to continue playing as he has the last month of the season, and not the first month.

3. Peter Moylan continues to emerge as a strong 7th inning option out of the pen.

4. Tommy Hanson gives the Braves as dominant a 5th starter as you can find in the majors.

Easier said than done, sure. But if those four things can happen, and the rest of the season plays out on par, you could see the Braves battling for a wild card slot in September. Anything less, and you're looking at just another average team that couldn't "get over the hump" and "didn't catch any breaks."

And while we are here, some Braves Bullets:

This article, from the now-infamous SI calling Francoeur "The Natural" is just stupefying to read for years after the fact. Some choice hyperbolic passages:

"Francoeur smiles, and the darkened living room brightens."

Tim Hudson said of Francoeur, "He's like Roy Hobbs. I'm waiting for him to come out of the bullpen and start striking guys out, throwing 98 [mph]. Or to start hitting bombs lefthanded."
"He saw a total of 16 pitches, on par with his economical average of 3.34 pitches per plate appearance." (emphasis mine)
He occasionally frets about selectivity and actually once watched video of his at bats until McCann sauntered by and said, "That's not you. That's not what got you here." Francoeur agrees. "When I don't think," he says, "I do well."
To settle those old autumn scores for his hometown team, Francoeur will move earth and heaven.

I attended games one and two of the Yankees series last week:

Game one was a joy to watch Hanson pitch. That quick delivery from the midsection reminds me of a young Hideo Nomo, who would almost hold the ball still while finishing his windup before unleashing his pitch.
Before stroking Hanson's balls and anointing him the Braves' savior, please re-read the above Francoeur article.
What was with all the flashbulbs going off while Rivera was pitching in the 9th? I get that he's an all time great, but hes a closer, not LeBron James or MJ in an 80s dunk contest. Who the hell were these people needing a picture of Rivera pitching to Matt Diaz???
When Kris Medlin was relieved by Jeff Bennett in game two, I left to go take a leak, not wanting to see the inevitable outcome against A-Rod. In the bathroom, I heard Don Sutton mention on the radio that Bennett had allowed 5 of 15 inherited baserunners to score. While not good, I thought it was much higher...I guarantee I have seen all five of those runners score, and I haven't even watched many Braves games this season. Sure enough, an 0-2 fastball to A-Rod later, and that number is now 7-17. Needless to say, I'm not worried how this injury might affect the pen.

Obviously I'm quite a bit late on this, but I hated the way the Tom Glavine situation was handled. Clearly, bringing Hanson up from Gwinnett was the right move; but it seemed as if Glavine was assured his spot as the 5th starter was secure and he wasn't having to compete for a spot. If the Braves' weren't going to make that distinction to him clear, they probably shouldn't have had re-signed him, as letting him go after pitching a 13 scoreless innings in rehab isn't exactly the best PR move. Glavine's subsequent sabbatical for the remainder of the season, combined with Hanson's hot start have subsided the ugliness of the whole situation, but you never want to see a local legend go out like that. Even if we are all aware it's a business, and nothing personal.

TANTRIC BLOGASM STARTS NOW

2009-06-30T21:42:00.002-04:00

The recent death of Michael Jackson made us here at Sue's realize just how precious life really is, and how we should spend every waking moment living it up. Actually, it really didn't, and hence here I am at night, blogging my ass off for you, our one remaining reader after our month-long blogbattical.

Rather than one long, meandering post for you to skim over, we'll tackle the recent going ons for the Braves, Hawks, Dawgs in separate posts, so as to bore you in succinct processions. This being June, we haven't missed much other than a preordained-yet-competitive NBA finals and a boring as hell NBA Draft. And more Favre retirement bullshit.

Alas, let's kick off TANTRIC BLOGASM with a clip that makes you cringe nearly as much as that second right before a tantric...bah, you get the picture. Enjoy Jamie Foxx killing this poor comedian's career at the Shaq Roast of Emmitt Smith from a few years back.

