Running around to Give you the Reacharound


Bawlin' Cawlin' 01-27-09

For all of you who noticed the kiddie gloves Sue's recently placed on our verbal fists of fury, please note that due to increased mainstream attention and explicit requests from various entities to avoid such reckless use of hyper-profanity, we have been playing nice. To restore the balance on the scales, as it were, we're bringing the fun back, even if it's just for one episode. Sometimes it's just too damn hard to write effectively without dropping an occasional fucking F-bomb. Sorry, Will Smith.

Sunday night was a good one for Sue's, as we attended the Atlanta Hawks Blog Night and accumulated enough experiences to tally a list:
If it weren't for the lappies, this would've been just another suite filled with passionate Hawks fans. Unfortunately, it was impossible for us to remain inblognito.

Top Experiences of Experiencing the Blog Night Experience

1) Attending a professional sports game with the inherent belief we are doing so for a higher purpose than simply to talk about our lives, pay for overpriced beer and have the entertaining backdrop of a game going on - to which we pay 75% of our attention. It's a sublime feeling knowing that your experience with the game itself transcends all else that will transpire. This is the way every game should be.

2) Meeting with Hawks GM Rick Sund for a Q&A session. Several things I liked about this experience. Here's a few: 2) a. Sund seemed genuinely interested in not only serving as a likable, knowledgeable representative for the Hawks, but also in what my fellow bloggers and I had to say. 2) b. When asked how Sund was liking Atlanta thus far, he responded that everything was great except for the rap music. Or at least I think that's what he said...Shawty Lo's "Dey Know" was blasting in my ear so loudly I had to crane my head down and point my ear in the direction of the GM like a fucking satellite. Now, obviously, I don't want to piss off Shawty Lo. But that was annoying as shit.
Watch out Alpha Omega! Dey Know how to use mace!

3) Putting a face to all of Atlanta's most prominent Hawks bloggers. It was nice to meet all of you. If you weren't there and you write a Hawks blog, that's unfortunate. Reach out to Micah of the Atlanta Hawks and try to attend next year. Put a few of the bloggers you see displayed on the Hawks website on your blogroll. Put some pictures in your posts. Make sex and women-are-skanks metaphors. Go to your local library/university and log onto your blog with every computer there, bumping up your unique visitors. Beg people to read your blog. Be funny. Drive traffic. Do something, man!

Note: While Sue's subscribes to the Wilson Face Philosophy of blogging, it is beyond our control what other sites do with our likeness. We would love to pull a douche-move "Hey, can you blur our faces before you post to your site?" but we're nearly positive others wouldn't find quite as much humor in it.
We tried to avoid it. But Blog Night will surely have the same affect on ladies' attraction to us as the concoction had to Tate Donovn in Love Potion #9.

4) Attending the Hawks postgame press conference with CMW. I was really hoping the Hawks would win, more than anything else because I wanted to experience this conference with Woody in a good mood. It's impossible to get a feel for someone when they have a legitimate reason for being in a shit mood. As it were, it certainly appeared most of the beat writers were taking the night off. They were there, don't get me wrong. But either they were really disappointed with the game or they gave up long ago trying to ask compelling questions, most of which probably could've been answered without the input of the coach of the team.

5) Leaving a sporting event sober. This just felt weird, but I think I liked it.

As much as this sounds like a joke, I truly was at least a bit filled with consternation about making a fool of myself with these folks. Would I remember how many times Jordan won defensive player of the year? Would they all laugh at me if I told them the triangle offense was the best in basketball with the right pieces? Would I ask a stupid-ridiculous question, like "Hey, who was that number 5 down there? He's looking pretty good!"

After sharing my feelings of trepidation with SJF, we were able to compile a list of items that caused anxiety of the highest degree, likely scenarios that would not continue to foster the squeaky-clean image we've cultivated for so long.