Bawlin' Cawlin' 06-11-09

2009-06-11T16:48:00.003-04:00

The current state of Sue's

WHOA. Whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA. One week shy of not posting a single perspective in a month, Sue's is finally back for a quick hit on today's Finals game. We understand that we sucked you in, stole your vested interest and bolted like a 2-bit prostitute stealing your wallet and running to make rent.

But, just like a crack whore, we're back for more. We apologize for the considerably long drought here at Sue's, but without delving too deeply into the current events plaguing your favorite blog proprietors, let's just say we're on an extended period of silence for valid reasons. Plus, we've already made the front page of Deadspin, so, really, what the hell is left?

No, but really. In all honesty this period of prolonged procrastination couldn't have come at a better time. We've got a few months of baseball-only to get our respective shizes together, and we'll be back on you like the bacne on Piazza. Hey-O!

On to the bets. Spread across the table for the Finals Edition of Bawlin' is a round-trip plane ticket between Atlanta and Phoenix, plus alcohol expenses for an entire weekend.

This shortened Cawlin' is going to be as exciting as a night with that 3-breasted woman from Total Recall. I told you I was freaky!

Finals Record
SJF: 0-0
OBJ: 0-0

Today's Wager

OBJ: Lakers/Orlando OVER 201
SJF: Lakers (+2) Over Orlando

Post-Mortem on an Unsatisfying, Satisfying Season

2009-05-17T11:43:00.000-04:00

We didn't write anything much of note during the Hawks-Cavs series. In our eyes, it has all been said. Sure we could re-hash the same shit that had been said all season about JoeJ being given the keys to the O ala a Kobe or Wade, Horford needing more touches, Acie getting more run, Smoove being wasted on the perimeter, etc. etc. etc. But in all honestly, we've grown sick of saying we're sick of repeating those same complaints. So when those and other issues reared their ugly head during the Cavs series, it was no surprise.

Injuries and, by extension, a weak bench didn't help. Neither did the fact that the Cavs are just a better coached team that also features the best player on the fucking planet. That the Hawks lost was not a surprise.

In all honesty though, I was hoping for a run akin to the Celtics series last year. Maybe pushing it to seven games would have been a stretch, but a home win or two was not out of the question. Alas, it was not meant to be, and here is where we stand as Hawks fans:

With a coach that has done a below-average-at-best job of developing the plethora of talent on the roster or devising a gameplan to fit their talents. It should be noted that due to THE ASSHATS THAT ARE THE ATLANTA SPIRIT, said coach will be retained despite eleven (!) playoff losses of greater than ten points in a year's time.

A "best player" that will never the best player on a championship team. I love JoeJ, and in the right situation, he can absolutely be an all-star on a contender (think Paul Pierce last year). But he absolutely cannot be the end-all-be-all in crunch time situations.

A free agent point guard that, while aging, is a ideal fit for this team. You can either resign said point guard, or head into next season with the two options being Acie Law, who hates the coach, and Speedy Claxton, whose expiring contract could be one of the Hawks main weapons next year. Let's just move on.

Marvin Williams as a restricted free agent. If you don't anticipate this situation playing out exactly like Josh Smith's "lowball offer--->teams scared off by 10 day matching period--->sign a below market contract with a shitty team--->Hawks match offer" last year, well then you just haven't been following the Hawks long enough.

Two quality players overseas (Josh Childress, David Andersen) that the Hawks hold the rights to. There about a 0.0000000006% chance that either of them will ever suit up for this team in the future.

Josh Smith trade rumors. Please. He's not going anywhere, nor should he. As anyone who's watched the playoffs the last two seasons, he has the talent and ability to be our best player on the court, and often is. Unfortunately, he also doesn't get along with ole Woody, so stagnation will reign supreme.

So does anyone anticipate any upcoming moves by the Hawks this offseason, other than a couple of Flip Murray/MoE signings to replenish the bench and make up for natural free agent attrition? (Zaza, you will be missed, but you'll no doubt be relieved to know that you will retain your spot on Sue's sidebar indefinitely.) As long as this ownership mess continues, there is probably no bigtime shakeup coming in the near future, so trying to guess any impending moves is ultimately useless. This means you're looking at a Wizards-type situation, where your nucleus (with the current coach) probably has a ceiling of a 4 or 5 seed and the conference semis.

This was undoubtedly the most enjoyable Hawks season in more than a decade. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be much room for an improvement in personnel or on the sideline. That, combined with the way the Hawks went out against the Cavs, kind of puts a sour taste on a sweet season.

The Blog Days of Summer Set to Return

2009-05-15T16:14:00.005-04:00

Rest easy, kiddos. We've got the solution.

With the NBA playoffs winding down (read: only lasting another month), we are dangerously close to the worst time of the year for sports fans. With only baseball playing relevant games, in about a month we'll have to deal with seemingly the same sports highlights every single day. Vladimir Guerrero's injured? Set to return next Thursday? Wait. Didn't that just happen last week?

On a day that UGA Super Scrubs Tony Cole and Quincy Carter once again stole the headlines, it slowly started to dawn on me that I should preemptively begin monitoring my emotional stability. It is very possible that the wait between the NBA playoffs and the first kickoff of the College Football season will drive me to depression...or worse, drive me to start watching House.

In the interest of our readers, I propose that we tackle the overwhelming sense of emptiness we will inevitably encounter through suffering a void of compelling sports action before it happens. So, without further delay, a list of things to do while you're waiting for Alabama and Virginia Tech to get it going in the Georgia Dome.

1. Start a sports blog. It's fucking GREAT! You get to sit in your mom's basement, or wherever your comfort zone happens to be, and lay out your thoughts and feelings about whatever topic you wish, only to have other faceless Internet addicts belittle your opinions and reduce you to putting up nonsensical lists with which nobody could possibly hope to disagree. Do this NOW!

2. Devise the ultimate prank. If you can conjure up anything close to the infamous Yankee Stadium Wedding Proposal, or even the less-lauded but still impressive Maryland Halftime Shot, you are forever remembered as a god and celebrated for taking assholishness to a whole new level. Currently the best that Friday and I could come up with was creating an email account 'for' our friend's mother, only to have 'her' send disturbing emails to all of his friends about explicit sexual promiscuity and group-wide exchanging of bodily fluids. We still have a ways to go, no doubt.

3. Go to Vegas. Anybody that stays in Vegas for more than 3 days either has a death wish or has hopes and dreams of becoming a showgirl. Too bad for either parties. But with roughly 11 weekends between the end of the NBA season and the beginning of College Football, you have at least 2 separate Vegas trips in you. Worried about not being able to bet on any relevant sports while you're there? FEAR NOT. A buddy of mine put a hundred dollars on 10-1 odds in a smoke ring blowing contest, and won. If you can't get pumped about shit like this and forget the empty vacuum that is the sports landscape for a few days, it's already too late.

4. Get good at some shit. It's two and a half months. In that time, you could become an excellent swimmer. You could learn to cook like 7 stellar dishes. You could attempt to play pool sober to combat the conditioned learning you've been putting yourself through for the past 10 years. You'll never again have to ponder, "Why do I only make shots when I'M FUCKING HAMMERED?

5. Date. Sure, sure. Dating sucks. But you know what sucks even more? Being FUCKING ALONE. If you're new to this, allow me to give you some advice. You're going to go through, say, some "rough patches." This isn't to say that while you're driving down that dirt road there isn't a superhighway directly in front. You just have to focus on the road, and stop paying attention to the slutty, overweight mistake smelling like chips and salsa and going down on you in the front seat. Wait. What?

Note: Option Number 5 and Option Number One have a strong negative correlation based on success. In fact, they may quite possibly be mutually exclusive.