Runaround Sue's at Blog Night 2009: Worst Case Scenario

WCS #5. After leaving for a bathroom break, your friends from Runaround Sue's are kicked out of the luxury suite before halftime after standing up to cheer for a thunderous Josh Smith dunk. Splashing one of those huge Sprites all over everyone, the pair seem to lose their footing a bit after chest bumping. The boys were not kicked out for their audacious display of raucous behavior, but rather for the airplane mini-bottles of Skyy vodka that fall out of their pockets instead. (Note to Micah - it is because of this possibility that we decided NOT to follow this path)

WCS #4. Other bloggers look on as Sue's is escorted violently from the press box for refusing to monitor their language, continuing to scream at the top of their lounges, "What the FUCK is Josh Smith's motherFUCKING problem?! Goddamn shiteating son-of-a-FUCKING-BITCH COCKSUCKER!!! Why the FUCK can't he just QUIT with the GODDAMN motherfucking FUCKHEAD JUMPERS!!!???"

WCS #3. The following day, you visit one of the other bloggers' posts lucky enough to attend the event, only to view the following:
8:42 p.m. 8 1/2 minutes left in the second quarter. It appears we've had our first casualty of the night, as the boys from Runaround Sue's have not appeared since halfway through the first quarter. We were just told that they wouldn't be coming back, and the folks in the back were able to take their front-row seats. I hope they're able to get their laptop back, as it's still sitting here. The kids from Billy Knight Took My Lunch Money and I struck up a conversation about why they weren't here any longer, but your guess is as good as mine. Of course, one of them reeked of cologne while the other one definitely smelled like marijuana, and they kept arguing aloud whether to "Go outside and just fucking smoke the rest of it" but I figured these were all coincidences and they were talking about smoking a cigarette. Who knows. Joe Johnson with a great pass.
WSC #2. Heading out for the obligatory overpriced food, the good folks at Sue's forget their credentials back at the suite. Predictably, it proves impossible to convince any of the ushers that we are "bloggers" and we actually "belong in the Blogger Media Suite" right upstairs. The rest of the evening is spent drinking $7.50 beers and watching from the tunnels until we're kicked out of every section of every floor.

WCS #1. Following typical Sue's fashion, OBJ and SJF begin the '$5 Big Ass Beers Inside CNN Center Pregame' just a bit too late, finishing off their traditional 96 ounces of beer in 2 hours, the boys get to the security gate only to realize that they're 1 1/2 hours late, and they cannot obtain their entrance passes. With little else to do, we pay our $15 parking and do double duty as we live blog to the Hawks game and get drunk at the first skeezy Mexican restaurant we find.

In case you haven't figured it out by now, but thankfully none of these scenarios played out and SJF and I took in the Hawks game in its entirety without any complications with security forces. Whether our ability to avoid trouble with the law is in any way a linear relationship to our level of drinking is still only a theory, but we're working closer to figuring this out.

The picks, dicks! The picks already!

OBJ: 6-3
Joe Friday: 8-1

If it seems like some of the excitement has been sucked out of this contest due to SJF pulling away, you're not alone. And no, I have no metaphor involving "sucking out" or "pulling away." That's just too easy and dirty. Like the sour cream-dipped fleas-infested skank lucky enough to stay with SJF in his hotel last week.

Today's Picks

OBJ: San Antonio (+1) over Utah

0-2 picking the O/U. I feel victory being slowly pulled away from me like the last bills in the unfortunate sleeping man's wallet, only without the peaceful satisfaction a night in bed with a three-toothed whore can provide. Something must change.

So far Texas teams are 0-2 for me as well. This seems like a reasonable pick then.

Joe Friday: Indiana (+9) over Orlando

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

nice reference to a truly underrated movie. I mean even with glasses and a lab coat Bullock was HOT. But how can you misspell y'all. Y apostrophe a l l. easy. You call yourselves southern. Take it easy blogger boyz.

Hey that'd be a good movie, "Blogger Boyz." like biker boyz but about white kids with computers and too much free time. Gangsta.