6. Find new and interesting ways of using the Snuggie. No, seriously. We need more of this. More of idiot assholes trying to commit robbery by concealing themselves in a Snuggie. More shortsighted teenagers (18 and up!) attempting sexual congress within the same Snuggie ultimately resulting in the amputation of a body part. Continue this trend, and we may be able to save some poor bastard from one day thinking it's cool to throw a Snuggie party, hence destroying his self-worth and the respect of his peers for the remainder of his life.

7. Try something totally new! Bungee jumping? Marathon running? Not being a total dick? It's ALL on the table! Sue's respective suggestion would be the Cincinnati Bow tie, the Birmingham Booty Call or the Rusty Trombone. EAT SHIT old tired ass experiences. New experiences RULE.

8. Go fishing. Have you ever done this before? The point of the exercise is to remain as quiet as possible and hold a stick...and wait. It is UNAVOIDABLE that you will get better at this the drunker you get. The positive correlation between getting so fucking blasted that the neural passageways that connect thought and speech in your mind don't even recognize each other anymore and having a successful fishing trip are MIND BLOWING. "Hey honey! I didn't catch a goddamn thing, but I got so drunk I got the hook stuck in my penis and had to get 30 stitches!" All in all, you've gotta call that a success.

9. Plant a tree. For all the crazies out there, the following comes strictly from Joe Friday: Plant a tree, and do your part to shut the green-loving hipster liberal douchebags the fuck up.

10. Read a book. About sports, of course.

Get to it, kids!

ATLas Nudged

2009-05-08T01:22:00.000-04:00

Again, please check out the usual suspects for coherent thoughts and analysis on Game 2 (none of which will be pleasing, anyways). As per normal, we have no clue what to expect from the Hawks until we see their backs against the wall at home in the playoffs. It's getting tiresome, but it's their M.O. Also, until I settle into my seat on Saturday night, I'm just going to assume JoeJ is playing, so if you hear otherwise, don't let me know.

Speaking of the Hawks homecourt, I'd like to point toward a post over at FreeDarko that talks about the unique dichotomy between the city of Atlanta and its' basketball collective. As is the case with most FreeDarko jobs, the piece focuses on the strong racial identities that comprise Atlanta's rich history.

Unfortunately, I fail to see the connection between the two. The mish-mash of vibrant talent/occupants/players and top-down disorganization may be comparable for both ATL and the Hawks, but I don't think that Atlanta's racial history provides a link between the two, and that part of the author's thesis is a stretch; but I think there is another, similar direction that does work here.

Atlanta fans of all races, classes and point-of-origins are bandwagoners by-and-large when it comes to in-house support. Given the makeup of this city, transplants and lower per-capita incomes compared to most similar markets (not mutually exclusive), fans are hesitant to attend games often and engage themselves in the day-to-day followings of a team. And that's fine. I may have watched a shitton of Hawks games during the Jason Terry era, but I'm also a masochist. I certainly couldn't begrudge a Hawks fan for simply checking the box score and reading the game recap of a Hawks loss to the Wizards and subsequently focusing their attention elsewhere.

The fact of the matter is, Atlantans really do care and follow sports, even moreso then most major cities. The TV numbers prove that (seriously, click that link) for most sports, but especially for the NBA, which can in part attributed to the large black population in Atlanta. But as has been the case with the Braves, Thrashers and Falcons, Atlantans of any race aren't going to come out, watch and spend money on a losing franchise. So when the Hawks were losing all those years, it wasn't that ATL was a bad basketball town, but rather, that the locals don't want to spend money on a shit product (Sweetwater IPA excluded - HEYO!).

So the Hawks started winning, and what happened? Well, much like with the Braves in 1991 or the Falcons during the Vick era, the fans came out in droves. A significant homecourt advantage was suddenly omnipresent. The intimate nature of a basketball arena (not to mention the constant action) allows for louder crowds than an outdoor baseball game or larger domed football facility. Suddenly, the Hawks have one of the most significant home court advantages in the league. This shouldn't be surprising to anyone following Atlanta's demographics or fandom patterns over the years.

I love the diversity at Hawks games. I love the enthusiasm and passion and newness feel there is to being a Hawks fan again. It's like going through a brutal breakup with a girl and getting back together and starting the honeymoon period all over again. And that is where this current Hawks squad narrative runs parallel with their fans'.

This is all new to the players too. They're young, brash and confident. They're loud and they believe anything can happen. When shit gets bad, they're willing to pack it in (read some of the posts linked to above), but they always believe that they could be at another level were it not for certain hindrances (for both fans and players, this would be Woodson/ownership).

Sometimes it's best not to over-complicate things in sports. A newly enthused fan base is out there with pride, supporting a team they enjoy to watch playing a sport they love. The city of Atlanta and this Hawks team just fit. Maybe it wasn't preordained, but I could see how one would think that.

Carve out a Minute for Favre

2009-05-07T17:00:00.001-04:00

Insert cock tease joke...here.

After the ridiculous and perhaps over-the-top approach to Sue's list of top ringless athletes, we're going for a different angle...no research!

As you may recall from Sue's 2008 Christmas Wish List - through which we essentially received 2.25 of our wishes - we kinda sorta just wish Brett Favre would get hit by a bus. As reported Tuesday, Favre and Vikings Coach Brad Childress met yesterday to discuss Favre's potential joining of the Minnesota Vikings. It was widely understood that the biggest, if not the only, obstacle in the way was Favre's 40-year old biceps, injured 3/4 of the way through the '08 season.

And just as quickly, there are now reports that Favre will decline the offer to stick it to the Packers. A couple of thoughts here:

It was reported that, "Childress and the Vikings wanted to gauge Favre's level of interest in returning to the NFL to play for the Vikings." Really? Now, by no means do I pay nearly as much attention to the NFC North or the Minnesota Vikings, nor harbor nearly as much seasoned contempt and hatred for Coach Childress - or Favre for that matter - as Big Daddy Drew. But expecting to gauge Brett Favre's interest level in May? See, now I automatically think the Vikings coach and anyone speaking in his ear are a bunch of twits.

There are a few things that could keep Favre from coming back this year. Brett Favre deciding after a conversation with Childress that he simply didn't want to unretire? Again? BULLSHIT. Definitely not one of the reasons. And this has nothing to do with his bicep, which Favre was probably hoping would provide him with the means of wavering back-and-forth with his decision. No. Either a) Childress informed Favre he would be competing for the starting position with the likes of (it's funny to even write this) Sage Rosenfels, Tavaris Jackson and Gus Frerotte, whenst Favre told him to "buggah off ya twat" because it was too insulting (see: having to compete with Aaron Rodgers). b) Childress gave Favre a time frame that he could work with, likely given by the higher ups, within which the Vikes would need an answer; Favre balked at the idea of commitment before even Labor Day had passed. c) Favre saw the news today about Manny and grew very, VERY concerned about his own "nutritional regimen." Or, most likely and unfortunately-500-words-into-the-point-of-this-damned-post, d) Favre's been listening to the news.

Brett Favre, the media-whore narcissistic vagina runoff, is fully aware that the media has turned on him. I've heard nothing but negative things spoken about Favre for the past several days. "Frankly people are sick of it," SportCenter. "Favre really has worn out his welcome and taken this too far," ESPN radio. I could seriously see Favre going back to SMU for a College Gameday (let's just pretend they'd get one for a second) and seeing signs in the back like, "We Love The Golden Eagles but CORSO LOVES GOLDEN SHOWERS" and "SOUTHERN doesn't MISS FAVRE!!" Perhaps he wanted to be able to set foot inside Lambeau without being booed. Maybe he realized he'd get nothing but hatred for stepping inside the booth on a MNF game, let alone a permanent gig broadcasting. For whatever reason, I fully believe that the only thing keeping Favre from coming back is the sudden realization that his actions are causing people to forget ANY of the notable, arguably heroic/memorable things he's done, because he's turned into or been revealed as a huge douche.

The only questions is, why didn't he think of this before?

On One Side of the Nation, A-Rod is Pumping His Fist in Glee

2009-05-07T11:48:00.004-04:00

...while on another side of the nation, Bill Simmons wonders how happy-go-lucky, carefree Manny could ever be cognizant of how steriod cylcles operate.

Everyone (sans Big Hurt and Junior - maybe) did it. But only one star of the highest level has been dumb enough to get caught.

Between this and Favre, it will probably be best to steer clear of ESPN over the next few days unless there is a playoff game on.

Again, an actual post to come later today.

In Which OBJ Fluctuates Between His Hatred for Kobe and His Love for "Chippy"

2009-05-06T22:53:00.011-04:00

We pick up the action with a GCHAT/liveblog, with apologies to the great FreeDarko, as the Rockets take a one point league in the second quarter. We're not ready to discuss, nor could we derive anything telling, from Game 1 of Hawks-Cavs. "It is what it is" is a fairly apt cliche that properly sums up our thoughts. Onto a more competitive (for the time being - hope is key) series.

Yes, we know these suck. Bear with us and we'll have a thinking man's post up later today.

Friday: these reggie miller commercials are fucking brutal
OBJ: yeah it's like...like he's doing them to sort of subtly come out of the closet
Friday: either that or to prove he's got absolutely no comedy chops whatsoever
OBJ: it's terrible
Friday: hey these smirnoff ice parties seem like your gigs back in the day
OBJ: dude i used to party with fridges FULL of sminoff ices and sky blues
Friday: no shit

Friday: luke walton plays like me in a pickup game with folks who actually don’t suck
-catch ball
-immediate pass
-head on a swivel
-catch ball
-dribble, pass
-catch ball
-brick wide open bomb

OBJ: hey its phil from the sopranos...hawking miller lite?
Friday: lets just say sopranos actors aint turning down any commercial roles for a long time

OBJ: man i love these guys
but i think barkley might seriously have mental issues
Friday: ?
OBJ: he just seems more like a retired boxer than a retired bawler
Friday: hah
he right on this point here, tho
some folk just better off the bench
odom one of those guys

OBJ: this thing's retarded. never works either
Friday: what is
OBJ: the thing where kenny goes to the interactive super display shit
Friday: yeah it seems like it belongs on a NFL pregame show or some shit

Friday: damn maybe they trying to tell us something with these let a stranger drive you home heineken ads
OBJ: yeah...like i should go home with a stranger

Friday: fisher's shots take like 3x as long to get to the basket as anyone else’s
brooks' like 3x quicker
ooh kobe feelin it
if i was shane battier i prolly wouldnt have been too keen on a long ass article being written about how well i can guard kobe
(yes i know it was about the greater picture of statistical value in basketball, but whatever, that was the angle that drove the article)
like how when all those 2guards used to be slightly compared to MJ
Drexler, Miller, MitchRich...he made it a point to kill them everytime out

Friday: no player in recent memory had as short a superstar career as dirk
he was like ELITE for maybe 2 seasons
OBJ: I dunno if he ever was elite to be honest
OBJ: at his apex he won an mvp nobody thought he deserved
Friday: his playoffs the year of the heat he was unconscious
either way its sad to see him being owned by kmart and fucking NENE

Friday: brent barry!?!
does he ever play? (DISCLAIMER: I hate watching the Rockets.)
OBJ: plays crunch time
that was their big FA purchase this year
Friday: yeah
he always considered a big FA prize for some reason

OBJ: so, heinken's trying to tell us to not drink and drive
Captian Mo is trying to teach us to lie to get laid?
Friday: guys who drink captain mo prolly need the advice
OBJ: solid point
they probably mix it up and drink parrot bay on wednesdays
Friday: and smirnoffs on tuesdays

OBJ: watching lakers is weird
they surge to like 12 point runs then like let people chop away
Friday: announcer after gasol rebound:
"thats a big rebound becuase he went out and got that"
as opposed to the gasol "stand somewhere and let it come to you" special
OBJ: this announcing is pretty bad
"thing about the ROCKETS is that the WHOLE is more important than the PIECES"
Friday: they love that ever since that lewis article came out
OBJ: damnit i hate this:
“lakers moving left to right!” also right to left, fuckers. makes no sense.

OBJ: oooh it's getting chippy
love it when people get T'd up
Friday: eh Walton, Scola, Vujacic… needs some Solomon Jones in there
OBJ: scola's a scrapper
Friday: only violence we'll see from those three some hair pulling
scola a tough fucker tho
OBJ: walton's a puss for sure
oh shit
oh SHIT
damn man i dunno if i wanna make hard fouls on a team who has an 8-foot commie on the team
Friday: Vujacic looks like a fucking Borat character

(Fisher lays out Scola)

OBJ: what the HELL
Friday: damn he a small dude to lay him out
OBJ: he should be ejected for that
Friday: if thats melo or something announcers KILL him
OBJ: shoulder to the chest will do that
Friday: they love Fish
OBJ: he should be ejected
Friday: yeah
OBJ: YES
HAH
HAHAHAH
i love this
why are they saying he's so tough
instead of he's so STUPID
getting kicked out of the 4th qtr
after this game below 10
hurt his team like whoa
elbowing a team with ron ron and yao on the team
that's ballsy

OBJ: there's a lot of players i like in this series
a lot i hate
all the ones i like are on the rockets
the ones i hate on the lakers
including scrub walton
Friday: you can tell kobe respects artest a fuckton more than battier

(Kobe-Artest scrap)

OBJ: and the foul
c'moooon
get chippy
oh, shit
damnit
it's over now
Friday: yeah never mind that respect thing
OBJ: bowed him in the throat man
i HATE that fucker
what the HELL
man i hate kobe
elbowing peple in the fucking throat
aargh
fuck this
i see rockets killing them in HOU now
houston a good NBA town man
'Oyota Center's 'gonna be bangin
Friday: yeah im feelin these rockets

OBJ: elbow in the neck
lakers playing dirty as hell

NICE
dunno about a T for jawing tho
"you can't guard me"
Friday: yeah thats kinda weak
OBJ: fuck it
it's kobe
only two players i'd enjoy seeing get that is him and cp3

Friday: prolly realized they fucked up missing the elbow to the throat
OBJ: nah they said they're not allowing anything 'cause it's so chipppy
Friday: you really like that word

Party Like It's 1999

2009-05-05T00:41:00.005-04:00

My favorite Josh Smith shot

Mike Woodson, the seventh longest tenured coach in the Lig, just endured a coaching stalemate with a rookie head coach. The Hawks' all-star played as such for exactly one game in the last two weeks. The transition offense still sucks, and Josh Smith should never leave the low post. Everything that every Hawks blogger has said all year is still absolutely true.

But I'm sick of writing about all of that, as correct as it may be. Right now, I just want to revel in the fact that my favorite team just won their first playoff series in a decade. This team is no different than it was a week, or two, or three ago. The weaknesses remain the same and probably will for the remainder of the playoffs. Pay that no mind for the next few hours, because at this point the Hawks are playing with house money, much like they were in that epic opening round last season.

Quite honestly, I feel alot better heading into this series than I did against that Celtics. And we know what happened there. Don't sleep on 'these Hawks...because you'll miss something interesting.

Actual analysis to follow tonight's showdown. GO. HAWKS.

ESPN Poll Writers Are In Denial

2009-05-04T17:02:00.004-04:00

The below appeared on the WWL's homepage at around 3:00 pm this afternoon. Click the image for a clearer view.

Look ESPN/ABC....we realize a LeBron/Wade matchup would have been a TV Exec's wet dream. But it's time to let it go. Really.